WEBVTT - From running the streets to begging for death: Gaz Wright Pt. 1 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:04.880 The public has had a long held fascination with detectives. 0:00:05.360 --> 0:00:08.039 Detective sy aside of life the average person is never 0:00:08.119 --> 0:00:11.119 exposed to. I spent thirty four years as a cop. 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:14.040 For twenty five of those years I was catching killers. 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:16.200 That's what I did for a living. I was a 0:00:16.200 --> 0:00:20.560 homicide detective. I'm no longer just interviewing bad guys. Instead, 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:23.120 I'm taking the public into the world in which I operated. 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:26.400 The guests I talk to each week have amazing stories 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:28.760 from all sides of the law. The interviews are raw 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:31.440 and honest, just like the people I talked to. Some 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:34.640 of the content and language might be confronting. That's because 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:37.640 no one who comes into contact with crime is left unchanged. 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:40.400 Join me now as I take you into this world. 0:00:46.400 --> 0:00:50.159 The criminal underworld is a grubby place. It welcomes anyone 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:53.800 willing to make bad choices, and Gaz right made plenty 0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:56.960 of them. For decades, Gas lived in a world where 0:00:57.040 --> 0:01:00.280 violence was a currency and where survival in the most 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:04.320 dangerous person in the room. Gazz's criminal reasure may runs 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:10.080 deep assaults, drug dealing, kidnappings, even allegations of murder. Then 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:13.039 the karma he accumulated finally caught up with him in 0:01:13.080 --> 0:01:16.959 the most brutal way possible. Still, Gaz found the way forward. 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:20.920 This is an ugly story about crime and its consequences, 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:24.640 and perhaps the content warning is appropriate given the subject matter. 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:28.640 Gary Gazz right, welcome to our Catch. 0:01:28.440 --> 0:01:33.200 Killers, Gary Jubilin, Thank you now, I've heard of yours, 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:34.520 Gaz right, Gary right? 0:01:34.600 --> 0:01:37.720 What do you prefer being referred to us? Okay? 0:01:37.880 --> 0:01:39.720 I was using in trouble. When people call me Gary, 0:01:40.200 --> 0:01:41.160 it's a little form. 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:44.240 What about yourself? Do you get Gary when you're in 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:46.959 the ship and it's a bit of a bit of 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:50.080 a funny name, now, Gary, isn't it fu? Gary? Yeah? 0:01:50.480 --> 0:01:51.560 Have you got one or two? Us? 0:01:51.840 --> 0:01:56.640 One? All right? Okay, Well we'll get over being Gary's 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:59.240 but you can be Gazz for Gazz for the episode. 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:02.480 Thank you now, I guess in prepping for the podcast, 0:02:02.560 --> 0:02:05.080 and I've obviously heard about you and know about you, 0:02:05.120 --> 0:02:09.160 and a few mutual friends have steered me in your direction. 0:02:09.360 --> 0:02:12.839 Danny Glenn, if you shil Danny Shannon, Jeffrey Morgan, yeah, 0:02:13.080 --> 0:02:13.920 close friends of mine. 0:02:14.000 --> 0:02:16.880 Yeah, well I know him well too, and they all 0:02:16.880 --> 0:02:17.760 speak highly. 0:02:17.520 --> 0:02:19.560 Obviously doing good things in the community as well. 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:24.080 I love stories of redemption and they're classics for it. 0:02:24.440 --> 0:02:27.520 But also giving people an understanding of what the world 0:02:27.560 --> 0:02:31.200 of crime is like, because I think people are fascinated 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:35.240 by true crime, but it's almost looking at the surface 0:02:35.280 --> 0:02:37.640 of it and glorifying it. You can see the cool 0:02:37.680 --> 0:02:41.480 things that happened in the crime, but speaking to people 0:02:41.560 --> 0:02:44.480 like you, I think it allows people to understand, well, 0:02:44.639 --> 0:02:47.160 you know, it can be a bit messy in the 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:51.320 world of crime. I know part of your platform now 0:02:51.440 --> 0:02:54.160 is trying to help people and steer them away from it, 0:02:54.200 --> 0:02:56.040 and I think it's an important message. 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:58.079 And we're doing a good job too. Yeah, definitely doing 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:01.119 a good job at pushing a positive messages, we would say, 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:03.320 and helping others, you know, which is what it's all about, 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:05.640 because let's be honest, you know, you've got to start somewhere. 