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Speaker 1: Apodjay production.

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Speaker 2: Trigger warning.

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Speaker 1: This episode today includes a deep, long conversation that covers grief,

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Speaker 1: loss of a child, bullying, and suicide.

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Speaker 3: It contains graphic descriptions of the series of events.

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Speaker 1: This may be triggering for anyone who's past trauma or

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Speaker 1: has experienced any of the above.

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Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast.

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Speaker 2: I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 3: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to

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Speaker 3: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 4: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 4: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises.

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Speaker 5: Today.

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Speaker 1: We have a really big episode with a very special

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Speaker 1: guest with a very special message and story that she's

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Speaker 1: going to be sharing with us today. Grab your box

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Speaker 1: of tissues. Yeah, but Esmana, thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: coming on the pot CAUs today.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for having me.

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Speaker 4: I'm so excited to really appreciate your time and your

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Speaker 4: bravery and your honesty and your vulnerability and sharing your

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Speaker 4: story and your daughter Riley's story, So we'd love to

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Speaker 4: get straight into it and tell a little bit about yourself,

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Speaker 4: and then we'd love to hear who Riley was and

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Speaker 4: her story.

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Speaker 2: I was born and bred on the Gold Coast. I'm

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Speaker 2: a mother of four. I have a son that I

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Speaker 2: had quite young at twenty so he's twenty three now.

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Speaker 2: And then I had three girls, and Riley was the

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Speaker 2: oldest of them and was a nurse and a midwife.

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Speaker 2: A nurse for twenty years, I've been a midwife, and yeah,

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Speaker 2: just I was going through a divorce at the time

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Speaker 2: and that's why I was living in a high rise.

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Speaker 2: And Riley just sum her up. I always described her

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Speaker 2: when she was little as our honeymoon love person a

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Speaker 2: fighters Riley. She was just all of that love and

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Speaker 2: intensity that we had for each other, just in this person,

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Speaker 2: and people called us Smiley Riley. From the time she

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Speaker 2: could walk. She was just this soul and presence and

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Speaker 2: I would describe her as the kindest kid you've ever met,

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Speaker 2: and seemingly future oriented. Wanted to be a doctor or

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Speaker 2: a vet. And yeah, just no real warning that preempted

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Speaker 2: her suicide or the loss of her We didn't know

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Speaker 2: that she was being groomed by her twenty one year

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Speaker 2: old lesbian supervisor, who had her convinced that she was by.

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Speaker 2: And I say convinced because throughout their growing up, I

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Speaker 2: had regular check ins with the girls. I was always

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Speaker 2: a big advocate for those conversations being comfortable about so

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Speaker 2: that I was a safe space for the sexuality to

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Speaker 2: land wherever that may have been. And Riley was just

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Speaker 2: as passionate because we kind of thought for a little

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Speaker 2: bit there maybe one of her sisters might have ended

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Speaker 2: up with a wife, and so she was just as

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Speaker 2: big on making the conversations comfortable and honest. And when

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Speaker 2: I would check in and say do you think you

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Speaker 2: have a girlfriend or a boyfriend when you're older, she

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Speaker 2: would always just smile at me and be like, just

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Speaker 2: a boyfriend, mum. And so that's why I say convinced

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Speaker 2: that she was by, because I don't believe that if

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Speaker 2: it was a normal situation, because we're talking about an adult,

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Speaker 2: we're talking about grooming behaviors. If it was had happened organically,

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Speaker 2: then I'd be like, oh, she gave out to her

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Speaker 2: friends as by. But given that back history, that's why

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Speaker 2: I say it that way. And then she had come

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Speaker 2: out to her friend group as bisexual, and somebody who

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Speaker 2: was closest to her was using Snapchat, which really wasn't allowed,

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Speaker 2: but she was downloading it on the way to school

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Speaker 2: and deleting it on the way home to bully her

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Speaker 2: and say things like, no one, do you want to

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Speaker 2: kill yourself? You should just do it. There's no place

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Speaker 2: in the world for people like you, because she said

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Speaker 2: she liked girls and boys. And then my understanding is

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Speaker 2: that the person, the supervisor, had finally rejected her because

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Speaker 2: they've been toying with her that morning, and that when

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Speaker 2: she'd gone to school to talk to the person, they'd

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Speaker 2: gone even worse in person. And so she'd come home

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Speaker 2: and we were just having the best night that we've

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Speaker 2: ever had. And somebody had said to me in those

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Speaker 2: early days, maybe she'd already decided she was going to

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Speaker 2: do it, and I wasn't ready to hear that, but

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Speaker 2: I potentially, and then what happened that night just expediated it.

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Speaker 2: I had asked for her phone to add her to

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Speaker 2: the three sixty app because she'd been dishonest about where

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Speaker 2: she was night before, which was so out of character

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Speaker 2: to lie at all, but it turns out she just

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Speaker 2: stayed back at work to be around this person in

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Speaker 2: the lost track of time, and so her dad had

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Speaker 2: her on the three sixty app. He never goes away

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Speaker 2: for work, but he was in Sydney that night for

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Speaker 2: the beginning of consultancy stuff. And I said to me

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Speaker 2: your phone, and she took a long time to give

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Speaker 2: it to me. She was in the toilet, she said,

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Speaker 2: But it turns out that she was actually deleting the

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Speaker 2: messages of the boss rejecting it. She gave me a phone,

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Speaker 2: but she was really cagy that I hadn't kind of

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Speaker 2: like talking to her sister, but keeping an eye on me.

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Speaker 2: And then I had asked the girls before she came

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Speaker 2: home for her phone. And I was trying to do

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Speaker 2: something and it wouldn't work, and I said, why is

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Speaker 2: your settings or whatever? It was nothing. She goes, well,

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Speaker 2: that's not my settings, that's a widget. And I just

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Speaker 2: got chills, and I was like, why do you have widgets?

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Speaker 2: And sorry, I'll tell you. I said they're for lies

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Speaker 2: and cheetahs. Dale, why do you have this? And she

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Speaker 2: goes really said I would want it. I said, Raally

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Speaker 2: has widgets and she goes, yeah, So widgets are essentially

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Speaker 2: they look like your settings or whatever, because that's where

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Speaker 2: the person will hide their tinder proof followed their dick

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Speaker 2: pics or their whatever, so that when you're looking through

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Speaker 2: their phone as their partner, you're not suspecting anything. So

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Speaker 2: I've got chills because I had my suspicion that she

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Speaker 2: had Snapchat, and I had looked through her phone one

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Speaker 2: day when she was acting out a character and she

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Speaker 2: kind of was a bit sassy with her hand on

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Speaker 2: her him. And I have to clarify that Raley was

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Speaker 2: not your typical teenager. Yeah, she was fifteen, she'd only

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Speaker 2: not long got her period. She had a period that night,

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Speaker 2: so it was really messing with her hormonally. But she

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Speaker 2: was just such a beautiful, seemingly well adjusted kid. And

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Speaker 2: I said, do you think that she has Snapchat? And

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Speaker 2: the girls are like here, mum, and I said, how

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Speaker 2: can I figure that out? And they said, well, if

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Speaker 2: you go to her settings in her list of apps,

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Speaker 2: you can't hide it there. So I'm like okay. And

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Speaker 2: I'd seen Raley and she said, oh, should I bring home,

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Speaker 2: you know, food after work? And I said, yeah, but

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Speaker 2: don't mess with me like I'm home one time this time,

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Speaker 2: and she smiled and she's so she's come home and

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Speaker 2: we were just having the best night. And then I

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Speaker 2: added her to the three sixty and then I swiped

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Speaker 2: up and over, not really thinking, but she's just been

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Speaker 2: in the toilet on her messages, so it looks to

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Speaker 2: her like I'm going to her messages. And I don't

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Speaker 2: know how I thought that was going to get me

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Speaker 2: to settings, but she just launched at me. We don't

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Speaker 2: put her hands on each other. Everything in my parenting

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Speaker 2: was about conscious parenting and coming from a place of

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Speaker 2: kindness and love, and even the night before when she

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Speaker 2: expected to be in trouble, she came home and I

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Speaker 2: went into the room and I gave her a bag

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Speaker 2: and I said, Darling, there's some chocolate in there because

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Speaker 2: you said you had your period. There's bras because it's

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Speaker 2: not daddy's job to buy them for you, and some

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Speaker 2: Christmas pajamas matching me and the girls. And I walked

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Speaker 2: out and she came out just crying and she's like,

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Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, mum, And I said that I'm not

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Speaker 2: trying to block your thunder and I'm just trying to

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Speaker 2: keep you safe. I'm just trying to get you to adulthood. Okay,

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Speaker 2: a lot of bad stuff happened to me in my life,

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Speaker 2: and I'm just trying to keep you safe and I

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Speaker 2: just love you. And I stood there and I told

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Speaker 2: her how much I loved her, and that I know

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Speaker 2: that until she holds her own baby, she'll probably never

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Speaker 2: really understand how much I love her. And I just

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Speaker 2: kept telling her how much she meant to me and

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Speaker 2: how much I loved her, and she hugged me for

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Speaker 2: the longest time and told me how much she loved me.

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Speaker 2: And that was our last proper conversation the night before.

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Speaker 2: So when she came, she just launched at me and

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Speaker 2: like knocked the phone out of my hand, and I've

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Speaker 2: stumbled forward and I've kind of run to get away

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Speaker 2: from her, and I'm on because she was tackling me

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Speaker 2: for this phone. And I got to the other side

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Speaker 2: of the table and I said to her, done, look

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Speaker 2: at me. I'm shaking. I said, nothing is worth this.

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Speaker 2: Whatever it is, like, we can face it together. I said,

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Speaker 2: I don't even need to look in your phone, just

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Speaker 2: talk to me. But there's some things in there I

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Speaker 2: know about, some things I don't know about. But this

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Speaker 2: is happening, and her little shoulder shrugged like she was

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Speaker 2: going to talk to me, and then it was like

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Speaker 2: a psychotic break. Her face changed, she jumped the table.

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Speaker 2: She had me by the hair. I'm screaming me or

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Speaker 2: me and get it off me. Her youngest, who is

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Speaker 2: never quick to cry, was sobbing, Mom, Mum, what's wrong

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Speaker 2: with Raley? What do I do? Do I call Daddy?

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Speaker 2: And then Mia pulled her off. She had me on

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Speaker 2: the ground, she had she was like she was possessed

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Speaker 2: to get this phone, and MIA's pulled her off me.

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Speaker 2: And I've run to the bathroom because it's the only

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Speaker 2: door that would in my apartment. And as I pulled

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Speaker 2: the door shut, I saw her face change and I

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Speaker 2: could not have looked in her phone if I wanted to.

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Speaker 2: I was shaking so much. And so I've wrung her dad.

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Speaker 2: And it was later in Sydney, with the intention of

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Speaker 2: saying something's wrong with Raley, but I heard what I

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Speaker 2: thought was a car accident. She had paced from me

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Speaker 2: in the bathroom out to the balcony like this with

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Speaker 2: her hands on her head, and her sister, who was

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Speaker 2: coming towards me in the bathroom, went I'll check on Raleigh.

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Speaker 2: And as her dad's picked up, all he's heard is

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Speaker 2: me a screamed Mum, she's gone, and me say, what

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Speaker 2: do you mean she's gone? What do you mean? She

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Speaker 2: was on the balcony.

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Speaker 5: She's gone. And we were thirty three stories in the air.

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Speaker 5: It took me a month to go near those windows

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Speaker 5: because I couldn't handle the heights. And she just paced

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Speaker 5: out and just threw herself off, and.

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Speaker 2: I I heard what I thought was an accident, a

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Speaker 2: car accident, but it was her hitting the glass of

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Speaker 2: the turning circle, and I thought if somebody jumped, cars

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Speaker 2: would stop. It's the night before schoolies in the center

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Speaker 2: of surface and no cars have stopped. The girls are crying.

