Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself.
Speaker 1: We'd help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self. Welcome back
Speaker 2: to another episode of She Rises.
Speaker 1: Today's episode, I'm really excited to learn.
Speaker 3: From this Mayor.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2: He is a good friend of mine. He is a
Speaker 2: phenomenal coach and he specializes in purpose, business and relationships.
Speaker 2: You know, we love relationships.
Speaker 4: We do.
Speaker 1: He really goes deep and he talks really fast, So
Speaker 1: make sure you guys really stay in tune because I've
Speaker 1: consumed some of his content online. But he is a
Speaker 1: world of knowledge and wisdom and one of the most
Speaker 1: passionate people I've ever had.
Speaker 2: Oh He's a weapon, absolutely so. Lewis Huckstep Welcome to
Speaker 2: the podcast.
Speaker 4: Thank you boy.
Speaker 1: We're really excited to have you on and talk about
Speaker 1: all things relationships, business and finding your purpose.
Speaker 4: Wherever you want to get bask.
Speaker 3: Before we get started.
Speaker 1: You're on a Monday episode here every month on no
Speaker 1: so we ask our guests, or we we share a
Speaker 1: share of the week.
Speaker 3: So it could be a product, could be a restaurant, cafe.
Speaker 4: I'm getting into pickleball.
Speaker 3: Does that compt Oh that's so trending right now, isn't it?
Speaker 5: Is it more of like a hobby? Is it to
Speaker 5: get out of the work mindset? Or is it to like?
Speaker 5: What's it all?
Speaker 4: I love games. I always like like card games, board games, monopoly. Deal.
Speaker 4: It's like simple and competitive and my wife's really good
Speaker 4: at it. We should be too much.
Speaker 3: Yeah, is it as long as a normal game fifteen minutes?
Speaker 4: Getting get it? Because I'm anomoally game six hours? You
Speaker 4: get a commit change my answer a deal.
Speaker 1: We'll get into it. So we know a little bit
Speaker 1: about you. Obviously you and Tiana are friends. But for
Speaker 1: anyone who's never heard of you, in a nutshell, what
Speaker 1: do you do?
Speaker 4: So? I help people find their true self, which is
Speaker 4: purpose values, authentic self, and I've got a couple definitions
Speaker 4: of that. I help them get clear on the vision
Speaker 4: they want for their life. So what does the life
Speaker 4: actually look like? That is inspiring to what does inspired
Speaker 4: life look like? And then how do you remove all
Speaker 4: the mental emotional blocks that would stop you from creating
Speaker 4: that life. Success is eighty percent mindset, twenty percent skill set.
Speaker 4: So mainly it's the mental emotional who are you, what's
Speaker 4: your purpose? What do you love? What's stopping you from
Speaker 4: pursuing it? But also the skills where I take the piss.
Speaker 4: I'm in spiritual circles. I'm into meditation, into plant medicines
Speaker 4: and shit. But I'm going to the mates who just
Speaker 4: meditated and libertator all day and do fucking nothing with
Speaker 4: their life. They don't take action. And then you've got
Speaker 4: the other side where it's like hustle, hustle, hustle, where
Speaker 4: you guys have that doing this and doing business. It's
Speaker 4: like you need to take action. But if you don't
Speaker 4: have the other side, you're under fields, you're burnt out,
Speaker 4: and you're just like chasing the I'll be happy win
Speaker 4: miles space. It's the mirage you never get to. And
Speaker 4: I was at for a long time with the gyms,
Speaker 4: when back when you came down the gym years again,
Speaker 4: So it's integrating those two worlds. It's like, how do
Speaker 4: you actually be super happy, super fulfilled, but also take
Speaker 4: action because you can't pay you landlord with gratitude. Me
Speaker 4: I integrate those two worlds. So watch your purpose? Who
Speaker 4: are authentically? What do you love? What do you want?
Speaker 4: What's the actual plan and skills needed to create that?
Speaker 4: And then let's address all those mental emotional blocks that
Speaker 4: would stop you from doing it. Because if you know
Speaker 4: what to do and you're not what you know, it's
Speaker 4: something in here. So we want to under that which
Speaker 4: you'd be into as well.
Speaker 3: That's a powerful thing. Yeah, it is.
Speaker 1: Do you find as Most people don't know what the
Speaker 1: purpose is. So how do you get started of finding
Speaker 1: your purpose?
Speaker 4: I got done with as autism and ADHD, so I
Speaker 4: break things down very granular. So your purpose is an
Speaker 4: expression of your core wound. So pain is purpose, wounds
Speaker 4: is wisdom. So what was most painful for you becomes
Speaker 4: most important to you. Wow, mine was around her misunderstood
Speaker 4: and rejection. So mine is around healing and raising consciousness.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 4: So I was traumatized and had my wounds when I
Speaker 4: was younger. When I was born, I didn't get given
Speaker 4: like a use is manual to life. It's like who
Speaker 4: are you? What do you want, how do you get it?
Speaker 4: Who are you? Authentically? All these things? So for me,
Speaker 4: it's recognizing what is your purpose, that's the fuel source
Speaker 4: and the direction it gives you direction, meaning and fulfillment
Speaker 4: and unlimited motivation to get there or inspiration. The need
Speaker 4: for motivation is a symptom of an uninspired goal. So
Speaker 4: when you actually know what you want and you're fulfilled
Speaker 4: by it, you'll be willing to take action towards it. Yeah,
Speaker 4: you find your core wound, what did you need back then?
Speaker 4: And then you articulate into a sentence and then how
Speaker 4: can you solve problems for others in alignment with that?
Speaker 4: And how to get paid to do it?
Speaker 1: I kind of agree with that, and then it's also
Speaker 1: combining a passion. So for me, my biggest room was
Speaker 1: feeling alone growing up, so I never want it need
Speaker 1: on to feel alone. And I also love sport as
Speaker 1: really competitive love sports. So when it comes to becoming
Speaker 1: a PT, it was like, wow, I get to help
Speaker 1: all these women be active and I make sure they
Speaker 1: never feel alone through their process. And then it's kind
Speaker 1: of gone off into the podcast and to other avenues,
Speaker 1: but that's my care rooms for their loans.
Speaker 5: So good as to your I feel it's mine is unworthiness.