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:08.359 But some people get online and they said, I've been 0:03:08.400 --> 0:03:11.400 here and I've done that, and you shouldn't do it. Yeah, Like, 0:03:11.760 --> 0:03:13.520 that's great if people are going to listen, But what 0:03:13.560 --> 0:03:15.040 else have you got to offer, you know? And I 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:18.360 think people like me, Danny Glenn and Morges, we're really 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:20.760 getting our hands dirty in the community in a positive way, 0:03:20.800 --> 0:03:21.920 which I think is great. 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:25.600 And demonstrating that that's possible and can be done for 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:30.960 a time. I've also you've mentioned karma a lot in 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:33.840 interviews that you've done or when you're speaking to people. 0:03:34.200 --> 0:03:37.400 Do you believe in karma? Hask come back to bite 0:03:37.480 --> 0:03:38.480 you and got. 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:42.280 Me a beauty? Yeah, massive part of why I do 0:03:42.320 --> 0:03:46.760 what I do today. Like, yeah, I don't. There's a 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:49.320 lot of ups and downs in my life. And then 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:52.560 and then the downs ended up out weighing the ups, 0:03:52.840 --> 0:03:55.960 and I had to take accountability. You know, you create 0:03:55.960 --> 0:03:58.160 your own reality, Like this is what we do. We 0:03:58.200 --> 0:04:01.120 are in charge of our destiny, and life doesn't happen 0:04:01.160 --> 0:04:03.360 to us, it happens for us. And when I woke 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:05.960 up to that, I was like, Okay, well this is 0:04:05.960 --> 0:04:09.080 all meant to be. I'm only getting what I put out, 0:04:09.800 --> 0:04:11.880 And so yeah, I thought, enough of being a bad guy, 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:13.520 let's let's start being a good guy. 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:15.840 Well, I think it's a good starting point. You've got 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:17.880 you've got the way that you can go through as 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:19.960 a victim. And there's a lot of people who've got 0:04:19.960 --> 0:04:22.760 some shit starts to life, and you understand why they 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:25.119 fall into that path, but at some point in time, 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:28.560 to dig your way out. You really got to say, Okay, 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:32.120 well that shit happen, but yeah, I can take control 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:32.800 of my destiny. 0:04:33.040 --> 0:04:34.880 It's all about owning your shit in it. I think 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.120 that's a big part of where while we're in the heill, 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:39.400 we would say in the healing space, you know, and 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:42.040 a big part of it is taking accountability, owning your ship, 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:45.680 having a hard long look in. Yeah, you know, addressing 0:04:45.680 --> 0:04:47.720 shame and guilt. But then on the back of shame 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:49.839 and guilt is forgiveness. You know, no one wants to 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:51.279 walk around with their head down for the rest of 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:53.600 their life because of the things they've done wrong. So 0:04:53.680 --> 0:04:55.479 you know, you need to find love in your heart 0:04:55.520 --> 0:04:57.960 for yourself, which is very important, and forgive yourself and 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:00.640 then from there, you know, you can only go up. 0:05:01.160 --> 0:05:03.240 I've heard people plenty of people have sat in that 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:07.240 chair where you are, or people I've come across in life, 0:05:07.360 --> 0:05:10.080 and sometimes that forgiveness you've got to be able to 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:14.200 forgive yourself to And I would imagine the lifestyle that 0:05:14.279 --> 0:05:18.760 you lived, the gangster lifestyle that you lived, there'd be 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:20.839 a lot that you're just going to go, Okay, well 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:22.000 that was the old me. 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:26.440 I'm different there, Yeah, I mean, I've forgiven people for 0:05:26.520 --> 0:05:31.279 things they've done to me, and that's important. It's not like, 0:05:31.520 --> 0:05:33.120 you know, I had to ring them and say I 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:35.200 forgive you, because let's be honest, you know, if we 0:05:35.240 --> 0:05:39.080 can find forgiveness for people that have done wrong to us, 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:41.680 it's not always because they deserve it, you know, but 0:05:41.839 --> 0:05:45.040 forgiving them for my peace is a no brainer. And 0:05:45.080 --> 0:05:47.840 then obviously more important than that is forgiving self. You know, 0:05:48.200 --> 0:05:51.240 we have to find love, because forgiveness is love, and 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:53.960 we have to find love for self before we find 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:55.640 love for anybody else, I think. 