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Speaker 1: I get everyone. It's the Youth Project. Roberts Capuccio is back,

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Speaker 1: Tiffany and cook us back, and I'm back, which is

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Speaker 1: I don't know good? I guess Hi, TIV, what a delight? Hi? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: well you were just marveling at my hair. I'm wearing

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Speaker 1: it up today.

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Speaker 2: Maybe she's born with it malone that's not here though,

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Speaker 2: that's makeup.

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Speaker 1: Something Bobby and I do not have to worry about

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Speaker 1: is investing any time or energy or attention into what

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Speaker 1: we're going to do with our hair on a given day.

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Speaker 2: I envy that.

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Speaker 1: I envy how much time does it take, because you

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Speaker 1: do have a fair shock of hair. How much time

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Speaker 1: would you spend per day just organizing your hair? Like

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Speaker 1: five minutes twenty minutes.

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Speaker 2: Most days, five if I wash it and try and

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Speaker 2: get those girls to be somewhat respectable.

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Speaker 1: It's just it's the fuck.

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Speaker 2: It's annoying.

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Speaker 1: It's so annoying.

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Speaker 2: I'm not into it. So that's why it's always scooped

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Speaker 2: back into a ponytail.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I definitely think next to no hair for me anyway,

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Speaker 1: not that I have the option. Well I do have

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Speaker 1: the option because my hair grows like a fucking weed,

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Speaker 1: but it just grows in seventy nine directions, and I

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Speaker 1: look like essentially a head the T shirt.

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Speaker 2: When you look like Einstein, I do look like.

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Speaker 1: I look like Einstein if only I had Einstein's brain.

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Speaker 1: Although there's some conjecture that he was the brains of

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Speaker 1: the family or was not. Apparently missus Einstein was pretty smart.

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Speaker 1: I might have done, might have been much more than

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Speaker 1: just a moral or emotional support system. They think that

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Speaker 1: she said that often the case. Well, they think that

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Speaker 1: she was a genius and may have done. I mean,

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Speaker 1: they think, listen to me, I just read some stuff

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Speaker 1: about that. So do your own research, make your own decision.

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Speaker 1: Speaking of Genie, I Hi, Robert.

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Speaker 3: So what I'm getting out this whole converss it really

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Speaker 3: doesn't matter how smart you are, you just got to

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Speaker 3: have the right hair for it.

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Speaker 1: I don't know that that is the takeaway. I don't

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Speaker 1: know that that's where I was going, But sure, sure, hey,

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Speaker 1: you're going to like today. I think now, listeners, we

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Speaker 1: don't plan well. We never get together and plan about

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Speaker 1: what we're going to talk about, or rarely do, and

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Speaker 1: even when we do, we tend not to do what

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Speaker 1: we said we would do Today is no different. Well

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Speaker 1: today is a little different in that I've planned and

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Speaker 1: those two don't know what we're going to talk about.

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Speaker 1: So this was written these ideas I want to run

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Speaker 1: by you. I did with you in mind, Bobby, but

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Speaker 1: also tif you're a coach too, so feel free to contribute.

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Speaker 1: So I want to talk to you today about coaching

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Speaker 1: specifically and do an entire episode on that and around that.

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Speaker 1: But I've got a lot of questions, so I need

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Speaker 1: succeed ish now. I know this is going to be

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Speaker 1: hard for you. I need pretty succinct one to three

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Speaker 1: minute answers because I want to get to at least

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Speaker 1: ten to fifteen questions because one of the when I

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Speaker 1: was way, I was talking to someone in Queensland and

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Speaker 1: they said to me, I don't actually understand coaching, Like

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Speaker 1: what does a coach do? How do you get qualified?

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Speaker 1: Who do? I like, they wanted a coach and they're like,

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Speaker 1: everyone's a coach. It seems like you can become a

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Speaker 1: coach in eight minutes. And there are people that are

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Speaker 1: coaches that have got degrees and master's degrees and people

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Speaker 1: that are coaches that have got no degrees and they

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Speaker 1: don't there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason

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Speaker 1: or logic or governance around coaching. And it's it's my understanding.

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Speaker 1: In Australia anyway, TIF you might know, it's pretty much

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Speaker 1: an unregulated industry. Am I rights in that like there's

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Speaker 1: no like there's no government kind of recognition.

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Speaker 2: No, they've got some bodies that you can you can

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Speaker 2: get registration with.

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Speaker 1: But you know, Bobby, what about in the States is

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Speaker 1: it similar?

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Speaker 3: The problem with coaching is everything that this person said

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Speaker 3: is correct. You can go through the ICF, the International

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Speaker 3: Coaching Federation, which is kind of like the facto governing body,

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Speaker 3: and it takes an enormous amount of study, rigorous testing

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Speaker 3: and hands on application. I mean, even to become like

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Speaker 3: a professional coach, you have to submit five hundred hours

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Speaker 3: of actual coaching sessions in extraordinary detail. And you can

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Speaker 3: elevate the criteria much higher than that when you're applying

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Speaker 3: to sit for your masters for the Mastery of Coaching

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Speaker 3: Exam the MCC. And then you can go away for

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Speaker 3: a weekend and you could get certified in something that

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Speaker 3: sounds like coaching, but it might not actually apply any

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Speaker 3: empirical based coaching models. Or tools or skills, so it's

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Speaker 3: kind of all over the shop. I think the ICF

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Speaker 3: does a really phenomenal job at trying to create as

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Speaker 3: much standards and guidelines as possible. But then you have

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Speaker 3: people that are just like, oh, yeah, I'm just going

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Speaker 3: to launch a coaching sirt or I'm gonna call myself

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Speaker 3: a coach, but what I do has nothing to do

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Speaker 3: with coaching. It's like going to see a physio and

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Speaker 3: you turn out like whoa, oh, actually, what you're practicing

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Speaker 3: is proctology. Wasn't expecting that.

