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Speaker 1: Appoche Production.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Secrets of the Underworld. I am Neil the

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Speaker 2: Muscle comments in.

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Speaker 3: This episode, I speak with Natasha Consili from bikini modeling

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Speaker 3: to million dollar drug busters.

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Speaker 1: It's really good at taking drugs and I've already gone

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Speaker 1: in jail for this, so i.

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Speaker 2: Can talk about openly.

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Speaker 1: That's true. In my head. I'm like, I'm going now,

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Speaker 1: I get booths, and then I'd have all this money

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Speaker 1: for friendship and I'd go on all the days. I'm

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Speaker 1: an old kang. So you know I don't do it anymore.

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Speaker 1: Then you moved in. There's other ways, a bit of

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Speaker 1: therapy and a bit of looking at yourself and healing

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Speaker 1: those things rather than trying to run away from emotion.

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Speaker 2: All right, so thank you for coming on.

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Speaker 3: I'm intrigue because this has been a long time in

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Speaker 3: the works because you know, you've had your little bracelet on.

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Speaker 2: You haven't been able to go anywhere. That's been removed.

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Speaker 2: I can have your show.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they kind of went. I asked, I did ask

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Speaker 1: community directions. Yeah, I send my for all officer and

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Speaker 1: email and I said, I've been asked to go on

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Speaker 1: a podcast and I would really like to do it.

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Speaker 1: And he goes to me, that sounds great, well podcasts.

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Speaker 1: So I told him, and then he went away and

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Speaker 1: he came back and he goes, really sorry, Tash, but

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to say no. Nothing was a lot

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Speaker 1: nothing to do with you, more to do with the

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Speaker 1: fact that when you're on home detention you can only

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Speaker 1: do things that you can do in prison. So and

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Speaker 1: also then there was the whole thing of what would

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Speaker 1: I say right, and then if I said something that

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Speaker 1: made them look bad, it would win shit. So I

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Speaker 1: just went, Okay, we'll have to wait. Then he goes, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I can say whatever I want now. Really

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Speaker 1: before I was being you know, I started that Instagram

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Speaker 1: and TikTok as a to share my story and to

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Speaker 1: it's not spoken about, you know, prison's not spoken about,

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Speaker 1: and women in prison and the media gets to have

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Speaker 1: the say when you get arrested, I can say whatever

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Speaker 1: the fuck they want, whether it's true or not, and

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Speaker 1: then you kind of just go and do your time.

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Speaker 1: And there's also no information about what happens the process.

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Speaker 1: It's fucking it's scary. And so I just went I

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Speaker 1: spoke to one of the caseworkers in prison, and she goes.

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Speaker 1: You do it, Tash, You're capable. A lot of women

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Speaker 1: that go to prison are not capable of speaking about

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Speaker 1: this story, right, They're in this cycle of addiction in

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Speaker 1: prison and whatever else in DV and all this stuff.

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Speaker 1: They don't have time. And I just went, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to share this. You know there's something to say about this.

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Speaker 1: And then you know, you popped up when I hey,

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Speaker 1: come and tell your story, and I'm like, yes, weit.

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Speaker 2: I just have to wait six months.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, well you got me right at the beginning.

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Speaker 2: She got released.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, literally, when I got out a week later, after

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Speaker 1: a couple of my posts, you send me your message.

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Speaker 1: I'm like this, dude's onto it.

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Speaker 2: I watched for everyone.

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Speaker 3: Anyway we get to I want you to tell me

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Speaker 3: about you before all this ship hit the fan, you

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Speaker 3: know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: Me?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, how far back are we going? Because you know

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Speaker 1: I've got fifty years under my bellant?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Well not sorry, but like you know, you can tell me.

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Speaker 3: You know how you grew up and if you if

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Speaker 3: you were going to go down that path, you know

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Speaker 3: that you did, or you were that nice little girl

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Speaker 3: that you know filled everybody.

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Speaker 1: All right, I don't know about fooling anybody.

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Speaker 2: But what did you grow up?

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Speaker 1: I grew up. I'm a child of the world. Really,

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Speaker 1: I was started at the beginning. I was born in Adelaide.

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Speaker 1: My father is Swiss. My mum was from Adelaide, from

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Speaker 1: a very from an Adelaide family, and my mum was

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Speaker 1: very much a hippie ish roun away from home. Met

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Speaker 1: my dad here in Sydney. He was in architecture, came

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Speaker 1: over on a boat that's twenty with his mates from

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Speaker 1: Switzerland just for something different, and mum was in art

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Speaker 1: school and dad was one of the architects that worked

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Speaker 1: on the Sydney Opera else they designed the glass, so yeah,

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Speaker 1: that was I think his second job here in his traveling. No,

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Speaker 1: I'm an only child. I do have a sister that

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Speaker 1: call sister, and I got two step brothers in Switzerland,

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Speaker 1: but born an early child. And then mum and dad

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Speaker 1: fled when I was about five, So had a really

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Speaker 1: great childhood, grandparents, really loving environment. Was probably a bit

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Speaker 1: spoilt to being the only child. And then they split.

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Speaker 1: Dad went back to Europe and Mum packed us up

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Speaker 1: and went We're going to go on trapeze around the

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Speaker 1: world together. So mom wanted to go to India. She

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Speaker 1: made jewelry. My mom was a golden silversmith, and we

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Speaker 1: spent a lot of time in India. Then we'd go

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Speaker 1: to Europe spend time with my dad. So I went

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Speaker 1: to lots of different schools in lots of different places.

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Speaker 1: So from the age of five to ten, that's kind

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Speaker 1: of what was how my life was. We'd come back

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Speaker 1: to Australia and she'd make more jewelry and then we'd

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Speaker 1: go and travel. So, you know, I was always a

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Speaker 1: new kid, always had to kind of fit in, and

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Speaker 1: it makes you really resilient to you know, I have

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Speaker 1: to learn a different language to be able to play

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Speaker 1: with the other kids. So I think he was a

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Speaker 1: great childhood. And then at the age of ten, my

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Speaker 1: mum died in an accident in India. She was hit by truck.

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Speaker 1: She was on a motorbike and she'd left me with

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Speaker 1: a friend at the time. So I survived her and

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Speaker 1: my dad had to come and get me, and I

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Speaker 1: moved from gypsy Land to Switzerland. And Switzerland is it's

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Speaker 1: a beautiful country, but it's very structured. People are very

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Speaker 1: very closed and yeah, my dad remarried, so I've got

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Speaker 1: two step brothers that older than me, whom I'm both

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Speaker 1: quite close with, And you know, Switzerland could have been

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Speaker 1: really good for me, but my stepmother and I did

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Speaker 1: not get along at all, so there was constant war

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Speaker 1: and I wasn't I was grown up for a ten

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Speaker 1: year old, and I didn't fit in at all. And

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Speaker 1: I had a teacher who was really kind of she

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Speaker 1: was cruel. She had her favorites and she had a

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Speaker 1: non favorite. So I was one of the non favorites.

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Speaker 1: So that integration into Switzerland didn't happen, and I always

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Speaker 1: kind of felt like I didn't belong. So I lost

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Speaker 1: my sense of belonging at an age ten as a teenager,

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Speaker 1: just so I spent until I was sixteen. I was

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Speaker 1: in Switzerland. Then I came back to Australia. My grandparents,

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Speaker 1: my mum's parents were over here, and my mom's best

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Speaker 1: friend who I now call my mom and her daughter

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Speaker 1: were here and they stayed in contact with me, So

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Speaker 1: that was where I more felt like I belonged. Then

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Speaker 1: I went back to Switzerland because Dad said, do you

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Speaker 1: have to come back, do an apprenticeship, do all that,

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Speaker 1: But I'd already gotten off the rails like I was

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Speaker 1: drinking and smoking dipeen, doing god knows what at sixteen,

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Speaker 1: and I rebelled hard and I hung out with you know,

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Speaker 1: Swiss gangs you want to call them, you know, the

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Speaker 1: spray painted and did graffiti and break dance and all

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Speaker 1: that kind of stuff. But that was crazy enough for Switzerland.

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Speaker 1: There was no violence or anything like that. But I

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Speaker 1: was rebel like, I just didn't I didn't want to

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Speaker 1: fit in. I didn't want to be part of society,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't like the world very much. You know,

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Speaker 1: losing your mom at age ten and there's no fucking

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Speaker 1: reason or rhyme for it. Yeah, it leaves its little damage.

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Speaker 1: And I never you know, they tried to send me

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Speaker 1: to Chilter colleges and all that, and I just went, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm fine, everything's good. Obviously I wasn't. There was a

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Speaker 1: big hole that was gaping. And then I kind of

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Speaker 1: started hanging out with DJs and party organizers and all

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Speaker 1: of that in Zurich in Switzerland and organized some big

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Speaker 1: parties myself. Then with that came all the drug dealers

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Speaker 1: and I made friends with him. Plus I was really

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Speaker 1: good at taking drugs, so one of my best friends

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Speaker 1: in Switzerland. He worked for big Farmer and he'd make

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Speaker 1: me my own amphetamines, so he'd bring me these big bags.

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Speaker 1: And already starting before there, I didn't just wake up one.

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Speaker 2: Day find on Google.

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Speaker 1: It's not Google. The core didn't know anything about this either, right,

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Speaker 1: obviously sorry, And there's you know who doesn't do a

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Speaker 1: little bit and aughty, shit, wow, and yeah, so that's

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Speaker 1: kind of where it went. And then I loved your

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Speaker 1: loved the party scene. Just I felt at home there.

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Speaker 1: And then at I finished my apprenticeship in a hotel

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Speaker 1: in Switzerland, and I went, I'm out of here. See

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Speaker 1: years later, I'm going to Australia. And so at twenty

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Speaker 1: I think I was twenty two, packed my bags off,

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Speaker 1: I went, you know, moved in with my my sister,

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Speaker 1: and so I started hanging out with my sister and

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Speaker 1: her friends. She was into bands and her and the

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Speaker 1: girls were an all girl band called Nightacross back then,

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Speaker 1: and so I'd hang out with those people. Thought I

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Speaker 1: was kind of this is not my jam, right, It's

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Speaker 1: really not. It's not my jam. I love he's all

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Speaker 1: you're all a bit crazy musicians, but it's not my thing. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: I met this guy and his sister was part of

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Speaker 1: Bad Girls Australia over in, so strippers yeah, and he goes,

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Speaker 1: why are you lingerie waitress, Tash? And I'm like, what

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Speaker 1: the fuck's Lentro waitressing? Right? Like what is that? And

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Speaker 1: he goes, well, you just put your underwear on, you

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Speaker 1: go walk around a pub and for a couple of

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Speaker 1: hours they tip your heaps and you get thirty five

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Speaker 1: dollars for lingerie, forty five dollars an hour for toplets.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, sign me up, fucking off. I went.

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Speaker 2: Fuck.

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Speaker 1: And then I started doing like the private parties and

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Speaker 1: Bucks parties and birthday parties and stuff. And I saw

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Speaker 1: a stripper for the first time and it was she

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Speaker 1: was fucking amazing. She had these legs up to here,

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Speaker 1: and I've just gone, I want to do what you're doing.

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Speaker 1: How do I do that? Right? Because the costumes in

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Speaker 1: everything and just the whole thing of showgirls. So I

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Speaker 1: went and made friends with her and then from there

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Speaker 1: it just rolled. I ended up touring for my first

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Speaker 1: time Tazzy with Fever Productions. Yeah, I stripped for ten years.

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Speaker 1: As they're on my phone phone back then in the

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Speaker 1: night Aunties right, there were no phones, right, I kind

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Speaker 1: of towards the end, like I stopped stripping in two

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Speaker 1: thousand and five around that, they're.

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Speaker 2: What the fuck you get this on the radar, haven't you?

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Speaker 2: Jesus Christ?

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Speaker 1: There's more to this?

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Speaker 3: I thought this would be an how it looks like there's.

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Speaker 1: A big story. So what I put online and what

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Speaker 1: I you know, there's there's a lot more. It's not.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't just oh God, I met some guy. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I didn't wake up one day and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: become a drug dealer Switzerland. I don't think I can

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Speaker 1: incriminate myself as years ago, can I? It's all allegedly,

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Speaker 1: Oh my god for and carry on?

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Speaker 2: Run on tour.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So I started on a touring with Fever Productions

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Speaker 1: and Jan had been their stripping world for years, so

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Speaker 1: she taught me how to dan. I could already dance,

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Speaker 1: so I don't dance on much at all, Yeah, pretty much,

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Speaker 1: and certain things. And then I too with some of

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Speaker 1: the best anyway, So I loved it. It was freedom,

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Speaker 1: you know. I could go to work whenever I fucking

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Speaker 1: wanted to, you know. The red carpet was rolled out

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Speaker 1: for us everywhere. So we'd go out on Oxford Street

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Speaker 1: and fucking in newcome girls, and I went out with

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Speaker 1: the girls that all were like, look at me, look

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Speaker 1: at me. I loved it because everyone gave them attention

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Speaker 1: and I got to sit back. I got all the

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Speaker 1: free drugs. Fucking great. So life was a bull. I

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Speaker 1: don't remember much of it, but I do remember a

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Speaker 1: little bit. Yeah, so with that territory obviously comes are

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Speaker 1: you some of the best shows that I went to

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Speaker 1: with bike shows. So with bikis and they're put on

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Speaker 1: their bike shows, you will looked after like no no

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Speaker 1: one else in a lot of clubhouses, laundress, wagressing and

235
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Speaker 1: then also stripping, very very respectful. I never had any problems.

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Speaker 1: I know there was girls that did, but at for me.

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Speaker 1: And this is no disrespect to the people who've been

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Speaker 1: done wrong by. If you show up and you demand respects,

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Speaker 1: you get respect. If you act like a fuck with, sorry,

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Speaker 1: and you're going to be treated like a fuck with.

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Speaker 1: Can't talk about how it is today. We're talking about

242
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Speaker 1: the nineties. Vikis as they were do not exist anymore.

