1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,520 Speaker 1: Fits and we absolutely adore this lady. And if you 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,559 Speaker 1: need advice on parenting is the woman that you need 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,959 Speaker 1: to speak to. She's got a Well, it's not a 4 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: brand new podcast. This is season five parental as anything, 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: which is out today. It is the magnificent Maggie Your money, 6 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:22,919 Speaker 1: Oh my god, Series five. 7 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 2: Congratulations Maggie. People love this and you're it's amazing whenever 8 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:30,680 Speaker 2: you come on this show. The listeners that have kids, 9 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:34,560 Speaker 2: and certainly everybody in our studio is hanging off every word. 10 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:37,559 Speaker 3: Yeah. I think it's that palpable sigh of release that 11 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:41,600 Speaker 3: you know, good enough parents can still raise, you know, 12 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,920 Speaker 3: really awesome kids and we all lose it some days. 13 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 3: And we're not lousing, not bad, We're just human. 14 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,040 Speaker 2: Maggie. Can I ask? This is a big one for everybody, 15 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:53,240 Speaker 2: and it's certainly very prominent with my kids at the moment. 16 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:57,160 Speaker 2: But they've discovered screens Ted and Jack, so they're seven 17 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,120 Speaker 2: and five, the iPads as a Nintendo switch and obviously 18 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:04,440 Speaker 2: a TV. But I feel the pressure as a parent 19 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,960 Speaker 2: to go, all right, well, if that's their interest, I 20 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,319 Speaker 2: need to create something outdoors that's more interesting than that. 21 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,280 Speaker 2: So is that the best approach? To try and break 22 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 2: the habit of just coming home and jumping on a screen. 23 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 3: You're absolutely right because we know that especially you know, 24 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 3: right up to ten, there's so many developmental things that 25 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 3: are still growing in our kids, you know, the critical 26 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,400 Speaker 3: windows up to five. And I just my heart aches, 27 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,320 Speaker 3: you know when I see parents distracting their kids of 28 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,119 Speaker 3: the screen, you know, while I go shopping, because that's 29 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 3: actually where you're supposed to be talking about where the 30 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,280 Speaker 3: bread is and the milk is and what that is 31 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,600 Speaker 3: and funny color and what colors yogurt do you want? 32 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 3: So we're not getting as much language. But you're absolutely right. 33 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:44,160 Speaker 3: The other things is an absence. So it's the displacement 34 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 3: effect of screen. So that means our kids don't spend 35 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 3: as much time outside, which means they're melotonin levels can 36 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 3: be different. That means I don't sleep as well. We 37 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 3: also need them to run around adjusting their eyeballs. We've 38 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 3: had an increase in myopia, which we believe, yeah, because 39 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 3: the eyeballs need to stretch and if you're looking at 40 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,000 Speaker 3: a screen that's really close by. We have four year 41 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,839 Speaker 3: olds turning up at physiotherapists with chronic posture problems because 42 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 3: I haven't hung by their body weight to strengthen their 43 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,320 Speaker 3: shoulder girdles and their wrists, and they can't write. So 44 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:21,640 Speaker 3: can you see? It's a really screen And you know 45 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:25,200 Speaker 3: absolutely that I still believe the best screen you need 46 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 3: to to save your sanity go and have a pool 47 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 3: in peace, or get some dinner cooked is stick in 48 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 3: front of a TV that has no advertisements, if possible. 49 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,639 Speaker 3: And you know they can't adjust the smartphone zoom over 50 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,200 Speaker 3: to Netflix while you're not looking, because they're quite capable 51 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 3: at four and five years of age and find your contact. 52 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 3: That is extremely, extremely damaging for children of any age. 53 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,359 Speaker 1: Maggie. We've been getting some great questions from our listeners. 54 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,280 Speaker 1: One of them is, my four year old comes into 55 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,960 Speaker 1: our bed every night. This is from Kristen, and takes 56 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 1: at least an hour and a half to go to sleep. 57 00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:02,760 Speaker 1: It is driving insane. Any tips for the kids coming 58 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 1: into bed and wanting to sleep in there. 59 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,239 Speaker 3: Maggie, Oh, look we do, and we've got a fabulous 60 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 3: episode coming up. No, I want to say that is 61 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:13,400 Speaker 3: absolutely developmentally quite normal for children. Remember where there's safest 62 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 3: place is to compliment because it is actually right next 63 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 3: to you, and so in their day, what we're finding 64 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 3: is also the busy day that they have their little brain. 