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Speaker 1: Mm yeah, but my sphincter feels much better, even though

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Speaker 1: it was my ankle that was the problem. Thanks for

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Speaker 1: the uh, thanks for the chop app.

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Speaker 3: But that's that's But even with your ankle, you got

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Speaker 3: to facilitate the pelvic floor right otherwise you don't have

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Speaker 3: like proper spinal mechanics and inhibits the glute that can

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Speaker 3: cause excessive adduction to the knee and then you know

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Speaker 3: you're not going to be able to control pernation distortion.

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Speaker 1: So also while you're doing that, you can check my state.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for coming, no extra cost.

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Speaker 3: It's still no excuse for sexual assault at the physio office.

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Speaker 3: So it just won't be very clear. I don't condone that.

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Speaker 1: I really wish you didn't open that door, Bobby Capucco,

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Speaker 1: but maybe he didn't open it.

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Speaker 3: Was it me that opened that well.

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Speaker 1: But it's kind of the same as personal training, Like

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Speaker 1: in Australia, it's it's I don't know about the state

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Speaker 1: and I know, but like when you go ICF right

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Speaker 1: like they are a credible I'm not saying they're not.

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Speaker 1: There a credible organization and you've got to meet all

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Speaker 1: these criteria and it seems to be, you know, well structured,

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Speaker 1: the contents, the coaching is good, the requirements of high

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Speaker 1: bah bah I've never heard of them. That doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: they're not amazing TIF. If you heard of ICF, yeah

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Speaker 1: yeah I have. Yeah, Okay, So and I would say

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Speaker 1: maybe maybe not. I would say the majority of our

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Speaker 1: listeners haven't heard of that. Maybe they have my beyond

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Speaker 1: on the dumb one but or the one in the dark.

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Speaker 1: But I think that's the thing is like even in Australia,

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Speaker 1: personal training is an unregulated industry in that there's no

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Speaker 1: government mandates or rules or criteria that need.

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Speaker 3: To be met.

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Speaker 1: In order to get insurance, which is an issue, then

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Speaker 1: you need a certificate three or four with an RTO

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Speaker 1: registered training organization. But in terms of you to call

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Speaker 1: yourself a personal trainer and to go out and train people,

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Speaker 1: I don't think there's any legal requirements around that. But anyway,

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Speaker 1: so let's jump back into coaching. So I want to

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Speaker 1: ask you, So let's start with that. What is the

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Speaker 1: biggest misconception that people know? Let's do that too. What

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Speaker 1: is the role of a coach in the context of

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Speaker 1: high performance coaching or business coaching? The stuff that you do?

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Speaker 1: What is the role like what are you meant to

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Speaker 1: be doing or what's the job description?

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Speaker 3: Well, a coach should use empirical based behavioral science tools

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Speaker 3: to help people to extract what it is their motivations

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Speaker 3: are and resolve levels of ambivalence. In other words, what

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Speaker 3: are the conflicts that are blocking you from doing what

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Speaker 3: you want to do or being who you most want

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Speaker 3: to be. A coach is not there to It's easier

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Speaker 3: to talk about what a coach doesn't do. A coach

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Speaker 3: is not there to motivate you. Coach is not there

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Speaker 3: to inspire you. Although when you're talking about things that

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Speaker 3: are aligned with your values and your ambitions and why.

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Speaker 3: Those conversations can be highly motivating, but it's a matter

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Speaker 3: of what you're discovering, not what the coach is illuminating.

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Speaker 1: So to speak.

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Speaker 3: Coaches are not mentors, they're not consultants, they're not advisors.

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Speaker 3: They're not there to tell you what to do. So

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Speaker 3: if it's like, Okay, well the advice I got from

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Speaker 3: my coach was you weren't talking to a coach. Now

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Speaker 3: that doesn't say that's not to say that a coach

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Speaker 3: can never insert advice, but you have to be very clear, like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: if we're in a coaching session, Craig, here's what I'm observing.

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Speaker 3: Do I have your permission to pause the coaching session?

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Speaker 3: And you got to be really clear that at this

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Speaker 3: point we're not coaching. So what coaches do is they

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Speaker 3: draw out of you insights, They draw out of you

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Speaker 3: tools and resources that you already possess. With the presupposition

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Speaker 3: that you are the greatest expert on yourself. Nobody knows

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Speaker 3: you or anything related to your life, your wants, your needs,

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Speaker 3: your abilities better than you do. And it's just holding

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Speaker 3: up a mirror and allowing you to explore and examine

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Speaker 3: the intrinsic resources that you possess, so you can be

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Speaker 3: more resourceful in bridging gaps between where you are, where

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Speaker 3: you want to be, who you are, and who what

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Speaker 3: you ultimately want to become. That's kind of like the

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Speaker 3: scope of practice of They create that environment where you

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Speaker 3: can really immersively explore yourself, your motivations, your behaviors, and

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Speaker 3: ways that you normally wouldn't. I mean, we spend so

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Speaker 3: much time looking at the world through our filter. What

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Speaker 3: a coach does is help you step back and look

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Speaker 3: at your filter for a change, and that can be

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Speaker 3: extremely productive.