Speaker 5: And I think that's a lot of what I do
Speaker 5: within my coaching businesses to help women, yeah, be able
Speaker 5: to you know, be able to feel worthy, focus on
Speaker 5: their self worth, their confidence, their self belief, and looking
Speaker 5: at how they can increase their overall self value in
Speaker 5: the way that they see themselves because that's something that
Speaker 5: I lacked when I was younger.
Speaker 4: And you'll be inspired by. You don't need motivation to
Speaker 4: do it. You've got to tear in your eye when
Speaker 4: you perceive it. So when someone comes to you and
Speaker 4: you're like, oh my god, you've helped me lock myself.
Speaker 4: I feel so worthy, you'll be like, oh my god,
Speaker 4: that's so true.
Speaker 3: So true is as we're crying.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and so twos come through. I just did a
Speaker 4: three day event and we do purpose, mission, vision values,
Speaker 4: and we do limiting beliefs, trauma and all these things
Speaker 4: over three days. Transformation is my favorite one. It's like
Speaker 4: when that breakthrough moment where like the healing happens, the
Speaker 4: transformation happens, and my balancing process is my traumal process.
Speaker 4: We do it on day two. We start at like
Speaker 4: midday and you just go to you done, and essentially
Speaker 4: I'm walking around and it's a process where there's twelve steps,
Speaker 4: but you can't move on to the next step until
Speaker 4: I let you move on to the next step to
Speaker 4: actually up bullshitting yourself. Essentially, like I'll go around and
Speaker 4: I'll go to a hearse and i'd like ask from
Speaker 4: the questions and it's like I just picture key words
Speaker 4: of the locks and the keys, so I just need
Speaker 4: to say the right words to unlock the combination to
Speaker 4: get the breakthrough. So I'll let you walk over to
Speaker 4: this lady and I'll ask the question, looker in the eye,
Speaker 4: tears comes woe, and then I'll move on to the
Speaker 4: next one. Then boom, net fluxed, boom, and I'm crying
Speaker 4: the whole time because I'm so inspired and oh there's there.
Speaker 4: So it's like four hours of just like ecstasy for me,
Speaker 4: and like all these people, it's yeah, very inspired.
Speaker 5: So I was sommutable. Oh my gosh. I would love
Speaker 5: to know your own experience. And you know, obviously you're
Speaker 5: helping people with you know everything that you're doing relationships,
Speaker 5: business and finding your purpose, and you speak a lot
Speaker 5: on trauma as well, so I would love to know,
Speaker 5: like what was like a defining moment for you in
Speaker 5: your journey where you were like, holy shit, I need
Speaker 5: to go on this journey and this is hugely significant
Speaker 5: for me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's the main one that comes up. I share
Speaker 4: it on in my book. I was the very like
Speaker 4: I'll be happy when achiever like a chief achieve. Chief
Speaker 4: got the three gems by twenty two, and it was
Speaker 4: always like I need more, I need more, I need more,
Speaker 4: And it was because I was not enough and I
Speaker 4: thought external circumstances will fill internal points. It doesn't work
Speaker 4: our way as you guys. So I hit a breaking point.
Speaker 4: So I had three gems, but it was like built
Speaker 4: on sands, like there was no real assistance processes, leadership,
Speaker 4: like I was the business like if I took one
Speaker 4: day off, it was all everything from yeah, everything crumbled.
Speaker 4: So I remember we hear like a breaking point and
Speaker 4: I had the three and I had a business partner
Speaker 4: with two of them, and one of the business partners
Speaker 4: he was like, let's sell one of them. And I'm like, yeah, fuck,
Speaker 4: I'm done too, let's sell it. So we went through
Speaker 4: the like twelve months founded by I went through the
Speaker 4: contracts and then there's like to us twelve months to
Speaker 4: get the signature, like sold, it's fourteen day of cooling
Speaker 4: off period. He pulls out on two days left. No,
Speaker 4: and like this is like my lifeline, Like I'm living
Speaker 4: off four hours of fleet and like I used to
Speaker 4: take trains and put on Instagram show how hard I
Speaker 4: was working. It's the Brenvach to the belt. And I
Speaker 4: was just like stress, anxious, overwhelmed, unhappy. Relationship was on
Speaker 4: the rocks, like and it was like that was the
Speaker 4: straw that broke the camel's back. I just remember the
Speaker 4: phone call with the guy, and it's funny because he
Speaker 4: actually paid him to mentor me later, so he's actually
Speaker 4: a good friend of mine. He just got me and
Speaker 4: just said this deal's fucked, this business is fucked. We're
Speaker 4: pulling out, and I just dropped to the ground cry
Speaker 4: and I'm like I don't know what to do. One
Speaker 4: of my mentors, Ages Ago, said, life gives you a
Speaker 4: feather if you don't listen to rock, if you don't
Speaker 4: listen to bus. So that was the buster wake me up.
Speaker 4: I was already doing self development, like Tony Robins, Cohen
Speaker 4: Ray Seminars books podcast and all that stuff, but it
Speaker 4: was just life will give you the stimulus or the
Speaker 4: catalysts for you to wake up. And that was the
Speaker 4: big one for me. I ended up literally giving that
Speaker 4: business away and so his game to my business partner,
Speaker 4: I said, I don't want this had fifty percent of it.
Speaker 4: So that was about two hundred grand of the business
Speaker 4: that I don't want to take it. I can't handle it.
Speaker 4: And from there then we went through COVID with two gyms.
Speaker 4: That was fun in a nutshell as well, but during
Speaker 4: that it was like really deeper levels of work, like
Speaker 4: I've done the NLP in my mindset stuff, but not
Speaker 4: the real deep purpose heally liberating stuff. Gone to DeMartini,
Speaker 4: dro to Spenzer, Peter Crone, plant medicine, breath work, and
Speaker 4: just went really really deep into it. And yeah, then
Speaker 4: I sold the second gym at the end of COVID
Speaker 4: and then I had one left. I hide myself out
Speaker 4: of it and I was making two three grand a
Speaker 4: week for an hour worth work because I do a
Speaker 4: team there, and then I had all this time to Okay,
Speaker 4: what do I do now? It's like seven years of
Speaker 4: like head down, pump up, grind thrown Bryan Crime. I
Speaker 4: was like, I want to give this back to others,
Speaker 4: And that was four years ago now, so I've been
Speaker 4: doing it for four years down it's crazy.