65 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 3: We do that too, but us women do it way 66 00:03:24,919 --> 00:03:27,359 Speaker 3: longer than men. You take about three seconds. Us women 67 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,280 Speaker 3: are still doing it two in the morning. We go 68 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 3: through what has happened in the day, and often that 69 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 3: is you know, that can keep them a little unsettled. 70 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,880 Speaker 3: But also they need to be able to get into 71 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,960 Speaker 3: what we call predictability, because predictability in routines is what 72 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 3: the brain says, oh, I know what happens next, which 73 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 3: is while we talk about bedtime routines. And so one 74 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 3: of my challenges is if it's not a problem and 75 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,240 Speaker 3: everyone sleeping, it's not a problem, and co sleeping needs 76 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,360 Speaker 3: to be seen, is not a problem. It's not a 77 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 3: sign again of a lowsy parent. But if a parent 78 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,520 Speaker 3: is a light sleeper and it's causing a problem and 79 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 3: the other parent can't coast and let the other one 80 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 3: in the spare room, then we do need to look 81 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 3: at what other ways, And usually we just thick the 82 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,119 Speaker 3: mattress on the floor beside it. Usually a superoity rinds 83 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 3: up on that. But I went to every now and 84 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,160 Speaker 3: then you might try and make them think it's an 85 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 3: exciting thing to go and sleep in their own room. 86 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 3: And if it's not working again, Look, we're we're still 87 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,440 Speaker 3: in the midst of a pandemic. They're picking up our anxiety, 88 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 3: they're picking up crazy stuff going around in the world. 89 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,200 Speaker 3: They're hearing about war. No wonder they want to get 90 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,360 Speaker 3: back in our bed. We've just had massive floods. So 91 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:33,120 Speaker 3: our kids in them heightened world, They're safest place is 92 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,520 Speaker 3: next to their spaces. So one day you'll dread it 93 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 3: because I want to sleep with someone and you don't like. 94 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 2: That, Maggie, what about this one. There's a fine line 95 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,200 Speaker 2: and I don't know where it is, but of how 96 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,400 Speaker 2: hard to push them? And I'll give you an example. 97 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,800 Speaker 2: I signed the boys up for nippers. They didn't want 98 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:52,480 Speaker 2: to do it, and I just don't know where that 99 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 2: line is where I say to them, look, I'm never 100 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,320 Speaker 2: going to force you until you have to do that, 101 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 2: but I want you to trust me when I really 102 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:02,039 Speaker 2: encourage it. How do you get them to do things 103 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 2: if they're not okay? 104 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,240 Speaker 3: So the very first thing is one of the biggest drivers, 105 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:08,840 Speaker 3: even with little children, is that they do want to 106 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 3: have some agency in autonomy and making those calls. So 107 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,600 Speaker 3: once again they can come home and all my mates 108 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,800 Speaker 3: are doing soccers, I want to do it, or an 109 00:05:15,839 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 3: actual fact that it might be a lamb or a 110 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 3: low energy child who can do it for two weeks 111 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,840 Speaker 3: and then just needs not to do it anymore. So 112 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 3: again we actually have that insight that they don't have, 113 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 3: so we might sit down and go, okay, so this 114 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,720 Speaker 3: is the deal. We might forewarn them that there are 115 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,440 Speaker 3: going to be some mornings it's going to be really 116 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,360 Speaker 3: cold and you won't want to go, but you know what, 117 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 3: when you've signed up, we actually have to turn up 118 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 3: because it's about a team. And also there will be 119 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,520 Speaker 3: times when you might have to sit on the sidelines 120 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,800 Speaker 3: and instead of being on because it's not your term, 121 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,000 Speaker 3: and that might be a little bit uncomfortable. So we 122 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 3: forewarn them about some of the things that they may 123 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,520 Speaker 3: be challenged with. Then we say, now, how are you 124 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,280 Speaker 3: feeling now about doing it or would you like to 125 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,839 Speaker 3: leave it another another year when you're older and got 126 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 3: bigger muscles or stronger or sure braver, right, And then 127 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 3: we kind of give them a bit of a sense 128 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,719 Speaker 3: of what is to come, because sometimes I just want 129 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:05,200 Speaker 3: to do it because whoo, I think they are the 130 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,599 Speaker 3: things we have to factor in when we talk to kids, 131 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,159 Speaker 3: you know, and not make too many commitments. But are 132 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,240 Speaker 3: we going to stick to one? If your deal is 133 00:06:13,279 --> 00:06:16,719 Speaker 3: you've got to do at least half the season, okay, 134 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,920 Speaker 3: you're going to pull out. You've only got four more weeks. 