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Speaker 1: That's a fucking great answer. Thank you. That actually enlightens me.

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Speaker 1: That's good.

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Speaker 3: So who.

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Speaker 1: Let's not go with everyone, but who should and maybe

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Speaker 1: who should not think about using a coach? Like what

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Speaker 1: needs to be going on and what might be going

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Speaker 1: on for me where I would start to think about,

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Speaker 1: let's say we can afford it. Let's put aside the

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Speaker 1: money issue, but just in general terms, who might think

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Speaker 1: about using a coach?

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Speaker 3: So again, let's start with who shouldn't. If you're having

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Speaker 3: trouble with emotional or behavioral regulation, or let's say you've

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Speaker 3: had an experience or a series of experiences like in

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Speaker 3: complex PTSD, and it's causing you to struggle in day

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Speaker 3: to day functioning. You don't want to seek out a coach.

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Speaker 3: You want to seek out a therapist. You want to

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Speaker 3: seek out someone who is medically trained to deal with

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Speaker 3: mental health. So let's just start there. Who should seek

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Speaker 3: out a coach Anyone who has either been trying to

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Speaker 3: move towards something but is frustrated with continual stumbling blocks,

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Speaker 3: or you're always getting ready to get ready you move forward,

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Speaker 3: take two steps back. Or someone who's just looking to

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Speaker 3: improve their level of insight and performance around an area

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Speaker 3: of life or work that's important to you, then you

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Speaker 3: would seek out a coach.

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Speaker 1: One of the questions that I've been asked, literally I

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Speaker 1: was going to say thousands, I would say probably a

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Speaker 1: thousand times over the years, maybe more by people who

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Speaker 1: don't live near me, but people who want a trainer,

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Speaker 1: because you know, like, how do I find a good trainer?

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Speaker 1: And it's like, how do I find somebody that's going

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Speaker 1: to be good for me, somebody that's got skills, knowledge,

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Speaker 1: you know, empathy, awareness, you know, and actually gives a

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Speaker 1: fuck about me. So my answer is, especially when it's

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Speaker 1: like in I think, like many industries, there are good

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Speaker 1: personal trainers. Remember a personal trainer as a kind of

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Speaker 1: coach anyway, But like there are really great trainers, there

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Speaker 1: are ten out of ten trainers, there are one out

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Speaker 1: of ten trainers, just like there are ten out of ten,

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Speaker 1: you know, bricklayers and one out of ten bricklayers. So

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Speaker 1: it's we're not throwing trainers or coaches under the bus.

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Speaker 1: But for me, my advice is generally either by recommendation.

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Speaker 1: So if there's a trainer that's three or four people,

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Speaker 1: tell you she or he is fucking amazing, and it's

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Speaker 1: probably worth at least rolling the dice making a phone

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Speaker 1: call or trying to get a booking or secondly, you know,

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Speaker 1: just just go to a GM or a PT center

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Speaker 1: and book one session and just say I want to

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Speaker 1: do a trial session. And I think the average person

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Speaker 1: will know, even if you're not, you know, super knowledgeable

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Speaker 1: in terms of exercise programming and all the other stuff,

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Speaker 1: I think you will know within an hour whether or

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Speaker 1: not that person and you might be a good fit.

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Speaker 1: So my question is the same for this kind of coaching, Bobby,

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Speaker 1: how do we find a person that might be good

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Speaker 1: with US and for us, well.

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Speaker 3: I agree. If you hear multiple recommendations that working with

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Speaker 3: someone has been extremely productive and it's been a good

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Speaker 3: interpersonal and dynamic, you don't want to ignore that. You

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Speaker 3: can also, I mean, there's the Institute of Coaching, right

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Speaker 3: the IOC. There is the ICF website. There's also the

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Speaker 3: National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coaches, so they have

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Speaker 3: a directory on their site. And at least you know

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Speaker 3: that people have gone through a level of rigorous testing

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Speaker 3: to make sure that they can demonstrate the ability to

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Speaker 3: not only understand the empirical models and theory, but actually

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Speaker 3: apply those models. And I am very distracted and very

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Speaker 3: jealous by whatever's going on with Tiffany's camera. That's like amazing.

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Speaker 3: It's just like moving in and zooming around you. It's

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Speaker 3: like perfect. It's like it's a special effects.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, the idea, we done. Idea. I'd stay boy to

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Speaker 1: be distracted by your zooming in and out camera.

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Speaker 3: I love it. It's like it's like Sesame Street. It's

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Speaker 3: like there's Tiffany near and Tiffany far in Near Far.

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Speaker 3: It's amazing. I'm like, how can I even focus on

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Speaker 3: this podcast when there's all this like cool special effects

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Speaker 3: going on?

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Speaker 1: What is that about?

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Speaker 2: I don't know. It's a new setting.