Speaker 1: Then we takes a big breakdown to have a breakthrough
Speaker 1: like that. The hustle, it's quite addictive for a lot
Speaker 1: of people, and it obviously meets a lot of human needs.
Speaker 4: How did you.
Speaker 3: Break through even though you had all this time?
Speaker 5: Now?
Speaker 1: Was it temptation to go back into doing something and
Speaker 1: hustling or you're like, I just cannot do that life anymore.
Speaker 4: Like if you listen to the breadcrumbs of inspiration, it
Speaker 4: leads you to your purpose. So it's like if I
Speaker 4: got everyone listening to bring into their hearts and say,
Speaker 4: what is it that you're truly here to do? Like
Speaker 4: you'll have a whisper. You just got to listen to it.
Speaker 4: So you're a parent, yeah, I got to go to
Speaker 4: your So kids are so in touch with their intuition,
Speaker 4: they're so embodied with them. But then we get diditioned
Speaker 4: out of it and we have all pertorma, all that
Speaker 4: stuff we pick up. If everyone actually listens to their truth,
Speaker 4: they know what it is. We just need to peel
Speaker 4: back all that bullshit, trauma, limitations and projections of who
Speaker 4: you think you have to be, got to be, must be,
Speaker 4: to be enough, Get rid of that, who are you authentically?
Speaker 4: And then how do you do that?
Speaker 5: So much outside noise?
Speaker 1: Hey yeah, yeah, it's a lot of inner work too
Speaker 1: that I think a lot of people are really scared of.
Speaker 1: Do you get a lot of people that come to, oh,
Speaker 1: I want to work, if you'll want to change, then
Speaker 1: when it gets down to actually having to peel back
Speaker 1: those layers, like, oh.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it takes courage to do work. It's the ego
Speaker 4: I define as your human identity. So it's not good,
Speaker 4: not bad. It's like when people say that's your ego,
Speaker 4: that's their ego saying that so so jurios everything. Think
Speaker 4: of the programming on these phones. It's like there's programming
Speaker 4: on those phones to operate without any programming it. It's
Speaker 4: got nothing there. But if you download a virus, that's
Speaker 4: the limitations. So you will remove the limitations. Like kids,
Speaker 4: I always say, when a child is born, what parts
Speaker 4: of the baby is worthy of love? What's your inswer that?
Speaker 4: All of that, But then we go through trauma and
Speaker 4: limitations and we learn some parts of us aren't lovable.
Speaker 4: That's the unheal part. That's trauma. You may have heard
Speaker 4: this self growth or healing is learning to love all
Speaker 4: parts of who you are. So essentially it's learning to
Speaker 4: find those parts you shame yourself for things, you get
Speaker 4: triggered by the things you project onto others, integrate heel
Speaker 4: thos that's your authentic self, and then again give that
Speaker 4: back to others and get page to do it. That's
Speaker 4: essentially dream.
Speaker 5: What do you think of some misconceptions that people have
Speaker 5: around potentially doing this work and looking at this sort
Speaker 5: of avenue, Like, what are the misconceptions you think people
Speaker 5: might have.
Speaker 4: One of them is that they're broken. Firstly, there's something
Speaker 4: wrong with you. It's like you're just removing the things
Speaker 4: that aren't you. So it's like the statue of David.
Speaker 4: You may have heard that quote. So Michaelims made the
Speaker 4: statue David. Someone asked him, how do you make such
Speaker 4: a bitful statue? He said, it was easy. David was
Speaker 4: always in the statue. I just removed everything that wasn't hit. Yeah,
Speaker 4: So it's again finding the parts of the viruses or
Speaker 4: the trauma, the persona's the wounds which are on top
Speaker 4: of your authentic self. You're in a child, removing that
Speaker 4: and you're left with you, so you're broken. Some people
Speaker 4: will think it won't work for them, which kind of
Speaker 4: ties into that they're broken. Yeah, some people think it
Speaker 4: takes a long time. Now, Yeah, there's a disclaimer on that.
Speaker 4: You can have instantaneous transformation in moments. I've had people
Speaker 4: that have come to me done therapy or talk therapy
Speaker 4: for forty five years. We do one process and we
Speaker 4: heal that particular thing, but I believe healings never finished.
Speaker 4: There's always more to do. So I believe transformation if
Speaker 4: you do the right tool, from the right coach and
Speaker 4: the right healer who are you working with, you can
Speaker 4: have instantaneous transformation from having the breakthrough moment. But there's
Speaker 4: always more layers to find. So I think that's very common.
Speaker 4: Like people think I need to do therapy for twenty
Speaker 4: years to overcome something I had declined. She was sexually
Speaker 4: assaulted from her dad for five years, so from the
Speaker 4: age of five to nine, and she got this beautiful testimony.
Speaker 4: I posted it recently actually, and she'd done talk therapy
Speaker 4: for thirty years and it had not been healed and
Speaker 4: she did one process, my balancing process, and she got
Speaker 4: to the point of gratitude and love for her dad.
Speaker 4: Now that's hard to comprehend when people hear this. So DeMartini,
Speaker 4: he's my biggest se mentor, doctor John de Martini. He says,
Speaker 4: anything outside of loving gratitude is a lot side of perception.
Speaker 4: So it's like life happens for you, not too. How
Speaker 4: do you say that when you go through those types
Speaker 4: of things, you do a process where you don't just
Speaker 4: get it in your head, you get in your heart
Speaker 4: and you actually feel it and you're left with nothing
Speaker 4: but tears of love. So to tell most people that
Speaker 4: without going through it themselves, it's hard to comprehend that
Speaker 4: she did thirty years, didn't crack it. One session got
Speaker 4: it done.
Speaker 5: Also, getting a body on board is there's a sematic connection.