243
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Speaker 1: That's quite simple. So this girl goes to me, have

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Speaker 1: you heard about the circuit in Darwin. Right, so in

245
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Speaker 1: the NT and I went, no, what do you do?

246
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Speaker 1: Because you got up there? You do six weeks, they

247
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Speaker 1: put you up in a house, they drive you everywhere.

248
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Speaker 1: Everything great, you make shit loads of money. And I went,

249
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Speaker 1: sam me up, I'll go to Darlin. So off to Darwen.

250
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Speaker 1: I went first round and absolutely fell in love with Darwen.

251
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Speaker 1: Just loved it. The club up there, the angels up

252
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Speaker 1: there kind of became like family. And in the end

253
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Speaker 1: I end up moving up to Darwin in two thousand

254
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Speaker 1: and something something. But then by then I was kind

255
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Speaker 1: of like, I'm turning thirty soon and I need to

256
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Speaker 1: stop stripping.

257
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Speaker 2: Right age made you stop?

258
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it was from watching other women stay too long,

259
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Speaker 1: and I was just like, that's not going to be me,

260
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Speaker 1: and there's no judgment. Each to their own. There were

261
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Speaker 1: some amazing women out there that's still yeah something like that.

262
00:13:17,401 --> 00:13:19,601
Speaker 1: Maybe not gravity. You can go and get a boob job,

263
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Speaker 1: you know. That's one thing that I was played around

264
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Speaker 1: with in my head. I'm like, I, now I get boobs,

265
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Speaker 1: and then I'd have all this money for a boob

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Speaker 1: job and I'd go on holidays. Fuck it, who needs

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Speaker 1: to go? I have surgery when you don't need to

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Speaker 1: have it, you know. So I finished up dancing and

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Speaker 1: I was living in the ant so in Northern Territory

270
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Speaker 1: in Darwin anyway, so I had enough of that. I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to be I wanted to sell my unit.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to get the fuck out of Darwin, and

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Speaker 1: so I went, I'm going to become a flight attendant.

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Speaker 1: I started off with Jetstar in Darwin, so we do

275
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Speaker 1: domestic and international. It was their first they set up

276
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Speaker 1: their base in Darwin and they were looking flight and

277
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Speaker 1: so I did that and started off flying just as

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Speaker 1: a cabin crew, then became a cabin manager and then

279
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Speaker 1: two years into it, I moved to the Gold Coast

280
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Speaker 1: as a cabin crew manager. And this is where.

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Speaker 3: Things just that's.

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Speaker 1: And I moved because my mom's my real mum's parents

283
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Speaker 1: had moved to the Gold Coast after my mom had

284
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Speaker 1: passed and bought a house up there. So my uncle

285
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Speaker 1: my grand was still there. My papa died and my

286
00:14:23,001 --> 00:14:24,601
Speaker 1: grandma was like, no, you're living with us. So I

287
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Speaker 1: moved into the house on the canal. Beautiful, great place

288
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Speaker 1: could come and go as I please. Do you know?

289
00:14:29,681 --> 00:14:33,401
Speaker 1: It had some really quality time with my grandmother during

290
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Speaker 1: that time. But I also found an old friend of

291
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Speaker 1: mine and she was We used to dance together and

292
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Speaker 1: we hadn't talked to each other for fucking years. She's like,

293
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Speaker 1: just you know, I need to move in somewhere. So

294
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Speaker 1: I moved in with her and next minute there's people

295
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Speaker 1: there all the time, partying and getting on it, and

296
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Speaker 1: I'm trying to I was trying to kind of be

297
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Speaker 1: really good and do this management position, and then I

298
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Speaker 1: figured out it's my first management job, right, didn't really

299
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Speaker 1: know what it was doing. It's kind of winging. It

300
00:14:59,641 --> 00:15:02,081
Speaker 1: felt like an impostor as well to a certain degree,

301
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Speaker 1: because here I am this trip of that came from

302
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Speaker 1: fucking nothing, and I'm running two hundred and forty crew

303
00:15:08,121 --> 00:15:10,001
Speaker 1: and telling them how to dress and get on time

304
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Speaker 1: and I can't even fucking be on time. So and

305
00:15:13,561 --> 00:15:15,921
Speaker 1: my manager, he was in Brisbane, and there just was

306
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Speaker 1: no support. And so, rather than any other normal person

307
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Speaker 1: would have gone, well, hello, I need support, I just went,

308
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Speaker 1: all the fuck is I'm just going to take the pieces.

309
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Speaker 1: So I went and got on it again. Just there

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Speaker 1: you know, that was my Yeah, yeah, I have a

311
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Speaker 1: good time, right, Okays, what anybody else is doing, And

312
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Speaker 1: so I went and got on it again, and I

313
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Speaker 1: basically for I don't know, about a year and a half,

314
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Speaker 1: it was just flying whilst flying right off. Yeah yeah yeah.

315
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Speaker 1: And towards the end foon, things started to decline, like

316
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Speaker 1: it became apparent that I didn't just have you know,

317
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Speaker 1: mental health issues, I had a drug fucking problem. And

318
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Speaker 1: then you went to exit, so I walked while and

319
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Speaker 1: when they did, I just passed it. Yeah wow, yeah.

320
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Speaker 3: You conserving the fucking teas and the drinks on the

321
00:16:07,961 --> 00:16:08,601
Speaker 3: down the aisle.

322
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Speaker 1: Jesus hell, I just I steal to this day and

323
00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:16,161
Speaker 1: you know, probably put my foot in it right now.

324
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Speaker 1: But surely most people that worked with me were like,

325
00:16:18,681 --> 00:16:21,921
Speaker 1: we would probably just go. Yeah, we knew that it

326
00:16:21,961 --> 00:16:25,761
Speaker 1: was clear like my my announcements, no one could understand them.

327
00:16:28,801 --> 00:16:30,481
Speaker 2: Went looking at you in a weird wait, like the

328
00:16:30,481 --> 00:16:31,361
Speaker 2: girls who were with you, like.

329
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Speaker 1: I don't care. I didn't care, right, care is about them?

330
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Speaker 1: I never really cared. I've never do, you know, I

331
00:16:38,121 --> 00:16:40,561
Speaker 1: I've never really cared what people think about me. Some

332
00:16:40,681 --> 00:16:44,881
Speaker 1: of my business, that's their problem, not.

333
00:16:46,361 --> 00:16:47,721
Speaker 2: We have a few faces. When you were doing this

334
00:16:48,521 --> 00:16:49,001
Speaker 2: the belt.

335
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,841
Speaker 1: I was doing the announcements morning ladies, and this is

336
00:16:51,841 --> 00:16:53,801
Speaker 1: what it would sound like, morning lady. No, no, no,

337
00:16:53,961 --> 00:16:57,481
Speaker 1: it's a flight number. But no one could and that's

338
00:16:57,521 --> 00:17:00,561
Speaker 1: when the complaints started. When I was doing that, and

339
00:17:00,601 --> 00:17:03,121
Speaker 1: sometimes I just locked myself in the toilet. I'm not

340
00:17:03,121 --> 00:17:07,241
Speaker 1: coming out, thinking it's what up? And after that, when

341
00:17:07,241 --> 00:17:11,160
Speaker 1: you gave up that, So I then decided that it

342
00:17:11,241 --> 00:17:14,001
Speaker 1: was time to go back to Switzerland.

343
00:17:15,241 --> 00:17:17,080
Speaker 2: Always off to Switzerland.

344
00:17:16,761 --> 00:17:19,441
Speaker 1: Yeah, but this time not just Switzerland. So I sold

345
00:17:19,441 --> 00:17:22,921
Speaker 1: my unit in Darwin, needed to cut tires with other

346
00:17:22,961 --> 00:17:25,121
Speaker 1: friend of mine, and there was some other stuff going

347
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:26,521
Speaker 1: on there. There was a bit of a revenge going

348
00:17:26,521 --> 00:17:28,920
Speaker 1: on there with my ex in Darwitt. So it's like,

349
00:17:28,961 --> 00:17:30,600
Speaker 1: I'm going to sell the unit and he was putting

350
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,801
Speaker 1: his hand out and I was just like, it's not appman.

351
00:17:33,201 --> 00:17:35,760
Speaker 1: So I just sucked off. I just disappeared. But before that,

352
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,400
Speaker 1: I made a good mess of a couple of friendships

353
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,880
Speaker 1: and lost, you know, some people in my life, which

354
00:17:43,041 --> 00:17:46,241
Speaker 1: you do when you're in that. It was self destructive mode.

355
00:17:46,561 --> 00:17:49,641
Speaker 1: It didn't really care, you know, I was flying other

356
00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:57,160
Speaker 1: stuff around Australia and allegedly and that's what you know,

357
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,080
Speaker 1: there was all these rumors that are in my friend's circle,

358
00:18:00,201 --> 00:18:02,200
Speaker 1: Like the whole time she was at jetsas was, you know,

359
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,041
Speaker 1: doing this for this and this, and I'm like, you

360
00:18:04,801 --> 00:18:07,961
Speaker 1: talk whatever you want. It's all just bullshit.

361
00:18:08,201 --> 00:18:08,360
Speaker 2: You know.

362
00:18:15,281 --> 00:18:19,521
Speaker 1: Some of it was because the story wasn't completely true, right,

363
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:22,961
Speaker 1: they had some room. They got it a bit wrong, right,

364
00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:24,281
Speaker 1: It wasn't for anybody else.

365
00:18:28,201 --> 00:18:30,920
Speaker 2: Oh so what happened when you're in Switzerland? What's going on?

366
00:18:31,001 --> 00:18:33,121
Speaker 1: So I sell them at the inn and I had

367
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,121
Speaker 1: all this money instead of a normal human being at

368
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,120
Speaker 1: forty go and invest your fucking money and get some returns.

369
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,401
Speaker 1: I was just like, I'm just going to go fly

370
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,880
Speaker 1: first class here and do this and live in Greece

371
00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,801
Speaker 1: for four weeks and four months, I think it was.

372
00:18:45,801 --> 00:18:48,840
Speaker 1: I lived in Greece for and just shopped and laid

373
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,161
Speaker 1: by the pool, and it was. I was mentally really

374
00:18:52,201 --> 00:18:55,481
Speaker 1: fucked at the time. And you know, this is hindsight speaking,

375
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:59,881
Speaker 1: because when you're in it, you don't know it. And

376
00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:02,720
Speaker 1: with all the substances that I'd consumed over the years

377
00:19:02,761 --> 00:19:05,961
Speaker 1: and what I'd done, you know, so other people don't

378
00:19:05,961 --> 00:19:08,640
Speaker 1: ever come back from it. So I'm not glorifying it.

379
00:19:08,761 --> 00:19:11,241
Speaker 1: Or anything. This is just this was my life, and

380
00:19:12,441 --> 00:19:16,200
Speaker 1: I don't suggest anyone to try it. There's other ways,

381
00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:18,960
Speaker 1: a bit of therapy and a bit of looking at

382
00:19:18,961 --> 00:19:21,361
Speaker 1: yourself and healing those things rather than trying to run

383
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:27,001
Speaker 1: away from emotion from behind it look no, not really

384
00:19:27,321 --> 00:19:31,561
Speaker 1: like because I was always somewhere else. So Dad is

385
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:34,201
Speaker 1: in Switzerland, Marian Ghanna, we're here. They kind of knew

386
00:19:34,681 --> 00:19:36,681
Speaker 1: they could tell. I had phone calls with me and

387
00:19:36,721 --> 00:19:38,041
Speaker 1: some of them just but they didn't.

388
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:39,521
Speaker 2: It was just that you were coming off the rails.

389
00:19:39,801 --> 00:19:41,761
Speaker 1: Yeah they did. But you know, I was one of

390
00:19:41,761 --> 00:19:44,281
Speaker 1: those people you couldn't say anything to. My dad said

391
00:19:44,281 --> 00:19:46,360
Speaker 1: when I turned when I was ten and came to Switzerland.

392
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,440
Speaker 1: He used to say to my stepmum, don't there's no

393
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,041
Speaker 1: point just going to do She's just going to do

394
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,121
Speaker 1: what she wants anyway, because I was that stubborn. And

395
00:19:54,321 --> 00:19:58,041
Speaker 1: you know, stubborness doesn't really get you very far in life.

396
00:19:58,041 --> 00:20:01,001
Speaker 1: It actually is self defeating in the end. And I was.

397
00:20:01,041 --> 00:20:02,880
Speaker 1: I was really stubborn, and I was in it until

398
00:20:02,921 --> 00:20:06,761
Speaker 1: I was ready. No one was going to tell me anything,

399
00:20:07,521 --> 00:20:10,080
Speaker 1: and I tried to. For me, it was really important

400
00:20:10,241 --> 00:20:12,240
Speaker 1: not to for it not to you know, have that

401
00:20:12,321 --> 00:20:14,961
Speaker 1: riffle effect on them, so I'd keep it really kind

402
00:20:14,961 --> 00:20:20,281
Speaker 1: of contained, well, I thought, to a degree, I did

403
00:20:20,961 --> 00:20:23,600
Speaker 1: like the extent of everything, Like, you know, we could

404
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,200
Speaker 1: be here for hours talking about it, but I'm not

405
00:20:25,241 --> 00:20:27,360
Speaker 1: going to and I didn't. It didn't really they just

406
00:20:27,441 --> 00:20:30,200
Speaker 1: knew that I wasn't okay, but they were just hoping

407
00:20:30,201 --> 00:20:33,400
Speaker 1: that I'm from my own way. My dad maybe saw

408
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,120
Speaker 1: when I came back from Greece and I went to

409
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,921
Speaker 1: Switzerland and I'm going, Dad, I'm just going to stay

410
00:20:37,961 --> 00:20:40,001
Speaker 1: here for a while. He's like, yeah, I think that's

411
00:20:40,001 --> 00:20:41,680
Speaker 1: a really good idea because I was going to go

412
00:20:41,721 --> 00:20:43,561
Speaker 1: to India and I haven't been back to India since

413
00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:46,441
Speaker 1: month passed over there, and I was going to go there,

414
00:20:46,481 --> 00:20:48,881
Speaker 1: and he just he looked at me, and the look

415
00:20:48,921 --> 00:20:51,001
Speaker 1: on my dad's face really like raddled me that day

416
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,841
Speaker 1: because he just goes, I think it's a really good

417
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,801
Speaker 1: idea of you stay here, and he's never been, you know,

418
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,720
Speaker 1: like that before. So I did. I stayed in Switzerland

419
00:20:59,761 --> 00:21:02,321
Speaker 1: and I rebuilt, so I had nothing because I spent

420
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:06,160
Speaker 1: it all. Can't live a millionaire if you don't have

421
00:21:06,481 --> 00:21:11,440
Speaker 1: a million. And I was like, Dad, I've got to

422
00:21:11,441 --> 00:21:13,080
Speaker 1: get a job. He's like, what are you going to do.