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Speaker 1: Let me find out how to turn it off. It

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Speaker 1: is kind of distracting because one minute your head's all

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Speaker 1: over my screen and then you're far away in the background.

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Speaker 2: Auto framing you. I've switched it off.

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Speaker 3: Just see Tiffany's eyeball in the screen. Hey, Bobby, all right,

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Speaker 3: So somebody says they feel stuck.

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Speaker 1: What might be going on? Somebody feels like they're in

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Speaker 1: a holding pattern that they can't get out of. It's

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Speaker 1: kind of a behavior or emotional or productive groundhole day

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Speaker 1: they're not producing. What are some of the things that

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Speaker 1: are often happening when someone is in that state of stuckness?

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Speaker 3: Okay, And because there's so many possibilities of what it

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Speaker 3: could be, and there's just so many variables, I'm going

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Speaker 3: to go with my personal perspective on this and what

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Speaker 3: I've seen so many times working with clients at all levels.

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Speaker 3: A lot of times in my experience, it can come

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Speaker 3: down to ambivalence. And what I mean by that is

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Speaker 3: you genuinely truly want two things that are either in

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Speaker 3: conflict with one another or they're not aligned with one another.

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Speaker 3: So like when my wife moved to Brooklyn, she took

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Speaker 3: the cat with her, and you know, she was thinking, Okay,

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Speaker 3: we got this cat, like should we get another cat

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Speaker 3: to keep them company? Or should we get a canary?

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Speaker 3: And the answer is another cat because the cat and

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Speaker 3: the canary are in conflict. Those two things don't necessarily

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Speaker 3: go well together. And that's kind of the same thing

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Speaker 3: with certain goals and ambitions. You know, I want to

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Speaker 3: have a lot of freedom because I value freedom, but

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Speaker 3: I'm also looking to start my own business. Well, good

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Speaker 3: luck with any level of personal freedom and personal time.

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Speaker 3: So those two things are kind of in conflict with

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Speaker 3: each other, and at which will do is help you

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Speaker 3: examine that more in depth?

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Speaker 1: Sorry about that. Also, I feel like the idea of

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Speaker 1: transformation and growth and development and success is not always

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Speaker 1: you know, consistent with what's actually practically required. Like people

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Speaker 1: love the theory of success, but not the journey of

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Speaker 1: success because one's easy and one's hard.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but you know, we so is raising kids. I mean,

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Speaker 3: you know, having a kid and raising a kid I've

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Speaker 3: heard is brutally difficult. And what I hear from you know,

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Speaker 3: like we're not parents, so we're not experts with this,

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Speaker 3: but I always hear, Oh my goodness, I did not

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Speaker 3: know how hard it was going to be. I love

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Speaker 3: my kids more than I ever thought I could love anyone,

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Speaker 3: but I grossly underestimated the difficulty. So people do pursue

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Speaker 3: things that are really hard. The question is what is

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Speaker 3: it that you think success will give you? Like, what

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Speaker 3: are you really going after? Some times, you know, when

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Speaker 3: people really examine that, what success in this particular path

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Speaker 3: that I think I'm choosing for the right reasons is

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Speaker 3: an I don't even want that. It's another path, maybe

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Speaker 3: not owning my own business, maybe not having that certain

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Speaker 3: income goal and living within my means, earning much less money,

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Speaker 3: you know, a year as long as I can, you know,

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Speaker 3: take care of all my basic needs, take care of

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Speaker 3: the needs of my family. That'll allow me to have

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Speaker 3: more time with the people I love. So I think

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Speaker 3: in some form, yeah, it's really hard. Do you really

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Speaker 3: want what you want? And that's not an accusation, it's

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Speaker 3: a curious inquiry, like do you really want what you

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Speaker 3: think you want?

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about that, right. We know that people are emotional.

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Speaker 1: We know that when it comes to creating our best

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Speaker 1: life for health, or business or career or financial site

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Speaker 1: and making decisions and taking action. We know that a

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Speaker 1: lot of us may include it are inconsistent for a

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Speaker 1: range of reasons. How do we move from being the

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Speaker 1: person who's stopping and starting to be being the person

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Speaker 1: who's at least more consistent, more reliable, and more proactive

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Speaker 1: in the absence of inspiration.

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Speaker 3: Well, I think the first question becomes consistent at what

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Speaker 3: do you clearly know what you want and what consistent

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Speaker 3: behaviors are going to bridge the gap? And if you

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Speaker 3: don't know, maybe consistency isn't your first stap, you know,

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Speaker 3: because there's research coming out now. I was having this

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Speaker 3: conversation yesterday with and ICF Master coach where being really

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Speaker 3: super clear around goal setting and smart goals sometimes is

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Speaker 3: not very effective for a lot of people, especially when

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Speaker 3: creativity is involved. And what might be a better strateg

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Speaker 3: for certain individuals is prototyping. Just go out there and

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Speaker 3: test a bunch of stuff. Like you were saying, you know,

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Speaker 3: you might need to go down to the gym and

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Speaker 3: actually make an appointment and experience a personal training session

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Speaker 3: before you get clear about what your next course of

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Speaker 3: action is because you don't even know if it's going

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Speaker 3: to resonate with you. So if you're interested in stuff,

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Speaker 3: maybe launching a bunch of experiments and seeing, Okay, is

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Speaker 3: this really what I thought it was going to be?