Speaker 4: There's five bodies to heal through mental That's what NLP
Speaker 4: talk therapy, Every cognitive stuff that's mental body, physical body
Speaker 4: is sematics. So if you've ever heard the issues are
Speaker 4: in the tissues where you store trauma or emotion in
Speaker 4: your physical tissues, bodywork or sematic work will help with
Speaker 4: that emotional body. I think is what you're referring to
Speaker 4: is the nervous system, and your emotions goes. You have
Speaker 4: suppressed emotions. That's where like a breath work or a
Speaker 4: screen or a rage or something like that can actually
Speaker 4: release that. You've got the energetic body. That's the one
Speaker 4: I'm most unfamiliar with. That's where like reiki healing, sound
Speaker 4: healing comes into But I worked with the reiki healer
Speaker 4: for six months just to try it because I don't
Speaker 4: know what the fuck it was. I'm not very much
Speaker 4: like beliefs, perceptions and practical stuff. I'm like, what the
Speaker 4: fuck is recking it? I still can't tell you what
Speaker 4: reco healing is. And then the fifth is the spiritual body.
Speaker 4: So that's your level of connectedness to presence, to the
Speaker 4: present moment, to God, source, universe, whatever you believe in,
Speaker 4: and how aligned and present and connected you are with that.
Speaker 4: So you just want to identify which body is most
Speaker 4: blocked for you or needs the most addressing for you.
Speaker 4: No ulternate martial art. Only the ulternate martial artist who
Speaker 4: knows every martial art and uses the right one at
Speaker 4: the right time to get the right result. I've had
Speaker 4: people like say this tool is better than this tool.
Speaker 4: I say, bullshit, right time, right place, So true. So
Speaker 4: I'm a breathwork facilitate and have heard breath work people
Speaker 4: say breathworks the best thing ever, like maybe at the
Speaker 4: right time. So anything that's pre cognitive, you've got no
Speaker 4: memories of it. So you were three months old and
Speaker 4: your mum was stressed and you took on her stress.
Speaker 4: So you have suppress emotions in your nervous system with
Speaker 4: no memory of it. So that's where NLP is going
Speaker 4: to do nothing or d Martin is going to do
Speaker 4: nothing because you've got nothing there, but your nervous system
Speaker 4: knows it. If you've read the book the Body keeps
Speaker 4: the score, This will Fouandercock. Your body's going to have
Speaker 4: that emotion in you. So that's where like a breath
Speaker 4: work where it actually knocks out your conscious mind and
Speaker 4: it just expresses anything that's in there is perfect for that. Yeah,
Speaker 4: right to a right place. If you're holding how everything
Speaker 4: looks like an al So yeah, it's just having all
Speaker 4: the tools. A bit of a quest I on in
Speaker 4: my journey is to become the ulterate martial artist. So
Speaker 4: anyone comes to me with anything, I can like figure
Speaker 4: out what it is. Then I have the right tool,
Speaker 4: pull it out, use it and get a breakthrough.
Speaker 3: Move on consistently expanding your tool.
Speaker 4: I aim to add two tools each year. So I
Speaker 4: want to do internal family systems. If you've heard of that, IFS,
Speaker 4: and I want to do psych K. I'm not sure
Speaker 4: if you've.
Speaker 2: Heard of that.
Speaker 4: So Bruce Lipton's talks about it, so he says it's good,
Speaker 4: So why not? So why not add to it? First?
Speaker 4: I go try it to receive it, to say okay,
Speaker 4: because some things don't work as well, some things work
Speaker 4: really well, but I don't see myself doing it. Reiki
Speaker 4: healing is a good example of that. I had great
Speaker 4: breakthroughs with Reikie. But I'm like, I don't think I'm
Speaker 4: going to be a reiki. I just don't feel like
Speaker 4: that's what. That's not me. Like client medicine. I'm not
Speaker 4: becoming a fucking sharman. I do it often. And I
Speaker 4: also I think you have to be born into that
Speaker 4: lineage to become a sharman.
Speaker 5: I think I'm going to charm it to that you
Speaker 5: just decide one day.
Speaker 4: I don't think you can do that that. Yeah, So
Speaker 4: for me, I go and try tools and I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 4: this was really meaningful to me. This actually gave me
Speaker 4: a shift. And if it's aligned with what I'm into,
Speaker 4: it's like, let's go get certified in that so I
Speaker 4: can add to the tiket.
Speaker 3: That's cool.
Speaker 1: I'd love to talk more about relationships because I know
Speaker 1: that you work. So do you work mainly with couples?
Speaker 1: And what would you say are the main issues that
Speaker 1: are arising in our generation?
Speaker 4: Send me to eighty percent of my clients with women.
Speaker 4: And the reason being, I think is I use the
Speaker 4: word healing a lot, and that's why I don't have
Speaker 4: anything to heal. I don't call myself a relationship coach.
Speaker 4: I call myself a transformation coach. And my work is
Speaker 4: magnified in relationships. So lifes and mirror if you've heard that.
Speaker 4: So when you get triggered or you judge someone, you
Speaker 4: project onto someone, it's something within you that they're mirroring
Speaker 4: back to you. Where does that happen the most relationships?
Speaker 4: So like you guys, I've met you once a couple
Speaker 4: of times indirectly yourself, but you guys don't see me
Speaker 4: when the dog's piste on the carpet. You haven't seen
Speaker 4: me when we've had financial pressure. You haven't seen me
Speaker 4: when I have a fucking sled properly, like you've seen
Speaker 4: some sides to me. I try to be authentic. If
Speaker 4: you answer ask a question, I'll give you my own answer,
Speaker 4: But you're not going to see the full spectrum of me,
Speaker 4: all parts of me. Who gets to see that, My
Speaker 4: wife gets the say do so just by proximity. Your
Speaker 4: relationships mirror you more than anything else. So true. So
Speaker 4: the things that I say you need for a conscious,
Speaker 4: healthy relationship. Number one, ownership of your own shit. So
Speaker 4: whenever you get triggered, it's not your partner, they're the
Speaker 4: mirror to you. It's actually you're just playing their part
Speaker 4: to marry you. I talk about triggers versus boundaries, which
Speaker 4: are come to you later. But first of all, responsibility
Speaker 4: of your own stuff. If you want to be in
Speaker 4: a conscious relationship and both partners don't have that, or
Speaker 4: one does and one doesn't, it's not gonna work because
Speaker 4: one person will grow here, integrate, work on themselves. The
Speaker 4: other partner is going to play victim and say it's
Speaker 4: your fold, it's your fault, it's your fault. That doesn't
Speaker 4: last forever. It eventually will fizzle out. Second point is
Speaker 4: you actually have real alignment with the vision of your relationship.