0:05:55.800 --> 0:05:58.680 And forgiving others to find peace for yourself. I think 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:01.200 it's an interesting interest in concept. 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:03.120 And it's hard. Like there's people who have wrong, man, 0:06:03.360 --> 0:06:08.920 I fucking hate them, But I've also learned that hang 0:06:09.000 --> 0:06:12.479 on to that is just they're not sitting there thinking 0:06:12.480 --> 0:06:13.680 about thinking about me. 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:19.040 I'm destroying myself. So I understand the forgiveness is for 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:23.679 bringing peace to yourself. We're going to talk talk about 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:26.839 your life and most importantly talk about what you're doing 0:06:26.880 --> 0:06:29.000 and the direction your life is heading in now and 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:32.160 the good, positive stuff that you're doing. I just want 0:06:32.200 --> 0:06:34.480 to give people a sense. But before we talk about 0:06:34.480 --> 0:06:38.159 your childhood. There was one episode in your life that 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:42.920 was I think significant, but it gives people an understanding 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:45.800 of how low your life was. I've called it in 0:06:46.160 --> 0:06:51.359 my notes suicide by cop, and you know the incident 0:06:51.880 --> 0:06:54.240 I'm talking about, and we don't have to put it 0:06:54.320 --> 0:06:57.239 in context what led up to it or what occurred 0:06:57.279 --> 0:06:59.680 after it, but just tell us about that incident, because 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.640 I think people will get sceense of how dark the 0:07:02.720 --> 0:07:04.400 world can be for people. 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:07.440 So I'd come home from prison trying to skim over there, 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:09.640 like you said before, and the after I come home 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:12.080 from prison with this mindset of I wanted to do 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:15.360 the right thing. I'd had enough. I had enough that 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:17.680 life I was about. I was moving into my mid thirties, 0:07:18.000 --> 0:07:21.080 and you know, by that stage it had just been 0:07:21.240 --> 0:07:24.840 I was an active criminal, served just over seven years 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:28.200 prison for obviously you know, crimes that I've been caught for. 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:31.200 You beat it a really big case. I sat in 0:07:31.240 --> 0:07:32.840 front of the courts. You know, I would have been 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:35.040 lucky to get fifteen if I was found guilty beat 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:37.800 that had to serve a little time on a lesser charge. 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:40.239 Come home and was like, well, I'm not doing this anymore. 0:07:40.240 --> 0:07:42.560 You know, what is your career choice, This is stuff done. 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:44.440 And there wasn't much, you know, there was a lot 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:47.600 of drug activity, but I wasn't a user, so I didn't. 0:07:47.720 --> 0:07:49.400 I was the guy in the area that sold drugs 0:07:49.440 --> 0:07:52.360 that didn't take it. And yeah, and I had this 0:07:52.400 --> 0:07:54.480 mindset of I want to turn my life around and 0:07:55.880 --> 0:07:58.520 got a good girl, as we would say, from that life, 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.920 a straight girl, a couple of kids. You know, we 0:08:01.960 --> 0:08:05.200 were taking the kids to school and you know, getting 0:08:05.200 --> 0:08:07.440 dinners done by six and I was in bed by 0:08:07.480 --> 0:08:09.640 ten thirty and all the normal stuff. And I wasn't 0:08:09.680 --> 0:08:11.960 used to this normal life, living like a citizen, living 0:08:12.000 --> 0:08:15.320 like it's yeah civilian, yeah, literally, and it was totally 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:17.440 new to me, like I'd never ever done it. From 0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:20.560 the time I was a teenager, I was living, as 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:23.160 we would say, free, doing whatever I want, whatever I want, 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:26.320 whenever I wanted. And it didn't work out too well. 0:08:27.040 --> 0:08:29.360 You know, there was some resistance along the way, and 0:08:30.200 --> 0:08:31.760 I had to learn the hard way. But anyway, so 0:08:32.400 --> 0:08:35.760 I just pushed through. And little did I know that 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:37.840 I had so much baggage from that old life. It 0:08:37.920 --> 0:08:42.520 was just I was suppressing, suppressing, suppressing, suppressing and one day, 0:08:42.880 --> 0:08:45.600 it just exploded. It just exploded. One morning. I woke 0:08:45.679 --> 0:08:49.080 up in tears, didn't know what was happening. Within fifteen 0:08:49.080 --> 0:08:52.000 minutes of that, you know, I tried to hang myself 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:56.960 out the back under the bogola, and yeah, it was 0:08:57.040 --> 0:09:02.280 just it all happened really quick and actually was not successful. 