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Speaker 3: Is does this resonate with my values? Do this resonate

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Speaker 3: with the experiences I want to have? Once you get

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Speaker 3: clear or know on certain terms exactly what it is

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Speaker 3: that you're looking for, when a goal is far out

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Speaker 3: in the future, you know, don't focus on consistent behaviors,

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Speaker 3: focus on the why, Like what is it about that

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Speaker 3: that excites you?

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Speaker 1: Like?

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Speaker 3: Who do you want to become at the end of

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Speaker 3: this journey?

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Speaker 2: You know?

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Speaker 3: What do you value most that you're going to get

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Speaker 3: to have more of as that goal starts to become

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Speaker 3: more proximal in terms of time, So it's not a

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Speaker 3: year out, maybe it's like like six months out at

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Speaker 3: that point, what are the very specific behaviors Forget the why,

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Speaker 3: forget the ambition, forget the inspiration. What are the consistent

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Speaker 3: behaviors every single day that you're gonna need to engage

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Speaker 3: in to progressively bridge that gap between current reality and

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Speaker 3: future ambition. You know, So it's like, Okay, I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: consistently have to you know, have the salad and not

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Speaker 3: go for the ice cream. I'm gonna consistently have to

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Speaker 3: eat certain foods and not eat certain foods. I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: consistently have to engage in certain exercise behaviors. What exactly

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Speaker 3: does that look like? And then at that point you're

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Speaker 3: going to focus on the how I think you know,

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Speaker 3: people get way way too caught up and way too

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Speaker 3: distracted and discouraged when you don't have a very specific formula,

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Speaker 3: because it's like, Okay, what's going to happen inevitably when

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Speaker 3: I don't do what I thought I was going to do?

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Speaker 3: Because that happens to everyone. How do you interpret that?

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Speaker 3: How do you react to that? Because that's where I

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Speaker 3: see a lot of people stumbling. It's like, Okay, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to do this every single day and then okay,

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Speaker 3: well they did it six out of seven days, which

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Speaker 3: is fantastic, Like that's a great track record. I mean,

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Speaker 3: just you know, talk to anyone who's in sales. How

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Speaker 3: would it feel to like sell six out of seven prospects?

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Speaker 3: You'd be amazing, You'd be brought up on stage at

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Speaker 3: every annual corporate summit. But what's the story you tell yourself,

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Speaker 3: and do you have the specificity to where that misstep

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Speaker 3: can give you more information than you normally would have

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Speaker 3: had without it, allowing you to go further and create

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Speaker 3: behaviors and strategies that are even more sustainable. So a

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Speaker 3: lot of times it's those missteps that are critical to

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Speaker 3: long term success, not antagonistic to it. But if you

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Speaker 3: don't have a crystallized plan, well, oh my goodness, that

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Speaker 3: that's just a complete failure. I either did it or

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Speaker 3: I didn't. Now I can't learn no matter what happens.

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Speaker 3: So what's on the other end of not being able

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Speaker 3: to learn and being disappointed continually frustration and overwhelmed? I

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Speaker 3: mean burnout itself. I've been having this conversation a lot,

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Speaker 3: so I have a friend of colleague. Definitely not one

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Speaker 3: to three minutes. By the way, Oh I I'm over time.

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Speaker 1: Not the first and you still haven't answered my question.

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Speaker 1: I love what you're saying. But some people know they

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Speaker 1: just need to work out five days a week or

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Speaker 1: they need to eat better. Like what's the answer to

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Speaker 1: the question. People who they know what to do, They

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Speaker 1: have clarity about what they should do, They know the how,

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Speaker 1: they know the why, they know the reason they've got

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Speaker 1: the resources. They know the answer to the question, the

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Speaker 1: question to losing weight or building this is that I

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Speaker 1: need to do that thing, But I consistently stop. What's

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Speaker 1: that about? What's that inconsistency about? By the way, what

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Speaker 1: you said was brilliant. I just want to know, because

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Speaker 1: there are people listening to this going. I've honestly started

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Speaker 1: fifty times, and it's not because I don't know what

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Speaker 1: to do. It's not because I'm dumb or I don't

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Speaker 1: have resources.

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Speaker 3: Here.

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Speaker 1: I am twenty years down the track. There's the same

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Speaker 1: in a dialogue. I'm still not making the changes that

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Speaker 1: I should, and I'm still not following through. What is

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Speaker 1: that about? Do you think?

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Speaker 3: I think it's a matter of what your expectations are

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Speaker 3: on the results that you're going to get and how

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Speaker 3: soon you're going to produce those results. I think it's

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Speaker 3: also a lack of a refined, clear strategy. And then

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Speaker 3: I think it's around how and we've talked about this,

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Speaker 3: I think all three of us have talked about this

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Speaker 3: in the past. How you view goal setting? Are you

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Speaker 3: setting a goal in order to improve performance and something

436
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,560
Speaker 3: like I want to do real, really good especially if

437
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,520
Speaker 3: that goal is externally motivated. You know, I want people

438
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,720
Speaker 3: to give me validation. You know that next family event,

439
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,920
Speaker 3: I want everyone to tell me how amazing I look,

440
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,159
Speaker 3: or are you doing something because you're actually interested in

441
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 3: that activity and who you get to be doing it.