Speaker 4: What type of relationship do you want, what of sex,
Speaker 4: what type of communication, finances, travel, etc. What's the vision
Speaker 4: and what's your actual non negotiables? And I categorize non
Speaker 4: negotiables as I would leave this person if they didn't
Speaker 4: have it. You've got to be super black and white.
Speaker 4: So for me, self growth, intimacy, good communication, I want kids,
Speaker 4: and health. They're my main ones. I say three to
Speaker 4: seven because I've been on other podcasts about relationships and
Speaker 4: you hear these people have like one hundred checklists, this tall,
Speaker 4: this colorize, this income, all this shit. For me, that's
Speaker 4: over compensation from hurts. So that's a trauma response versus like,
Speaker 4: what are your actual non negotiables? No one's perfect. Everyone
Speaker 4: has downsides. And then third is you learn how to
Speaker 4: support and challenge each other towards the vision. That includes
Speaker 4: holding space and mean, empathetic and loving and supporting, and
Speaker 4: it's accountability sometimes kick them up the ass. My wife,
Speaker 4: There's been times where I've had some wounds and shame
Speaker 4: come up, and I've literally just cried my eyes out
Speaker 4: in front of her, and she's just held space and
Speaker 4: loved and supported me, and she's been time. So she said,
Speaker 4: be a fucking man of your word and step up.
Speaker 4: And I've said fuck you in the moment, but ego
Speaker 4: comes up fucking you. But I'm like, you know what,
Speaker 4: You're right, I said that and I didn't follow through it.
Speaker 4: Thank you for the accountability. So it's learning how do
Speaker 4: you do that in a healthy way to move towards
Speaker 4: said vision, Because if you're not a line and you
Speaker 4: try to hold your partner accountable to be someone, they
Speaker 4: don't want to be conflict. So they're the three pieces
Speaker 4: I recommend. And then it's like, how do you actually
Speaker 4: identify triggers, identify the wounds, support each other to heal
Speaker 4: through it. That's a more detailed conversation.
Speaker 5: You know, when people are like sabotaging their relationships or
Speaker 5: even subtizing business and purpose wherever the area, because usually
Speaker 5: if they do it in one area, they'll do it
Speaker 5: in most right, So you know, what do you think
Speaker 5: of like the main common things that people would do
Speaker 5: or behave in a way that would sabotage the exact
Speaker 5: thing that they're trying to work towards subtache.
Speaker 4: When it comes down to four pieces, so number one
Speaker 4: is they're not being themselves, so they're trying to be
Speaker 4: number two or someone else. That's where values and purpose
Speaker 4: come into it. So whenever you hear the words you
Speaker 4: have to, you ought to, you got too, you should,
Speaker 4: you must, you're supposed to, or a variation of those words,
Speaker 4: someone's projecting onto the other person. So if I said
Speaker 4: you should get sausage dogs, you should play video games,
Speaker 4: you should do things that you don't want to do,
Speaker 4: and you listen to it, you'll feel like shit. And
Speaker 4: I would sabotage those goals because they're not my goals.
Speaker 4: So again, know yourself, be authentic, know your values, know
Speaker 4: your purpose. That's the first piece. Second is limiting millions.
Speaker 4: I'm not enough, I'm too much, I'm ugly, I'm bad
Speaker 4: with money, I can't do this. Whatever beliefs you have,
Speaker 4: you make it right. So the ego human identity. Your
Speaker 4: ego has two main traits. Number one, it makes itself right.
Speaker 4: That's where whatever it believes, it makes it true. If
Speaker 4: you believe you can or you believe you can't, you're up.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 4: And Second, it avoids pain, So that's why you mentioned
Speaker 4: about like people avoiding the work because it's fucking painful.
Speaker 4: We want to hide from emotions for some reason. Third
Speaker 4: is trauma that gets a little bit deeper, but essentially,
Speaker 4: whatever trauma you have, you get triggered by it when
Speaker 4: something reminds you of it, and you'll also unconsciously protect
Speaker 4: yourself from it. Use rejection because it's a common one,
Speaker 4: So so you've got a wound around a rejection. Say,
Speaker 4: for example, you want to start posting content, but you
Speaker 4: don't want to get rejected, you won't post your content,
Speaker 4: so you're protecting yourself from experience in the trauma. Again.
Speaker 4: The last piece is practical, so it's like you just
Speaker 4: don't know what the fuck you're doing. If you go
Speaker 4: to someone who's never done business and you say go
Speaker 4: build a business, you're like, yeah, what did I start?
Speaker 4: So that's where the skills come into it. This is
Speaker 4: where first three pieces are mainly mental, emotional, psychological. Then
Speaker 4: it's actual tactics. Okay, you want to make all this money,
Speaker 4: but you don't know how to market, or you don't
Speaker 4: know how to sell, or you don't know how to
Speaker 4: productize or whatever the thing is. So sabotage for me
Speaker 4: has fallen into one of those four. I haven't found
Speaker 4: it something that doesn't fit into that which would cause it.
Speaker 4: So depending which one is causing it, that's what's causing
Speaker 4: the sabotage. Identify it. I talk about symptoms versus root causes.
Speaker 4: So have you had the theory of constraints before? No?
Speaker 4: Alex Pomosi you him listen late. So he uses it
Speaker 4: for business, but I'll give it a different analogy. So
Speaker 4: he says, the theory of constraints is a business will
Speaker 4: rise or grow to its lowest constraint. So so your
Speaker 4: marketing is a ten out of ten, your sales ability
Speaker 4: is a ten out of ten, but you're probably to
Speaker 4: one out of ten. That's the constraint, and most people
Speaker 4: in that circumstance try to get more leads and sales.
Speaker 4: It's like, that's not the problem. You're selling something that's shit,
Speaker 4: So fix that. That's your constraint, and then when you
Speaker 4: fix that, then it will rise to the next constraint.
