Speaker 1: Apogee Production.
Speaker 2: I need your advice.
Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much.
Speaker 1: Bring it in.
Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you. Hello,
Speaker 2: and welcome back to another episode of She Rises with
Speaker 2: your favorite co host Ashan Tiana Bestie Segment. We have
Speaker 2: another bestie advice segment for you today and a question.
Speaker 2: This one is a really tough one, so we're going
Speaker 2: to get straight into it.
Speaker 1: Alrighty, let's do it. Hey, ladies, I love the pod
Speaker 1: and I would love your advice and thoughts on a
Speaker 1: situation that I'm in. My partner I've been together coming
Speaker 1: up ten years and we get married in a few weeks.
Speaker 1: We have two beautiful boys, age three and six. We
Speaker 1: both got pretty content with the two kids that we have.
Speaker 1: Then a few years back, we accidentally got pregnant. It
Speaker 1: was a huge shock and my partner really struggled with
Speaker 1: the idea of having three kids. Whilst it was a
Speaker 1: shock at first, my heart opened and I was so
Speaker 1: excited to welcome another little human to our family. We
Speaker 1: find out we were having a little girl. Then tragically,
Speaker 1: at fourteen weeks, we lost her. Heartbroken, doesn't begin to
Speaker 1: describe how we felt, and once I recovered physically, I
Speaker 1: was left with this gaping hole in my heart and
Speaker 1: I longed for another baby and I still do. My partner, however,
Speaker 1: does not, and no matter how much I try and
Speaker 1: negotiate it, at times, I beg he won't come around.
Speaker 1: This makes the pain worse because he can see how
Speaker 1: much I want it, but is still holding strong to
Speaker 1: not having another baby. If we didn't have kids and
Speaker 1: this was happening, I honestly don't know if we would
Speaker 1: stay together wow, but we do, and I'm not willing
Speaker 1: to block up our family unit because of it. However,
Speaker 1: I resent him for not finding a way to make
Speaker 1: it work as I would do for him if the
Speaker 1: roles were reversed. How do I move forward and not
Speaker 1: let this heartache impact me and our relationship further? Firstly,
Speaker 1: so sorry for your loss, Like I can't even begin
Speaker 1: to imagine. It's just so sad, how common it is
Speaker 1: and how many women and husbands and families have to
Speaker 1: go through that, and it's just absolutely devastating. So my heart,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2: The grieving process of that. No one can even comprehend
Speaker 2: what that would feel like. No true, and it's a
Speaker 2: really lonely thing as well, you go through it alone
Speaker 2: with your love.
Speaker 1: People about no. I see both sides here. I didn't
Speaker 1: think either is wrong. And I also when you say, like,
Speaker 1: if roles were reversed, you would make it happen, like
Speaker 1: you actually don't know that. You don't know how you
Speaker 1: would feel if roles were reversed. And I think it's
Speaker 1: so okay for your heart to design more children and
Speaker 1: for you to want that. And I also think it's
Speaker 1: really okay that he doesn't want anymore, and he's really
Speaker 1: strong on that, and I respect him for voicing that,
Speaker 1: because if he was to just bow down and do
Speaker 1: what you want to have another kid, that resentment he
Speaker 1: might have builds up, and like, you don't want that
Speaker 1: on your shoulders either, and then with that impact your
Speaker 1: relationship later on, because he doesn't get as much time
Speaker 1: for you, he's more stretched, he's not as patient, he
Speaker 1: earn more money to provide for the family, and it's
Speaker 1: like this whole extra load, which is really valid. Having
Speaker 1: children is a huge responsibility and it's a lot. And
Speaker 1: if he feels like he's at full capacity, he's at
Speaker 1: full capacity for telling you Yeah, he's being really honest
Speaker 1: and open about that, and I don't think it's something
Speaker 1: he should be forced or pressured into. If roles were
Speaker 1: reversed and he was pressuring you to do something, it
Speaker 1: wouldn't feel very good, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a lifelong resentment if he were to do
Speaker 2: something that he didn't want, and roles are reverse, same
Speaker 2: thing for you. If he wanted children and you didn't
Speaker 2: want to, but you did it for him, you would
Speaker 2: then resent him for that decision, And that's a lifelong
Speaker 2: commitment to resentment of which is a really hard thing,
Speaker 2: and I think it can be a really hard thing
Speaker 2: to come to terms with, especially the disappointment of not
Speaker 2: getting on, especially around bringing another child into the world.
Speaker 2: But also one the fact that you guys have both
Speaker 2: been honest about where you're at is a really good
Speaker 2: sign in your relationship that you both can be honest,
Speaker 2: which means that it's a safe place. I think that's important.
Speaker 2: But I do think in reallyationships there is some level
Speaker 2: of compromise that would happen, and unfortunately, this is just
Speaker 2: one of those really sticky situations where you both are
Speaker 2: really strong on something and are struggling to find common
Speaker 2: ground with it.
Speaker 1: I honestly wish I had to answer few on how
Speaker 1: to not make the ache so strong for you and
Speaker 1: the desire, But I don't have an answer for you.