423
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,401
Speaker 1: I'm like I don't know, and I was like, I'm

424
00:21:15,481 --> 00:21:17,121
Speaker 1: just going to go and fly. So I've started looking

425
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,401
Speaker 1: at airlines in Switzerland and I got a I went

426
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,880
Speaker 1: through all the interviews. I've got references from over here

427
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:31,281
Speaker 1: from Jetstar, and yeah, yeah, I didn't do anything wrong,

428
00:21:31,961 --> 00:21:34,920
Speaker 1: Like I never I always showed up for work. I

429
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:37,840
Speaker 1: did my job. That's a bit messy sometimes, but you know,

430
00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:43,640
Speaker 1: it was mental illness and I didn't harm anyone. And

431
00:21:43,681 --> 00:21:45,561
Speaker 1: I was always like I was by the book. If

432
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,880
Speaker 1: you worked with me and you didn't work by the book,

433
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:53,201
Speaker 1: and I've got the ships. An airline is like military, there's.

434
00:21:53,561 --> 00:21:54,641
Speaker 2: Work the book for you.

435
00:21:54,681 --> 00:22:00,640
Speaker 1: But I did work by the wook. There was just

436
00:22:00,681 --> 00:22:05,401
Speaker 1: one thing that I was not doing. I learned that

437
00:22:05,721 --> 00:22:10,001
Speaker 1: from an X to as I say, not as I do, Right,

438
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,640
Speaker 1: that was that one. So and I I guess I

439
00:22:12,721 --> 00:22:13,600
Speaker 1: was a little bit like that.

440
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,121
Speaker 2: So tell me about what you went for a job

441
00:22:16,321 --> 00:22:16,600
Speaker 2: I did.

442
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:20,600
Speaker 1: I went for first, I worked for this insurance company

443
00:22:20,681 --> 00:22:22,561
Speaker 1: doing like cold calls for them to follow up with

444
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,041
Speaker 1: clients that they already had, and I hated it. I

445
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,201
Speaker 1: hated it so much. But instead of you know, going Towitzerland,

446
00:22:28,201 --> 00:22:31,041
Speaker 1: I'll be well, fucking cocaine over there as much better.

447
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,360
Speaker 1: So I was fucking storm cocaine every day, like I

448
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,960
Speaker 1: was self medicating. Still, I was on Xanax and I

449
00:22:36,001 --> 00:22:38,640
Speaker 1: was self medicating, and I was I was pretty messy.

450
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,801
Speaker 1: Things were not good like I was. There was nowhere

451
00:22:42,481 --> 00:22:44,681
Speaker 1: in the world that I was ready at that point

452
00:22:44,681 --> 00:22:49,280
Speaker 1: in time to face that maybe the change inside of

453
00:22:49,321 --> 00:22:52,521
Speaker 1: me needed to happen here, right, because not any place

454
00:22:52,521 --> 00:22:55,080
Speaker 1: in the world, no other person, no one else was

455
00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:57,721
Speaker 1: going to fix what was going on for me. And

456
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,400
Speaker 1: there was a little bit of me that swelt little

457
00:23:00,441 --> 00:23:02,280
Speaker 1: rat that always wanted someone else. I was like, if

458
00:23:02,321 --> 00:23:04,080
Speaker 1: I meet the next person and then everything's going to

459
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:05,801
Speaker 1: be fine, or if I have that job. You know,

460
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,400
Speaker 1: it's that real. It's kind of an addic behavior as

461
00:23:08,441 --> 00:23:11,960
Speaker 1: well in a way, and not wanting to take responsibility

462
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,921
Speaker 1: and doing the hard stuff. So I was still kind

463
00:23:14,921 --> 00:23:18,041
Speaker 1: of in denial about it, and you know, and I

464
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,081
Speaker 1: fell back in with my old friends, and a lot

465
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,720
Speaker 1: of my friends obviously in their forties, were married, had kids,

466
00:23:22,721 --> 00:23:25,080
Speaker 1: had moved on, so they had this whole world that

467
00:23:25,201 --> 00:23:27,561
Speaker 1: was going on, and I couldn't just slide back into it.

468
00:23:28,041 --> 00:23:31,080
Speaker 1: So instead of like making good, I started dating one

469
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,561
Speaker 1: of the married guys and fucking fucked up a really

470
00:23:33,561 --> 00:23:37,041
Speaker 1: long friendship by doing that, and you know, took no

471
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,441
Speaker 1: responsibility for it, just went, who cares, he's the fuck

472
00:23:40,481 --> 00:23:45,360
Speaker 1: with right, he's the one that's married, not me, you know,

473
00:23:45,801 --> 00:23:49,201
Speaker 1: just things like that where there was no regard for

474
00:23:49,321 --> 00:23:53,201
Speaker 1: anybody else in it. And I feel that, you know,

475
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:56,761
Speaker 1: if you want to have a good life, you need

476
00:23:56,761 --> 00:24:00,001
Speaker 1: to have some compassion and some kindness, and you've got

477
00:24:00,001 --> 00:24:04,561
Speaker 1: to have some boundaries around and some good values around

478
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,801
Speaker 1: who you want to be, how you want to interact

479
00:24:06,801 --> 00:24:08,600
Speaker 1: with the world, what's okay, and work out what you

480
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,680
Speaker 1: think is okay. Because on one hand, there was me going,

481
00:24:10,961 --> 00:24:14,721
Speaker 1: that's shit, why would you do that. That's somebody else's relationship.

482
00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:17,600
Speaker 1: Well I get involved, But then on the other hand,

483
00:24:18,001 --> 00:24:20,321
Speaker 1: when it actually comes down to it, there's no I

484
00:24:20,321 --> 00:24:26,601
Speaker 1: don't fucking care. I was lied to, so fuck them.

485
00:24:26,921 --> 00:24:29,241
Speaker 1: So yeah, I've got a job with the airlines and

486
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,961
Speaker 1: mess up a few friendships. But I worked really hard

487
00:24:33,001 --> 00:24:34,961
Speaker 1: over there with the airline, and I was still and

488
00:24:35,041 --> 00:24:37,760
Speaker 1: I stopped taking drugs for a while, and I was

489
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:41,241
Speaker 1: really really empty and unhappy and I hate I didn't

490
00:24:41,321 --> 00:24:43,241
Speaker 1: like the job, and it was a really good job.

491
00:24:43,321 --> 00:24:45,960
Speaker 1: Like you know, I had my English and German, so

492
00:24:46,041 --> 00:24:48,961
Speaker 1: that's mainly why I got the job was the duel,

493
00:24:49,001 --> 00:24:51,721
Speaker 1: and I had previous flying experience. I retrained on these

494
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,761
Speaker 1: aircraft and it was great. And I was thinking about

495
00:24:55,761 --> 00:24:58,160
Speaker 1: moving to Zurich instead of living in Basil with my dad.

496
00:24:59,281 --> 00:25:03,481
Speaker 1: That I just wasn't happy. So instead of working really

497
00:25:03,521 --> 00:25:07,840
Speaker 1: hard on myself there's a theme here Neil and doing

498
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,400
Speaker 1: the work and staying there and finding my feet, I

499
00:25:11,441 --> 00:25:13,321
Speaker 1: just said, ah, fuck it, I'm going back to Australia.

500
00:25:13,561 --> 00:25:15,840
Speaker 1: My grand's dying. I'm going to go and see her.

501
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 1: And the minute I got off the plane here, I

502
00:25:18,281 --> 00:25:21,121
Speaker 1: went straight to a friend's house and just went, let's

503
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,801
Speaker 1: get on it. And so then I just went, okay,

504
00:25:23,801 --> 00:25:25,960
Speaker 1: well I'm going to move back. So my time with

505
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,201
Speaker 1: Yelline was a two year contractors with my two years

506
00:25:28,241 --> 00:25:30,561
Speaker 1: and then I came back and I moved back to

507
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,481
Speaker 1: the Gold Coast, and this is where things got really dark.

508
00:25:33,561 --> 00:25:35,001
Speaker 1: So they kind of just went I'm just gonna live

509
00:25:35,041 --> 00:25:38,081
Speaker 1: on the door and get fucked up. I've done everything else,

510
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,960
Speaker 1: I've traveled the world, I've done this. So this was

511
00:25:40,001 --> 00:25:48,321
Speaker 1: my reasoning, right forty one two another, I don't want

512
00:25:48,321 --> 00:25:50,440
Speaker 1: a relationship. I'm never going to find anyone because I

513
00:25:50,481 --> 00:25:54,161
Speaker 1: keep choosing these people that are not it's you making

514
00:25:54,201 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 1: those choices, Tash. Anyway, so I needed to go wherever

515
00:25:57,481 --> 00:26:03,521
Speaker 1: I went and it got messy. Things were yeah, yeah,

516
00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:06,561
Speaker 1: it was pretty dark, got really messy, got involved with

517
00:26:06,561 --> 00:26:11,041
Speaker 1: the bloke who was you know before that, my my

518
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,801
Speaker 1: drug using was kind of like you go out, get

519
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,161
Speaker 1: on it, right, still get on it for a couple

520
00:26:16,201 --> 00:26:18,001
Speaker 1: of days, longer I'd get on it, and you know,

521
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,721
Speaker 1: you always had somewhere to live. This guy had full

522
00:26:20,721 --> 00:26:23,880
Speaker 1: blown addiction issues and I'm just going to call it.

523
00:26:23,921 --> 00:26:26,440
Speaker 1: He was a junkie, right, So that's the path that

524
00:26:26,481 --> 00:26:28,920
Speaker 1: I went down, and I went down it full on

525
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,000
Speaker 1: straight in there, and what I found at the end

526
00:26:34,041 --> 00:26:39,761
Speaker 1: of it was despair, right, And three years after being

527
00:26:39,801 --> 00:26:42,161
Speaker 1: with him, I kind of just went, I don't want

528
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,000
Speaker 1: this anymore. So I think what I was looking for

529
00:26:45,041 --> 00:26:47,360
Speaker 1: there was I didn't want to live anymore. That was

530
00:26:47,961 --> 00:26:49,561
Speaker 1: it wasn't a conscious like I'm going to go and

531
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:52,041
Speaker 1: jump off a bridge or it was like, literally, I

532
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,880
Speaker 1: have done everything, I'm done with this, so I'm just

533
00:26:54,921 --> 00:26:59,920
Speaker 1: going to slowly self destruct. And mental health comes into that.

534
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:04,321
Speaker 2: You know't what were you taking by now? Well you're

535
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:04,961
Speaker 2: taking ice then?

536
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:09,241
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, hardcore like hardcore like not smoking it anymore.

537
00:27:09,321 --> 00:27:15,600
Speaker 1: So yeah. And the the reality of that life was

538
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:20,160
Speaker 1: you'd live from shot to shot, right, And I was

539
00:27:20,201 --> 00:27:24,401
Speaker 1: really self destructive, so I'd spend hours, I'd fucking pick

540
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,641
Speaker 1: at my skin, and I was really unwell. My family here,

541
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,080
Speaker 1: like my mom's sister, My dad didn't really like. I'd

542
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,521
Speaker 1: bring him every now and again and go, Dad, I

543
00:27:32,561 --> 00:27:34,721
Speaker 1: need some money or something, and he'd go, oh, I

544
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,721
Speaker 1: know things aren't right, but what do I do? She's

545
00:27:37,761 --> 00:27:39,920
Speaker 1: either going to get through this or not. My sister

546
00:27:39,961 --> 00:27:42,720
Speaker 1: and I'm here, they both were like, I hope she

547
00:27:42,761 --> 00:27:44,600
Speaker 1: finds a way. You know, all we can do is

548
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,921
Speaker 1: just be here for her. So then old mate who

549
00:27:48,961 --> 00:27:50,880
Speaker 1: I was dating, who's full playing junkie, goes, you need

550
00:27:50,921 --> 00:27:53,521
Speaker 1: to get clean. You're going to You're going to die, right.

551
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:58,120
Speaker 1: I was like, and who fucking cares? So we moved

552
00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:02,360
Speaker 1: to Townsville and I got clean, and he just wouldn't right,

553
00:28:02,441 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 1: So he was telling me that I need to get clean.

554
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:08,321
Speaker 1: It was just this fuck can mess And it was

555
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,641
Speaker 1: almost like the most messiest human being that I've ever

556
00:28:11,721 --> 00:28:14,160
Speaker 1: been with was the one that just kept knocking on

557
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,281
Speaker 1: my door and ganteah, she need to change. Something needs

558
00:28:16,281 --> 00:28:19,401
Speaker 1: to change, and you need to change it. I'm like, well,

559
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,080
Speaker 1: you need to come with me, right. So I was

560
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,920
Speaker 1: still trying to make somebody else responsible for it. And

561
00:28:24,961 --> 00:28:29,801
Speaker 1: then one day I was sitting in fucking Benley, in

562
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:34,561
Speaker 1: this girl's house who I barely knew, who had stolen

563
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,360
Speaker 1: my handbag with all my jewelry in it, my fucking passports,

564
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,641
Speaker 1: my everything. She took everything of mine while I was

565
00:28:39,681 --> 00:28:42,961
Speaker 1: asleep on the couch without a blanket. And I woke

566
00:28:43,041 --> 00:28:45,520
Speaker 1: up and I sat there and I didn't even need

567
00:28:45,561 --> 00:28:48,241
Speaker 1: to look in the mirror. I just knew that this

568
00:28:48,321 --> 00:28:49,721
Speaker 1: is not where I wanted to be. And I looked

569
00:28:49,721 --> 00:28:51,361
Speaker 1: around me, and the night before there'd been all these

570
00:28:51,361 --> 00:28:53,761
Speaker 1: other people there, and I just these people don't have

571
00:28:54,361 --> 00:28:56,921
Speaker 1: a different life, and I don't belong here. What the

572
00:28:57,001 --> 00:29:00,121
Speaker 1: fuck am I doing? Wake up for yourself? So with

573
00:29:00,201 --> 00:29:03,081
Speaker 1: my two dollars fifty on my card that I still had.