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:06.280 I hit the ground. I'm sitting on my bum and 0:09:06.280 --> 0:09:08.560 I'm looking around and at that time, leaving that old 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:11.160 life behind and the trying this new life. I can 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:13.839 remember leading up to that morning in my head and 0:09:13.840 --> 0:09:15.880 I couldn't say anything. I couldn't talk to anybody about 0:09:15.880 --> 0:09:17.920 the way I felt. But in my head, I kept thinking, 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:20.160 I can't do this, and I'll be honest exactly what 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:22.120 was going through me. I can't do this straighthead shit. 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:25.079 That's what every day, three or four times a day, 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:27.760 it dawned on me. I can't do this straight ahead shit. 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:29.720 But then I just keep pushing through, and I decided 0:09:29.760 --> 0:09:31.720 I'm not going to hurt anybody. I'm going to sell drugs. 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:33.760 I'm going to try and be a good guy. And 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:37.720 I was trying and just consumeing. Obviously, I feel like 0:09:37.760 --> 0:09:40.439 we suppressed, we suppressed, we suppressed the emotions are always 0:09:40.480 --> 0:09:42.120 going to come to the surface, and when they do, 0:09:42.720 --> 0:09:45.640 they explode. We have no control over them. And you know, 0:09:45.760 --> 0:09:48.560 we verbally or physically hurt someone around us. Even worse 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:50.520 than that, we verbally or physically hurt our loved ones. 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:53.680 So can I just at that particular point in time, 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:57.559 just getting the sense of your mindset and your emotional stability. 0:09:57.600 --> 0:10:01.480 At that point you're trying to live the straight life, 0:10:01.920 --> 0:10:04.760 You've still got inclination being drawn back to the life 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:06.920 that you knew because it's an easier life for you, 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:09.679 or it's a life that you knew. You're struggling with 0:10:09.720 --> 0:10:12.319 the straight life, and that was the type of emotions 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:15.760 you're going through, because the straight life can be hard 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:19.080 to like doing the right thing and I love. 0:10:18.960 --> 0:10:22.120 It, people now I love it. I wouldn't going back 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:25.240 to that old life. I get anxiety just thinking about it. Yeah, 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:28.800 But the transition from that old life to where I 0:10:28.840 --> 0:10:32.640 am today, there was this bit in the middle that was, Yeah, 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:35.200 it was really really hard, and people that have never 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:38.800 lived an active criminal career path whatever you want to 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:42.320 call it, probably wouldn't understand. But if I was to 0:10:42.360 --> 0:10:45.480 say to someone that was a civilian listen. We're going 0:10:45.559 --> 0:10:48.120 to run around in cars that aren't registered in our name. 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:50.120 We're going to have houses that aren't registered around our name. 0:10:50.280 --> 0:10:52.800 We're going to carry guns, we're going to push drugs. 0:10:52.920 --> 0:10:54.640 If another team comes our way, we're gonna have to 0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:56.480 go to war with them at any stage. If we 0:10:56.520 --> 0:11:00.240 slip up the police can get us, we could do years. Also, 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:02.440 if another team gets a leg up on us, we 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:04.400 might be dead. This is what we're going to do, 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:06.040 and this is how we live. It's easy money, it's 0:11:06.080 --> 0:11:07.560 fast money. We're going to live in the fast lane. 