Speaker 4: Maybe fulfillment, customer service, customer experience, or something else is
Speaker 4: the next constraint. So how I use it for a
Speaker 4: human though, is a human's life will rise to its
Speaker 4: lowest constraint. It will be a skill. You don't know
Speaker 4: what skill. You don't know what to do, you don't
Speaker 4: know how to set boundaries, you don't how to communicate,
Speaker 4: you don't know how to be a leader, etcetera. Or
Speaker 4: there's something mentally or emotionally within you that's sabotaging you
Speaker 4: from actually doing it. That's where you probably have some
Speaker 4: friends who know what to do, but they don't do
Speaker 4: what they know. They know what to do, they've got
Speaker 4: the skills, but they've got some belief that they are
Speaker 4: too much, that they're fucking stupid, they're not whatever, or
Speaker 4: they've got some trauma that they haven't addressed yet and
Speaker 4: they're trying to protect themselves from it. So again, what's
Speaker 4: the constraint that's essentially what I do for clients. What's
Speaker 4: the resistance that's keeping you stuck? What's the root cause
Speaker 4: of it? Let's address it, then you'll rise to the
Speaker 4: next one, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Speaker 5: So cool.
Speaker 3: So far that I do touch something on before is standards.
Speaker 4: Versus boundary Y trigger is best.
Speaker 3: Bad triggers are the first boundaries. I'd love to expand
Speaker 3: on that a little bit.
Speaker 4: A trigger is an activation, So there's sympathetic triggers that's
Speaker 4: like more anger, frustration, stress like activation, think of like
Speaker 4: stress response. But you also have the parasympathetic triggers, which
Speaker 4: is like disassociation, so like you switch off or you freeze.
Speaker 4: So essentially it's an activation out of homeostasis. So you've
Speaker 4: got your window of tolerance. So it's like your neutral connection.
Speaker 4: Feel safe to thank for each other, be silly being
Speaker 4: a child. Whenever you're knocked out of balance, you're in
Speaker 4: a triggered response. Something's triggered you. A boundary is a
Speaker 4: standard you hold people too. So I use a silly example.
Speaker 4: When I'm at home in my office, which I never leave.
Speaker 4: Whenever my door is closed, a boundary for me and
Speaker 4: my wife is don't come in. So I'm with clients,
Speaker 4: someone's crying, I'm working, I'm in flow. Don't fucking knock
Speaker 4: them out of float. Let me work. Say she barges
Speaker 4: into the office. If I turned around and I snapped
Speaker 4: at her and said get the fuck out, and I
Speaker 4: got triggered, that's me. So what is it that she's
Speaker 4: doing that's revealing something within me I haven't worked on,
Speaker 4: Because why can't I say, hey, my love is everything? Okay,
Speaker 4: anything urgent happened, no worries. I'll be free in thirty minutes.
Speaker 4: I'll get back to you.
Speaker 3: That what foils you to be angry though? That she's
Speaker 3: of course it's a trigger, still a trigger, triggar.
Speaker 4: Why can't you say my love is everything? Okay? Yeah? True?
Speaker 4: Because it's still a boundary. Yeah, So it's how again,
Speaker 4: how do you respond to it?
Speaker 5: So?
Speaker 4: What's your reaction to it? If you're getting snapped at it?
Speaker 4: So just don't judge your answers. So if your parents
Speaker 4: will partners watch this. They love you so much, don't
Speaker 4: judge your answers. Think of Dad Hoover played father figure
Speaker 4: for you. In one word answers, So, trauma is a
Speaker 4: trait or a behavior. They did something or didn't do
Speaker 4: something that was bad or painful for you. Okay, in
Speaker 4: a one word answer, what's the one thing you dislike
Speaker 4: most about Dad?
Speaker 3: Dismissive?
Speaker 4: Beautiful yours? Anger? So when someone dismisses you, it triggers you.
Speaker 4: When someone's angry towards you, it triggers you. Now you
Speaker 4: really then have coping mechanisms to overcompensate, protect and hide
Speaker 4: that part of you. What's the opposite of dismissive being heard?
Speaker 4: So you're trying to make everyone feel heard?
Speaker 3: Oh my god, yes, sort of anger softness.
Speaker 4: You try to be soft for people and make people
Speaker 4: feel soft and welcome and.
Speaker 3: Say probably, yeah, was green of people pleasing comes.
Speaker 4: Into that about people pleasing is a coping mechanism. So
Speaker 4: the most common ones for people pleasing is anger, rejection, dismissed, unheard, unloved, unseen.
Speaker 4: So it's like, this was painful, I don't want right now,
Speaker 4: that's me. So because you've had that pain, you don't
Speaker 4: want to do it to others. So you try to
Speaker 4: be the opposite, but it becomes a disowned or unloved
Speaker 4: part of who you are. You don't love the part
Speaker 4: of you who dismisses others. You do it, and your
Speaker 4: ego will come up and say, I don't do that, Yes,
Speaker 4: you fucking do.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I carries so much shame, so when you.
Speaker 4: Do it, you'll shame yourself for it.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: What if you're shame yourself for is a part of
Speaker 4: you you haven't learned to love yet. Because the lop
Speaker 4: side perception, you think dismissive is bad you think anger
Speaker 4: is bad. It's not. All events are neutral until a
Speaker 4: human filters it into polarization. So life is not good
Speaker 4: nor bad. Thinking just makes it so. Yes, it's that.
Speaker 4: Have you seen the movie Bruce All Mighty?
Speaker 5: Yes, but I don't fully revenge heard of it.
Speaker 4: Like Morgan Freeman plays God and he goes up to
Speaker 4: this woman and she's complaining about life, and I'm changing
Speaker 4: the words to get the message to the land harder
Speaker 4: by the sagig what he says. He says. You know,
Speaker 4: when you wish for strength, you don't get given strength.
Speaker 4: You have given problems and challenges that make you strong.
Speaker 4: When you wish for love, you often don't get love.
Speaker 4: You get people mean, unloving towards you to teach how
Speaker 4: to love yourself. I think you said Dad was angriage
Speaker 4: towards you. Yeah, that has gifted you with some of
Speaker 4: the gifts of who you are today, but you don't
Speaker 4: fully get it. You can intellectually start to think about it,
Speaker 4: and that makes sense when you get in your heart
Speaker 4: that you are the mother, you are the gift, you
Speaker 4: are the leader, you are the person you've impacted and
Speaker 4: all the people you've impacted because he was angry towards you,
Speaker 4: you'd be left with nothing but gratitude for him. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Well, I feel like I'm bouncing and out of it.