574
00:29:03,321 --> 00:29:06,001
Speaker 1: I got on a fucking train home to my unit

575
00:29:06,041 --> 00:29:08,721
Speaker 1: with which I had with my eggs, and I sat

576
00:29:08,761 --> 00:29:11,881
Speaker 1: down and I went, I locked that. Actually I locked

577
00:29:11,881 --> 00:29:13,921
Speaker 1: myself in the bedroom. I didn't talk to him or

578
00:29:13,961 --> 00:29:17,801
Speaker 1: anything because we we'd punching on and all sorts of stuff.

579
00:29:17,841 --> 00:29:20,681
Speaker 1: So it was really bad. And I rang Mom here

580
00:29:20,881 --> 00:29:24,081
Speaker 1: and she's in She moved from Newtown to Wollongong ten

581
00:29:24,161 --> 00:29:26,161
Speaker 1: years ago, and I said, Mom, I've got to come home.

582
00:29:27,641 --> 00:29:29,841
Speaker 1: And for me, that was if I ever made the

583
00:29:29,921 --> 00:29:32,001
Speaker 1: choice to reach out to my family, that was it.

584
00:29:32,921 --> 00:29:35,921
Speaker 1: There's no going back, there's no half passing this shit.

585
00:29:36,481 --> 00:29:38,761
Speaker 1: You've got to fucking make a change. And I'm in

586
00:29:38,761 --> 00:29:42,281
Speaker 1: my late forties and I'm like, fucking what am I doing? Allright?

587
00:29:42,321 --> 00:29:44,961
Speaker 1: So I'm either going to die. I'm going to die

588
00:29:45,041 --> 00:29:48,361
Speaker 1: here doing this, and then I'm going to leave my

589
00:29:48,401 --> 00:29:53,081
Speaker 1: dad behind. Like all of a sudden, this the selfishness

590
00:29:53,081 --> 00:29:56,281
Speaker 1: that had masked all of this, something changed in me

591
00:29:56,361 --> 00:29:58,001
Speaker 1: and I went, I can't do that to my father.

592
00:29:58,081 --> 00:30:00,321
Speaker 1: He's lost two wives because my stepmom died as well.

593
00:30:01,001 --> 00:30:03,041
Speaker 1: You can't bury his daughter as well. I've got to

594
00:30:03,081 --> 00:30:06,200
Speaker 1: at least wait until he know. So I did and

595
00:30:06,241 --> 00:30:08,000
Speaker 1: I got on the next flight with my next doll

596
00:30:08,121 --> 00:30:12,001
Speaker 1: check and went to Rehap down in Wollongong. And I

597
00:30:12,041 --> 00:30:14,521
Speaker 1: didn't need to go to stop drugs because that wasn't

598
00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:17,361
Speaker 1: the fucking problem. I needed to go there to figure

599
00:30:17,361 --> 00:30:20,681
Speaker 1: out what the fuck made me keep choosing this stuff

600
00:30:20,721 --> 00:30:22,561
Speaker 1: and running away from myself, Like what was I so

601
00:30:22,601 --> 00:30:25,440
Speaker 1: fucking afraid of? And to be honest, I was afraid

602
00:30:25,441 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: of life, that life was going to disappoint me, and

603
00:30:28,441 --> 00:30:31,001
Speaker 1: that if I showed up and I did life, that

604
00:30:31,081 --> 00:30:32,841
Speaker 1: I was gonna, you know, it's gonna get taken away

605
00:30:32,881 --> 00:30:34,881
Speaker 1: from you again, that I was going to lose everything,

606
00:30:35,441 --> 00:30:38,001
Speaker 1: and that, you know, that easy option of wanting someone

607
00:30:38,041 --> 00:30:40,561
Speaker 1: else to fix you and fix what's going on inside

608
00:30:40,601 --> 00:30:43,201
Speaker 1: of you. It's it's not. It doesn't work that way.

609
00:30:43,761 --> 00:30:48,721
Speaker 1: I stopped taking drugs in March twenty nineteen. I moved

610
00:30:48,761 --> 00:30:51,641
Speaker 1: into my own place in Marilla, got a unit. I

611
00:30:51,721 --> 00:30:56,601
Speaker 1: had a job with shl Harbor City Council and yeah,

612
00:30:56,601 --> 00:30:59,561
Speaker 1: I make jewelry. My real mom who passed was Golden Silversmiths.

613
00:30:59,641 --> 00:31:01,881
Speaker 1: She left me all this stuff and I've carried that

614
00:31:02,001 --> 00:31:04,361
Speaker 1: around the whole of Australia and hear it with me

615
00:31:04,441 --> 00:31:06,960
Speaker 1: all these bits pieces and said, one day, I'm going

616
00:31:07,001 --> 00:31:09,921
Speaker 1: to make jewelry. So when I finally got clean, even

617
00:31:10,001 --> 00:31:11,841
Speaker 1: just before that, I started tinkering with it, but it

618
00:31:11,921 --> 00:31:14,641
Speaker 1: wasn't really and I set up in a month's garage

619
00:31:14,681 --> 00:31:16,961
Speaker 1: a little table and I really got into it. I

620
00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:22,321
Speaker 1: taught myself how to make stirling silver jewelry and I

621
00:31:22,401 --> 00:31:26,521
Speaker 1: love it. It's my creative outlet. I've always been quite creative,

622
00:31:26,641 --> 00:31:28,521
Speaker 1: and this was something that was missing, a part of

623
00:31:28,641 --> 00:31:30,440
Speaker 1: my puzzle that was missing. So it brought me a

624
00:31:30,481 --> 00:31:33,001
Speaker 1: lot of joy. Yes, So I'd done my hard work

625
00:31:33,161 --> 00:31:37,761
Speaker 1: and I'd met a friend and he was like, you

626
00:31:37,881 --> 00:31:41,601
Speaker 1: need to go to NA right, And he's actually a

627
00:31:41,681 --> 00:31:44,801
Speaker 1: mentor of mine. He's an amazing human being. And I

628
00:31:44,961 --> 00:31:47,361
Speaker 1: was like, okay, sure, because I was like, I don't

629
00:31:47,361 --> 00:31:49,401
Speaker 1: to fucking go sit with other people and going this

630
00:31:49,641 --> 00:31:52,321
Speaker 1: is what happened to me. I shouldn't mock it. It

631
00:31:52,481 --> 00:31:55,881
Speaker 1: fucking works for people. It keeps people clean for many years.

632
00:31:56,641 --> 00:31:58,561
Speaker 1: But that's how I felt about it. Right, I was

633
00:31:58,721 --> 00:32:01,441
Speaker 1: kind of and I was, I don't know, I kind

634
00:32:01,481 --> 00:32:04,521
Speaker 1: of didn't feel like I belonged again. My story was different.

635
00:32:04,961 --> 00:32:07,321
Speaker 1: I did. I went because I decided when I got

636
00:32:07,401 --> 00:32:09,681
Speaker 1: clean that I would do everything that My initial is

637
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:11,561
Speaker 1: I don't want to do that, go and do it

638
00:32:11,721 --> 00:32:15,321
Speaker 1: Tash just once. So I did, and that's where I

639
00:32:15,401 --> 00:32:20,281
Speaker 1: met mat. Yeah, but did he get you back on it?

640
00:32:20,841 --> 00:32:20,881
Speaker 2: No?

641
00:32:21,441 --> 00:32:23,441
Speaker 1: No, No, we both weren't using at all. He can't use.

642
00:32:24,881 --> 00:32:25,481
Speaker 1: He has one dream.

643
00:32:26,001 --> 00:32:28,081
Speaker 2: So he just had this idea that no, no.

644
00:32:30,721 --> 00:32:33,921
Speaker 1: He's an old he's been in jail before anyway, it's

645
00:32:33,921 --> 00:32:37,521
Speaker 1: not really his story, but yeah, that's his whole life story.

646
00:32:38,441 --> 00:32:40,440
Speaker 1: But he goes to me, I'm an old gangster, you know,

647
00:32:40,481 --> 00:32:46,561
Speaker 1: I don't do it anymore. Then he moved in. He

648
00:32:46,681 --> 00:32:48,081
Speaker 1: moved in. I was like, oh my god, this is

649
00:32:48,161 --> 00:32:51,481
Speaker 1: so going to work. And you know, the relationship itself,

650
00:32:52,121 --> 00:32:55,961
Speaker 1: and there was so much healing for me with He

651
00:32:56,161 --> 00:32:58,361
Speaker 1: was the kindest guy in the world. It was just

652
00:32:58,441 --> 00:33:03,561
Speaker 1: a fucking good bloke in here. And the men that

653
00:33:03,641 --> 00:33:06,081
Speaker 1: I dated before they were all really destructive. They wanted

654
00:33:06,121 --> 00:33:07,921
Speaker 1: to control me, and there was all this kind of stuff.

655
00:33:08,201 --> 00:33:10,001
Speaker 1: You know, I'm not saying I was miss goody two

656
00:33:10,001 --> 00:33:12,601
Speaker 1: shoes at oh, I was a fucking mess. He didn't

657
00:33:12,641 --> 00:33:14,281
Speaker 1: do any of that, and it gave me some real

658
00:33:14,361 --> 00:33:16,241
Speaker 1: space with this new clarity and all these things that

659
00:33:16,241 --> 00:33:18,520
Speaker 1: I'd learned about relationships and how because I sat down

660
00:33:18,561 --> 00:33:19,881
Speaker 1: and I worked out, this is what I want my

661
00:33:19,961 --> 00:33:22,161
Speaker 1: relationship to look like. This is how I want to

662
00:33:22,201 --> 00:33:24,641
Speaker 1: show up in this relationship. These are the boundaries I'm

663
00:33:24,641 --> 00:33:26,881
Speaker 1: going to set. These are the conversations I want to have.

664
00:33:27,361 --> 00:33:29,081
Speaker 1: And I had that with him for a year. I

665
00:33:29,121 --> 00:33:31,161
Speaker 1: could do that with him and it was great. So

666
00:33:31,721 --> 00:33:33,841
Speaker 1: you know, in a way I can say he brought

667
00:33:33,881 --> 00:33:36,001
Speaker 1: this other thing to my life that fucking made me

668
00:33:36,081 --> 00:33:39,281
Speaker 1: wear green. But that's not his fault. That's what he

669
00:33:39,401 --> 00:33:42,441
Speaker 1: was going to do. Anyway, I should have just gone, Nah,

670
00:33:42,601 --> 00:33:45,281
Speaker 1: that's a fucking big red flag. How about you move out?

671
00:33:45,561 --> 00:33:48,601
Speaker 1: Thank you very much for coming. But no I didn't. Again,

672
00:33:48,641 --> 00:33:51,121
Speaker 1: the little girl made a decision because you know, you

673
00:33:51,201 --> 00:33:55,361
Speaker 1: don't just heal overnight. You don't undo almost fifty.

674
00:33:55,161 --> 00:33:58,761
Speaker 2: Years as a way that you know, fucking make a

675
00:33:58,841 --> 00:34:01,281
Speaker 2: lot of money here, fucking oarth. I could go, my

676
00:34:01,361 --> 00:34:02,761
Speaker 2: life could get back to how it used to be.

677
00:34:02,961 --> 00:34:06,361
Speaker 1: Well it could. It'll for my future. I set up.

678
00:34:06,441 --> 00:34:08,841
Speaker 1: There's my superinnovation. There's my fucking house that I'm going

679
00:34:08,881 --> 00:34:10,440
Speaker 1: to live in. Do you know what I mean? So

680
00:34:10,681 --> 00:34:12,120
Speaker 1: you know, I'd lie if I said it was about

681
00:34:12,161 --> 00:34:14,081
Speaker 1: anything else other than the money. And that's all it

682
00:34:14,241 --> 00:34:17,921
Speaker 1: was about. You know, they have me on tape, fucking gone,

683
00:34:17,921 --> 00:34:21,881
Speaker 1: I'm miscounting the money. They played it in. Whatever it was, Yeah,

684
00:34:22,081 --> 00:34:27,001
Speaker 1: it was one of the things. Look, we moved in together,

685
00:34:27,081 --> 00:34:29,641
Speaker 1: and I kind of like had just gone, yeah, I

686
00:34:29,641 --> 00:34:31,801
Speaker 1: think you're still doing a little bit of bizo over there,

687
00:34:31,841 --> 00:34:34,521
Speaker 1: and I don't judge it. I don't care. And then

688
00:34:34,561 --> 00:34:36,921
Speaker 1: it was just pot so it's just green, and I'm like,

689
00:34:37,001 --> 00:34:40,681
Speaker 1: that's sweet, okay with that fucking you know it's going

690
00:34:40,721 --> 00:34:45,321
Speaker 1: to be legalized soon. Who cares. And then it was more,

691
00:34:45,601 --> 00:34:47,321
Speaker 1: and then it became more and more and more, and

692
00:34:47,401 --> 00:34:49,721
Speaker 1: I was kind of like, we sat down and we

693
00:34:49,841 --> 00:34:52,201
Speaker 1: had a discussion about it, and I've already gone to

694
00:34:52,281 --> 00:34:53,961
Speaker 1: jail for this, so I can talk about it openly

695
00:34:54,001 --> 00:34:56,561
Speaker 1: if I want to. We had a discussion about it,

696
00:34:56,601 --> 00:35:00,281
Speaker 1: and I said, okay, but you get this time because

697
00:35:00,281 --> 00:35:02,361
Speaker 1: you had coin that was a lot. We needed money,

698
00:35:02,561 --> 00:35:04,241
Speaker 1: and I was working, I had my phone, so on

699
00:35:04,321 --> 00:35:08,601
Speaker 1: my little mission, we didn't need anymore. But he wanted

700
00:35:08,641 --> 00:35:11,201
Speaker 1: to achieve something that was his goal. I went, okay,

701
00:35:11,241 --> 00:35:14,721
Speaker 1: well you got this time frame, and these are some

702
00:35:14,801 --> 00:35:16,641
Speaker 1: of the boundaries and the rules, Like let's have a

703
00:35:16,681 --> 00:35:18,641
Speaker 1: look at my track record, let's have a look at yours.