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Speaker 2: He's screaming in my ear. I'm trying to make sense

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Speaker 2: out of it. We're so high. It doesn't make sense

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Speaker 2: because I didn't know until I talked to the police,

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Speaker 2: like when you jump, you don't go out. The building

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Speaker 2: sucks you in. So what I was looking at is

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Speaker 2: them too close to the building. It wasn't making sense.

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Speaker 2: I was like, she has to be on the next

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Speaker 2: balcony somehow. She's checked the room girls and they're like, Mom,

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Speaker 2: she didn't go in the room, and then in the

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Speaker 2: end it broke me. I was looking behind sheer curtains

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Speaker 2: and under a tiny footstool, like just hoping that this

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Speaker 2: was some terrible joke, that she would be in trouble for,

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Speaker 2: you know. Then he's saying to me, you've got to

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Speaker 2: go down is don't take the girls, whatever you do.

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Speaker 2: I couldn't get a hold of security, but somebody was

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Speaker 2: walking out onto their balcony on the third story and

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Speaker 2: saw her, so they had already called security and the

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Speaker 2: police were already on site. I remember just having to

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Speaker 2: pull the girls off me and go, please just stay here,

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Speaker 2: stay here. And I got in the lift, and it's

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Speaker 2: a feeling I will never forget. It's like my brain

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Speaker 2: wrapped itself in cotton wool physical feeling and just went

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Speaker 2: embrace yourself because what you're about to experience or kill you.

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Speaker 2: And as I came through the foyer, can't get into

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Speaker 2: the building without a fob, so the police were out there,

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Speaker 2: and there's just shattered glass everywhere and she's laying in it,

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Speaker 2: and I must have screamed because he grabbed me, and

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Speaker 2: I remember saying I couldn't look at him I said,

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Speaker 2: is she gone? And he was like, yeah, done, And

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Speaker 2: I kicked this man off me and I just had

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Speaker 2: my Christmas pajamas on, no unders. Just ran through this glass,

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Speaker 2: screaming this horrific sound. Just threw myself on my knees

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Speaker 2: at her side, trying to hold her hand. And I

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Speaker 2: don't know how, the police don't know how, but the

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Speaker 2: glass breaking her fall meant that she looked like she

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Speaker 2: was laying peacefully, face down with her hands up around

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Speaker 2: her head. Her foot was cut off. I didn't realize

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Speaker 2: that till later, like no blood. I went back to

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Speaker 2: the police later to say, I'm not losing my mind,

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Speaker 2: am I. I'm not gonna start having flashbacks. And he

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Speaker 2: was like, I don't know how she was so contained,

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Speaker 2: but had she been splattered everywhere, I would have looked

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Speaker 2: for the next truck and run in front of her.

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Speaker 2: And so they're screaming at me the glass of glass,

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Speaker 2: and I'm just screaming. And I've done a lot of

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Speaker 2: years in emergency and the sound that left my body

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Speaker 2: that night is the same sound that I've heard too

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Speaker 2: many times, and same time that every parent makes when

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Speaker 2: they find out the child's gone. And I just couldn't stop.

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Speaker 2: So then the policeman was holding me down and they're

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Speaker 2: trying to talk to me and say what's your name?

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Speaker 2: And I said, and what's her name? And Raley Low

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Speaker 2: And then they're asking me what's her day to birth?

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Speaker 2: And I was like, well, what's today's day? That's all

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Speaker 2: that matters, like, and he said the seventeenth, Darling. I

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Speaker 2: was like, the seventeenth September. It was November. My brain broke.

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Speaker 2: And then they're like, what's the date of birth? I

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Speaker 2: said the first of the fifth, and then I was like,

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Speaker 2: I don't fucking know, like fifteen years ago, you work

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Speaker 2: it out, and they're like, who's kai? And then they

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Speaker 2: had to hold my face id up to just open

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Speaker 2: my phone because I couldn't even get into it. And

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Speaker 2: then the next call he got was from a police

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Speaker 2: officer he couldn't hear because of my screams, which just

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Speaker 2: solidified that she was gone. I'm so sorry. So life

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Speaker 2: is a lot, a lot, but my parents should ever

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Speaker 2: ever have to endure. I remember even as we plan

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Speaker 2: the celebration of like for catching up with a girlfriend,

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Speaker 2: like a week or two later, and she took me

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Speaker 2: to soak bath house and I was talking to her

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Speaker 2: about this and we hadn't seen each other in a

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Speaker 2: long time, and I said what I've just said, and

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Speaker 2: how grateful I was that she looked peaceful, and she

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Speaker 2: was like, yes, if you're talking about things that you're

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Speaker 2: grateful for, like, I think you're going to be all right.

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Speaker 2: And she couldn't have been more true. All right.

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Speaker 5: And I'm so grateful to have been her mom, to

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Speaker 5: be her mom. I'm so grateful to still be alive.

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Speaker 5: I'm so grateful for all of the people in my

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Speaker 5: life and the courage that I've had to say yes

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Speaker 5: to life and actually say yes to grief.

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Speaker 2: I didn't know that's what I was doing, but I

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Speaker 2: talk about it in my book I'm in the early Days.

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Speaker 2: It's such a powerful thing. Sorry, I was gonna say,

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Speaker 2: I don't know if you explicitly, I'm like, that's gonna

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Speaker 2: But I'm so grateful to be alive. I'm so grateful

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Speaker 2: for everything and at least a good year into my

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Speaker 2: grief journey. So many people would hear me tell that story,

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Speaker 2: and because I guess I kind of I'm realizing now

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Speaker 2: that I'm working with a neurofeedback brain mapping lady to

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Speaker 2: heal the trauma responses in my brain, which is phenomenal

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Speaker 2: because she's doing it with red light therapy and neurofeedback,

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Speaker 2: which means you don't have to talk about your trauma.

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Speaker 2: She can just heal it. When I started going to her,

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Speaker 2: I obviously wasn't sleeping and not without tablets, and I've

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Speaker 2: started having panic attacks and we're nearly at the three

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Speaker 2: year mark and she's like, oh, we'll fix all that dulling.

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Speaker 2: And I'm like five weeks into the streament I sleep

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Speaker 2: at whatever time I choose to sleep, no tablet, no

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Speaker 2: panic attacks, like everything. My hormones have balanced all of

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Speaker 2: this amazing stuff. But I think all of that healing

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Speaker 2: is showing me is that to a degree I had

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Speaker 2: disassociated and I think our brain and our soul is

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Speaker 2: so fucking powerful and so wise in protecting us and

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Speaker 2: keeping us alive, that my inner wisdom went dulling. You

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Speaker 2: can't have all of this. To truly experience the fullness

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Speaker 2: of this would destroy you. It would destroy us mentally.

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Speaker 2: I would have taken my life. Yeah, one hundred percent.

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Speaker 2: And I one hundred percent understand why people choose drugs

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Speaker 2: or alcohol or even suicide I would say to him

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Speaker 2: in the early days, I can't kill myself because she

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Speaker 2: fucking did it. I can't do that to the girls.

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Speaker 2: That's the only reason I'm still here, not because I

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Speaker 2: not capable of it or wouldn't do that. Yeah, it

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Speaker 2: wouldn't even make jokes about you know, if you want

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Speaker 2: to make us all a soup, like a fully understand

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Speaker 2: what of suicide? And that's a dark conversation to have,

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Speaker 2: but I get it. It's a very dark conversation. But

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Speaker 2: if anyone can have it, I can. Is not the

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Speaker 2: selfishness we think it is. It's the degree of unimaginable

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Speaker 2: pain and agony that you don't feel you can survive,

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Speaker 2: but you also do want to add to the harm

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Speaker 2: of your children. And he was like, you got to

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Speaker 2: stop saying this, and I was kind of making jokes.

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Speaker 2: I was like, so, no soup tonight, Like we're not.

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Speaker 2: It was thinking, in this life, we're doing this. But

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Speaker 2: the compassion that I have four people, because it is

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Speaker 2: the choices are You've got to claw your way back

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Speaker 2: out of hell every fucking day, not knowing if or

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Speaker 2: when it's going to get easier. Oh, you numb it

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00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:19,761
Speaker 2: because those who can't do either of those things. Leave

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Speaker 2: this life. Yeah, and I understand that, and I've sat

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Speaker 2: in the darkness and even more recently as we've been

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Speaker 2: doing this healing through the therapy. What happened is because

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Speaker 2: I said to her, why am I in this dark hole?

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Speaker 2: Like I sat in the darkness with my hand on

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Speaker 2: the door knob of life through which most people will

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Speaker 2: exit this life, and the full realness and gravity of

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Speaker 2: that suicidal ideation, and very vocal about it, saying that

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Speaker 2: I was in this darkness, but that I will never

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Speaker 2: hurt myself because I love my life and I will

350
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Speaker 2: never know that about myself. I'm too vocal to get

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Speaker 2: to the point of isolation that unravels me and cost

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Speaker 2: me my life. And I think that what that showed

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Speaker 2: me is that we could be doing better to bring

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Speaker 2: conversations about the darkness into the light. Because when you're

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Speaker 2: in that dark room and convinced that the only out

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Speaker 2: of this pain is through this door, or that you're

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Speaker 2: so numb that you're going to exit this life, we

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Speaker 2: end up there or exacerbating that through isolation because we

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Speaker 2: don't want our sadness to affect others, or we don't

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Speaker 2: think other people will understand, and so we suffer in

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Speaker 2: silence or self isolate or both. And then when you're

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Speaker 2: in that darkness, if we just called out and said,

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Speaker 2: if there's anyone else here, can you turn the fucking

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Speaker 2: light on? Somebody would flick the light on and you

365
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Speaker 2: would see there was more people than you could imagine

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Speaker 2: in that dark place, feeling isolated alone convince themselves that

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Speaker 2: I have to exit this life because no one's going

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Speaker 2: to understand this. And then you're like, bitch, all these

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Speaker 2: people understand. And I don't think that it's misery loves company.

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Speaker 2: I think it's a matter of misery needs company. You

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Speaker 2: need the right company when you're in that dark place,

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Speaker 2: because it's saying yes to life. It's putting yourself around

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Speaker 2: the right people. And I made sure through that dark

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Speaker 2: period that I've just had, which ironically came since writing

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Speaker 2: the book that I did, I kept saying yes to life.

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Speaker 2: I kept putting myself in the right social situations. And

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't feel like going, but I go to trivia

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Speaker 2: on a Tuesday night, and I could easily convince myself

379
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Speaker 2: or you why I shouldn't go. I don't want my

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Speaker 2: sadness to affect others. I don't have the social battery

381
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Speaker 2: for it right now. Anyone would accept and believe that

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Speaker 2: because my child died and they can't imagine surviving that,

383
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Speaker 2: so they don't want to do all say the wrong thing.

384
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Speaker 2: So we think we're being supportive, but in reality, by

385
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Speaker 2: me showing up, I would have a great night. My

386
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Speaker 2: face would hurt from smiling. It would be the interaction

387
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Speaker 2: that lists my head back above water when I was

388
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Speaker 2: convinced I was gonna drown, And it's so powerful, and

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Speaker 2: I think saying yes to life is such a big one,

390
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Speaker 2: especially in grief. But when I said to the counselor therapist, lady,

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Speaker 2: what's going on? Like it's three weeks in this dark play?