Speaker 1: I think if I was in your situation, and remember
Speaker 1: this is like just advice that we would give each
Speaker 1: other if we would go through this. Whenever something isn't
Speaker 1: kind of going my way or I feel like there
Speaker 1: isn't an option, I have to surrender to that and
Speaker 1: let go of that outcome that I was desiring. I
Speaker 1: try and lean on gratitude. Yeah, I went through this situation.
Speaker 1: It's different. But when I was trying to fall pregnant
Speaker 1: with Tala, it took us eleven months, and every single
Speaker 1: month that I got a negative pregnancy test, I was
Speaker 1: so heartbroken, so disappointed. But what got me through was
Speaker 1: one trusting the universe and it's timing too. Leaning on gratitude,
Speaker 1: I was like, I am so grateful I have a
Speaker 1: healthy little boy with me. Some families never get the
Speaker 1: opportunity to even have a baby. Some women are not
Speaker 1: even falling pregnant. So the fact that I had one
Speaker 1: healthy baby, I was like, if this is meant for
Speaker 1: our family just to be a dynamic of three. I'm
Speaker 1: so grateful for that. Yeah, and it helped me let
Speaker 1: go of the pain and disappointment of not having another baby.
Speaker 1: So I don't know if that's helpful. I don't know
Speaker 1: if that is something that you can compromise on and
Speaker 1: accept and let go and just like lean on your
Speaker 1: little boys and enjoy what you do have. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's the full solution or answer, But if Tiana
Speaker 1: was coming to me with this, and if I was
Speaker 1: going through what you were going through, that is what
Speaker 1: I would think I would lean on.
Speaker 2: I think that's beautiful. That's a good way to like
Speaker 2: kind of have like a reframe. A reframe, Yeah, we
Speaker 2: have to do in life for sure times. The other
Speaker 2: thing that you can kind of look at within this
Speaker 2: dynamic is obviously there's a really strong pool to you
Speaker 2: wanting to have another child, and there's again nothing wrong
Speaker 2: with that, it's really beautiful. But what could be really
Speaker 2: cool for you to look at is what do you
Speaker 2: think having a third child is going to give you? Like,
Speaker 2: is there a certain feeling, a certain experience, a certain
Speaker 2: sense of fulfillment that maybe you're seeking. Curious if that's
Speaker 2: maybe something that you are able to fulfill yourself temporarily,
Speaker 2: do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Kids that I don't know. I don't think. I don't
Speaker 1: think so only because I've had that pull and desire
Speaker 1: when I decided I want another baby. Yeah, that's all
Speaker 1: I thought about it, that's all I wanted. Like, nothing
Speaker 1: could feel that voy because once you've had a baby, like,
Speaker 1: you just know that feeling. Yeah, because I feel for
Speaker 1: her on that, I get I can see where you're
Speaker 1: coming from. But it's just such a different desire. Nothing
Speaker 1: fulfills that, and nothing makes your heart explode more than
Speaker 1: babies like yeah, own children, Like it's just the most beautiful.
Speaker 1: I can see why women go back for more and more.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, I guess because I haven't had that feeling before,
Speaker 2: I can't fully understand that. Yeah, I think I'm just thinking. Okay, well,
Speaker 2: if right now, temporarily there's nothing that you guys can
Speaker 2: kind of compromise on, how can you look within and go, okay,
Speaker 2: what is it that I'm seeking?
Speaker 1: What am I wanting more of connection? More love or
Speaker 1: connection more love?
Speaker 2: And I create that in my current life now and
Speaker 2: then go, okay, I still want that, and that's okay.
Speaker 2: That you want that, and then exploring what that might
Speaker 2: look like moving forward.
Speaker 1: I also haven't had gender disappointment, but I've had a
Speaker 1: lot of girlfriends that have had gender disappointment when they've
Speaker 1: had multiple boys and they're wanting a girl. So I
Speaker 1: think that desire for a girl is so real for
Speaker 1: a lot of girls. Yeah, Like I said, I can't
Speaker 1: relate personally, I actually wanted boys, but the friends that
Speaker 1: I've watched go through it, it was so real, like
Speaker 1: finding out they were having another boy, they were like devastated,
Speaker 1: And it's something a lot a lot of people talk
Speaker 1: about because so shamely should be grateful that, yeah, pregnantly
Speaker 1: healthy babyaby, yeah, and all that can be there, and
Speaker 1: you can still be disappointed, of course. And I know
Speaker 1: I've got such a beautiful relationship with my mum, so
Speaker 1: I can see how that desires so real. So I
Speaker 1: think that would be playing on her too. I assume
Speaker 1: that's an assumption, but I'm assuming that's there as well.
Speaker 1: You feel like you're almost missing out on that experience
Speaker 1: of having a baby girl.
Speaker 2: I think what would be cool is to get curious
Speaker 2: about is this really like a non negotiable for you?