704
00:35:18,961 --> 00:35:21,321
Speaker 1: I think mine's a little bit better. Maybe some direction

705
00:35:21,441 --> 00:35:24,201
Speaker 1: from me might help. Didn't listen just when he did

706
00:35:24,241 --> 00:35:26,481
Speaker 1: what he did, and the next minute, I'm in handcuffs.

707
00:35:27,441 --> 00:35:30,401
Speaker 2: Fuck, what did they get you for?

708
00:35:30,721 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 1: They got me for annoyingly dealing with the proceeds of crime.

709
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:36,361
Speaker 1: So we had almost a million dollars in cash in

710
00:35:36,401 --> 00:35:39,481
Speaker 1: a story shed, which they put We were under investigation

711
00:35:39,601 --> 00:35:43,161
Speaker 1: for four to five months. The reason why they actually

712
00:35:43,841 --> 00:35:48,201
Speaker 1: even found us before we wrapped it up, or before

713
00:35:48,241 --> 00:35:51,201
Speaker 1: he wrapped it up, I should say we, I'm saying we. No,

714
00:35:51,561 --> 00:35:55,721
Speaker 1: I didn't have that much standard was a mate of

715
00:35:55,801 --> 00:36:00,440
Speaker 1: his who he connected with, was under full floats investigation,

716
00:36:00,641 --> 00:36:04,241
Speaker 1: so they were following him. I dropped off to that guy,

717
00:36:05,961 --> 00:36:08,241
Speaker 1: and so I got also done for. I think it's

718
00:36:08,281 --> 00:36:10,721
Speaker 1: like four or five counts of commercial supply as well.

719
00:36:11,401 --> 00:36:13,561
Speaker 2: Would you would you were you the driver or the

720
00:36:13,641 --> 00:36:15,001
Speaker 2: drop off person, or would you? No?

721
00:36:15,121 --> 00:36:17,361
Speaker 1: I just look whenever he wasn't around, when he was

722
00:36:17,401 --> 00:36:19,881
Speaker 1: doing something else here in the beginning, I said no.

723
00:36:20,921 --> 00:36:22,681
Speaker 1: So this is like a graduate thing. I'm like, I'm

724
00:36:22,921 --> 00:36:24,801
Speaker 1: no fucking way am I having anything to do with this.

725
00:36:25,441 --> 00:36:28,561
Speaker 1: I'll fucking count the money. Have you to count the

726
00:36:28,601 --> 00:36:30,841
Speaker 1: money and make sure that it's all good, But I

727
00:36:30,881 --> 00:36:33,481
Speaker 1: don't want to fucking And then it was kind of please,

728
00:36:33,521 --> 00:36:37,001
Speaker 1: I'm not there, can you please? So when? And then

729
00:36:37,041 --> 00:36:39,601
Speaker 1: that one time became you know, the next time, and

730
00:36:39,681 --> 00:36:42,321
Speaker 1: the next time, I don't really fucking I did care,

731
00:36:42,441 --> 00:36:45,520
Speaker 1: but I didn't care. There was this, It was this real.

732
00:36:45,721 --> 00:36:48,521
Speaker 1: It was it was almost like the universe needed to

733
00:36:48,641 --> 00:36:52,721
Speaker 1: go cash. You haven't learned anything. You got to make

734
00:36:52,761 --> 00:36:55,361
Speaker 1: a choice here, So you can't sit on the fence

735
00:36:55,401 --> 00:36:57,161
Speaker 1: with this stuff. You're either a criminal or you're not.

736
00:36:57,801 --> 00:37:00,801
Speaker 1: And I wasn't. I am now apparently by the law,

737
00:37:01,281 --> 00:37:04,521
Speaker 1: but no, not really. I've always kind of danced around that.

738
00:37:04,601 --> 00:37:05,761
Speaker 1: So this is not what I wanted to do. I

739
00:37:05,761 --> 00:37:07,561
Speaker 1: don't want to be a career criminal. Fuck that. Not

740
00:37:07,641 --> 00:37:14,001
Speaker 1: at fifty not ever. Yeah, and I I truly at

741
00:37:14,001 --> 00:37:14,881
Speaker 1: the end of the day.

742
00:37:15,161 --> 00:37:16,440
Speaker 2: Was like, you're still clean.

743
00:37:17,041 --> 00:37:21,881
Speaker 1: Yeah, now I've been cleaned for over five years almost

744
00:37:21,881 --> 00:37:24,441
Speaker 1: five years, yeah, over five years now?

745
00:37:24,761 --> 00:37:27,161
Speaker 2: So what was the dowbtfall? What could you caught? Because

746
00:37:27,401 --> 00:37:27,761
Speaker 2: they were the.

747
00:37:27,801 --> 00:37:31,561
Speaker 1: Guy was under investigation. Yeah, so they were monitoring him.

748
00:37:32,841 --> 00:37:35,041
Speaker 1: We had Bizo with him. They had like the brief

749
00:37:35,121 --> 00:37:37,440
Speaker 1: is this fucking beak. They've got all the phone calls

750
00:37:37,481 --> 00:37:39,641
Speaker 1: between the two boys, and I answered the phone a

751
00:37:39,681 --> 00:37:42,521
Speaker 1: couple of times, so there's that as well. So they

752
00:37:42,641 --> 00:37:44,601
Speaker 1: then then they was a full task force. So they

753
00:37:44,641 --> 00:37:46,881
Speaker 1: put together a second task force which then monitored us

754
00:37:46,921 --> 00:37:50,121
Speaker 1: because they saw Bess his name. Sorry, yeah, they saw

755
00:37:50,121 --> 00:37:54,241
Speaker 1: bear his name and fucking light up, light up because

756
00:37:54,361 --> 00:37:55,961
Speaker 1: and he was still in parole for his last lot.

757
00:37:56,281 --> 00:38:03,241
Speaker 1: They then put truckers, cameras, listening devices both cars, storage

758
00:38:03,241 --> 00:38:06,881
Speaker 1: shed wherever else and they tapped all the phones.

759
00:38:07,721 --> 00:38:10,561
Speaker 2: So what were you caught with? You said? The million dollars?

760
00:38:10,761 --> 00:38:13,721
Speaker 1: Yeah, so almost a million in cash and three pounds apart.

761
00:38:14,401 --> 00:38:15,841
Speaker 2: And what was the sentencings that you got for that?

762
00:38:16,561 --> 00:38:20,761
Speaker 1: So I went to I got two and a half, no,

763
00:38:20,961 --> 00:38:23,601
Speaker 1: two years six months on the top and I had

764
00:38:23,641 --> 00:38:26,441
Speaker 1: to serve fifteen months incarcerated, so no parole.

765
00:38:26,681 --> 00:38:27,281
Speaker 2: What did he get?

766
00:38:28,641 --> 00:38:32,481
Speaker 1: He got ten years six months on the top with

767
00:38:32,801 --> 00:38:35,721
Speaker 1: six years and ten months to serve and a lot

768
00:38:35,841 --> 00:38:38,881
Speaker 1: later than me like I did. I was on home

769
00:38:38,921 --> 00:38:42,801
Speaker 1: detention when he got sentenced, okay, and he's been locked

770
00:38:42,801 --> 00:38:45,961
Speaker 1: off the whole time. I never swam again. So we

771
00:38:46,081 --> 00:38:48,921
Speaker 1: got arrested that day on the sixteenth of December.

772
00:38:49,561 --> 00:38:52,721
Speaker 2: Twenty even court dates or nothing like that.

773
00:38:52,881 --> 00:38:55,241
Speaker 1: Never, No, our court days weren't together.

774
00:38:55,601 --> 00:38:57,361
Speaker 2: What was that feeling when you when you when all

775
00:38:57,401 --> 00:38:59,521
Speaker 2: that shit went the famine, you knew that you were

776
00:38:59,561 --> 00:39:01,241
Speaker 2: going inside. How'd you feel then?

777
00:39:02,001 --> 00:39:06,881
Speaker 1: Look, I wasn't, So I was more worried about the

778
00:39:07,201 --> 00:39:10,481
Speaker 1: Were you ready for it? Yeah? This time around, like

779
00:39:10,561 --> 00:39:12,361
Speaker 1: I was more concerned the impact it was having on

780
00:39:12,441 --> 00:39:15,441
Speaker 1: those that I love. Right, Because I can do anything.

781
00:39:15,641 --> 00:39:17,721
Speaker 1: I've done it so much in my life, and it's

782
00:39:17,801 --> 00:39:20,561
Speaker 1: just another playground and another new new school. Let you

783
00:39:20,641 --> 00:39:22,801
Speaker 1: go to right kind of prison. It's the same as

784
00:39:23,321 --> 00:39:25,601
Speaker 1: being a kid and being shuffled around the world. I

785
00:39:25,641 --> 00:39:27,881
Speaker 1: can play in any playground and I could sive anything,

786
00:39:28,761 --> 00:39:31,281
Speaker 1: and if I don't, that's okay. So that's how I

787
00:39:31,401 --> 00:39:34,481
Speaker 1: felt about it, And you know, also making that choice

788
00:39:34,481 --> 00:39:36,921
Speaker 1: to get involved with him, I made my peace. This

789
00:39:37,081 --> 00:39:40,041
Speaker 1: could go wrong and the consequences of this are going

790
00:39:40,081 --> 00:39:42,841
Speaker 1: to be bigger than anything else. Right, They're not just small.

791
00:39:42,841 --> 00:39:46,321
Speaker 1: It's we're not just fucking some fucking bagodobe. But I

792
00:39:46,441 --> 00:39:48,721
Speaker 1: was prepared. I didn't know about the process of court

793
00:39:48,801 --> 00:39:51,801
Speaker 1: and stuff. So that was really fucking like. You get

794
00:39:51,881 --> 00:39:56,641
Speaker 1: arrested and then what happens next? Right, you get released

795
00:39:56,681 --> 00:39:59,081
Speaker 1: on bail? What's next? Oh, you go to court appearance

796
00:39:59,121 --> 00:40:02,161
Speaker 1: in a month. Nothing happens at that first court appearance.

797
00:40:02,201 --> 00:40:03,841
Speaker 1: It goes on and on and on, and every month

798
00:40:03,881 --> 00:40:06,601
Speaker 1: there's a court appearance schedule, but nothing happens. No one

799
00:40:06,681 --> 00:40:09,561
Speaker 1: tells you that. So then I spoke to my lawyer,

800
00:40:09,641 --> 00:40:11,721
Speaker 1: and I reached out some other people, and I spoke

801
00:40:11,801 --> 00:40:13,721
Speaker 1: to you. I went to inform myself, but not many

802
00:40:13,761 --> 00:40:16,161
Speaker 1: people can do that, and I got some a good

803
00:40:16,241 --> 00:40:18,921
Speaker 1: idea around what was going to happen. I took to

804
00:40:18,961 --> 00:40:20,881
Speaker 1: a couple of other lawyers that wanted to represent me,

805
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:24,881
Speaker 1: but I stayed with a friend of ours who's a lawyer.

806
00:40:24,961 --> 00:40:29,641
Speaker 2: And it served me, well, what was what was it

807
00:40:29,801 --> 00:40:34,321
Speaker 2: like the day at call and you're getting taken away?

808
00:40:36,321 --> 00:40:37,521
Speaker 2: What the fuck is gone for your head?

809
00:40:37,521 --> 00:40:37,641
Speaker 1: Then?

810
00:40:37,681 --> 00:40:39,321
Speaker 2: Like, I know you said that it is what it is,

811
00:40:39,361 --> 00:40:41,161
Speaker 2: and you know I take it on the chin, But

812
00:40:42,161 --> 00:40:43,161
Speaker 2: was any one I caught with your other?

813
00:40:43,321 --> 00:40:48,641
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, the whole thing is really surreal, right, all

814
00:40:48,681 --> 00:40:52,801
Speaker 1: of it. It really is so sixteen months on bail, gradually,

815
00:40:52,961 --> 00:40:55,841
Speaker 1: like at first I couldn't go anywhere without mum, right

816
00:40:56,161 --> 00:40:58,161
Speaker 1: had to be, could not leave the house without her.

817
00:40:58,481 --> 00:40:59,961
Speaker 1: You don't have an ankle present on, but you may

818
00:41:00,001 --> 00:41:03,161
Speaker 1: as well. And then gradually we changed those conditions. Towards

819
00:41:03,201 --> 00:41:05,401
Speaker 1: the end, I was I was going out my own

820
00:41:05,481 --> 00:41:07,161
Speaker 1: during the day and just had curfew at night. I

821
00:41:07,241 --> 00:41:09,721
Speaker 1: did a counseling diploma whilst I was on bail, so

822
00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,841
Speaker 1: I completed that. I didn't just sit around and fucking

823
00:41:11,881 --> 00:41:14,681
Speaker 1: put on my hair. I made lots of jewelry, and

824
00:41:14,921 --> 00:41:20,241
Speaker 1: I really worked hard on myself and tried to help

825
00:41:20,321 --> 00:41:24,161
Speaker 1: my manage her emotions around it. Because it rattled my

826
00:41:24,241 --> 00:41:27,041
Speaker 1: family really big time. They came to court with me,

827
00:41:27,161 --> 00:41:31,281
Speaker 1: so my mentor, John, mom, my sister, and my sister's partner.