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Speaker 2: Why can't I pull myself out? And she said, do

393
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Speaker 2: you feel like the healing's happening too fast? I was like,

394
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Speaker 2: too fast? But three weeks like I have been to

395
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Speaker 2: Helen back before Riley died, and I would pull myself

396
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Speaker 2: out of the darkest experiences in life. I just pulled

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Speaker 2: myself out. Why can't I do it? She said, Darling,

398
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Speaker 2: that was survival, this is healing, and it did. It

399
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Speaker 2: felt like the same in a wisdom that you to

400
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Speaker 2: wrap myra and cotton wool and protect my soul from

401
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:11,041
Speaker 2: the full gravity of it. Then went, okay, blindfold's gone, Darling.

402
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,001
Speaker 2: Now you can have it all. And it coincided with

403
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Speaker 2: me getting my author's copy. I had to check it

404
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:19,441
Speaker 2: for mistakes, so I read it in one night. Don't recommend,

405
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,960
Speaker 2: which is fine. The book itself is beautiful. I've been

406
00:18:22,961 --> 00:18:24,600
Speaker 2: able to look back at it since, but it was

407
00:18:24,681 --> 00:18:26,600
Speaker 2: just a lot because it was coinciding with the blind

408
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Speaker 2: fold going away and having to integrate the full gravity

409
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Speaker 2: of everything. But I'm happy to say that I'm like

410
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Speaker 2: six weeks into that process with the healer, and probably

411
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Speaker 2: four weeks post that, and now I can look back

412
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Speaker 2: and go, oh my god, She's right when she said, Darling,

413
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Speaker 2: you just achieved what takes years of traditional therapy for

414
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Speaker 2: others as far as healing.

415
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Speaker 5: Wow.

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Speaker 2: And I'm sleeping without tablets. That is mind blowing. I'm

417
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Speaker 2: not having panic attacks. I wouldn't have been here sitting here.

418
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Speaker 2: But I also wouldn't be saying that as I sit

419
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Speaker 2: here if I didn't say yes to life, because it's

420
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:06,360
Speaker 2: by putting yourself in rooms you wouldn't otherwise that you

421
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,561
Speaker 2: create and facilitate connections that you didn't know were possible

422
00:19:09,961 --> 00:19:12,080
Speaker 2: because I would say yes to whatever. I would turn

423
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:13,400
Speaker 2: up to things I didn't even know what I was

424
00:19:13,441 --> 00:19:17,401
Speaker 2: turning out, what's the thing I want? Networking thing? And

425
00:19:17,441 --> 00:19:20,921
Speaker 2: then meet these amazing people and be like, holy shit.

426
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,001
Speaker 2: Look and you know, I keep saying I'm manifesting like

427
00:19:24,001 --> 00:19:26,360
Speaker 2: a superhero. You say that you want this, this, and this,

428
00:19:26,441 --> 00:19:29,120
Speaker 2: and that's what I'm dating the universe and it spoils me.

429
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:33,160
Speaker 6: And I highly recommend not on a budget.

430
00:19:33,961 --> 00:19:36,721
Speaker 2: And it's great because I just put it out there

431
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:39,121
Speaker 2: and it kind of started as a bit of an

432
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,600
Speaker 2: experiment and then it became like a religious practice. And

433
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,281
Speaker 2: now I'm like, it's just me. Now I'm married to me.

434
00:19:45,681 --> 00:19:53,041
Speaker 2: You are going anywhere. Brother, I'm so good and so

435
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,200
Speaker 2: it's just fun. And I don't need to know where

436
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,160
Speaker 2: whatever it is is coming from. I just need to

437
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,321
Speaker 2: be willing to say yes to that, because I truly

438
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,761
Speaker 2: believe that everything that you desire that's not currently in

439
00:20:02,761 --> 00:20:04,321
Speaker 2: your life is on the other side of a doorway

440
00:20:04,321 --> 00:20:06,360
Speaker 2: you'll yet to walk through. And how often do we

441
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,840
Speaker 2: say I want this, this and this, and then life

442
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:16,481
Speaker 2: starts opening doors and we're like, no, thank you. Yeah.

443
00:20:10,761 --> 00:20:19,720
Speaker 2: And that's why in May, at my registration period, I

444
00:20:19,721 --> 00:20:21,521
Speaker 2: made the decision to walk away from my nursing in

445
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,880
Speaker 2: Midwiofree because it wasn't serving all the things I was

446
00:20:23,921 --> 00:20:27,400
Speaker 2: telling the universe I wanted. And it's so funny because

447
00:20:27,441 --> 00:20:30,080
Speaker 2: I was writing the book Resilience after Great Last learning

448
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:33,481
Speaker 2: to live in griefs simultaneously, and then I've never had

449
00:20:33,521 --> 00:20:36,160
Speaker 2: to live and grief simultaneously as much as I have

450
00:20:36,281 --> 00:20:39,080
Speaker 2: in the last month and a half. But again, I

451
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:42,880
Speaker 2: don't know if there's anything that's much more valuable than

452
00:20:42,961 --> 00:20:45,360
Speaker 2: first hand empathy. And what I mean by that is

453
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,321
Speaker 2: I was twenty when I had my son. I was

454
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,360
Speaker 2: in a DV relationship, scared shitless of pushing a baby

455
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,200
Speaker 2: out of my vagina. And when I went in and

456
00:20:52,241 --> 00:20:55,480
Speaker 2: I was doing it very unsupported, the midwife is going,

457
00:20:55,561 --> 00:20:57,081
Speaker 2: come on, you can do it, and I didn't want

458
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,201
Speaker 2: to push in it hurt and I said have you

459
00:20:59,281 --> 00:21:01,360
Speaker 2: done that? And she goes what And I was like,

460
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,160
Speaker 2: have you pushed a baby out of your vagina? Of

461
00:21:03,201 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 2: tears rolling down my face, I said, because don't you

462
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,561
Speaker 2: fuck I can tell me I can do it if

463
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,400
Speaker 2: you haven't done it. I didn't want it. I didn't

464
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,321
Speaker 2: want someone telling me I could do something if they

465
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,440
Speaker 2: hadn't walked in my shoes, because I'm not going to

466
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:15,520
Speaker 2: believe you. And even if you've seen it a million times,

467
00:21:15,561 --> 00:21:17,321
Speaker 2: I want to know that you did it, because get

468
00:21:17,321 --> 00:21:20,721
Speaker 2: me a cheerleader that's done it. And it doesn't mean

469
00:21:20,761 --> 00:21:23,041
Speaker 2: that you can't have beautiful midwives. I know because I'm

470
00:21:23,041 --> 00:21:25,440
Speaker 2: a midwife, and I saw people come through that hadn't

471
00:21:25,441 --> 00:21:28,041
Speaker 2: had kids and they were amazing at it. But for me,

472
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,360
Speaker 2: as somebody who's done the challenging, hard yards of whatever

473
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,360
Speaker 2: it is in life, I fully appreciate the power of

474
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,640
Speaker 2: person and empathy. So while I was sitting in that

475
00:21:36,801 --> 00:21:39,041
Speaker 2: dark place that went on longer than I wanted it to,

476
00:21:39,481 --> 00:21:43,440
Speaker 2: and the true gravity of feeling when people say if

477
00:21:43,481 --> 00:21:45,440
Speaker 2: I wanted to end my life, it would be easy,

478
00:21:45,521 --> 00:21:47,960
Speaker 2: I sat there. I sat there with the kids on

479
00:21:48,001 --> 00:21:50,720
Speaker 2: a protective mechanism anymore. And I'd gone for drinks to

480
00:21:50,721 --> 00:21:53,041
Speaker 2: celebrate my book, and I realized I had no feel

481
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,441
Speaker 2: good hormones, too deplete. I shouldn't have drunk. I didn't

482
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:58,161
Speaker 2: drink to excess, But I also sat with imagine if

483
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,360
Speaker 2: I had a tendency to two drugs or alcohol. I

484
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,601
Speaker 2: would have followed through on that, and that's not how

485
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,480
Speaker 2: I felt, and in the light of day, it's not

486
00:22:04,521 --> 00:22:06,920
Speaker 2: how I feel. So there's a lot of people who

487
00:22:06,961 --> 00:22:11,080
Speaker 2: get themselves isolated, unravel themselves, or add drugs or alcohol

488
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,641
Speaker 2: and maybe act on something that in the light of day,

489
00:22:13,681 --> 00:22:16,441
Speaker 2: with good support, I almost guarantee that wouldn't be how

490
00:22:16,481 --> 00:22:19,120
Speaker 2: you felt. So you've convinced yourself that you're alone in

491
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:22,681
Speaker 2: your suffering, and our circle matters so much. And it's

492
00:22:22,761 --> 00:22:26,400
Speaker 2: such a powerful investment to make now before life comes

493
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,600
Speaker 2: for you. Because if you're listening to this and you're like, wow,

494
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:33,600
Speaker 2: that's horrific, and no, I too hope that your grief

495
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,640
Speaker 2: and loss never ever looks anything like mine. But I

496
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,281
Speaker 2: promise you grief and loss is going to come for you,

497
00:22:37,321 --> 00:22:39,840
Speaker 2: because it's part of our contractual agreement with this life

498
00:22:40,321 --> 00:22:42,641
Speaker 2: is that I get to be here and have love

499
00:22:42,721 --> 00:22:45,640
Speaker 2: and passion and adventure, but I will experience grief and

500
00:22:45,681 --> 00:22:49,440
Speaker 2: sadness at the absence of loss of the things or

501
00:22:49,441 --> 00:22:51,880
Speaker 2: the people that I loved and held nearest and dearest.

502
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,961
Speaker 2: So if we realize that and we can't deny it,

503
00:22:55,481 --> 00:22:58,680
Speaker 2: then we've just acknowledged the fact that life is going

504
00:22:58,721 --> 00:23:00,961
Speaker 2: to come for us, not like me, not like this.

505
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,681
Speaker 2: It doesn't need to be like this, because you could

506
00:23:02,681 --> 00:23:05,680
Speaker 2: be somebody who had a beautiful childhood, no trauma. I

507
00:23:05,681 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 2: don't know where these people live.

508
00:23:09,001 --> 00:23:17,600
Speaker 6: No trauma, amazing parents, well adjusted, and I'm like, life

509
00:23:17,681 --> 00:23:18,281
Speaker 6: is going to come for you.

510
00:23:20,001 --> 00:23:23,521
Speaker 2: Let's say you had everything is amazing. Then when you

511
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,281
Speaker 2: lose those amazing parents who set you up, and even

512
00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:28,640
Speaker 2: if they live a healthy life, and you lose them

513
00:23:28,721 --> 00:23:30,920
Speaker 2: later at life, which is totally foreseeable, and you have

514
00:23:31,001 --> 00:23:33,680
Speaker 2: the privilege of say illness that warns you or whatever

515
00:23:33,721 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 2: it is. And I use the word privilege because I

516
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,720
Speaker 2: don't mean it's a privilege to be sick, but the

517
00:23:38,801 --> 00:23:40,960
Speaker 2: warning when it comes with it is a privilege that

518
00:23:41,001 --> 00:23:44,841
Speaker 2: we underestimate. Then what I'm watching is these people who

519
00:23:44,921 --> 00:23:47,961
Speaker 2: are saying their forties losing their adult parents and being

520
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,200
Speaker 2: so rocked, so unable to cope with the loss. And

521
00:23:51,281 --> 00:23:53,121
Speaker 2: I get it, because when I look at that kind

522
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:55,761
Speaker 2: of relationship, then you've got this. But I wanted my

523
00:23:55,921 --> 00:23:59,360
Speaker 2: kids to experience that, you know, So there's nobody, nobody,

524
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,680
Speaker 2: not even these unicorns who had a great childhood and

525
00:24:01,681 --> 00:24:04,641
Speaker 2: an amazing lime there's going to get out of life

526
00:24:04,721 --> 00:24:07,400
Speaker 2: scott free. Yeah, life will come for us. So if

527
00:24:07,481 --> 00:24:10,920
Speaker 2: we know that, then there is actually the capacity that

528
00:24:10,961 --> 00:24:14,561
Speaker 2: we have and hopefully preemptively before our grief and loss,

529
00:24:15,001 --> 00:24:17,801
Speaker 2: to set ourselves up to be able to navigate it

530
00:24:17,801 --> 00:24:20,001
Speaker 2: in a way that's kinder and softer. And it doesn't

531
00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:22,480
Speaker 2: mean kind and soft, because the storms of life wouldn't

532
00:24:22,521 --> 00:24:24,840
Speaker 2: be storms if they were kind and soft. Yeah, but

533
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,321
Speaker 2: I would, and I talk about it in my book

534
00:24:27,441 --> 00:24:32,481
Speaker 2: using gratitude like an insurance policy because you ensure your car. Yeah,

535
00:24:32,521 --> 00:24:34,041
Speaker 2: we don't want to. We don't want to pay them

536
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,880
Speaker 2: the insurance because fuck them. And the home is that

537
00:24:37,961 --> 00:24:40,121
Speaker 2: I own my car across the lifespan and I never

538
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 2: have to make a claim, So then I resent the payment.