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:08.720 We live day to day, and this is what we're 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:11.440 going to have an anxiety attack, Well, it was exactly 0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:14.000 the same for me when you said you're going to 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:15.719 get up at seven in the morning, you're gonna be 0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:18.640 in bed by ten thirty. You're going to main thing 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:20.280 is probably gonna worry about it, taking the bins out 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:22.400 and make sure the lawn's mode. You know, like all 0:11:22.440 --> 0:11:24.560 that is just consumed me. It seems like it doesn't. 0:11:24.559 --> 0:11:26.839 When I even hear myself say it doesn't seem stressful. 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:29.040 I suppose it to be like a rock star lifestyle. 0:11:29.400 --> 0:11:31.160 And then someone's told now you're just going to live 0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:32.760 and everyday life you're gonna have to make sure the 0:11:32.760 --> 0:11:34.160 bills are paid to be like well. 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:36.600 Yeah, well, you know, it's a different type of pressure. 0:11:36.600 --> 0:11:41.319 But the gangster life soul that you describe be high anxiety, like, yeah, 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:43.480 you enjoy it the highs, but the lowers can be 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:47.520 at any moment, it's all people like my ex mates 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:50.040 could be kicking the door in and that's see you 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:54.240 for the next twenty years exactly. So. But the time 0:11:54.280 --> 0:11:57.880 that you got that lower, that sort of the mindset 0:11:57.920 --> 0:11:59.720 you're in where you got that low that you actually 0:11:59.800 --> 0:12:00.960 call the cops on yourself. 0:12:01.040 --> 0:12:04.080 Yeah, So I fell down on me bum and I 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:06.120 was looking around and at that time, I can remember 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:08.280 feeling really hopeless. I thought what was going through my 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:10.760 head was you can't even take yourself out, you know, 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:14.280 like it was just because there was obviously ego. Ego 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:17.120 was you know, I was trying to suppress that. But 0:12:17.160 --> 0:12:19.800 where something special We can do this, don't you know 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:23.400 who I am? You know all that mentality, And you 0:12:23.400 --> 0:12:25.240 know that's how I always thought I sat on a 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:27.480 throne in my area. You know, it wasn't the joke 0:12:27.559 --> 0:12:30.200 on me because it was you know, real downtime, and 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:33.480 so I'm sitting on my bum, I'm looking at my thought. 0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:35.480 You know, you can't even take yourself out. You know. 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:39.360 I felt worthless. I really did. Couldn't even succeed at 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:42.000 that let alone, you know, live a nine to five, 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:45.120 and so I from being really emotional. I got up 0:12:45.160 --> 0:12:47.520 that morning, within like fifteen twenty minutes of being up, 0:12:47.720 --> 0:12:51.120 crying tears of streaming. Anxiety has gone through the roof. 0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:53.200 So I can't do this. I'm tapping out. Tried what 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:56.120 I tried didn't work, and then sat on my bum, 0:12:56.160 --> 0:12:58.680 felt really down and worthless. From there it went to 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:01.720 anger and I went you think I'm a goose like 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:03.760 you know, That's why I started that mentality. You think 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:07.160 I'm a dickhead, and and I thought, I'll show everybody 0:13:07.160 --> 0:13:10.679 in my mentality at that stage, tunnel vision was well 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:13.400 all end up on the front page, shot by police. 0:13:13.600 --> 0:13:17.440 That's the easiest way out, and it's all finished like 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:20.200 a gangster, you know. That was my mentality at that time. 0:13:20.240 --> 0:13:22.720 And I've gone out for bang. It's my last laugh, 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:25.000 my last crack of the whip, my last rah, you know. 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:28.120 And people will be talking talking about you're going you 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:29.600 went out guns blaze. 0:13:29.679 --> 0:13:31.520 That was my mentality. So I thought, yep, and I 0:13:31.520 --> 0:13:33.200 grabbed the police. You grab the phone. I rang the 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:37.160 local police station and I said, it's right, you know, 0:13:37.360 --> 0:13:40.079 I said, I'm living this address. I'm a SVO. Was 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:42.400 a serious file and offender. I said, you want to 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:44.280 get here, I'm going to I'm going to hurt someone. 