828
00:41:31,321 --> 00:41:33,921
Speaker 1: They came to court with me that day. I knew

829
00:41:34,081 --> 00:41:36,441
Speaker 1: that morning I woke up and I'd already known for

830
00:41:36,481 --> 00:41:38,440
Speaker 1: about a month. I knew I was going to prison.

831
00:41:38,601 --> 00:41:40,601
Speaker 1: I just did just knew it in my heart. I

832
00:41:40,721 --> 00:41:43,161
Speaker 1: was like, there is no way in hell that and

833
00:41:43,281 --> 00:41:46,681
Speaker 1: everybody else was kind of hopeful and even embarrassed and

834
00:41:46,721 --> 00:41:49,761
Speaker 1: all that I'm going to prison. So I was prepared.

835
00:41:50,121 --> 00:41:53,761
Speaker 1: Took my little lunch bag with my money, a bit

836
00:41:53,801 --> 00:41:56,121
Speaker 1: of money in at my reading glasses because I'm fucking

837
00:41:56,161 --> 00:41:59,681
Speaker 1: blind these days. And I could tell that the judge

838
00:41:59,761 --> 00:42:01,681
Speaker 1: was really kind of conflicted. He didn't want to send

839
00:42:01,721 --> 00:42:04,921
Speaker 1: me to prison, but because the money and the amount

840
00:42:04,921 --> 00:42:08,041
Speaker 1: of it goes under money laundering laws and they're quite severe,

841
00:42:08,321 --> 00:42:11,161
Speaker 1: even though it's not money laundering, knowingly jailing with it. Yeah,

842
00:42:11,601 --> 00:42:13,641
Speaker 1: and he was really like, I could tell. So he goes,

843
00:42:13,681 --> 00:42:15,601
Speaker 1: I'm going to have a little break and I'll come back,

844
00:42:15,641 --> 00:42:19,041
Speaker 1: and I'm like I'm having to melt down out the front,

845
00:42:19,041 --> 00:42:21,561
Speaker 1: and everyone's like, oh, everyone was a bit antsy. And

846
00:42:21,721 --> 00:42:25,081
Speaker 1: then he comes back and he goes, even though dah

847
00:42:25,161 --> 00:42:27,281
Speaker 1: dah dah, with your history and everything that you've done

848
00:42:27,321 --> 00:42:29,601
Speaker 1: and all that you're doing to show that you you know,

849
00:42:30,321 --> 00:42:32,841
Speaker 1: he said. I think he said, I feel like it's

850
00:42:34,121 --> 00:42:36,681
Speaker 1: I need to because of the severity of these and

851
00:42:36,801 --> 00:42:39,561
Speaker 1: the laws wrapped around it. And he goes, so to

852
00:42:39,721 --> 00:42:46,561
Speaker 1: fifteen months in prison. I'm like, what fifteen months. I'm like, Okay,

853
00:42:46,921 --> 00:42:48,921
Speaker 1: here we go, and I've just turned around and there's

854
00:42:49,001 --> 00:42:51,161
Speaker 1: the you know, the bailiffs with their fucking handcuffs, and

855
00:42:51,241 --> 00:42:52,961
Speaker 1: I would turn around and I've looked at Mom and

856
00:42:53,041 --> 00:42:57,201
Speaker 1: she's falling her eyes out, and my fucking heart dropped

857
00:42:57,841 --> 00:43:01,681
Speaker 1: shattered that I'm the cause of this. No one else,

858
00:43:02,041 --> 00:43:05,601
Speaker 1: the choice that I made has created this. Nobody else,

859
00:43:05,801 --> 00:43:09,321
Speaker 1: not him, not my history, not anything. I made that

860
00:43:09,441 --> 00:43:12,681
Speaker 1: decision to be involved in that, and this is what

861
00:43:13,001 --> 00:43:18,401
Speaker 1: is now the consequence. What shit, It's just shit. There's

862
00:43:18,441 --> 00:43:20,601
Speaker 1: another story around what I got arrested in those cells

863
00:43:20,641 --> 00:43:24,041
Speaker 1: down there with another girl. It's so funny. I'm down

864
00:43:24,121 --> 00:43:25,761
Speaker 1: there and I'm like, so, what happens? Do I stay

865
00:43:25,801 --> 00:43:27,241
Speaker 1: here the night or am I getting it? And they

866
00:43:27,281 --> 00:43:28,961
Speaker 1: go You're going straight on a truck and I was

867
00:43:29,041 --> 00:43:31,721
Speaker 1: on my own, so I'm in to get the handcuffs on.

868
00:43:32,361 --> 00:43:34,841
Speaker 1: They put me in the truck. I'm in this with them, freezing,

869
00:43:35,481 --> 00:43:38,161
Speaker 1: and I'm like, do these seat belts work? No? And

870
00:43:38,241 --> 00:43:40,201
Speaker 1: you're driving along. So we went from Wollongong all the

871
00:43:40,241 --> 00:43:42,401
Speaker 1: way up the coast. For some reason, we went up

872
00:43:42,521 --> 00:43:44,321
Speaker 1: north first before we went to silt Water. In the

873
00:43:44,361 --> 00:43:46,241
Speaker 1: next hour. I think they just do that with everybody.

874
00:43:47,121 --> 00:43:49,801
Speaker 1: And I'm sitting there and I'm just I had all

875
00:43:49,841 --> 00:43:54,241
Speaker 1: these songs playing my head and I'm just going yes,

876
00:43:54,561 --> 00:43:56,401
Speaker 1: and they're going to come and rescue me now, right,

877
00:43:56,641 --> 00:43:58,361
Speaker 1: it's going to happen, and the truck's going to roll over,

878
00:43:58,401 --> 00:43:59,801
Speaker 1: and it's going to be a big gatchy movie. I'm

879
00:43:59,801 --> 00:44:01,441
Speaker 1: gonna get guns and we're gonna go out of your

880
00:44:01,481 --> 00:44:05,440
Speaker 1: blazing right. Not ever gonna happen, but you have those

881
00:44:05,841 --> 00:44:09,241
Speaker 1: because it's so surreal and you've never been down this

882
00:44:09,361 --> 00:44:11,881
Speaker 1: road before. You have no idea what's next. People told

883
00:44:11,921 --> 00:44:15,121
Speaker 1: me what happens, but it's different for everybody anyway. So

884
00:44:15,201 --> 00:44:16,961
Speaker 1: we get to where we were going and I'm like,

885
00:44:17,041 --> 00:44:20,121
Speaker 1: can I have a trackies or something? It brings me

886
00:44:20,281 --> 00:44:23,761
Speaker 1: these men's fucking clothes. I'm swimming in these tracing and

887
00:44:24,121 --> 00:44:27,121
Speaker 1: he gave me like this size sixteen crop top if

888
00:44:27,161 --> 00:44:29,041
Speaker 1: I wanted it, and I'm like, yeah, no, no thanks,

889
00:44:29,761 --> 00:44:31,921
Speaker 1: and I'm just going, yeah, this is my life, this

890
00:44:32,081 --> 00:44:35,201
Speaker 1: is it. And I just was like, fuck my dad.

891
00:44:35,641 --> 00:44:37,441
Speaker 1: You know, in Switzerland he would have been really stressed

892
00:44:37,441 --> 00:44:38,201
Speaker 1: about it, which.

893
00:44:38,041 --> 00:44:41,561
Speaker 2: He was, And how did you cope with you? First night?

894
00:44:42,001 --> 00:44:44,801
Speaker 1: Feel I didn't sleep very much, but I'm a pretty

895
00:44:44,801 --> 00:44:47,561
Speaker 1: good sleeples so I had a couple of I was asleep,

896
00:44:47,601 --> 00:44:49,561
Speaker 1: and then the next morning we got heard it onto

897
00:44:49,601 --> 00:44:51,561
Speaker 1: another truck and I'm on this truck with this girl

898
00:44:51,641 --> 00:44:54,561
Speaker 1: that first time as well. She was so timid and

899
00:44:54,601 --> 00:44:57,281
Speaker 1: she was really lovely, and you can tell she was

900
00:44:57,401 --> 00:45:01,201
Speaker 1: just not no, not coping. And this other gee, she's

901
00:45:01,241 --> 00:45:03,441
Speaker 1: gone on. I've been in jail so many fucking times,

902
00:45:03,481 --> 00:45:05,241
Speaker 1: and I'll look after years and I'll make sure you've

903
00:45:05,281 --> 00:45:07,761
Speaker 1: got everything. And I'm just sitting there just watching this.

904
00:45:07,841 --> 00:45:10,121
Speaker 1: I'm just going, someone needs to film this shit. I'm

905
00:45:10,161 --> 00:45:13,441
Speaker 1: in a movie, I am, and even everything leading up

906
00:45:13,521 --> 00:45:16,761
Speaker 1: to this and before that, where's the cameraman? Right? Because

907
00:45:16,801 --> 00:45:18,841
Speaker 1: this is the stuff that movies are made of or

908
00:45:18,881 --> 00:45:21,921
Speaker 1: stories are told about, and this is my life. And

909
00:45:22,001 --> 00:45:23,601
Speaker 1: I just had a chuckle to myself and just went,

910
00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:25,761
Speaker 1: this is what I'm going to be surrounded by. So

911
00:45:25,881 --> 00:45:28,041
Speaker 1: when we get to Silk Water, you get taken to

912
00:45:28,121 --> 00:45:32,161
Speaker 1: reception and you get left in a cell, all windows

913
00:45:32,241 --> 00:45:34,441
Speaker 1: and there's this desk and people come and go and

914
00:45:34,481 --> 00:45:36,721
Speaker 1: there's all this stuff hoping anyway. The other girl, she's

915
00:45:36,921 --> 00:45:40,721
Speaker 1: lost her shit, absolutely lost it. Study banging on the

916
00:45:40,801 --> 00:45:45,241
Speaker 1: windows and just had full mental breakdown, demanded to see

917
00:45:45,241 --> 00:45:47,681
Speaker 1: the governor. The governor came, the turtles were there, so

918
00:45:47,761 --> 00:45:50,721
Speaker 1: the turtles are the combat. Yeah, it was all happening.

919
00:45:51,281 --> 00:45:53,641
Speaker 1: And the other girl that was with me has been

920
00:45:53,681 --> 00:45:55,681
Speaker 1: through anything like this before. She's like standing next to me,

921
00:45:55,721 --> 00:45:58,321
Speaker 1: she was shaking. I'm like, it's okay, just stay with me.

922
00:45:58,441 --> 00:46:03,121
Speaker 1: It's all right, we'll get through this. And then at

923
00:46:03,161 --> 00:46:06,081
Speaker 1: one point the Governor's going like this to us, go

924
00:46:06,281 --> 00:46:08,681
Speaker 1: stand away, because they were going to just they didn't.

925
00:46:08,721 --> 00:46:10,361
Speaker 1: In the end, they just she gave them one arm

926
00:46:11,161 --> 00:46:13,881
Speaker 1: to get to put the handcuffs. So anyway, they took

927
00:46:13,881 --> 00:46:17,481
Speaker 1: her away. So and then we didn't go to they

928
00:46:17,561 --> 00:46:20,601
Speaker 1: normally take you to like monitored cells for the first

929
00:46:21,241 --> 00:46:26,480
Speaker 1: We went straight to the wing and we the nurse said,

930
00:46:26,481 --> 00:46:28,401
Speaker 1: I'll put you in the cells together. Can you look

931
00:46:28,481 --> 00:46:30,241
Speaker 1: after her, she said to me, And I said yeah,

932
00:46:30,401 --> 00:46:33,081
Speaker 1: because she just stopped crying, right, and the guards will

933
00:46:33,121 --> 00:46:34,801
Speaker 1: put you in a padded cell if you cry out

934
00:46:34,801 --> 00:46:37,841
Speaker 1: all the time. So I'm like, stop crying, Sweter, it's

935
00:46:37,881 --> 00:46:41,481
Speaker 1: gonna be okay. Got yap, just be strong her eyes

936
00:46:41,761 --> 00:46:43,921
Speaker 1: to get it. She was so good. She did. She

937
00:46:44,041 --> 00:46:47,921
Speaker 1: coped really well. We had quite a journey together through

938
00:46:47,921 --> 00:46:50,561
Speaker 1: the whole system. We're at to water. We parted and

939
00:46:50,601 --> 00:46:57,081
Speaker 1: then I found her again. Yeah, there domestic violence. A

940
00:46:57,201 --> 00:47:00,641
Speaker 1: lot of women are in there for dv DVA drug

941
00:47:00,681 --> 00:47:05,321
Speaker 1: related petty crimes. You know, it's it's and if you

942
00:47:05,521 --> 00:47:07,960
Speaker 1: speak to any of the women in there, there's dv

943
00:47:08,161 --> 00:47:11,441
Speaker 1: in somewhere in their history. They've lost their kids. I

944
00:47:11,481 --> 00:47:14,321
Speaker 1: don't have access to them. My partner doesn't either.

945
00:47:14,721 --> 00:47:15,241
Speaker 2: Many visits.

946
00:47:16,601 --> 00:47:21,561
Speaker 1: Look I did. I I was my best friend, Molena

947
00:47:21,641 --> 00:47:24,801
Speaker 1: came to see me, and you know, she was going

948
00:47:24,841 --> 00:47:26,681
Speaker 1: through her own stuff, but she made that trip out there.

949
00:47:26,801 --> 00:47:29,681
Speaker 1: My mom my's sister and they did video business. Folks,

950
00:47:29,721 --> 00:47:31,601
Speaker 1: you can do the abls, so they make it easy.