Speaker 3: Sometimes I have all that gratitude, and logically I'm.
Speaker 1: Like, yes, so grateful for that's intellectualizing, and if I yell,
Speaker 1: I'm like this, Yeah, that's where people that do a
Speaker 1: lot of nerp beliefs work.
Speaker 4: You can get really stuck in here, so you can
Speaker 4: intellectualize it all the fuck you want, but if it's
Speaker 4: still triggering you, it's still there. That's why I say
Speaker 4: I don't believe anyone's fully healed, because I've never met
Speaker 4: someone who's never triggered.
Speaker 3: Yeah, have you never?
Speaker 4: You never triggered?
Speaker 3: Triggered all the time, triggered four times this morning.
Speaker 4: So this is the game that I would love for you, ladies,
Speaker 4: and for the world to start doing. You've probably heard
Speaker 4: Licen mirror. Yes, your perception is a projection. So whenever
Speaker 4: you get triggered or whenever you judge someone, it is
Speaker 4: something within you. It's a part of you that you're
Speaker 4: seen in them that you don't like, that you think
Speaker 4: is bad, because all parts of the baby is worthy
Speaker 4: of love, right, You don't love the angry part of you.
Speaker 4: You don't love the dismissive part of you. So think
Speaker 4: of someone you don't like. You don't have to know
Speaker 4: the person, and don't use parents because his parents from them.
Speaker 4: Tell me where something comes to mine? And one word,
Speaker 4: what's the one thing you dislike most about that? But
Speaker 4: manipula it is find the one word behavior or trait.
Speaker 4: What are they doing or who are they being that
Speaker 4: you don't like? And this is where you attract your
Speaker 4: trauma into your life. So you'll attract people that dismiss
Speaker 4: you and manipulate you. My mast relationship, God, this is
Speaker 4: where the relationship content. I like ma from it because
Speaker 4: people are like, oh my god. Fuck yeah. So you
Speaker 4: will attract your unhill trauma into relationship.
Speaker 5: Oh my god, it was the thing they bothered me
Speaker 5: the most.
Speaker 4: She heard all the da I'm going to generalize because
Speaker 4: this is not always true, but it's very common, very common.
Speaker 4: Women will attract their dad into their relationship, and then
Speaker 4: men will attract their mother. Not all the time, because
Speaker 4: different dynamics. You will just attract the unhealed parts. So
Speaker 4: you attract anger into your life. You attract dismissive and manipulation,
Speaker 4: and you just keep it coming aware of it. What
Speaker 4: do you run away from? You run into its way?
Speaker 4: Do you push a beach ball underneath water? It's popping
Speaker 4: up somewhere else. What you run away from, you're running
Speaker 4: into the ironhill pass, the triggers, the projections, the parts
Speaker 4: of you that were painful, which makes sense because we're humans, painful,
Speaker 4: highly emotional minments that happen. We take a snap shot.
Speaker 4: That's a perception. So now that's bad. So now if
Speaker 4: I say, don't look for a yellow bus, what do
Speaker 4: you think of it?
Speaker 5: Everywhere?
Speaker 4: So you're living your life. I don't like anger. I
Speaker 4: don't like anger. I don't like anger. I don't like anger.
Speaker 4: You're looking about anger. I don't like manipulation. I don't
Speaker 4: like manipulations. So I don't want it. So you're looking for it. Yeah,
Speaker 4: you're trying to run away from it, but in doing so,
Speaker 4: running into it. And until you integrate it or heal it,
Speaker 4: you'll keep doing it. Then you can start doing the process,
Speaker 4: and start integrating, you get less triggered, you're more authentic,
Speaker 4: you love yourself more. Those constraints that you're normally hit
Speaker 4: will go away. An example of that. My loving brother.
Speaker 4: He called me jan firstus hit having New Years? What's
Speaker 4: your goals a year? What is twenty tweenty five? Flok
Speaker 4: like for you? He's like, I want to start a business.
Speaker 4: I want to heal myself more work myself like beautiful
Speaker 4: anwers and he's like, oh, and I want to start
Speaker 4: posting content. I obviously post a lot of content. So
Speaker 4: I'm like, that's awesome. I said, when are you gonna
Speaker 4: start posting? And it got treated? You know, what are
Speaker 4: you protecting yourself from by not posting? Judgment? He got
Speaker 4: bullied as a kid. Yeah, So again that's the threshold.
Speaker 4: That's the glass ceiling that people run into. If you
Speaker 4: say you get in your own way. This is what
Speaker 4: it means. So once you heal these things, you would
Speaker 4: just be able to be more of who you are.
Speaker 3: So there's a lord of ownship.
Speaker 5: Hay.
Speaker 1: Is that interesting? With the partner things? I feel like
Speaker 1: with my husband, he's the opposite of angry. Did I
Speaker 1: unconsciously attract that because I'm avoiding anger.
Speaker 4: Once you heal, the trait doesn't go away, you just
Speaker 4: stop looking for it. So I use erratic Actually, so
Speaker 4: my first process I did it on my dad. Dad
Speaker 4: was erratic. There's a story I shared my book. My
Speaker 4: brother and him had this like really aggressive swearing fight
Speaker 4: throughout the house. I think I was like ten years old.
Speaker 4: I think so my brother would be about twelve years old.
Speaker 4: My brother runs down the hallway, locks himself in his room,
Speaker 4: and my room's like right next to his room, and
Speaker 4: I'm like anxious as and freaking out. Dad comeplay with
Speaker 4: smashes on his door, and he actually breaks the door
Speaker 4: down to get into my brother, and I'm disassociated, so
Speaker 4: I can't actually remember what happened after that. So that
Speaker 4: was a raddick. That was the trait anger ratic kind
Speaker 4: of friends of each old. I do this process on it.
Speaker 4: Heart opens, tears, gratitude, blah blah blah blah. And then
Speaker 4: from that moment one I stopped feeling scared around my dad.