539
00:24:42,241 --> 00:24:44,760
Speaker 2: But the reality is if you did have to make

540
00:24:44,801 --> 00:24:46,920
Speaker 2: it claim, you'd be so grateful that you did have

541
00:24:47,041 --> 00:24:50,400
Speaker 2: it because it softens the blow. It maybe provides an

542
00:24:50,441 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 2: alternative car, or your car gets sorted or whatever it is.

543
00:24:53,321 --> 00:24:56,921
Speaker 2: But we acknowledge just by ownership, I predispose myself to risk.

544
00:24:56,961 --> 00:24:59,321
Speaker 2: And it doesn't mean driving. It could be in your driveway,

545
00:24:59,321 --> 00:25:01,321
Speaker 2: it could be hail it could be theft, it could

546
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:05,321
Speaker 2: be anything. We acknowledge that the ownership alone predisposed me

547
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,961
Speaker 2: to risk that would make me potentially uncomfortable in life.

548
00:25:08,001 --> 00:25:10,400
Speaker 2: So I'm going to ensure myself to soften the blow

549
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,121
Speaker 2: of any potential discomfort. And we do it. We might

550
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,041
Speaker 2: resent it, but we do it, and then we go

551
00:25:15,521 --> 00:25:17,440
Speaker 2: la la la. Life's not going to come for me

552
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 2: like and I did. I was a bit of a dick.

553
00:25:20,201 --> 00:25:21,840
Speaker 2: I thought I wasn't trying to be a dick, but

554
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:24,160
Speaker 2: I thought by staying on the right side of the

555
00:25:24,201 --> 00:25:26,960
Speaker 2: health line as far as being a healthcare professional, that

556
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,401
Speaker 2: I would be kind of immune. I would help you

557
00:25:30,441 --> 00:25:33,241
Speaker 2: guys through your grief and loss and trauma and all

558
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,200
Speaker 2: of these things that really did traumatize me being in

559
00:25:36,521 --> 00:25:39,600
Speaker 2: the healthcare industry for twenty years. But you do. You

560
00:25:39,801 --> 00:25:42,121
Speaker 2: just kind of think. But I'm watching it every day,

561
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:42,761
Speaker 2: but it's not going to.

562
00:25:42,761 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 3: Happen to me, like I'm a damn good smaritan.

563
00:25:44,681 --> 00:25:49,441
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I'm doing good. It's not even that you're

564
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,120
Speaker 2: out there with this massive ego going fuck you life.

565
00:25:52,441 --> 00:25:56,521
Speaker 2: You don't get me, miss me. It's just a naivet.

566
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,881
Speaker 2: We don't give it thought that's the problem. We think

567
00:25:58,921 --> 00:26:00,521
Speaker 2: it's all this bad shit is going to happen to

568
00:26:00,521 --> 00:26:03,080
Speaker 2: somebody else. There's like this invincible energy.

569
00:26:03,241 --> 00:26:04,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, a little bit.

570
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 2: Like oh no, just like if we brought conversations around

571
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:08,801
Speaker 2: the darkness into the light, we could be doing better

572
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,521
Speaker 2: to save lives. Because I don't know if I mentioned before,

573
00:26:11,561 --> 00:26:14,201
Speaker 2: but I didn't realize before I lost Riley that nine

574
00:26:14,201 --> 00:26:15,960
Speaker 2: people every day take their life in this country, and

575
00:26:15,961 --> 00:26:18,600
Speaker 2: six of them are men. That's horrific. And that's just

576
00:26:18,721 --> 00:26:21,241
Speaker 2: the ones that succeed. That's not the amount of people

577
00:26:21,241 --> 00:26:23,001
Speaker 2: that hurt themselves. That's not the amount of people with

578
00:26:23,041 --> 00:26:25,481
Speaker 2: their hand on the doorknob of life convince that their

579
00:26:25,481 --> 00:26:27,480
Speaker 2: friends or family would somehow be better off if they

580
00:26:27,481 --> 00:26:30,041
Speaker 2: weren't here. And in the aftermath of losing Raley, I've

581
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 2: had male friends come and open up to me about

582
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,440
Speaker 2: how they're struggling and thinking about ending their life. And

583
00:26:34,481 --> 00:26:38,961
Speaker 2: these are beautiful men, not just aesthetically family men, successful

584
00:26:39,001 --> 00:26:41,680
Speaker 2: business owners, life of the party. And you're like, wait what,

585
00:26:42,521 --> 00:26:45,840
Speaker 2: And I think that men suffer in silence, they do

586
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,441
Speaker 2: they self isolate and that will unravel anyone and they're

587
00:26:50,481 --> 00:26:53,681
Speaker 2: convinced that they're alone in their suffering, and it's someone

588
00:26:53,721 --> 00:26:55,960
Speaker 2: turned the light on. If we did, we'd see how

589
00:26:56,001 --> 00:26:58,920
Speaker 2: many people were in that darkness with us, and that

590
00:26:59,001 --> 00:27:01,640
Speaker 2: alone could lift our heads above water. Because there goes

591
00:27:01,681 --> 00:27:05,521
Speaker 2: that I'm alone in my suffering. There goes the yeah,

592
00:27:05,561 --> 00:27:09,281
Speaker 2: the isolation of it. You actually would feel more validated,

593
00:27:09,441 --> 00:27:10,720
Speaker 2: pine calm communication.

594
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 4: Yeah.

595
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:13,921
Speaker 2: And the other thing that I think that we all

596
00:27:14,001 --> 00:27:18,160
Speaker 2: have the capacity for, we're just enough trauma away from

597
00:27:18,521 --> 00:27:21,161
Speaker 2: is to be homicidal and a rage that we don't

598
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:25,561
Speaker 2: even know exists. And in the aftermath of losing her,

599
00:27:25,801 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 2: my instinct was to choose kindness and reach out and

600
00:27:28,921 --> 00:27:31,121
Speaker 2: make sure that the person was okay. Who had done

601
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,121
Speaker 2: it because I found out that they might be being bullied.

602
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:38,960
Speaker 2: Teacher so it was her supervisor at work. No, the bully,

603
00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:41,281
Speaker 2: So the bully who had been I found out that

604
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,080
Speaker 2: they might be being bullied because somebody had said it

605
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,041
Speaker 2: the celebration of lights. It's still be fucking fault. So

606
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,720
Speaker 2: then I went into We've got to make sure this

607
00:27:48,801 --> 00:27:51,200
Speaker 2: kid's okay because I knew that they had had their

608
00:27:51,201 --> 00:27:53,921
Speaker 2: own struggles mentally in suicide attempts since so I had

609
00:27:53,961 --> 00:27:58,640
Speaker 2: reached out to the mum and said, you know, you

610
00:27:58,681 --> 00:28:00,880
Speaker 2: need to know this person was being unkind and it

611
00:28:00,921 --> 00:28:03,960
Speaker 2: was met with defensiveness, which I understand, but I was

612
00:28:04,001 --> 00:28:05,881
Speaker 2: just crying. I said, look, you need to know Ki

613
00:28:06,001 --> 00:28:07,801
Speaker 2: and I aren't looking to place blame. I just don't

614
00:28:07,801 --> 00:28:10,200
Speaker 2: want anyone to hurt like this. Nobody warned me that

615
00:28:10,241 --> 00:28:12,801
Speaker 2: my baby was hurting. I'm telling you that your child

616
00:28:12,921 --> 00:28:15,121
Speaker 2: is at risk because I couldn't live with myself if

617
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,041
Speaker 2: something happened. And I reached out to the principal, who

618
00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:20,801
Speaker 2: has been amazing, and said, you know, I'm just trying

619
00:28:20,801 --> 00:28:23,640
Speaker 2: to make sure that you need to know this person

620
00:28:23,721 --> 00:28:26,960
Speaker 2: might be at risk, and he essentially this plan was

621
00:28:26,961 --> 00:28:29,521
Speaker 2: made for me to contact the person that night. Once

622
00:28:29,521 --> 00:28:31,961
Speaker 2: we got the kids home, ironically from their workshop for

623
00:28:32,041 --> 00:28:35,480
Speaker 2: children affected by suicide, So we get them home, Kain

624
00:28:35,521 --> 00:28:37,521
Speaker 2: and I walked to the beach do the call, which

625
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:40,321
Speaker 2: was my instinct. It felt right where I said, you know,

626
00:28:40,481 --> 00:28:42,681
Speaker 2: I want you to delete everything negative between you and

627
00:28:42,681 --> 00:28:44,921
Speaker 2: a really, if you're tempted to think about her, I've

628
00:28:45,241 --> 00:28:47,801
Speaker 2: found this beautiful, long love letter that she wrote for

629
00:28:47,841 --> 00:28:50,241
Speaker 2: you your last birthday. That's how I want her remembered.

630
00:28:50,321 --> 00:28:53,841
Speaker 2: And I was crying. He couldn't speak, and I said,

631
00:28:54,121 --> 00:28:55,720
Speaker 2: I want you to look around the room, at the

632
00:28:55,761 --> 00:28:59,241
Speaker 2: adults in the room, and know that there's never anything

633
00:28:59,401 --> 00:29:02,121
Speaker 2: worth hurting yourself over. You've got the right supports and

634
00:29:02,161 --> 00:29:04,601
Speaker 2: love in your life and whatever. And that felt like

635
00:29:04,761 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 2: the thing to do. I got off the phone and

636
00:29:07,281 --> 00:29:09,481
Speaker 2: I just collapsed. It was the hardest thing I'd ever

637
00:29:09,561 --> 00:29:11,641
Speaker 2: done up until that date. It was harder than a

638
00:29:11,681 --> 00:29:16,281
Speaker 2: celebration of life to know that your actions are intentionally.

639
00:29:16,561 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 2: I'm so grateful I did it to be saving the

640
00:29:19,841 --> 00:29:25,480
Speaker 2: life potentially. So the next day I woke up in

641
00:29:25,561 --> 00:29:27,561
Speaker 2: a rage I didn't know as possible. And I was

642
00:29:27,641 --> 00:29:29,601
Speaker 2: very familiar with anger because my life is sucked a

643
00:29:29,641 --> 00:29:32,440
Speaker 2: bag Dix and there's been a lot of trauma, abuse

644
00:29:32,441 --> 00:29:34,881
Speaker 2: and neglect. So I thought I was familiar with anger.

645
00:29:35,201 --> 00:29:38,241
Speaker 2: It had kept me safe throughout my younger years and

646
00:29:38,561 --> 00:29:42,081
Speaker 2: was someone I considered a friend. But this was rage.