951
00:47:31,801 --> 00:47:33,601
Speaker 1: My mentor and his wife came to see me a

952
00:47:33,641 --> 00:47:38,201
Speaker 1: couple of times. And it's just random people too, yeah,

953
00:47:38,401 --> 00:47:40,440
Speaker 1: which was really nice. Like I was like, oh my god,

954
00:47:40,601 --> 00:47:42,881
Speaker 1: you come to visit me and made of home mates.

955
00:47:42,921 --> 00:47:48,281
Speaker 2: And do you think you kept all right with prison yourself? Yeah?

956
00:47:49,161 --> 00:47:51,001
Speaker 1: I had my struggles, don't get me wrong. I had

957
00:47:51,041 --> 00:47:51,721
Speaker 1: a black eye for it.

958
00:47:52,841 --> 00:47:55,440
Speaker 2: She did get into a few scraps, just one one.

959
00:47:55,641 --> 00:47:57,841
Speaker 1: Yeah, just was some crazy lady and if for me,

960
00:47:57,961 --> 00:48:00,481
Speaker 1: that was my churning point. So prison is not a

961
00:48:00,521 --> 00:48:03,841
Speaker 1: good place. And if I was any I think if

962
00:48:03,841 --> 00:48:05,761
Speaker 1: I went to prison any younger I I probably would

963
00:48:05,801 --> 00:48:07,521
Speaker 1: have ended up going on, I want to rule this

964
00:48:07,641 --> 00:48:09,881
Speaker 1: fucking joint, right, let's see what we can do, because

965
00:48:09,921 --> 00:48:11,520
Speaker 1: it's just such a fun with When I was younger,

966
00:48:11,841 --> 00:48:14,481
Speaker 1: I was literally like it was all about it was

967
00:48:14,521 --> 00:48:17,121
Speaker 1: all the game. Everything was a game. And I don't

968
00:48:17,121 --> 00:48:19,281
Speaker 1: live my life like that anymore. I make choices based

969
00:48:19,321 --> 00:48:22,281
Speaker 1: on how I want to interact with the world and

970
00:48:22,401 --> 00:48:23,681
Speaker 1: how I want it to show up for me, and

971
00:48:23,721 --> 00:48:28,041
Speaker 1: how I want to show up for it. And I

972
00:48:28,721 --> 00:48:31,561
Speaker 1: was in so I went through. I got a whole

973
00:48:31,641 --> 00:48:35,001
Speaker 1: prison tour. So they went took me from silver Water

974
00:48:35,601 --> 00:48:39,401
Speaker 1: to win. Now I got locked in MAX. So that's

975
00:48:39,441 --> 00:48:42,081
Speaker 1: in area too, and it's like, you know, Selve locks

976
00:48:42,081 --> 00:48:45,481
Speaker 1: suck American prison, two stories, Selve lock, little yard. You

977
00:48:45,561 --> 00:48:48,321
Speaker 1: get yard time for two hours a day, and there

978
00:48:48,401 --> 00:48:50,401
Speaker 1: is someone that is in charge there, right, And those

979
00:48:50,441 --> 00:48:52,241
Speaker 1: girls were just like, oh, who are you You're fucking

980
00:48:52,281 --> 00:48:54,641
Speaker 1: Here's a TV, here's this, here's that just looked after

981
00:48:54,721 --> 00:48:57,001
Speaker 1: me because my own business, I do my own thing,

982
00:48:57,081 --> 00:49:00,921
Speaker 1: and now I can look after myself. And I said,

983
00:49:00,961 --> 00:49:03,281
Speaker 1: I they knew I didn't want to get involved in anything.

984
00:49:03,321 --> 00:49:05,681
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, it's not my fucking a monkey's not

985
00:49:05,761 --> 00:49:09,041
Speaker 1: my circus. Just not me. Just heard my time. Yeah,

986
00:49:09,641 --> 00:49:11,001
Speaker 1: And then I was only there for two weeks and

987
00:49:11,041 --> 00:49:12,401
Speaker 1: I got moved. So I got back to the TV

988
00:49:12,521 --> 00:49:16,241
Speaker 1: and all that stuff, and got moved two Medium Needs,

989
00:49:16,281 --> 00:49:20,201
Speaker 1: which is a little bits again two story with a

990
00:49:20,441 --> 00:49:22,601
Speaker 1: little bit of bigger yard and there's three of those

991
00:49:22,681 --> 00:49:26,881
Speaker 1: blocks in area one and it's like a circus. It's

992
00:49:27,001 --> 00:49:29,801
Speaker 1: literally or a zoo, whichever one you want to pick.

993
00:49:30,801 --> 00:49:33,041
Speaker 1: The girls are hanging off the fence during the day,

994
00:49:33,121 --> 00:49:35,121
Speaker 1: yelling out across the yard to each other. I just

995
00:49:35,241 --> 00:49:37,801
Speaker 1: fucking got out and I'm back in and I robbed

996
00:49:37,841 --> 00:49:40,041
Speaker 1: that car and I go that mate did this. And

997
00:49:40,201 --> 00:49:43,041
Speaker 1: then it's like there's shit comes flying over the fence

998
00:49:43,161 --> 00:49:46,281
Speaker 1: and guards everywhere. And then next minute, oh, everyone's in

999
00:49:46,401 --> 00:49:49,440
Speaker 1: lockdown and everyone's in handcuffs being taken away, and there's

1000
00:49:49,481 --> 00:49:52,441
Speaker 1: black eyes and blue eyes, and there's fucking drug dogs

1001
00:49:52,481 --> 00:49:55,881
Speaker 1: and it's just a circus. So I was like, if

1002
00:49:55,921 --> 00:50:00,401
Speaker 1: I have to spend fifteen months, you're fucking I don't

1003
00:50:00,401 --> 00:50:03,281
Speaker 1: know if we can do that. So then every day

1004
00:50:03,481 --> 00:50:06,561
Speaker 1: the guards come around and I one of the girls said,

1005
00:50:06,601 --> 00:50:08,041
Speaker 1: you just need to speak to her. She'll get you

1006
00:50:08,081 --> 00:50:10,601
Speaker 1: over to minimum security. Right. So every day I'd ask them,

1007
00:50:10,601 --> 00:50:13,481
Speaker 1: any chance I'm going to minimum today? Any chance, Right,

1008
00:50:13,561 --> 00:50:15,721
Speaker 1: I'd just gone to it and I'd be really calm

1009
00:50:15,761 --> 00:50:17,441
Speaker 1: about it. And then eventually they get to know your

1010
00:50:17,481 --> 00:50:19,921
Speaker 1: face and they look at what you and they go, fuck,

1011
00:50:20,001 --> 00:50:22,841
Speaker 1: she's got yeah the class, so will send her over.

1012
00:50:23,001 --> 00:50:25,241
Speaker 1: So they did that day that I got sent over

1013
00:50:25,321 --> 00:50:30,161
Speaker 1: to minimum. This cheek that love hated me. She was

1014
00:50:30,681 --> 00:50:36,081
Speaker 1: really unwell mentally, really unwell. She was coming down all

1015
00:50:36,121 --> 00:50:37,721
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff. I can make a heap of

1016
00:50:37,801 --> 00:50:41,121
Speaker 1: excuses for it, but she was also bully, and she

1017
00:50:41,281 --> 00:50:43,321
Speaker 1: was like, I'm going to share cells with you when

1018
00:50:43,321 --> 00:50:45,321
Speaker 1: we get over there, and everybody else had partner it up.

1019
00:50:45,361 --> 00:50:46,761
Speaker 1: And I looked at this other girl and I went

1020
00:50:47,721 --> 00:50:50,441
Speaker 1: and she was like, nah, you're fucking own. I'm like,

1021
00:50:50,641 --> 00:50:52,561
Speaker 1: thanks for that, because it was going to go either way.

1022
00:50:52,681 --> 00:50:55,241
Speaker 1: We were either gonna be okay, and then the next

1023
00:50:55,321 --> 00:50:58,761
Speaker 1: hour I'd asked to be moved somewhere else. We weren't okay.

1024
00:50:59,081 --> 00:51:01,921
Speaker 1: I made it to the morning. We had a massive argument.

1025
00:51:01,961 --> 00:51:03,561
Speaker 1: So we get because you get locked in at three

1026
00:51:04,001 --> 00:51:06,521
Speaker 1: thirty and afternoon, and she's like laying on the bed.

1027
00:51:06,601 --> 00:51:09,401
Speaker 1: She has so tash, what are you doing to cope

1028
00:51:09,481 --> 00:51:11,281
Speaker 1: with jail? I said, well, I do what I always do.

1029
00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:13,921
Speaker 1: I meditate each morning, I do my yoga and my stretches,

1030
00:51:14,001 --> 00:51:16,001
Speaker 1: and I get up and I just do them the

1031
00:51:16,081 --> 00:51:18,161
Speaker 1: next right thing, right, this is what I do. I

1032
00:51:18,281 --> 00:51:20,121
Speaker 1: do that on the outside. I do that on the inside.

1033
00:51:20,121 --> 00:51:23,521
Speaker 1: I eat well. I look after myself mentally and physically.

1034
00:51:24,281 --> 00:51:26,801
Speaker 1: Oh well, that's then she had a fucking go at me,

1035
00:51:26,961 --> 00:51:30,440
Speaker 1: and I just went on, shut up. So she's got

1036
00:51:30,521 --> 00:51:32,401
Speaker 1: up and she's yelling at me, and I'm like, beck,

1037
00:51:32,681 --> 00:51:36,321
Speaker 1: just stop already. I'm not belittling you. I'm not anything anyway.

1038
00:51:36,361 --> 00:51:39,121
Speaker 1: So we've gone to sleep. Next morning, fire alarm's going off.

1039
00:51:40,361 --> 00:51:44,561
Speaker 1: Just for hours. I'm losing my mind already. She wakes up.

1040
00:51:44,681 --> 00:51:47,641
Speaker 1: She's crying, and I didn't ask her, well, I don't care,

1041
00:51:47,801 --> 00:51:50,961
Speaker 1: like I'm not here to do your time. And she's crying.

1042
00:51:51,201 --> 00:51:54,921
Speaker 1: And mind you, she's my age. Woman, has nine children

1043
00:51:55,041 --> 00:51:57,361
Speaker 1: somewhere in the fucking world, and you know, lives on

1044
00:51:57,441 --> 00:52:00,961
Speaker 1: the streets and really sad story. I only knows violence.

1045
00:52:02,321 --> 00:52:04,601
Speaker 1: And she goes she gets out of bed, the shower

1046
00:52:04,601 --> 00:52:06,761
Speaker 1: won't work, she loses her shit. She puts her clothes

1047
00:52:06,801 --> 00:52:09,761
Speaker 1: back on, thank God. And then she just when she

1048
00:52:09,921 --> 00:52:11,921
Speaker 1: was just yelling and screaming and ranting the whole time,

1049
00:52:12,841 --> 00:52:16,761
Speaker 1: she's going, people like you make my jail time harder.

1050
00:52:17,241 --> 00:52:19,440
Speaker 1: You don't believe in God and he made the sun

1051
00:52:19,521 --> 00:52:22,001
Speaker 1: and the moon and the stars, and you can't not

1052
00:52:22,081 --> 00:52:24,641
Speaker 1: believe in him. And it was just this madness, so

1053
00:52:25,041 --> 00:52:28,881
Speaker 1: fire alarm her. I've the whole time just gone, tash,

1054
00:52:29,001 --> 00:52:32,481
Speaker 1: just ten more minutes and you'll get released. Right. I

1055
00:52:32,561 --> 00:52:35,641
Speaker 1: couldn't my mouth open before I could shut it. And

1056
00:52:35,761 --> 00:52:38,201
Speaker 1: she's standing over where you are, right. There's the bed

1057
00:52:38,241 --> 00:52:40,081
Speaker 1: behind her, My beds behind me, and I've gotten up.

1058
00:52:40,081 --> 00:52:42,201
Speaker 1: I've gone Can you shut the fuck up? Let's just

1059
00:52:42,241 --> 00:52:45,081
Speaker 1: shut up, please. She comes over and she yes, it's

1060
00:52:45,161 --> 00:52:49,241
Speaker 1: hitting my hands right, and she's like, fuck you, dash

1061
00:52:49,881 --> 00:52:53,121
Speaker 1: you fucking and she's a big girl, and before I

1062
00:52:53,241 --> 00:52:55,441
Speaker 1: know it, she's just thrown her body weight onto me.

1063
00:52:55,561 --> 00:52:57,081
Speaker 1: I've gone down like a sack of tato. I'm just

1064
00:52:57,121 --> 00:53:00,241
Speaker 1: like trying to block blocking, and she got in in

1065
00:53:00,321 --> 00:53:02,361
Speaker 1: between my arm and my leg and got me right

1066
00:53:02,401 --> 00:53:05,361
Speaker 1: on my cheek anyway. I've just couldn't get her off me.

1067
00:53:05,441 --> 00:53:09,921
Speaker 1: I'm trying to fucking and in my head this whole time,

1068
00:53:10,001 --> 00:53:14,721
Speaker 1: I'm just going, no matter what happens, don't belt right

1069
00:53:15,081 --> 00:53:17,960
Speaker 1: whatever you do, Natasha, because the women at CLASSO said

1070
00:53:18,001 --> 00:53:20,921
Speaker 1: to me, if you keep your head down and do

1071
00:53:21,041 --> 00:53:24,001
Speaker 1: the right thing, don't get into fights, don't getting inside charges,

1072
00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:26,601
Speaker 1: You'll progress through this and you'll be out at a

1073
00:53:26,681 --> 00:53:29,201
Speaker 1: work release and doing all this stuff in no time.

1074
00:53:29,601 --> 00:53:32,401
Speaker 1: I'm not doing hard prison for anybody else. So here's me.

1075
00:53:34,241 --> 00:53:37,681
Speaker 1: So I went fucking someone knock up right, help right,

1076
00:53:37,761 --> 00:53:39,561
Speaker 1: so that the other girls would press a knock up button.