0:13:44.360 --> 0:13:46.520 There was no one in the house. It was just me. 0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:51.280 This has gone the work, kids have gone school, and yeah, 0:13:51.320 --> 0:13:53.280 and the lady on the phone, so who was a 0:13:53.360 --> 0:13:55.679 lady obviously on the desk the police stop, she and 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:57.960 excuse me. I said, you fucking heard what I said. 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:00.480 So I'm only saying it once and hang up the phone. 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:03.240 So give him a dress, my name all that, and thought, 0:14:03.320 --> 0:14:04.920 now I'm gonna win. They come ou. I'm gonna grab 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:06.880 a knife, I'm gonna run out the front ba back. 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:12.720 So in that time, I'm pacing around and trying to 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:14.520 you know, And I can remember it was almost like 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:17.840 sitting off. I could see myself like going through the motions, 0:14:18.280 --> 0:14:20.480 and I can remember, like, you know, thinking, well, what 0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:23.320 are you doing? Like this is huge, Like you backed 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:25.280 yourself into a corner. This is going to be a 0:14:25.320 --> 0:14:28.880 really bad day, but the emotions are taken over. Like 0:14:28.920 --> 0:14:31.880 the ball was rolling, there was no stopping me. But 0:14:31.920 --> 0:14:34.520 I can remember thinking, what what are you doing? But 0:14:34.680 --> 0:14:38.360 had already done. What was going to happen right now? Yeah, 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:39.920 when they get here, I'll run out the front and 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:43.840 that's it, and the roll. Within a couple of minutes 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:47.120 of hopping off the phone and geeing myself up and 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:49.240 waiting to, you know, for them to be out the front, 0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:51.440 I heard the roller door on the garage, go up 0:14:51.480 --> 0:14:54.000 to the house, had a look, and it was my 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:59.960 girlfriend and she's come in. Obviously I've backed a knife, 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.080 and she's like, are you okay? I'm so, I'm fine. 0:15:03.200 --> 0:15:05.000 And I couldn't tell her how I was feeling leading 0:15:05.080 --> 0:15:06.480 up to any of this, you know, it was my 0:15:06.600 --> 0:15:08.760 own dirty little secret, what was going on in my head. 0:15:09.520 --> 0:15:12.120 And she's like, what's the matter. I said, nothing the matter, 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:14.400 nothing the matter. So I just can't. I've had enough. 0:15:14.400 --> 0:15:15.720 I just can't do this. She's like, what are you 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:18.120 talking about? Like you're a right, Like you don't seem right, 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:20.440 and so she sort of followed me around for the 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.880 next few minutes, probably about five minutes or so, and 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:25.360 talked to me. I said, I can't just leave me alone. 0:15:25.400 --> 0:15:27.120 I'll be all right, you know. And I remember thinking 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:29.080 my head, I'm in shit now because this has gone 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:34.040 from suicide by cop to a hostage situation. You're digging, oh, 0:15:34.200 --> 0:15:38.080 I thought, you know. And next minute I've heard a 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:40.840 bit of ruckus out the front and I've peeled the 0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:43.200 curtains back, had a look and it's obviously police everywhere, 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:46.720 tactical gear, you know, the right van in the driveway. 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:49.760 And I started coaching me and go right, evacuate all 0:15:49.760 --> 0:15:53.000 the stuff, hands up, all the usual, and I said, well, 0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:55.240 I turned around. I said, well that's it now. I said, 0:15:55.240 --> 0:15:57.840 there's nothing I can do. She goes and when she looked, 0:15:57.880 --> 0:16:00.000 she had a look. She's like, what have you done? 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:02.040 The first thing she said because she knew my old life, 0:16:02.520 --> 0:16:04.400 but she you know, she knew what I've been up to, 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:07.920 but she never seen that side of me. And what 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:08.640 have you done? Now? 0:16:08.760 --> 0:16:08.960 You know? 