1 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,560 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's CALLI here for this week's Mojo Monday. 2 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:17,040 Speaker 1: So I have spent years studying ACT, which stands for 3 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,680 Speaker 1: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but we like to just call 4 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:25,200 Speaker 1: it ACT. And one of the core principles is exactly 5 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:29,560 Speaker 1: what it says, and that is around acceptance. So in ACT, 6 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:34,320 Speaker 1: acceptance means opening up to the present moment as it is. 7 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:39,160 Speaker 1: It's allowing our inner experience to be there even when 8 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:43,040 Speaker 1: it's super uncomfortable. So if you wake up feeling jittery 9 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 1: or filled with worried thoughts, or you have low energy 10 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 1: or flat, and that's what you open up to, not 11 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:54,720 Speaker 1: because you like it, not because it's comfortable, but because 12 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:59,360 Speaker 1: it's what's here. And the opposite of acceptance in ACT 13 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,720 Speaker 1: is something that we call experiential avoidance. So this is 14 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:07,240 Speaker 1: when we're not willing to feel what we feel, we 15 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: can try and push the discomfort away and fix it 16 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 1: or numb it or distract ourselves from it. And because 17 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 1: we're human, if we let ourselves, we start to avoid. 18 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 1: So we go into this avoidance mode and we all 19 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,600 Speaker 1: do it, and sometimes it doesn't have much impact in 20 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:28,760 Speaker 1: our lives at all, and it's actually fairly harmless. But 21 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,880 Speaker 1: the kind of avoidance that we look at in act 22 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:36,680 Speaker 1: is the avoidance that costs us something. So this is 23 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:41,319 Speaker 1: when the avoidance strategies can be problematic. So the avoidance 24 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 1: narrows our life, it narrows our world. It's the avoidance 25 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 1: that pulls us away from the person that we really 26 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 1: want to be and how we want to spend our 27 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: time and how we want to show up for our 28 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 1: cells and for others. So take a moment right now 29 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,160 Speaker 1: and just reflect on your own patterns. So ask yourself, 30 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 1: what do I tend to avoid because it feels uncomfortable? 31 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 1: And when I avoid it, what does that choice cost me? 32 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: So I would put money on one of the top 33 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,919 Speaker 1: avoidant strategies today being scrolling on social media. And look, 34 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,079 Speaker 1: sometimes that's fine, I do it too, But the goal 35 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:28,040 Speaker 1: isn't to live this perfect life. The goal is awareness. 36 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:33,040 Speaker 1: It's this ability to pause, even briefly, and ask ourselves 37 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 1: what am I trying to avoid right now? And is 38 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:40,680 Speaker 1: this really how I want to spend my time? Because 39 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 1: for many of us, young, old, everyone in between, scrolling 40 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:48,160 Speaker 1: is no longer a harmless distraction. It becomes kind of 41 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:52,519 Speaker 1: the default escape. So ours can disappear into other people's 42 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,239 Speaker 1: lives while our own life is just quietly put on hold. 43 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,320 Speaker 1: And of course scrolling isn't just the only avoid strategy, 44 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,560 Speaker 1: it's one of a thousand ways that we can avoid discomfort. 45 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,760 Speaker 1: So think about something really simple, like avoiding doing the 46 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 1: dishes because it's boring and you'd rather be doing something 47 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 1: more interesting. So the dishes pile up on the sink, 48 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 1: they start to smell, and eventually you run out of 49 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:22,880 Speaker 1: plates and pots and pans. This is a simple example, 50 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: but one that clearly shows how avoidance creates bigger problems 51 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:33,679 Speaker 1: over time. Another example which are more complex and kind 52 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 1: of harder to catch. So what about avoiding exercise because 53 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:42,240 Speaker 1: it feels uncomfortable or inconvenient for you? So your mind 54 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,960 Speaker 1: will is so good at coming up with very reasonable 55 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: arguments as to why you shouldn't exercise, so you're too tired, 56 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 1: or oh you exercised yesterday, your body is telling you 57 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,520 Speaker 1: to rest. You know, I hear the listening to your 58 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:03,480 Speaker 1: body reasoning all the time. The key question is whether 59 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 1: that is genuine care you know it could be, or 60 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:11,800 Speaker 1: whether it's an avoidant strategy your clever mind has come 61 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 1: up with and even if you are tired, that doesn't 62 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 1: mean that you have to avoid exercise altogether. You can 63 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:22,160 Speaker 1: always scale it back. The skill is noticing the excuses 64 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:28,080 Speaker 1: without automatically obeying them. Or what about avoiding the stress 65 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: of the day by reaching for a glass of wine 66 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:33,520 Speaker 1: not because you truly want it, but because you want 67 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,360 Speaker 1: that noise inside your head just to quieten down. You 68 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 1: want to turn that volume down. So one glass of 69 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,400 Speaker 1: wine might be fine, but if it turns into a 70 