Speaker 4: So I actually drove my dad to the airport two
Speaker 4: days later from that process, and I would always feel
Speaker 4: anxious around my dad. Resistance, the resistance you avoid in
Speaker 4: life is what keeps you stuck. So wherever you have
Speaker 4: emotional resistance, there's something for you to work on there. Georgia,
Speaker 4: my wife, we did a process a lying that was
Speaker 4: one from her dad. So because that was painful, she's
Speaker 4: always looking for my lies. Everyone fucking lies. You lie,
Speaker 4: you like everyone lies. Simply did the process and in
Speaker 4: school because she didn't realize it, because she's like, oh,
Speaker 4: she's had that belief unbroken. Nothing works with me topic.
Speaker 4: So we do that process online and then three four
Speaker 4: months later something another trigger of hers popped up, and
Speaker 4: I'm like, let's sell process on it when we're ready.
Speaker 4: Don't do processes in the moment, by the way, like
Speaker 4: get through it when you're.
Speaker 3: Triggered in I don't read.
Speaker 4: So I talk about maintenance tools and progress tools. Maintenance
Speaker 4: is what you do in the moment to maintain yourself
Speaker 4: in the moment. Breath work, grounding, soothing, reframing can help
Speaker 4: with that. I've got like eight tools are used, and
Speaker 4: then progress tools is integrating what came up so you
Speaker 4: don't have to then regulate yourself every two seconds anyways.
Speaker 4: So we regulate through it and she's like, but this
Speaker 4: shit never worked for me. I'm like, babe, what's the
Speaker 4: last process we did? And it was lying? I said,
Speaker 4: have you noticed different? I just like I haven't been
Speaker 4: triggered by line Since we did that, the trait won't
Speaker 4: go away. You'll stop being resistant to You're stop judging
Speaker 4: yourself for it, stop shaming yourself for it, and you'
Speaker 4: stop getting triggered by it because you're not looking for it.
Speaker 4: You're not like, where's the anger? Where's the anger? I
Speaker 4: don't like anger. It's not there anymore.
Speaker 5: Does that mean you'll also not be unconsciously trying to
Speaker 5: squash it when it comes up, So you'll actually be
Speaker 5: able to just like be that expression in the moment
Speaker 5: and then not feel like, oh shit, I have to
Speaker 5: hide this from the first end of.
Speaker 4: It before you integrate. It's an unloved part of who
Speaker 4: you are, so you try to suppress it, just spot on.
Speaker 4: So once you then learn to integrate, oh my god,
Speaker 4: it's a part of who I am. I do it
Speaker 4: in all areas in my life. People have seen me
Speaker 4: do it. There's all these benefits that come along with it.
Speaker 4: So it's not a bad trait. It's just a part
Speaker 4: of being a human. Have your kids been angry before? Perfect?
Speaker 4: So it's part of being a human. That baby analogue
Speaker 4: is so good. Every part of the baby is lovable.
Speaker 4: But yet we don't love every part of ourselves interesting.
Speaker 4: So yes, once you learn to love it, you're okay
Speaker 4: being it. Again, there's preference. Do I prefer to be
Speaker 4: honest and dishonest? Of course I do, But I'm okay
Speaker 4: being dishonest. Is there a polite way and right time
Speaker 4: to light with your kids? But whatever, And that's why
Speaker 4: it's appropriate to it because it's not a bad trait.
Speaker 4: But again, the only problem you had is you think
Speaker 4: you have a problem because I'm not saying don't be loving,
Speaker 4: because you said anger and you said the opolight like
Speaker 4: loving or caring. So I'm not saying don't be this.
Speaker 4: But if you're doing it because you're over compensating, that's
Speaker 4: the problem because you have resistance to it. Reverve the resistance,
Speaker 4: then free choice. Maybe it's like, fuck, I feel i've
Speaker 4: been angry in the bedrooms. It's not going to be
Speaker 4: angry in the bedroom sometimes. Fuck yeah. But if you
Speaker 4: think it's bad, and this actually side note, because you
Speaker 4: mentioned sex and relationships, the more healing you do, the
Speaker 4: better your sex becomes. Because if you think of relationships
Speaker 4: being the ultimate mirror, sex in the bedroom is like
Speaker 4: amplifies that even more. You're literally giving everything about you
Speaker 4: to be received or rejected, So any parts of you
Speaker 4: that you think about, you're trying to hide that in
Speaker 4: the bedroom.
Speaker 5: I feel like when you do this work, you realized
Speaker 5: in the scope, like how little you actually know. It's
Speaker 5: like the more that you en oh my god, the
Speaker 5: more that you open up, you're like, holy shit, I
Speaker 5: know nothing.
Speaker 1: Well, they're holding in on what you've learned and what
Speaker 1: you're wanting to teach your audience, but you realize is so.
Speaker 5: So much more. There's so much more to expand. It's
Speaker 5: always like what you're saying, there's always something to learn
Speaker 5: and grow and heal with.
Speaker 3: In one way, there's another thing.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, so cool that it's exciting but also really
Speaker 1: scary and uncomfortable.
Speaker 3: I could build myself getting emotional.
Speaker 4: And that's resistance is the sign there's something there.
Speaker 3: I'd love to know.
Speaker 5: If there was one piece of advice based on everything
Speaker 5: that you know, and you could only leave them with
Speaker 5: one thing before you do or you die, what would
Speaker 5: I eat?
Speaker 4: I have two, but if I had to pick one,
Speaker 4: it would follow too.
Speaker 3: We'll give you two.
Speaker 4: Follow what inspires you. It will lead you to your
Speaker 4: purpose and vision. So just follow that don't listen to
Speaker 4: the projections have to got to you should mask what
Speaker 4: actually inspires you authentically follow that breadcrumb trail. And the
Speaker 4: second part is be aware of your projecting and triggers.
Speaker 4: They're showing the parts of you haven't worked on, So
Speaker 4: work on that to allow you to pursue the breadcrumbs
Speaker 4: even further efficiently.
Speaker 3: So important, good, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: And you do one day courses, three day courses, book
Speaker 1: and one on one coaching and where can they find
Speaker 1: your booking?
Speaker 4: Lewis accept across social Media's Instagram where I'm most active personally.
Speaker 1: Believe all your details in the show up yellow, anyone
Speaker 1: can access to you.
Speaker 5: But thank you so much for coming. We're Impredius's been amazing.
Speaker 3: We'll see you on Men's Day.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 5: Wh