135 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,840 Speaker 3: Three more weeks too much? And then usually by then, 136 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,080 Speaker 3: if they've really actually it's a bit more fun than 137 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 3: I thought, they sometimes finish. 138 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 1: It all right, Maggie, Let's go into the teenage years now, 139 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:31,839 Speaker 1: because we've got a twelve year old, a beautiful twelve 140 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 1: year old here we Go, is very reserved, a lovely boy, 141 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 1: but he is turning thirteen this year, and there's already 142 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:43,040 Speaker 1: signs now of a bit of pushback with mum and dad. 143 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,680 Speaker 1: Stacey's also written into the show and said, at what 144 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,919 Speaker 1: point do teenagers stop being jerks to their parents and 145 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,360 Speaker 1: hating life? So what do we expect over the next 146 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,520 Speaker 1: couple of years. Maggie, Oh my. 147 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,680 Speaker 3: God, you know how I'm really passionate about them because 148 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,440 Speaker 3: they're the ones I taught and counseled most. So one 149 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,279 Speaker 3: of the things that we do it feels a little 150 00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 3: bit like, particularly for boys. Girls get a bit sassy 151 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 3: a bit early with their you know, because they can 152 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 3: be more sassy anyway. But boys suddenly kind of it 153 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 3: feels like an alien stole them and put this other 154 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 3: thing in place that just is alike. WHOA where that 155 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,120 Speaker 3: comes from? Okay, So firstly, it's developmentally normal. Your son 156 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,679 Speaker 3: or your daughter did not ask for this journey to begin. 157 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,520 Speaker 3: They have lots of changes going on that make them 158 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 3: feel really a bit stressed. So their hormones are changing, 159 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 3: their bodies changing, their brains changing, there's all these changes. 160 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 3: They wake up going, what the heck, there's a wet 161 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 3: page in my bed? What the heck? Yeah, And then 162 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,080 Speaker 3: as we're evolving, they're supposed to push us back a 163 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,600 Speaker 3: bit because they need to have some tastes of more 164 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,360 Speaker 3: autonomy and freedom. And I think the biggest one that's 165 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 3: hard to understand is the brain changes. The brain's trying 166 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,880 Speaker 3: to prune that child brain to help it become a 167 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 3: growing up adult brain. So it gets rid of some 168 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 3: stuff it thinks it's not using. But that can mean 169 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 3: they can get more forgetful, they can get more disorganized, 170 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 3: andy get far more intense emotionally. Now We've got the 171 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 3: neuro science to show this. So I think my challenge 172 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,240 Speaker 3: to you is find you know, and I've got heaps 173 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,800 Speaker 3: of articles free on my website. Sit down and go. 174 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 3: These are some of the reasons why this is happening. 175 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 3: And we want to still be the rails on your bridge. 176 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,720 Speaker 3: We want to be your safe person. But there are 177 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,160 Speaker 3: going to be times you're not going to like us, 178 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 3: and we probably might not like you very much, but 179 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 3: we will love you and we have to hold on 180 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:21,880 Speaker 3: to the end of that rope. And I think when 181 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,040 Speaker 3: they see there's a reason underneath it, also lots of 182 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,080 Speaker 3: them think they're the only one. So the self loathing 183 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 3: that kicks in, Oh my god, it is so intense. 184 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 3: So I think the more aware we are and the 185 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,880 Speaker 3: more loving we are, the more ridiculous we are to ourselves. 186 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 3: To lighten home, the better keep no question, there's a 187 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,520 Speaker 3: lot of things we can do. Got to lighten it 188 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,720 Speaker 3: up because they don't really want to wake up grumpy 189 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 3: and moody. 190 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:50,120 Speaker 1: Very good. We love you, Maggie Dent. We always do. 191 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,920 Speaker 1: Five Parental is anything. You can get it. It's the 192 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,160 Speaker 1: ABC podcast. You can get it wherever you get your 193 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,920 Speaker 1: good podcast. From It is the best. If you are 194 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,200 Speaker 1: having trouble as a parent, this is where you have 195 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 1: to sit down and listen to Maggie. We love you, Mags, 196 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,679 Speaker 1: thanks you so much, incoming you. 197 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,840 Speaker 3: It's got so desperate with one of my sons who 198 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,719 Speaker 3: had to listen to my podcast. 199 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:18,839 Speaker 2: Doesn't want to pick up the phone. Oh that's funny. 200 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 3: It fits and Whipper