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,719 Speaker 1: second or a third, and it's a Tuesday, it's worth 71 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: asking yourself what am I trying to numb here? Like 72 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:57,000 Speaker 1: work stress, family pressures, financial worries. Over time, drinking alcohol 73 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: every night often adds secondary stress on tip of the 74 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: original stress. So act would call these away moves. These 75 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:09,200 Speaker 1: are behaviors that pull us away from the kind of 76 00:05:09,279 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: life that we want to live when discomfort shows up. 77 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 1: And the truth is, experiential avoidance works in the short term, 78 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,240 Speaker 1: and I think that's something we need to acknowledge. It 79 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:24,159 Speaker 1: does give temporary relief, you know, a little numbing, little distraction, 80 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:30,919 Speaker 1: a little quiet mind inside. But over time, what avoidance 81 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 1: does is narrows our world. It erodes our confidence, It 82 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:41,080 Speaker 1: dampens resilience. It keeps us living from fear and reaction 83 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:48,920 Speaker 1: rather than purpose and intention. So what's the alternative? Values? Values? Values? 84 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:54,479 Speaker 1: At the core of act is clarifying your values. These 85 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,919 Speaker 1: are the things that are important to you, deep in 86 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 1: your heart, the kind of person you want to be, 87 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,120 Speaker 1: the qualities that you want to express in different in 88 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,839 Speaker 1: the different areas of your life. So you know, for example, 89 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:11,360 Speaker 1: what does healthy look like to you in action? What 90 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:16,360 Speaker 1: does connected mean in your behavior? What does courageous look 91 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,920 Speaker 1: like when things feel really hard? And notice I said 92 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,560 Speaker 1: what does it look like? Not how you feel? What 93 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: does being a present parent, partner, or friend look like 94 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:33,159 Speaker 1: in real life? And then you can gently hold those 95 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 1: values alongside your avoidance habits and just compare what is 96 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: aligned here. If you value health but avoid movement by 97 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:47,560 Speaker 1: scrolling endlessly, then there's a mismatch. If you value meaningful 98 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,919 Speaker 1: connection but are saying no to social events because discomfort 99 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,600 Speaker 1: shows up, then there's a mismatch. If you value being 100 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:59,400 Speaker 1: a positive role model that stress triggers yelling. Again, that's 101 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 1: not a character flaw, It's just an opportunity to notice 102 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:08,880 Speaker 1: that your behavior isn't aligned with your values, and values 103 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:12,880 Speaker 1: are not about leading this perfect life. They're more about direction, 104 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: so they're like your compass. So where your values appointing you, 105 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:23,440 Speaker 1: that's the behavior that you follow. So here's my invitation 106 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 1: to you this week. Notice one moment, and it can 107 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:33,160 Speaker 1: just be one where avoidance shows up. And it's important 108 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 1: that you don't judge yourself. You don't try and fight it. 109 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,280 Speaker 1: I just want you to notice it. And when you 110 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,120 Speaker 1: feel that urge to scroll or pour the wine, or 111 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 1: skip the round or the gym, or back out of 112 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:49,679 Speaker 1: something that actually does matter, just pause, take a slow, 113 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:54,120 Speaker 1: deep breath, place one hand on your chest if it helps, 114 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:59,040 Speaker 1: and name what's there. So this is boredom, this is anxiety, 115 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:04,120 Speaker 1: this is fear of being judged, this is overwhelmed, And 116 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: then gently ask yourself, what's one small move I could 117 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: make that points me towards the person I want to 118 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 1: be despite how I feel. So we're acknowledging those feelings, 119 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,600 Speaker 1: but they are not dictating what we choose to do next. 120 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,760 Speaker 1: Because at the heart of act, you don't need to 121 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:28,960 Speaker 1: eliminate the discomfort to live well. You just need to 122 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:33,079 Speaker 1: be willing, even slightly, to feel what you feel and 123 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: still choose the life that matters to you. Avoidance strategies 124 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,360 Speaker 1: are always going to show up in your mind and 125 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 1: that is normal. But your values can lead if you 126 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:48,480 Speaker 1: pause long enough to allow them, and every choice you 127 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:52,439 Speaker 1: make in the direction of your values moves you towards 128 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,800 Speaker 1: the life that you want to live, even when the 129 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 1: discomfort comes along for the ride. So this week, notice 130 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 1: the avoidance, make room for the discomfort, and take one 131 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:08,880 Speaker 1: small step towards your values, and that is how your 132 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 1: life changes. It is one choice at a time. So 133 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 1: thank you for listening to this week's Mojo Monday. If 134 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,320 Speaker 1: you are listening to this in the week of Christmas 135 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,840 Speaker 1: and you do celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a 136 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: lovely day. And if you're going on holidays, enjoy and 137 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: I will catch you next week. See yu