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:10.880 What have you gone and done? And she looked probably 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:15.640 looked like to her massive the community because she's not Yeah, 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:20.080 And I said, well, I called him on myself. She said, 0:16:20.120 --> 0:16:22.480 what do you mean you called him on yourself? And 0:16:22.520 --> 0:16:24.960 I said, I can't do this. I said, I'm going 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:27.160 out the front and they can. They can do me 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:30.480 on the spot. I'm done. And then she saw that 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:34.360 went why she got what was happening. Yeah, she dropped 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:36.640 to her knees and she grabbed my hands and she said, 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:39.360 I love you. Start crying. She said, you can't do this, 0:16:40.120 --> 0:16:42.360 you know, she said, I can't have you hurt yourself. 0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:44.320 I can't see you hurt. I love you, blah blah. 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:47.200 And you know, obviously that was my I was. Now 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:48.960 I look back on it, that whole morning was cry 0:16:49.000 --> 0:16:51.200 for help. I just didn't know how to ask for help. 0:16:51.320 --> 0:16:53.440 And I didn't know what was happening. You know, my 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:58.560 emotions had exploded. And and when she said that to me, 0:16:58.680 --> 0:17:00.720 it give me a reason to get out, give me 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.280 an avenue. Now I don't Now I've got an excuse 0:17:03.320 --> 0:17:04.399 not to do what I was going to do. 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:07.120 Yeah, see where you're coming from, be of. 0:17:07.080 --> 0:17:09.720 Love conquering evil, you know, a bit of light conquering dark. 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:12.639 And and so I've said, all right, I'm going to 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:17.119 just go out and surrender through the knife, open the 0:17:17.119 --> 0:17:20.000 front door. Obviously, they get on the ground as the 0:17:20.040 --> 0:17:24.720 usual tax of operations. As you know, down there. We 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:28.800 call the mesogeez. They a cable tied me, you know, 0:17:28.960 --> 0:17:31.639 three me on the front line, cleared the house obviously 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:33.640 here and go through and got to clear each bedroom. 0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:36.800 It goes quiet, and it's like get down, get down, please, police, police, 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:39.080 And then it goes quiet again. Get down, polase, please please. 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:41.800 They're clearing the house, making sure there's no one else 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:44.280 in there, and then they hand me over to dectives. 0:17:44.320 --> 0:17:47.680 Once they've cleared the house. The detective they hand me 0:17:47.720 --> 0:17:52.240 over to I'd known him for twenty years and he'd 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:54.399 broken my balls like it was cat and mouse. You know, 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:56.760 I was an active criminal in the area. He knew 0:17:56.800 --> 0:17:58.440 me since I was a street kid on a pushbike 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:00.720 that grew up into it, you know, one of the 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:03.919 as we'd say from my area shot caller, you know. 0:18:04.080 --> 0:18:08.080 And as I got older, you know, I was more good, 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:09.919 better at what I did. It was harder for him 0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:12.600 to catch me. And it was really become a clap mouse. 0:18:12.600 --> 0:18:16.119 I wasn't gonna get caught, you know, slacking, and and 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:18.400 he said to me, you know, and I remember there 0:18:18.440 --> 0:18:22.440 been times he kicked my ass, you know, he'd they'd 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:24.560 even be honest, they'd even rob me. You know, like, 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:26.520 all right, we can't get you, we've got nothing. But 0:18:26.640 --> 0:18:28.720 you think this ten grand we found your car, we're 0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:30.280 going to stitch up for that. We'll just pocket it, 0:18:30.280 --> 0:18:33.439 you know, and all the usual and so like you know, 0:18:33.680 --> 0:18:37.320 let's you fight fire with fire, don't you. And and anyway, 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:39.399 he put me to the side and he said to me, 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:42.880 he goes to you know, his off side, as he said, 0:18:43.000 --> 0:18:44.840 put his handcuffs in the front. And he gets because 0:18:44.840 --> 0:18:47.320 they have to take cables off, cable ties off and 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:49.400 put the handcuffs. He goes, put some handcuffs on, put 0:18:49.440 --> 0:18:51.159 him in the front, put him, put his handcuffs in 0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:53.600 the front and loosen them up. And I was just 0:18:53.640 --> 0:18:56.760