442
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,320
Speaker 3: So the goal is to be better. Like tomorrow night,

443
00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:22,440
Speaker 3: when I get up to do comedy, there is there's

444
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,280
Speaker 3: a chance that I'm going to completely bomb on stage,

445
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:30,399
Speaker 3: but that's gonna because I have my set so structured.

446
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,240
Speaker 3: That's going to give me feedback. And if you really

447
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:37,280
Speaker 3: value what you're doing, you value that form of communication

448
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,640
Speaker 3: and connection, it's just going to help me get better.

449
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:43,120
Speaker 3: So I could walk off stage and have an audience

450
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,159
Speaker 3: that's dead silence. Now, obviously I don't hope that happens,

451
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:49,240
Speaker 3: but if it does, I can go, Okay, I'm gonna

452
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,399
Speaker 3: learn some stuff. Let me go back and reflect. I mean,

453
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,879
Speaker 3: that's what wisdom is, right, it's experience upon reflection. So

454
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,040
Speaker 3: what do you want to have happen? What's your motivation?

455
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:01,639
Speaker 3: Are you looking to do good or you're looking to

456
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,480
Speaker 3: just simply do better. If you're looking to do better,

457
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,280
Speaker 3: every time something happens that causes you to stop it'll

458
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:13,320
Speaker 3: actually cause you to learn lead with your curiosity. So expectations,

459
00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 3: do you have a structured strategy that's proven to work,

460
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:23,439
Speaker 3: and what is what is your mindset around what setbacks

461
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,240
Speaker 3: mean to you? I think those three things. It's probably

462
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 3: a lot more to it, but right now you know

463
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,359
Speaker 3: within first, that's one going I like it, dude.

464
00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:37,439
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of people get overwhelmed, Bobby,

465
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:42,000
Speaker 1: with knowing where to start, because it just feel it

466
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,200
Speaker 1: feels like there's just too many things. I feel like

467
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 1: there's just way too many things. I don't know where

468
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 1: to start. I don't know what to pay attention to.

469
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:53,240
Speaker 1: And it's not a bit of analysis, paralysis, overthinking, insecurity,

470
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:57,639
Speaker 1: self doubt, whatever for people who feel that, people who

471
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:01,280
Speaker 1: feel overwhelmed and don't know how where to start. What

472
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,920
Speaker 1: you're coaching kind of thoughts around.

473
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:08,800
Speaker 3: That, Well, first of all, that's valid. I mean James Petrasca,

474
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,680
Speaker 3: he's one of the pioneers behind the trance theoretical model

475
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,560
Speaker 3: of change. Those are the phases of change we go

476
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:19,920
Speaker 3: through when we're attempting to do something right, especially so yeah,

477
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,399
Speaker 3: we've not typically done before, which requires becoming someone you've

478
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 3: never been before. So yeah, there's a lot to that,

479
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,760
Speaker 3: and I think it's what happens when you try to

480
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,720
Speaker 3: put all the pieces of the puzzle together all at once.

481
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 3: What Petrasca's research also shows is that if you are

482
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 3: able to do something consistently, Actually, Philippo Lali at London

483
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:47,320
Speaker 3: College University her research found pretty much the same thing,

484
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,720
Speaker 3: if you're able to identify a certain behavior and do

485
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:56,320
Speaker 3: it with a level of consistency. Not only did ninety

486
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 3: five percent of the people in the Lalli study actually

487
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,800
Speaker 3: develop long term sustainable habits, but of course, according to Petraska,

488
00:28:04,359 --> 00:28:07,680
Speaker 3: you are twice as likely to succeed the next time

489
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 3: you select a more ambitious habit to form. So start anywhere.

490
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:15,960
Speaker 3: That's the thing. It's like, look if it's a fifteen

491
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,680
Speaker 3: minute walk around your neighborhood, as long as you're doing

492
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:24,440
Speaker 3: it consistently, start there and then think, oh, wow, I've

493
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 3: been doing this for like thirty days, what else am

494
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:31,440
Speaker 3: I capable of? And just build piece by piece, Because

495
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,639
Speaker 3: if you're starting and stopping, by going slower and picking

496
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,400
Speaker 3: one thing at a time, you might be a lot further.

497
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 3: Maybe not like thirty days from now, but three hundred

498
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,600
Speaker 3: and sixty five days from now, from where you would

499
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,840
Speaker 3: be if you started and stopped, started and stopped and

500
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:51,120
Speaker 3: brought all that frustration, doubt and discouragement with you.

501
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 1: Yes, love it. What Bubby was talking about there to

502
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 1: everyone is called the trans theoretical model, which is, like

503
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 1: he said, by Pretasca and declemente. So I have to

504
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,040
Speaker 1: look at that because there's six different stages and it's

505
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 1: really quite interesting, from pre contemplation to termination. What I

506
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:19,200
Speaker 1: wanted to ask you was, how do we balance ambition

507
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:22,920
Speaker 1: like reaching for the stars whatever that means for us,

508
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:28,800
Speaker 1: being driven, being focused, grinding, hustling all that with personal

509
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 1: well being? Like how do I I reckon I probably

510
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 1: I think I've probably got this figured out now. I

511
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:40,200
Speaker 1: think I didn't for a long time, and I think

512
00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:44,120
Speaker 1: probably us three who probably shouldn't speak at it. But

513
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:48,080
Speaker 1: we're a little bit like you know, high performers in

514
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,560
Speaker 1: that we're kind of grind and hustle and work hard

515
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:55,160
Speaker 1: and maybe overwork and underrest sometimes. So I don't know

516
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:59,000
Speaker 1: if any of us should answer this, but like balancing

517
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:03,600
Speaker 1: ambition and drive with well being and physical, mental and

518
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:04,400
Speaker 1: emotional health.