Speaker 2: Like is it really something that you are so one
Speaker 2: hundred and ten percent set on that you were like,
Speaker 2: I am just not done, or is it a conversation
Speaker 2: of this is something I able to compromise on because
Speaker 2: when I love my family, I love the dynamic, I
Speaker 2: love my partner, I love all the things, and I
Speaker 2: would be happy with the life that we have right now.
Speaker 2: Where do you fall in that foo daily?
Speaker 1: Because if it's a non negotiable, you do actually have
Speaker 1: the choice to leave and find someone.
Speaker 2: That's right.
Speaker 1: My children, that's right.
Speaker 2: And that's why I'm saying that, because I think it's
Speaker 2: important to really figure out where you sit on the scale.
Speaker 2: Maybe right now it's like the lines of blurred, it's.
Speaker 1: Not really blowing off the family unit. Yeah, I did
Speaker 1: say that when I used to speak to my friends.
Speaker 1: If this is coming into play the whole gender disappointment.
Speaker 1: When I wanted two boys, I had so many people
Speaker 1: be like, oh my gosh, don't you want a daughter
Speaker 1: to experience that? But all my friends had had daughters. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was like, if it's to be the cool Auntie ken,
Speaker 1: I'm a missing out, Yes, Like I don't feel like
Speaker 1: I'm missing out at all. They would definitely come to me.
Speaker 1: I could take them for the nail dates and turn
Speaker 1: up to their formal and be there for their boy
Speaker 1: advice and go on holidays. Like, I don't think I
Speaker 1: was going to miss out because I just found other
Speaker 1: ways to get that little girl fun in connection. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like you wanted what you wanted and that was
Speaker 1: perfect for you. Yeah. I don't know if that's helpful
Speaker 1: at all of my You might be listening being like
Speaker 1: I don't want nieces, I want my daughter, you know
Speaker 1: I get that, Yeah for sure, But yeah I wish
Speaker 1: I had solutions. But that's the advice I would give. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but we're sending you so much love what you're going through.
Speaker 1: I think your heart's still grieving too.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think over time maybe it might not feel as painful,
Speaker 1: But right now it sounds like you're in the thick
Speaker 1: of the grief and the frustration of wanting your desires
Speaker 1: and not being able to get it.
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is giving yourself permission to
Speaker 2: feel the disappointment. Yeah, like really letting it in, really
Speaker 2: letting yourself grieve it, feel it, cry it out, get frustrated,
Speaker 2: scream in the car, hit the pillows all of it,
Speaker 2: Like let that energy out of your body, you know,
Speaker 2: because it is so important to you and you are
Speaker 2: going to feel that level of frustration, and better to
Speaker 2: feel through it than to, you know, continue stacking that
Speaker 2: against your partner because at the end of the day,
Speaker 2: you guys are a team. Yeah, you know, it's not
Speaker 2: you verse him, it's you and him versus the problem. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Another thing I would do to is get a relationship coach. Yeah,
Speaker 1: when Eversteve and I have gone through something where we're
Speaker 1: just struggling to meet either they didn't have to be
Speaker 1: a big blow up, just something where we're disagreeing or
Speaker 1: it's causing friction or we think it's going to cause resentment,
Speaker 1: and we just need like an outside perspective, having someone
Speaker 1: sit with you and be the mediator and help hear
Speaker 1: each other's point of views more clearly and maybe come
Speaker 1: up with different avenues to go down or trial. Like,
Speaker 1: I think that would be super helpful if you guys
Speaker 1: are both open to it. It could be one session,
Speaker 1: or it could be going once a month for the
Speaker 1: next six months, just to explore to see how you
Speaker 1: can both heal your hearts and meet in the middle.
Speaker 1: Because it sounds like you're almost like separating from wanting
Speaker 1: different things.
Speaker 2: I think that's a beautiful day.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but sending lots of.
Speaker 2: Love to you. Give us an update, let us know
Speaker 2: how you go, what you think of this, and any
Speaker 2: more contacts that you might have, or if there's any
Speaker 2: more conversations that you guys have had. We'd love to
Speaker 2: hear about it.
Speaker 1: And you're also more than welcome to slide into our
Speaker 1: DMS as well. You can stay in onymous like anything
Speaker 1: that comes in, like a lot of our submissions we've done,
Speaker 1: like even the Herpies one. Yeah, the girl reached out
Speaker 1: and she was like, thank you so much for dissolving
Speaker 1: my shame. And it's really nice to hear from you guys.
Speaker 1: So if you ever want to reach out too, like
Speaker 1: it will stay in the vould be for you. We'd
Speaker 1: love an update. And if you're listening and you're like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I'm in the sticky situation, I would
Speaker 1: love their advice. We've got a link. It's in our
Speaker 1: Facebook forum. It's also in the description box below.
Speaker 2: Click it.
Speaker 1: We can't see who writes it out. Give us as
Speaker 1: much context as possible, and your sticky situation with the
Speaker 1: next episode.
Speaker 2: Yeah, sounds good and well, hopefully we'll see you then.
Speaker 1: Bye ladies, Bye,