647
00:29:42,201 --> 00:29:45,281
Speaker 2: This was homicidal rage. I said to Car, I want

648
00:29:45,321 --> 00:29:47,321
Speaker 2: to kill the person. I want to cause their death

649
00:29:47,321 --> 00:29:48,881
Speaker 2: and I want to make the mum watch. I want

650
00:29:48,881 --> 00:29:51,240
Speaker 2: to run their head over with my car and I

651
00:29:51,361 --> 00:29:54,041
Speaker 2: want to cause the death. And I was crying because

652
00:29:54,041 --> 00:29:56,321
Speaker 2: I was like this isn't me. I don't have any

653
00:29:56,601 --> 00:29:59,841
Speaker 2: of this in me. I've been raped and drugged and

654
00:29:59,961 --> 00:30:02,881
Speaker 2: raped and molested and all of these things, and never

655
00:30:02,921 --> 00:30:06,841
Speaker 2: did I wish to harm another. It was just this

656
00:30:07,361 --> 00:30:12,881
Speaker 2: non consensual homicidal rate. And I sat in that couldn't eat,

657
00:30:12,961 --> 00:30:15,481
Speaker 2: couldn't sleep for three days. And I tell my girls

658
00:30:15,481 --> 00:30:17,681
Speaker 2: it's important to acknowledge your emotions allow them to be.

659
00:30:18,001 --> 00:30:19,801
Speaker 2: But then it becomes a choice whether or not you

660
00:30:19,881 --> 00:30:22,081
Speaker 2: stay there. And I had to make a choice because

661
00:30:22,121 --> 00:30:23,961
Speaker 2: I could feel I would have died within a month.

662
00:30:24,001 --> 00:30:26,801
Speaker 2: I would have brewed a cancer that killed me so fast.

663
00:30:26,841 --> 00:30:29,561
Speaker 2: I was dying at a cellular level in a way

664
00:30:29,881 --> 00:30:32,641
Speaker 2: that I could feel would be like a lobster alive

665
00:30:32,681 --> 00:30:36,200
Speaker 2: in a poll. I was dying fast, or I was

666
00:30:36,201 --> 00:30:39,801
Speaker 2: gonna take some people with me. Yeah, And so I

667
00:30:39,841 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 2: made a choice. I chose forgiveness. I chose life. I

668
00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:45,321
Speaker 2: had to because it was one or the other. You

669
00:30:45,361 --> 00:30:49,121
Speaker 2: can't stay in that place and live. And I'm not

670
00:30:49,161 --> 00:30:52,001
Speaker 2: saying to people that if there's something an injustices, it's

671
00:30:52,041 --> 00:30:54,481
Speaker 2: happened that needs you to act, not to act. I'm

672
00:30:54,521 --> 00:30:57,841
Speaker 2: saying that for me, with the limited energy that I had,

673
00:30:58,521 --> 00:31:02,561
Speaker 2: my choice was based on my awareness that whether the

674
00:31:02,561 --> 00:31:05,480
Speaker 2: groomer or the bully, they're one of two kinds of people.

675
00:31:05,521 --> 00:31:07,561
Speaker 2: They're either in a self imposed prison of guilt and

676
00:31:07,641 --> 00:31:10,401
Speaker 2: regret that I wouldn't wish on anyone isn't locked they

677
00:31:10,401 --> 00:31:13,041
Speaker 2: can actually do the work to become a better version

678
00:31:13,081 --> 00:31:16,481
Speaker 2: of themselves and exit that in this life, or they're

679
00:31:16,481 --> 00:31:19,681
Speaker 2: potentially sociopathic or psychopathic and would do the same thing

680
00:31:19,721 --> 00:31:22,401
Speaker 2: to the next person. Neither of those realities can I

681
00:31:22,441 --> 00:31:25,841
Speaker 2: influence or change. And so me staying in a place

682
00:31:25,841 --> 00:31:29,641
Speaker 2: of anger looking back wanting revenge what meant that they

683
00:31:29,641 --> 00:31:32,480
Speaker 2: didn't just lose their sister, They lost their mum and

684
00:31:32,521 --> 00:31:35,520
Speaker 2: I lost my life. And for what Because it's not

685
00:31:35,521 --> 00:31:38,881
Speaker 2: going to bring her back. You're not I've paid the

686
00:31:38,961 --> 00:31:41,761
Speaker 2: ultimate price. I'm not paying more. I don't even know

687
00:31:41,761 --> 00:31:45,081
Speaker 2: what I'm paying for. I'm a great mum, but I'm

688
00:31:45,121 --> 00:31:49,481
Speaker 2: also not a victim. And if Riley's term on earth

689
00:31:49,601 --> 00:31:51,921
Speaker 2: was always meant to be fifteen years, and it's our

690
00:31:51,961 --> 00:31:54,601
Speaker 2: ego that wants to think that we could have, should

691
00:31:54,601 --> 00:31:56,681
Speaker 2: have been able to know or do something or that

692
00:31:56,881 --> 00:31:58,881
Speaker 2: kept her here longer, what if it was the beginning

693
00:31:58,921 --> 00:32:02,401
Speaker 2: of a mental health condition that caused her to seek

694
00:32:02,561 --> 00:32:05,001
Speaker 2: relief in drugs and alcohol. She had kids and then

695
00:32:05,081 --> 00:32:07,200
Speaker 2: took her life in her forties. Anyway, you know, like

696
00:32:07,401 --> 00:32:09,921
Speaker 2: our ego wants to think that us knowing might have

697
00:32:10,001 --> 00:32:11,761
Speaker 2: meant that it would have been different. But what if

698
00:32:11,761 --> 00:32:14,841
Speaker 2: her turn was always to be fifteen years? And I

699
00:32:14,881 --> 00:32:18,200
Speaker 2: went and saw this amazing therapist in the early days,

700
00:32:18,281 --> 00:32:20,161
Speaker 2: and he talked to me about what do you think

701
00:32:20,201 --> 00:32:22,720
Speaker 2: her purpose he was, And I said, she came to

702
00:32:22,761 --> 00:32:26,001
Speaker 2: be love. She came to teach me about love. I

703
00:32:26,041 --> 00:32:28,841
Speaker 2: said that she was our honeymoon love personifight is rally

704
00:32:28,881 --> 00:32:32,241
Speaker 2: coming from abuse and neglect and so much bad stuff

705
00:32:32,281 --> 00:32:36,440
Speaker 2: happening to me had the hands of men. I needed

706
00:32:36,441 --> 00:32:38,921
Speaker 2: a son first, and I'm grateful the universe gave me that.

707
00:32:39,041 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 2: But I was so convinced that I was to be

708
00:32:41,521 --> 00:32:43,761
Speaker 2: the mother of Boice. This is the soft version of me.

709
00:32:44,081 --> 00:32:46,801
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm too hard around the edges, I'm

710
00:32:46,841 --> 00:32:49,801
Speaker 2: too angry, I'm true, like, nah, I cannot protect a

711
00:32:49,841 --> 00:32:51,801
Speaker 2: girl like my own mom couldn't do it. I don't

712
00:32:51,801 --> 00:32:54,841
Speaker 2: want that responsibility. I've wanted six kids, and I wanted

713
00:32:54,841 --> 00:32:59,281
Speaker 2: them all to have penises. And I cried when there

714
00:32:59,321 --> 00:33:01,401
Speaker 2: was no penis on the ultrasound for rally for like

715
00:33:01,641 --> 00:33:03,921
Speaker 2: a month. Then I felt guilty because all I've ever

716
00:33:03,961 --> 00:33:06,561
Speaker 2: wanted is to be a mom. I was crying and

717
00:33:07,041 --> 00:33:11,241
Speaker 2: not welcoming her. And then I got three girls, and

718
00:33:11,881 --> 00:33:14,681
Speaker 2: I would always say, though, if we got everything we

719
00:33:14,721 --> 00:33:16,480
Speaker 2: thought we wanted in life, we would miss out on

720
00:33:16,521 --> 00:33:18,801
Speaker 2: so much, because every one of them softened me more

721
00:33:18,801 --> 00:33:20,321
Speaker 2: and more and showed me a love I never would

722
00:33:20,321 --> 00:33:22,200
Speaker 2: have known if it wasn't for the opportunity to be

723
00:33:22,241 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 2: the mother of girls and imagine six boys. But I imagine,

724
00:33:26,521 --> 00:33:29,240
Speaker 2: I don't I know, and I don't want any of

725
00:33:29,281 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 2: this to sound like I'm a man hater or like

726
00:33:31,281 --> 00:33:37,081
Speaker 2: manner difficult, Bud, come on, come on, It's challenging, and

727
00:33:37,441 --> 00:33:41,480
Speaker 2: I'm so grateful. But I truly believe that she was

728
00:33:41,521 --> 00:33:45,761
Speaker 2: here to teach me about love, but how to love myself.

729
00:33:46,241 --> 00:33:48,681
Speaker 2: And of all my children, she looked the most like me,

730
00:33:49,081 --> 00:33:52,401
Speaker 2: and KAI would say, she's just you. She's you before

731
00:33:52,401 --> 00:33:54,881
Speaker 2: the world got its hands on you. And to look

732
00:33:54,921 --> 00:33:58,201
Speaker 2: at and know the fear that I had in would

733
00:33:58,241 --> 00:34:00,641
Speaker 2: I be able to protect a girl from the cruelties

734
00:34:00,681 --> 00:34:03,041
Speaker 2: of the world and then go it really isn't that

735
00:34:03,121 --> 00:34:07,601
Speaker 2: fucking hard to love protect this beautiful, innocent little being.

736
00:34:08,081 --> 00:34:10,161
Speaker 2: And then it was all of the anger that came

737
00:34:10,201 --> 00:34:12,801
Speaker 2: to the surface. And because I was molested when I

738
00:34:12,841 --> 00:34:15,681
Speaker 2: was five, like having this five year old just going

739
00:34:15,721 --> 00:34:19,641
Speaker 2: how could anyone sexualize or objectifier? Like all of this

740
00:34:19,721 --> 00:34:22,761
Speaker 2: stuff that she brought to the surface just by her presence,

741
00:34:22,841 --> 00:34:26,841
Speaker 2: but was just love and showed me this love I

742
00:34:26,881 --> 00:34:28,921
Speaker 2: never would have known if it wasn't for the opportunity

743
00:34:28,921 --> 00:34:30,841
Speaker 2: to be her mum and if her term here was

744
00:34:30,841 --> 00:34:33,761
Speaker 2: fifteen years. I got to love her and be loved

745
00:34:33,801 --> 00:34:37,841
Speaker 2: by her. And the last big conversation we had the

746
00:34:37,921 --> 00:34:40,201
Speaker 2: night before when she was in trouble, was about how

747
00:34:40,241 --> 00:34:43,921
Speaker 2: much I loved her so freaking beautiful. Don't get me wrong.

748
00:34:44,361 --> 00:34:47,681
Speaker 2: November is like the third anniversary. She should be eighteen.

749
00:34:47,801 --> 00:34:50,041
Speaker 2: I should be going clubbing with her, all these things.

750
00:34:50,241 --> 00:34:52,601
Speaker 2: It's valid to say I should be doing those things.

751
00:34:52,641 --> 00:34:55,241
Speaker 2: And I know that every life event, when the girls

752
00:34:55,281 --> 00:34:57,561
Speaker 2: get married, when they have a baby, I have to

753
00:34:57,601 --> 00:35:00,961
Speaker 2: be so aware of dealing with my grief so that

754
00:35:01,041 --> 00:35:03,961
Speaker 2: it doesn't negatively impact those things, because I would never

755
00:35:04,001 --> 00:35:05,961
Speaker 2: want the girls to be I don't want to put

756
00:35:06,001 --> 00:35:09,081
Speaker 2: the baby in mum because it's upsetting it. I don't

757
00:35:09,121 --> 00:35:10,721
Speaker 2: want to be robbed of the present.