519
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 3: Bobby, again, I'm going to give my perspective because this

520
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 3: is one of those things where there's so much to unpack.

521
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 3: I mean that depending on the individual, depends on so

522
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:21,280
Speaker 3: many factors and the social connectors's environment, their upbringing, their beliefs,

523
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:28,880
Speaker 3: both explicit and unexamined. For me, I feel that well

524
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:35,240
Speaker 3: being and high performance are inseparable from one another. So

525
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,960
Speaker 3: well being is not only the driver, it's also the

526
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 3: litmus test to whether or not you're going to sustainably

527
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,240
Speaker 3: be able to do what you're doing in the long term.

528
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 3: Because when you talk about well being, a lot of

529
00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:54,440
Speaker 3: people think about okay, like health and fitness, and sure,

530
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:58,400
Speaker 3: you know, health and fitness is in well being encompasses that,

531
00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:02,200
Speaker 3: but it transcends that as well. It is a level

532
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 3: of social, emotional, mental, and physical functioning that allows you

533
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:14,560
Speaker 3: I think I'm going lately, I was going with Gallops

534
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 3: interpretation of well being, which is phenomenal, but I think

535
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:24,040
Speaker 3: even more specific as Martin Seligman's within the acronym pirma.

536
00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 3: So you are exhibiting a state of well being when

537
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:34,520
Speaker 3: you are the p engaged in experiencing a higher ratio

538
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 3: of positive emotions and experiences day to day than negative.

539
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:44,080
Speaker 3: And there's I mean, Barbara Frederickson had a specific ratio

540
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 3: around that. I don't think there's a specific ratio. It's

541
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:51,040
Speaker 3: just it's a lot. More so for every negative experience

542
00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:54,200
Speaker 3: you have in the day, let's say you'll have five

543
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:58,960
Speaker 3: positive ones, and that's one expression of well being. The

544
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,960
Speaker 3: E is around in agement. And take a look at

545
00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 3: anyone when you walk into a shop or a friend

546
00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 3: of you as that works, and how engaged all they like?

547
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:14,400
Speaker 3: Are they excited? Do they bring When people talk about

548
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:20,280
Speaker 3: quietly quitting, what that is is an epidemic of disengagement.

549
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:25,040
Speaker 3: And I think that and the and the problem we're

550
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:30,640
Speaker 3: facing with burnout is inseparably connected. And then the R

551
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 3: is relationships. Are you engaged in stimulating, rewarding healthy relationships

552
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:43,240
Speaker 3: with other people? The M is do you have a

553
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,320
Speaker 3: clear sense of meaning for your life and for what

554
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 3: you're doing or are you being thrown about like a

555
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:53,680
Speaker 3: ship without a rudder in the middle of a storm.

556
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,000
Speaker 3: That's important and when you have all of those things

557
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,680
Speaker 3: lining up, what you're going to say is clear evidence

558
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 3: of that through accomplishments. And I don't mean like, Okay,

559
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:09,840
Speaker 3: you got your highest commission because you sold the ten

560
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:13,000
Speaker 3: million dollar home as an estate agent, although it can

561
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 3: definitely be aligned with that. But there are certain things

562
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 3: you're accomplishing that you're doing, you're growing, there's clear evidence,

563
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 3: and that relates back to efficacy. So when you have

564
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:28,719
Speaker 3: all of those things in permit and play, you are

565
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:34,840
Speaker 3: exhibiting signs of well being and you're probably feeling that. Now,

566
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:38,760
Speaker 3: imagine you take any one of those away, your performance

567
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:39,520
Speaker 3: is going to suffer.

568
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:46,120
Speaker 1: I feel like, yeah, that was great, thank you. I

569
00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: also feel like, though, that we can see people who,

570
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:55,120
Speaker 1: in one aspect of their reality, they are high performance

571
00:33:55,560 --> 00:34:01,160
Speaker 1: like athletes, like business people, like scientists, like politics, right,

572
00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:05,760
Speaker 1: and from the outside looking in, they are a high performer.

573
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:10,440
Speaker 1: They're winning, they're achieving, they're building wealth, they're building brand,

574
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:16,960
Speaker 1: they're building you know whatever. But away from that there

575
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,960
Speaker 1: is no well being, Like they are mentally and emotionally broken.

576
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:26,560
Speaker 1: But from the outside looking in, they are ambitious, they

577
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:30,719
Speaker 1: are successful. So I don't know. For me, I don't

578
00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:33,759
Speaker 1: think they always go together. I think quite often there

579
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,440
Speaker 1: are what we would call high performing people who are

580
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:38,440
Speaker 1: actually mentally and emotionally broken.

581
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:42,759
Speaker 3: And so see that one more time.

582
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:46,280
Speaker 1: I think they are high performing people in a certain

583
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 1: era of their life and I've worked with them, so

584
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:54,680
Speaker 1: of you who at the same time are fucking completely unhealthy,

585
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,360
Speaker 1: Like they're depressed, they're anxious, they're not sleeping, they're medicated.