1077
00:53:40,041 --> 00:53:42,401
Speaker 1: So the mustard jingled her out of her madness. So

1078
00:53:42,481 --> 00:53:44,121
Speaker 1: she gets off me, and I've got enough and I'm

1079
00:53:44,161 --> 00:53:45,761
Speaker 1: going I've walked over to the mirror and looked in

1080
00:53:45,801 --> 00:53:47,081
Speaker 1: the mirror and I've turned around and I'm just going

1081
00:53:47,161 --> 00:53:49,440
Speaker 1: to I just want to fuck this cunt. And I've

1082
00:53:49,561 --> 00:53:51,361
Speaker 1: looked at her, and instead of putting my hands up

1083
00:53:51,441 --> 00:53:53,241
Speaker 1: and just go on and elbow and knocking her out,

1084
00:53:53,761 --> 00:53:55,241
Speaker 1: I just wan, look at You're done in my face,

1085
00:53:55,321 --> 00:53:58,241
Speaker 1: you crazy cunt. Look who you've done? Hey? You to

1086
00:53:58,361 --> 00:54:02,441
Speaker 1: say that, yeah, fucking dog And I'm just like, what

1087
00:54:02,641 --> 00:54:06,241
Speaker 1: she's going on here? And in that moment, the growth

1088
00:54:06,561 --> 00:54:10,201
Speaker 1: in me for just going. If I act with violence

1089
00:54:10,281 --> 00:54:14,921
Speaker 1: towards this woman, I've become her. I'm not her, I

1090
00:54:15,041 --> 00:54:17,960
Speaker 1: never was, never will be, and I'm not going down

1091
00:54:18,001 --> 00:54:20,361
Speaker 1: this road. So then the guards come in. She's fucking

1092
00:54:20,441 --> 00:54:22,841
Speaker 1: come to come at me again. I'm kicking out the

1093
00:54:22,881 --> 00:54:25,041
Speaker 1: bed and I'm like, get away from me. Guards come in,

1094
00:54:25,161 --> 00:54:26,841
Speaker 1: they go, what's going on here? I'm like, get this

1095
00:54:27,001 --> 00:54:29,561
Speaker 1: crazy kind away from me. I'm holding my cheek and

1096
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:32,361
Speaker 1: it's starting to swell. I'm just like, this is shit.

1097
00:54:33,121 --> 00:54:35,521
Speaker 1: How am I gonna She's got the same amount of

1098
00:54:35,561 --> 00:54:37,641
Speaker 1: time as me, we have to see her all the time.

1099
00:54:38,041 --> 00:54:39,881
Speaker 1: How the fuck am I going to resolve this? I'm

1100
00:54:40,281 --> 00:54:43,161
Speaker 1: calculating right anyway. So I go and spend my first

1101
00:54:43,241 --> 00:54:46,041
Speaker 1: day in lone needs in the fucking I'm not lone

1102
00:54:46,041 --> 00:54:49,401
Speaker 1: heeds in everyone in the clinic. She got locks in

1103
00:54:49,481 --> 00:54:52,401
Speaker 1: cells for a week. She's raving and ranting in that cell.

1104
00:54:53,281 --> 00:54:56,321
Speaker 1: She gets out right and I walk, literally walk, and

1105
00:54:56,401 --> 00:54:57,721
Speaker 1: she's just been let out and she walks up to me.

1106
00:54:57,761 --> 00:55:00,881
Speaker 1: She says, hate ash and I've just looked away and

1107
00:55:00,961 --> 00:55:04,041
Speaker 1: kept walking. Next minute. Then this younger girl comes and

1108
00:55:04,081 --> 00:55:06,201
Speaker 1: goes to Tash. She's gonna flog yeah again because you

1109
00:55:06,241 --> 00:55:08,041
Speaker 1: won't be nice to her, and blah blah blah. I said,

1110
00:55:08,041 --> 00:55:11,201
Speaker 1: listen here, sweet Art, this is the deal. You've got

1111
00:55:11,241 --> 00:55:13,641
Speaker 1: a drug dead. I've got money. I'll pay you a

1112
00:55:13,681 --> 00:55:15,401
Speaker 1: drug debt. You fix this problem for me.

1113
00:55:16,161 --> 00:55:16,321
Speaker 3: I go.

1114
00:55:16,481 --> 00:55:19,441
Speaker 1: You go find out what Arnie Beck needs and we'll

1115
00:55:19,481 --> 00:55:23,241
Speaker 1: fucking go from there. So she went, came back an

1116
00:55:23,241 --> 00:55:25,481
Speaker 1: hour later. This is what you need to buy from

1117
00:55:25,521 --> 00:55:27,961
Speaker 1: buy out for me, no worries, I'll do that for you.

1118
00:55:28,121 --> 00:55:31,521
Speaker 1: Not a problem. What does she need? She just wants

1119
00:55:31,521 --> 00:55:34,721
Speaker 1: to apologize to you in front of everyone. She just

1120
00:55:34,761 --> 00:55:36,961
Speaker 1: wants to say sorry because she knows she's done the

1121
00:55:37,001 --> 00:55:39,641
Speaker 1: wrong thing. She feels really bad. I'll go yeah, she's

1122
00:55:39,641 --> 00:55:42,281
Speaker 1: come to her senses for five minutes. Anyway, I'm like, okay, here,

1123
00:55:42,321 --> 00:55:44,681
Speaker 1: let's play this game. So at lunch time, just before locking,

1124
00:55:45,921 --> 00:55:48,481
Speaker 1: she brings her over and everyone's there, like from that

1125
00:55:48,601 --> 00:55:50,321
Speaker 1: same block and all that, and I let her camp

1126
00:55:50,321 --> 00:55:53,921
Speaker 1: to me. She goes Tash and she was sincere. She

1127
00:55:54,121 --> 00:55:59,721
Speaker 1: hugs me, fucking give me strength, someone, and she hugs

1128
00:55:59,761 --> 00:56:01,481
Speaker 1: me and she goes, I'm so sorry, Tash, and I

1129
00:56:01,921 --> 00:56:04,681
Speaker 1: moved her away and I said, thank you for your apology.

1130
00:56:05,401 --> 00:56:07,601
Speaker 1: It's not okay what you did, but I accept your apology.

1131
00:56:08,441 --> 00:56:11,761
Speaker 1: And that was the end of that one. She never

1132
00:56:11,961 --> 00:56:13,321
Speaker 1: she would come to me all of a sudden. She

1133
00:56:13,441 --> 00:56:15,441
Speaker 1: just pop out from behind a building and hug me

1134
00:56:15,521 --> 00:56:18,281
Speaker 1: and go, I'm so sorry. I'm really working on myself.

1135
00:56:18,281 --> 00:56:19,841
Speaker 1: I'm doing better. Can you help me?

1136
00:56:20,481 --> 00:56:24,281
Speaker 2: No, what was it feeling like when you got released?

1137
00:56:24,841 --> 00:56:29,321
Speaker 1: Well, because I got released on Yeah you're out. Look,

1138
00:56:29,321 --> 00:56:30,841
Speaker 1: I was home and I'm like, oh, I can go

1139
00:56:30,921 --> 00:56:32,601
Speaker 1: to the beach with an ankle bracelet on. It was

1140
00:56:32,681 --> 00:56:35,241
Speaker 1: It was pretty fucking cool. And it was because in

1141
00:56:35,361 --> 00:56:38,361
Speaker 1: that moment, I didn't become my environment.

1142
00:56:39,161 --> 00:56:41,281
Speaker 2: And I've seen from your post that you were enjoying it,

1143
00:56:41,321 --> 00:56:44,481
Speaker 2: even though you have to bracelet on, haven't you embracing it?

1144
00:56:44,801 --> 00:56:49,641
Speaker 1: Endlessly? Grateful that there is such a program as reintegration

1145
00:56:49,801 --> 00:56:55,000
Speaker 1: home detention, and that for people like me at works,

1146
00:56:55,121 --> 00:56:58,321
Speaker 1: it doesn't work for everybody. You've got to be organized,

1147
00:56:58,361 --> 00:57:00,721
Speaker 1: You've got to do your schedules, otherwise you're just sitting

1148
00:57:00,761 --> 00:57:04,601
Speaker 1: at home. It wouldn't work for somebody still in an

1149
00:57:04,601 --> 00:57:08,721
Speaker 1: addiction either, like you just want to go out whenever

1150
00:57:08,721 --> 00:57:10,561
Speaker 1: you want to. And there's also a bit of you

1151
00:57:10,681 --> 00:57:13,161
Speaker 1: that you really have to calm that. Fuck you, why

1152
00:57:13,241 --> 00:57:15,321
Speaker 1: do I have to tell you where I'm going? Well,

1153
00:57:15,441 --> 00:57:17,601
Speaker 1: you should be wearing green really because it's part of

1154
00:57:17,601 --> 00:57:20,281
Speaker 1: your jail sentence. So you know, a couple of times

1155
00:57:20,281 --> 00:57:24,441
Speaker 1: it just went so sick of answering to people, so

1156
00:57:24,561 --> 00:57:27,921
Speaker 1: sick of asking permission to live my life, and then

1157
00:57:27,921 --> 00:57:30,641
Speaker 1: I just go just be grateful, Tosh. You know the jail,

1158
00:57:30,881 --> 00:57:32,681
Speaker 1: the not the jail. The judge could have put you

1159
00:57:32,761 --> 00:57:33,241
Speaker 1: in jail for the.

1160
00:57:33,241 --> 00:57:37,041
Speaker 2: Whole one words you could say about your life. What's

1161
00:57:37,121 --> 00:57:38,881
Speaker 2: one word you could describe your life?

1162
00:57:39,001 --> 00:57:45,321
Speaker 1: Fucking busy. I feel like I've talked for the whole

1163
00:57:45,361 --> 00:57:45,761
Speaker 1: two hours.

1164
00:57:45,761 --> 00:57:49,121
Speaker 2: You've barely said a word with you fucking hell, no

1165
00:57:49,241 --> 00:57:54,641
Speaker 2: wonder I'll get started. But it's been a great story.

1166
00:57:54,841 --> 00:57:57,001
Speaker 3: And that's why I wanted you on, because that's why

1167
00:57:57,001 --> 00:57:59,281
Speaker 3: I watched you on your your Insta with your stories

1168
00:57:59,321 --> 00:58:01,521
Speaker 3: about you know, being inside and you and you have

1169
00:58:02,121 --> 00:58:04,641
Speaker 3: described your life like you've come onto the closet with

1170
00:58:04,681 --> 00:58:05,401
Speaker 3: a youth there.

1171
00:58:05,441 --> 00:58:06,121
Speaker 2: But you know what I mean.

1172
00:58:06,641 --> 00:58:08,441
Speaker 3: But that's why I wanted you one, and I knew

1173
00:58:08,441 --> 00:58:11,521
Speaker 3: it'd be a good story, and I praise you and

1174
00:58:11,561 --> 00:58:13,321
Speaker 3: I thank you for coming on to share that because

1175
00:58:14,161 --> 00:58:15,721
Speaker 3: it's been a fucking laugh that they like.

1176
00:58:16,561 --> 00:58:17,441
Speaker 2: And I was like some of that.

1177
00:58:17,561 --> 00:58:19,921
Speaker 3: I wasn't expecting some of that, like you know what

1178
00:58:20,001 --> 00:58:22,801
Speaker 3: I mean. But I've really appreciated you coming on and

1179
00:58:22,921 --> 00:58:23,801
Speaker 3: I've enjoyed it.

1180
00:58:23,921 --> 00:58:26,241
Speaker 2: And so what are you going to do now with yourself?

1181
00:58:27,121 --> 00:58:31,281
Speaker 1: So I have just I finished my home randomation home detention,

1182
00:58:32,601 --> 00:58:37,201
Speaker 1: and I have started a position with success Works. We're

1183
00:58:37,281 --> 00:58:41,121
Speaker 1: an organization that support women with a criminal record to

1184
00:58:41,161 --> 00:58:45,601
Speaker 1: find meaningful employment. So we offer them program then mentorship.

1185
00:58:46,441 --> 00:58:49,601
Speaker 1: Uh and if anybody out there would like to be

1186
00:58:49,761 --> 00:58:53,361
Speaker 1: an employer for us, check out successworks dot org dot au.

1187
00:58:53,921 --> 00:58:56,321
Speaker 1: We're always looking for people to partner with and any

1188
00:58:56,361 --> 00:59:00,121
Speaker 1: women with a criminal record struggling to you know, get work,

1189
00:59:00,201 --> 00:59:03,281
Speaker 1: come and speak to us and so we teach you

1190
00:59:03,321 --> 00:59:05,921
Speaker 1: how to talk about your record, we see where you're at,

1191
00:59:06,001 --> 00:59:09,481
Speaker 1: we get your job ready, and then we partner with

1192
00:59:09,561 --> 00:59:13,521
Speaker 1: employers to you know, let's give women with a record

1193
00:59:13,561 --> 00:59:15,681
Speaker 1: a chance. They're usually trying to get their kids back

1194
00:59:16,281 --> 00:59:20,161
Speaker 1: and we're giving support throughout that whole process, so you're

1195
00:59:20,201 --> 00:59:23,041
Speaker 1: not just employing someone that's out there on their own

1196
00:59:23,121 --> 00:59:25,681
Speaker 1: trying to do it because it's hard. It's hard doing

1197
00:59:25,681 --> 00:59:28,241
Speaker 1: it on your own. Yeah, So I'm the Employment and

1198
00:59:28,601 --> 00:59:36,921
Speaker 1: Training Program Coordinator, very formal, just like coming from a

1199
00:59:37,001 --> 00:59:37,561
Speaker 1: different place.

1200
00:59:37,641 --> 00:59:39,561
Speaker 2: It's time, Neil, But thank you for coming on.

1201
00:59:39,761 --> 00:59:40,241
Speaker 1: You're welcome.

1202
00:59:40,481 --> 00:59:41,041
Speaker 2: That was great

1203
00:59:43,081 --> 00:59:43,361
Speaker 1: Story.