758
00:35:10,441 --> 00:35:14,201
Speaker 5: Because the past hurts or the future won't be You know,

759
00:35:14,761 --> 00:35:19,521
Speaker 5: there's so much conscious investment in living the fuck out

760
00:35:19,561 --> 00:35:22,161
Speaker 5: of this life, but it's probably the best investment you'll

761
00:35:22,201 --> 00:35:25,401
Speaker 5: ever make because we only get one red hot crack

762
00:35:25,481 --> 00:35:29,321
Speaker 5: at it, and I'm so grateful to still be in it.

763
00:35:29,481 --> 00:35:30,281
Speaker 5: So powerful.

764
00:35:31,361 --> 00:35:33,481
Speaker 1: Everything you've said is so powerful and it's going to

765
00:35:33,521 --> 00:35:37,001
Speaker 1: impact so many people. Can you tell us about the

766
00:35:37,841 --> 00:35:39,761
Speaker 1: race methodism?

767
00:35:39,881 --> 00:35:44,601
Speaker 2: Yes, grounded in gratitude, So essentially it is wrapping up

768
00:35:44,881 --> 00:35:48,761
Speaker 2: the approach to life and resilience and the capacity that

769
00:35:48,801 --> 00:35:51,440
Speaker 2: we all have for it. You know what's interesting, though,

770
00:35:51,721 --> 00:35:56,881
Speaker 2: is I couldn't remember anything, and the trauma of her

771
00:35:56,961 --> 00:36:00,001
Speaker 2: death and feeling that cotton walk feeling was what I

772
00:36:00,041 --> 00:36:01,801
Speaker 2: would equate to. When I explained it to my girls

773
00:36:01,801 --> 00:36:04,081
Speaker 2: when they were frustrated, we had this conversation, why don't

774
00:36:04,081 --> 00:36:05,681
Speaker 2: you remember when I saithing and I said, I have

775
00:36:05,761 --> 00:36:10,241
Speaker 2: a traumatic brain injury. Girls, I remember the moment my

776
00:36:10,321 --> 00:36:11,241
Speaker 2: brain broke on the.

777
00:36:11,161 --> 00:36:13,641
Speaker 5: Way down in the lift, and I said, I don't

778
00:36:13,681 --> 00:36:17,081
Speaker 5: know if it will ever get better, but it's like

779
00:36:17,881 --> 00:36:21,761
Speaker 5: living with early onset dementia when you know that your

780
00:36:21,801 --> 00:36:24,481
Speaker 5: brain is fucking betraying you, but you still have enough

781
00:36:24,561 --> 00:36:26,361
Speaker 5: of it to know that you should know that thing.

782
00:36:27,481 --> 00:36:32,201
Speaker 5: And I would even Last Christmas, I was in Burley

783
00:36:32,241 --> 00:36:33,161
Speaker 5: and this lady.

784
00:36:32,841 --> 00:36:36,801
Speaker 2: Gues the people I've had verbal diarrhea on about my trauma.

785
00:36:36,841 --> 00:36:39,521
Speaker 2: This lady the lights goes as well, how are you?

786
00:36:39,721 --> 00:36:42,321
Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, I know, I should know

787
00:36:42,321 --> 00:36:44,641
Speaker 2: who you are, but I'm sorry my daughter died, and

788
00:36:44,681 --> 00:36:47,521
Speaker 2: she goes, oh, darling, it's Stacy Hooper, one of the

789
00:36:47,561 --> 00:36:51,561
Speaker 2: main teachers from the school my children's soul childhood currently

790
00:36:51,601 --> 00:36:53,641
Speaker 2: in our life, Like not that I'm at the school,

791
00:36:53,641 --> 00:36:56,201
Speaker 2: they're in high school, come on, but you could see

792
00:36:56,241 --> 00:36:58,441
Speaker 2: she was like kind of kicked in the guts because

793
00:36:58,761 --> 00:37:01,561
Speaker 2: the fact that I was like, ah, because when people

794
00:37:01,601 --> 00:37:03,641
Speaker 2: would say things to me like, oh, you worried at

795
00:37:03,641 --> 00:37:06,281
Speaker 2: Golgo's hospital, do you know? Then like everyone thinks you

796
00:37:06,321 --> 00:37:13,401
Speaker 2: know everybody who works the hospitals, and then my brain

797
00:37:13,441 --> 00:37:16,001
Speaker 2: would go back looking for did I work with and

798
00:37:16,041 --> 00:37:18,121
Speaker 2: then hit her death and in that moment, I'm making

799
00:37:18,121 --> 00:37:20,241
Speaker 2: eye contact with you, but I'm reliving her death, and

800
00:37:20,241 --> 00:37:22,321
Speaker 2: then I'm like, I'm sorry, my daughter died and I

801
00:37:22,561 --> 00:37:24,401
Speaker 2: just have the verbal diarrhea and all these people and

802
00:37:24,441 --> 00:37:27,081
Speaker 2: they'd be like fucking Jesus. And then I got better

803
00:37:27,081 --> 00:37:29,721
Speaker 2: at going traumatic brain injury or explaining it a different way,

804
00:37:29,761 --> 00:37:31,401
Speaker 2: you know, And I said to the girls, I need

805
00:37:31,401 --> 00:37:33,081
Speaker 2: to have patience with me for the things that I

806
00:37:33,081 --> 00:37:35,681
Speaker 2: can't remember, because I hope that my brain gets better.

807
00:37:35,921 --> 00:37:39,201
Speaker 2: But the Grace method is the thing that essentially encompasses

808
00:37:39,441 --> 00:37:42,521
Speaker 2: my approach to life and everything, and it's about gratitude

809
00:37:42,601 --> 00:37:48,241
Speaker 2: and resilience and acceptance, radical acceptance because essentially it's so

810
00:37:48,361 --> 00:37:51,681
Speaker 2: powerful to allow what is to be. And then it's

811
00:37:51,761 --> 00:37:53,761
Speaker 2: kind of like there was let them theory that Mel

812
00:37:53,841 --> 00:37:56,281
Speaker 2: Robbins talks about, because yeah, Noel, let you now let me?

813
00:37:57,121 --> 00:37:59,281
Speaker 2: Like I can't accept that, But what am I actually

814
00:37:59,281 --> 00:38:02,321
Speaker 2: going to do about it? You know? It's just about

815
00:38:02,401 --> 00:38:04,641
Speaker 2: wrapping up how we can all kind of tap into

816
00:38:04,721 --> 00:38:07,681
Speaker 2: that resilience that don't keep talking about that we all

817
00:38:07,721 --> 00:38:11,521
Speaker 2: have the capacity for. And you one hundred percent can

818
00:38:11,601 --> 00:38:15,121
Speaker 2: navigate your darkest days and come through it because you

819
00:38:15,201 --> 00:38:17,401
Speaker 2: keep coming through it. I don't believe you come out

820
00:38:17,481 --> 00:38:20,281
Speaker 2: of a lot of things, because especially when we're talking

821
00:38:20,361 --> 00:38:23,201
Speaker 2: about grief, it's not something that's going to resolve, whether

822
00:38:23,241 --> 00:38:26,801
Speaker 2: it's your potential. Let's say you lost the career potential,

823
00:38:26,921 --> 00:38:29,321
Speaker 2: or got an injury that robbed you of what you

824
00:38:29,361 --> 00:38:31,041
Speaker 2: thought your life was going to look or feel like

825
00:38:31,761 --> 00:38:34,081
Speaker 2: or be in certain regards, whether it's the loss of

826
00:38:34,121 --> 00:38:36,761
Speaker 2: a pet, whether it's whatever it is. Because that's something

827
00:38:36,801 --> 00:38:39,241
Speaker 2: that I do want to mention is I believe that

828
00:38:39,361 --> 00:38:42,960
Speaker 2: comparison is the thief of joy. And when I talk

829
00:38:43,041 --> 00:38:45,801
Speaker 2: to people, they will often go, oh, They'll talk about

830
00:38:45,801 --> 00:38:47,761
Speaker 2: something in their life and then they'll go, oh, my god,

831
00:38:47,801 --> 00:38:49,481
Speaker 2: it doesn't compare to what you've been through. So many

832
00:38:49,521 --> 00:38:52,401
Speaker 2: people have said that to me, And why are we comparing?

833
00:38:52,601 --> 00:38:55,961
Speaker 2: Why does it need to compare? Because your grief is valid? Yeah?

834
00:38:56,001 --> 00:38:58,801
Speaker 2: And the reality is if your lived experience and the

835
00:38:58,841 --> 00:39:02,361
Speaker 2: limitations of your exposure in life mean that the greatest

836
00:39:02,401 --> 00:39:05,161
Speaker 2: significant loss that you've had is say a pet. You've

837
00:39:05,201 --> 00:39:06,921
Speaker 2: had to put a peta sleep, but that was the

838
00:39:06,921 --> 00:39:10,041
Speaker 2: most unconditional form of love that you've experienced, and you're

839
00:39:10,081 --> 00:39:12,361
Speaker 2: there going, why am I not? Okay? Why is that

840
00:39:12,441 --> 00:39:16,721
Speaker 2: not valid? Because that's the significant grief and loss for you?

841
00:39:17,121 --> 00:39:19,401
Speaker 2: And then you're there going, yeah, but your dolaughter jumped

842
00:39:19,441 --> 00:39:21,521
Speaker 2: off about it. Why does it need to compare? And

843
00:39:21,841 --> 00:39:25,801
Speaker 2: what happens is when we invalidate our suffering or don't

844
00:39:25,801 --> 00:39:29,241
Speaker 2: acknowledge it, we invalidate our lived experience, and we rob

845
00:39:29,281 --> 00:39:32,721
Speaker 2: ourselves of the capacity for joy and happiness and contentment

846
00:39:32,761 --> 00:39:36,041
Speaker 2: that lives on the other side of acknowledging and validating

847
00:39:36,081 --> 00:39:38,961
Speaker 2: our lived experience and our grief and loss. And only

848
00:39:39,361 --> 00:39:43,841
Speaker 2: by allowing that bridge to exist can we be sitting

849
00:39:43,881 --> 00:39:45,881
Speaker 2: here going, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life,

850
00:39:45,961 --> 00:39:47,921
Speaker 2: you know, and I love my life and I'm so

851
00:39:47,921 --> 00:39:50,201
Speaker 2: grateful to be here. But if I just kept whoever

852
00:39:50,281 --> 00:39:54,281
Speaker 2: I was in validating it, then I'm robbing myself of

853
00:39:54,521 --> 00:39:57,321
Speaker 2: and I'm not somebody who's going things need to compare,

854
00:39:57,641 --> 00:40:00,681
Speaker 2: and that doesn't always sit comfortably. They're like, but yeah,

855
00:40:00,801 --> 00:40:04,601
Speaker 2: but I'm like, but why? Because the reality is I

856
00:40:04,641 --> 00:40:07,001
Speaker 2: hope that your grief and loss never looks anything like

857
00:40:07,161 --> 00:40:10,361
Speaker 2: the boundaries or environmental factors of mine. But if and

858
00:40:10,401 --> 00:40:12,761
Speaker 2: when it doesn't, it doesn't invalidate it. And when we

859
00:40:12,841 --> 00:40:16,041
Speaker 2: start to realize that, Okay, actually I really wanted to

860
00:40:16,081 --> 00:40:18,561
Speaker 2: be a gymnast, you know, and let's say you put

861
00:40:18,601 --> 00:40:20,561
Speaker 2: all of this life and effort in training and then

862
00:40:20,561 --> 00:40:22,081
Speaker 2: you get an injury that robs you of that or

863
00:40:22,121 --> 00:40:25,041
Speaker 2: you can't play football anymore. That's a significant loss when

864
00:40:25,081 --> 00:40:27,801
Speaker 2: you invalidate it because you think it's not significant to

865
00:40:27,841 --> 00:40:31,761
Speaker 2: other people, or you're expecting other people to validate your loss.

866
00:40:31,801 --> 00:40:33,761
Speaker 2: And that's a trap too. How are they going to

867
00:40:33,841 --> 00:40:37,241
Speaker 2: validate it if it wasn't a valid gain for them,

868
00:40:37,321 --> 00:40:39,841
Speaker 2: It wasn't a valid potential. They haven't walked in your

869
00:40:39,841 --> 00:40:42,321
Speaker 2: shoes to know what that potential feels like. So they

870
00:40:42,361 --> 00:40:45,361
Speaker 2: were never expecting the realization of that goal or that

871
00:40:45,481 --> 00:40:48,321
Speaker 2: success to know the gravity of the loss of it.

872
00:40:49,081 --> 00:40:51,801
Speaker 2: And so if we don't sit it next to each

873
00:40:51,801 --> 00:40:54,441
Speaker 2: other in order to compare, we sit it next to

874
00:40:54,521 --> 00:40:58,961
Speaker 2: each other if needed, in order to validate our lived experience,

875
00:40:59,081 --> 00:41:02,841
Speaker 2: to have compassion and empathy for each other, but definitely

876
00:41:02,881 --> 00:41:06,161
Speaker 2: not to compare, because it comparison is of joy.

877
00:41:06,441 --> 00:41:10,721
Speaker 1: Love And at the moment, are you coaching and helping

878
00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:12,921
Speaker 1: other people through grief? Is that a passion of yours?

879
00:41:13,001 --> 00:41:16,321
Speaker 2: It is a massive passion. So I've just formatted that

880
00:41:16,401 --> 00:41:21,081
Speaker 2: grace framework to be able to start offering essentially some

881
00:41:21,201 --> 00:41:25,801
Speaker 2: resilience coaching, and so I want to be clear though

882
00:41:25,801 --> 00:41:28,361
Speaker 2: that I am not your savior. I talk about my

883
00:41:28,401 --> 00:41:30,681
Speaker 2: book in my book how It's Okay to not be okay,

884
00:41:30,721 --> 00:41:34,041
Speaker 2: and how important therapy and trained professionals in the area

885
00:41:34,201 --> 00:41:37,321
Speaker 2: of your grief and loss too, all your struggles, because

886
00:41:37,441 --> 00:41:41,161
Speaker 2: there's a very different niche for suicide related grief and

887
00:41:41,201 --> 00:41:43,921
Speaker 2: loss than there is for grief and loss. We've had

888
00:41:43,961 --> 00:41:47,361
Speaker 2: both specialties involved in our life and both are a benefit.

889
00:41:47,641 --> 00:41:50,721
Speaker 2: But it's really important to know that sometimes you need

890
00:41:50,761 --> 00:41:53,481
Speaker 2: to niche down. Sometimes you need someone with that firsthand

891
00:41:53,521 --> 00:41:56,081
Speaker 2: empathy or whatever it is to be able to really

892
00:41:56,161 --> 00:41:58,881
Speaker 2: tailor it to your lived experience, whatever that is, and

893
00:41:59,001 --> 00:42:01,881
Speaker 2: help you in doing so. That's so much sense. It's

894
00:42:01,921 --> 00:42:04,641
Speaker 2: important that if people are in the thick of it,

895
00:42:04,681 --> 00:42:07,561
Speaker 2: they might actually need those kinds of therapists or then

896
00:42:07,601 --> 00:42:09,721
Speaker 2: you're a feedback lady to heal the trauma and things

897
00:42:09,761 --> 00:42:12,681
Speaker 2: like that. My help has a place, but I'm never

898
00:42:12,721 --> 00:42:16,641
Speaker 2: trying to replace the equally important, if not more important,

899
00:42:16,681 --> 00:42:18,401
Speaker 2: depending on where you're at a new grief and loss

900
00:42:18,881 --> 00:42:21,601
Speaker 2: forms of therapy. The only other thing that I want

901
00:42:21,681 --> 00:42:23,681
Speaker 2: to talk about, I mean I could talk all day obviously,

902
00:42:23,721 --> 00:42:27,201
Speaker 2: and underwater after I lost Riley. So we had the

903
00:42:27,241 --> 00:42:30,321
Speaker 2: celebration of life, which is a beautiful alternative to a funeral,

904
00:42:30,361 --> 00:42:32,921
Speaker 2: because I remember in the days after, I was like,

905
00:42:32,921 --> 00:42:34,361
Speaker 2: we're not having a funeral. You're not spared to have

906
00:42:34,361 --> 00:42:37,721
Speaker 2: a fucking funeral for your child. But as the weekend unfolded,

907
00:42:37,761 --> 00:42:39,881
Speaker 2: I realized that we could have a celebration of life

908
00:42:39,921 --> 00:42:42,641
Speaker 2: and that that was not just about us. There were

909
00:42:42,761 --> 00:42:46,641
Speaker 2: the faculty appears that all needed somewhere for their unexpressed

910
00:42:46,681 --> 00:42:48,721
Speaker 2: love to go, but also would have been so much

911
00:42:48,761 --> 00:42:51,681
Speaker 2: more traumatized by not having any kind of not that

912
00:42:51,721 --> 00:42:54,961
Speaker 2: it provides closure, but no acknowledgment of their loss as well.

913
00:42:55,361 --> 00:42:57,161
Speaker 2: And so we had this celebration of life, which is

914
00:42:57,201 --> 00:42:59,681
Speaker 2: mostly a blurk as we were in shock, but amazing.

915
00:43:00,161 --> 00:43:02,441
Speaker 2: But we do it when we lose someone, trying to

916
00:43:02,481 --> 00:43:04,721
Speaker 2: translate and transmit all this love and appreciation we have

917
00:43:04,761 --> 00:43:06,721
Speaker 2: for them, but they're gone, And why are we not

918
00:43:06,801 --> 00:43:08,641
Speaker 2: doing more of that while people are here? Why are

919
00:43:08,681 --> 00:43:10,561
Speaker 2: we not giving people their flowers while they're still here

920
00:43:10,601 --> 00:43:12,641
Speaker 2: to smell them? And if we did more of that,

921
00:43:12,681 --> 00:43:16,161
Speaker 2: do you know how you could combat unforeseen loss free

922
00:43:16,201 --> 00:43:18,641
Speaker 2: from guilt and regret? And remorse because that person was

923
00:43:18,641 --> 00:43:20,161
Speaker 2: in your mind the day before they died and you

924
00:43:20,201 --> 00:43:23,761
Speaker 2: didn't reach out to them. And I believe that statistically,

925
00:43:23,801 --> 00:43:26,241
Speaker 2: with all of those losses that we're having, if we

926
00:43:26,281 --> 00:43:29,641
Speaker 2: did start giving people their flowers, we could save lives

927
00:43:30,001 --> 00:43:33,161
Speaker 2: because if you took the opportunity in the next week,

928
00:43:33,241 --> 00:43:35,921
Speaker 2: even just once, that somebody popping into your mind is

929
00:43:36,001 --> 00:43:39,281
Speaker 2: the universe. If you want nudging you to just call them,

930
00:43:39,321 --> 00:43:42,401
Speaker 2: stop what you're doing. Call them voice messages better than

931
00:43:42,401 --> 00:43:46,481
Speaker 2: text because they hear the enthusiasm in your voice or text,

932
00:43:46,561 --> 00:43:48,281
Speaker 2: and tell them how much they mean to you, how

933
00:43:48,361 --> 00:43:50,520
Speaker 2: much you appreciate them, how they show up in life,

934
00:43:50,521 --> 00:43:53,241
Speaker 2: whatever it is, how they've impacted you. We would be

935
00:43:53,361 --> 00:43:55,801
Speaker 2: saving lives. And it's like a drug. You start doing it,

936
00:43:55,841 --> 00:43:58,161
Speaker 2: you'll have a hard time not doing it because you

937
00:43:58,201 --> 00:44:00,521
Speaker 2: get the dopamine hit too, and then you'll get in

938
00:44:00,561 --> 00:44:03,961
Speaker 2: such a habit of doing it that then it becomes

939
00:44:04,121 --> 00:44:08,361
Speaker 2: like alp in your day because it's commonplace that down

940
00:44:08,401 --> 00:44:10,401
Speaker 2: the track they might tell you saved my life that day,

941
00:44:10,921 --> 00:44:13,641
Speaker 2: and that conversation that texts, that recording might be the

942
00:44:13,761 --> 00:44:15,481
Speaker 2: very thing that puts ahead above Wader. When they were

943
00:44:15,481 --> 00:44:17,601
Speaker 2: convinced that they were going to drown, and so on

944
00:44:17,681 --> 00:44:20,081
Speaker 2: the twenty ninth of November, Saturday, the twenty night them

945
00:44:20,081 --> 00:44:23,641
Speaker 2: having a celebration of life not necessitated by death, where

946
00:44:23,641 --> 00:44:25,801
Speaker 2: we give people their flowers while they're still here to

947
00:44:25,841 --> 00:44:28,361
Speaker 2: smell them. It is a big family friendly day at

948
00:44:28,361 --> 00:44:32,481
Speaker 2: the Burly Driving Range, live music, food, truck bar, go

949
00:44:32,601 --> 00:44:37,161
Speaker 2: of driving Range, jumping castle, face painting, glitter bar, photo booth,

950
00:44:37,281 --> 00:44:40,841
Speaker 2: unlimited photos I paid for so that people can Saturday, Yeah,

951
00:44:40,881 --> 00:44:44,281
Speaker 2: at four in the afternoon, a fire dance performance, a

952
00:44:44,361 --> 00:44:48,201
Speaker 2: big family friendly day and it's a November event. So

953
00:44:48,241 --> 00:44:51,201
Speaker 2: the proceeds from the tickets and the raffles will go

954
00:44:51,201 --> 00:44:54,161
Speaker 2: to men's mental health and suicide prevention. I started going,

955
00:44:54,161 --> 00:44:55,841
Speaker 2: I'm really hoping it takes off and is going to

956
00:44:55,841 --> 00:44:57,841
Speaker 2: be an annual event. I'm a powerhouse. It is an

957
00:44:57,881 --> 00:45:02,321
Speaker 2: annual event. My premium you met me, Hi, my husband

958
00:45:02,401 --> 00:45:08,001
Speaker 2: is a universe. So this is the premiere of my

959
00:45:08,121 --> 00:45:11,601
Speaker 2: annual event, the GC Celebration of Life, where it's going

960
00:45:11,641 --> 00:45:13,561
Speaker 2: to blow up. It's a big old love fest. It's

961
00:45:13,601 --> 00:45:15,361
Speaker 2: going to take off and become like a kind of

962
00:45:15,441 --> 00:45:17,521
Speaker 2: music festival. Is how I see it that we're going

963
00:45:17,601 --> 00:45:20,201
Speaker 2: to do every year, and because we'll have this big

964
00:45:20,281 --> 00:45:22,921
Speaker 2: love fest for the day. My hope is that people

965
00:45:22,961 --> 00:45:25,681
Speaker 2: will go forward and even if the intention is for

966
00:45:25,681 --> 00:45:29,361
Speaker 2: the next fifty two weeks, once a week, pause tell someone,

967
00:45:29,521 --> 00:45:33,321
Speaker 2: because I would challenge those who do it and commit

968
00:45:33,401 --> 00:45:34,761
Speaker 2: to it to come back to me in a year

969
00:45:34,801 --> 00:45:36,641
Speaker 2: and tell me you only did it fifty two times,

970
00:45:36,921 --> 00:45:39,561
Speaker 2: because I reckon you'll fall love doing it. And I

971
00:45:39,641 --> 00:45:43,081
Speaker 2: truly believe that as good as the donations and stuff

972
00:45:43,121 --> 00:45:47,241
Speaker 2: from the raffles into November is, there's such a bigger, potential,

973
00:45:47,321 --> 00:45:50,881
Speaker 2: powerful movement that could happen that's going to combat those

974
00:45:50,921 --> 00:45:53,561
Speaker 2: statistics because we can save lives.

975
00:45:53,761 --> 00:45:57,721
Speaker 1: Yeah amazing. I mean, suppose anyone listening, do you need donation?

976
00:45:57,921 --> 00:46:00,921
Speaker 1: One hundred I own a buff and body when I'd

977
00:46:00,961 --> 00:46:01,481
Speaker 1: love to donate.

978
00:46:01,561 --> 00:46:04,361
Speaker 2: Yes, it was going to because I'm also a customer,

979
00:46:05,641 --> 00:46:09,481
Speaker 2: But yes, any businesses that could donate goods or services

980
00:46:09,521 --> 00:46:12,241
Speaker 2: to the raffle pool one hundred percent. I am still

981
00:46:12,281 --> 00:46:14,681
Speaker 2: looking for a couple of major prizes if we can.

982
00:46:14,801 --> 00:46:18,321
Speaker 2: I was hoping for a night or two's accommodation or something.

983
00:46:18,441 --> 00:46:21,321
Speaker 2: A couple of guys were suggesting yesterday. Even a dinghy,

984
00:46:21,401 --> 00:46:23,121
Speaker 2: I reckon we could get a few business owners to

985
00:46:23,201 --> 00:46:26,001
Speaker 2: chuck in. There are only two thousand dollars. I was like, oh,

986
00:46:26,041 --> 00:46:28,480
Speaker 2: I'm thinking small. These guys are like, nah, let's take

987
00:46:28,561 --> 00:46:32,081
Speaker 2: bigger better. So yeah, anything. If somebody's listening and they're like,

988
00:46:32,121 --> 00:46:34,161
Speaker 2: oh my god, this would be an if you would

989
00:46:34,241 --> 00:46:36,361
Speaker 2: want to win it, I want it, yeah, because if

990
00:46:36,401 --> 00:46:38,361
Speaker 2: your kids would want to win it, because the beauty

991
00:46:38,361 --> 00:46:40,440
Speaker 2: of the raffles on the day you get to put

992
00:46:40,481 --> 00:46:41,961
Speaker 2: your ticket in the thing you want to win, so

993
00:46:42,001 --> 00:46:43,721
Speaker 2: the prize is only going to be taken by people

994
00:46:43,761 --> 00:46:46,081
Speaker 2: who wanted them. But also, you don't have an adult

995
00:46:46,121 --> 00:46:48,721
Speaker 2: winning a Roadblocks gift card and a kid winning then

996
00:46:48,801 --> 00:46:52,321
Speaker 2: to kill it. But yeah, that's actually very smart, yes,

997
00:46:52,721 --> 00:46:55,841
Speaker 2: But then also I didn't want to limit the donations

998
00:46:55,881 --> 00:46:59,041
Speaker 2: for those who can't be there. What I'm doing is

999
00:46:59,281 --> 00:47:01,961
Speaker 2: anybody who donates twenty dollars for every twenty dollars you

1000
00:47:02,001 --> 00:47:04,121
Speaker 2: donate via the links that's on my social media is

1001
00:47:04,161 --> 00:47:07,481
Speaker 2: straight to move. Then I will take your details in

1002
00:47:07,481 --> 00:47:09,841
Speaker 2: a pool of five hundred dollars worth the prizes that

1003
00:47:09,881 --> 00:47:11,561
Speaker 2: they can win. So that'll be drawn and they'll have

1004
00:47:11,601 --> 00:47:14,801
Speaker 2: seven days to collect. But then obviously there's a much

1005
00:47:14,841 --> 00:47:17,081
Speaker 2: bigger prize pool of cool stuff that you can actually

1006
00:47:17,241 --> 00:47:21,121
Speaker 2: so cool. Yeah, any brands listening, please reach out. So

1007
00:47:21,161 --> 00:47:25,241
Speaker 2: the instagram is GC Underscore Celebration of Life. I need

1008
00:47:25,281 --> 00:47:27,521
Speaker 2: people to book the tickets. So the tickets are via

1009
00:47:27,641 --> 00:47:30,960
Speaker 2: humanit Tics or would slash y mindset Matters or on

1010
00:47:31,201 --> 00:47:34,161
Speaker 2: the GC Underscore Celebration of Life page. You can find

1011
00:47:34,201 --> 00:47:36,481
Speaker 2: the link there. It's fifteen dollars for adult and then

1012
00:47:36,561 --> 00:47:38,921
Speaker 2: free for children. But I also put a free option

1013
00:47:39,361 --> 00:47:41,761
Speaker 2: that anybody can select, because I never want money to

1014
00:47:41,801 --> 00:47:43,281
Speaker 2: be the reason you miss out on something like this.

1015
00:47:43,641 --> 00:47:46,961
Speaker 2: The fifteen dollars was justice out donations. I don't really

1016
00:47:47,001 --> 00:47:49,321
Speaker 2: care about whether you take a free ticket or not.

1017
00:47:49,361 --> 00:47:50,561
Speaker 2: I just need to know numbers.

1018
00:47:50,721 --> 00:47:54,961
Speaker 1: Amazing, it'll be there, incredible, Thank you so much, thank

1019
00:47:55,001 --> 00:47:57,681
Speaker 1: your details now, description box, and we hope to have

1020
00:47:57,721 --> 00:47:58,121
Speaker 1: you on again.

1021
00:47:59,481 --> 00:48:01,681
Speaker 2: There's nothing I won't talk about. Everythink we covered that,

1022
00:48:01,801 --> 00:48:04,401
Speaker 2: but yeah, one hundred percent, I'll come many times. Yeah,

1023
00:48:04,401 --> 00:48:06,001
Speaker 2: that would be in my yeah for sure. Yeah.

1024
00:48:06,001 --> 00:48:08,281
Speaker 3: I think a really beautiful thing around, you know, with

1025
00:48:08,361 --> 00:48:10,521
Speaker 3: the birth thing and wanting somebody who's done it before.

1026
00:48:10,961 --> 00:48:12,801
Speaker 3: I think what you shared today is also a really

1027
00:48:12,841 --> 00:48:15,521
Speaker 3: beautiful reminder for anyone who has been through anything in

1028
00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,641
Speaker 3: life that you have been the person who has walked

1029
00:48:17,641 --> 00:48:18,121
Speaker 3: through the fire.

1030
00:48:18,241 --> 00:48:20,761
Speaker 2: When I was in this dark place in this last month,

1031
00:48:21,081 --> 00:48:23,921
Speaker 2: I sat with the realization that this is going to

1032
00:48:24,001 --> 00:48:27,521
Speaker 2: serve me so as uncomfortable as it is. I know

1033
00:48:27,761 --> 00:48:30,761
Speaker 2: from when I had kids and we go through difficult

1034
00:48:30,761 --> 00:48:33,361
Speaker 2: things and they thought one of them was down syndrome

1035
00:48:33,401 --> 00:48:35,641
Speaker 2: and we had amniocentesis and all these things that ended

1036
00:48:35,721 --> 00:48:37,081
Speaker 2: up clear, and I was like, why did I have

1037
00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:39,281
Speaker 2: to go through that? And then I'd stop the victim

1038
00:48:39,281 --> 00:48:41,161
Speaker 2: mentality and go, you know what. I don't know if

1039
00:48:41,201 --> 00:48:42,721
Speaker 2: it's when I'm a midwife, I don't know if it's

1040
00:48:42,761 --> 00:48:44,281
Speaker 2: my own daughters, but one day I'm going to have

1041
00:48:44,281 --> 00:48:46,281
Speaker 2: to support people through this. And being able to have

1042
00:48:46,361 --> 00:48:49,201
Speaker 2: walked in their shoes is so powerful. So I knew

1043
00:48:49,441 --> 00:48:51,641
Speaker 2: the benefit of that from my career, and so when

1044
00:48:51,641 --> 00:48:54,281
Speaker 2: I'm sitting in this darkness, I'm going, well, my whole

1045
00:48:54,321 --> 00:48:57,481
Speaker 2: intention with my future is to redefine myself, which I'm

1046
00:48:57,521 --> 00:49:00,481
Speaker 2: in the midst of as this resilience mindset coach and

1047
00:49:00,561 --> 00:49:03,241
Speaker 2: speaker and held retreats and do all of these powerful

1048
00:49:03,361 --> 00:49:05,721
Speaker 2: things and to be able to be a person who

1049
00:49:05,761 --> 00:49:09,081
Speaker 2: holds your hand in life, whether it is metaphorically or

1050
00:49:09,241 --> 00:49:13,401
Speaker 2: like actually physically, but to be there going no, No,

1051
00:49:13,481 --> 00:49:16,241
Speaker 2: you can one hundred percent come through this darkness. I

1052
00:49:16,321 --> 00:49:18,801
Speaker 2: know that, whether you're asking it in the back of

1053
00:49:18,841 --> 00:49:21,641
Speaker 2: your mind or you're not. The power of oh no,

1054
00:49:21,721 --> 00:49:25,401
Speaker 2: I've been there. I'm walking the walk and able to

1055
00:49:25,441 --> 00:49:28,081
Speaker 2: talk the talk because I've walked it, because I've sat

1056
00:49:28,121 --> 00:49:30,641
Speaker 2: in that darkness, and I've been to the depths of hell.

1057
00:49:30,721 --> 00:49:32,721
Speaker 2: I've had my hand on the doorway through which I

1058
00:49:32,801 --> 00:49:35,921
Speaker 2: was very capable of exiting this life. But I'm still

1059
00:49:35,921 --> 00:49:38,081
Speaker 2: here in it and defining myself as the happiest I've

1060
00:49:38,121 --> 00:49:39,881
Speaker 2: ever been. And I've got so many things in my

1061
00:49:39,961 --> 00:49:42,241
Speaker 2: tool belt to be able to help people. And I

1062
00:49:42,321 --> 00:49:44,801
Speaker 2: don't think that there is a better source of support

1063
00:49:44,841 --> 00:49:46,201
Speaker 2: than somebody who can say that.

1064
00:49:46,161 --> 00:49:49,841
Speaker 3: Oh, hands down, yeah, yeah, like an absolute mic drop,

1065
00:49:50,841 --> 00:49:53,881
Speaker 3: considering I've got a traumatic brain and I forget stuff

1066
00:49:53,961 --> 00:49:54,601
Speaker 3: you did.

1067
00:49:54,481 --> 00:49:58,881
Speaker 2: Good, Bin, Yeah.

1068
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Speaker 3: I just wanted to say everything that you've shared is

1069
00:50:01,041 --> 00:50:03,041
Speaker 3: just a piece of evidence of to remind anybody who's

1070
00:50:03,041 --> 00:50:05,041
Speaker 3: been through anything and who has sat in the darkness

1071
00:50:05,241 --> 00:50:07,641
Speaker 3: that if you can go through what you've been through

1072
00:50:07,681 --> 00:50:09,521
Speaker 3: and you can be the human that you are. It's

1073
00:50:09,561 --> 00:50:11,401
Speaker 3: possible for them too, And I think you only really

1074
00:50:11,441 --> 00:50:14,441
Speaker 3: need one person to be evidence to see that what

1075
00:50:14,481 --> 00:50:16,961
Speaker 3: you want for yourself is possible and you can actually

1076
00:50:17,001 --> 00:50:17,921
Speaker 3: come out of that grief.

1077
00:50:18,001 --> 00:50:20,361
Speaker 2: Yeah, so aspiring, absolutely incredible.

1078
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Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you, we'll sounds good Bye,