586
00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 1: But people are by to be like them. So I

587
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:06,520
Speaker 1: think there's a real dichotomy between you know, essentially the

588
00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:09,960
Speaker 1: PR campaign. Oh look at Craig, or look at Bobby

589
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:11,840
Speaker 1: or Tiff or look at who No, don't look at

590
00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:15,320
Speaker 1: us three we're fucking idiots A speak for yourself apps.

591
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,320
Speaker 1: But you know there are people that we look up to,

592
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:21,239
Speaker 1: and which is not say this as everyone. But on

593
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:25,239
Speaker 1: the one hand, what you see is basically a presentation

594
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 1: or a PR campaign, But away from that there's there's

595
00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:33,560
Speaker 1: just all kinds of brokenness and dysfunction. And like you

596
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:36,520
Speaker 1: said before, this is not judgment or hate or criticism

597
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:41,799
Speaker 1: for me, this is empathy. Like I think, I think

598
00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:48,279
Speaker 1: that the the intersection of high performance and brokenness is

599
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,319
Speaker 1: more common than we think.

600
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 3: I think this goes back to what we're seeing in

601
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:59,920
Speaker 3: the beginning of the show, right where there's there's success

602
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:01,800
Speaker 3: and then there's the reality of what it takes to

603
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:05,239
Speaker 3: get there and why do people not pursue the heart

604
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:07,759
Speaker 3: And it's like, well, hold on. You got to choose

605
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,880
Speaker 3: your heart and understand like what it means to you

606
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 3: do you want what you want? So when you say that,

607
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,960
Speaker 3: a lot of times we look at people just at

608
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:23,799
Speaker 3: the brochure level. So we're a society that idolizes superficial appearances.

609
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 3: Because let's take a look at what you had said.

610
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:28,480
Speaker 3: And I'm paraphrasing. I know I made you repeat that twice,

611
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:32,480
Speaker 3: but for a reason none that's co Let's say let's

612
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:37,239
Speaker 3: say Tiffany just hypothetically was struggling in an area of work, right,

613
00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:40,200
Speaker 3: and I said, ah, you know what, tiff I know

614
00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:43,200
Speaker 3: somebody and we're thinking about someone who's worth half a

615
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:47,640
Speaker 3: billion and they own multiple companiesn't really successful. But I

616
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:51,359
Speaker 3: talked about the day to day reality of that person.

617
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:53,840
Speaker 3: I said, I have someone who is willing to coach you.

618
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,959
Speaker 3: They've listened to your show, they love you. They're someone

619
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:02,719
Speaker 3: who is absolutely exhausted, miserable, depressed all the time, and

620
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:05,719
Speaker 3: just stressed out of their mind. So and you know

621
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:08,520
Speaker 3: that not coach you, they're willing to mentor you are

622
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:12,279
Speaker 3: you interested? Well, Tiffany might do a double take and say, well, wait,

623
00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, they're what again? I don't know if I

624
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,560
Speaker 3: want to be mentored by that, because we take a

625
00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:19,680
Speaker 3: look at just what we see on the surface level,

626
00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:22,879
Speaker 3: like it's an iceberg, but we don't take a look

627
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:26,120
Speaker 3: at what is under the surface. And I'll give you

628
00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 3: I'll give you an analogy with myself because I do

629
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:33,439
Speaker 3: have that personality from time to time, not always where

630
00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:37,040
Speaker 3: you know, being on the road as a speaker, most

631
00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:40,840
Speaker 3: nights you're not getting quality sleep. You know, you're not

632
00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:43,320
Speaker 3: your diet is not as good as it should be,

633
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,439
Speaker 3: You're stressed out of your mind, You're going from city

634
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:47,399
Speaker 3: to city. You're in like three different cities in a week.

635
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:52,240
Speaker 3: That's exhausting. But there's also an emotional and I believe

636
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:56,239
Speaker 3: well being benefit because I love it so much or

637
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,600
Speaker 3: I did love being on the road so much that

638
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:03,560
Speaker 3: there was intense there was engagement, but after a while,

639
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:09,719
Speaker 3: you're gonna break down. Here's here's a more vivid example. Exercise.

640
00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:13,440
Speaker 3: So I was so in love with and attached to

641
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:18,040
Speaker 3: and let's be honest, dependent upon high intensity exercise. And

642
00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:20,200
Speaker 3: for a lot of you know, for a lot of

643
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,040
Speaker 3: my youth, people look at me and go, oh wow,

644
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:25,719
Speaker 3: you're in really good shape. I mean, people on a

645
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:29,200
Speaker 3: lot better shape, but compared to the average person, I

646
00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:32,840
Speaker 3: looked like I was really healthy and really fit. Was

647
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:37,600
Speaker 3: I well though, because now I've got a detached pectoralis major,

648
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:44,400
Speaker 3: I've got a dislocated a chromioclivicular joint, I've got multiple

649
00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:48,279
Speaker 3: fractures in my left clavical and let's just keep going

650
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:51,759
Speaker 3: down the list. Because I was, and that's analogous to

651
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:55,799
Speaker 3: that person burning both candles at the end, at both ends,

652
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,400
Speaker 3: whether you're doing that on the pitch or in the

653
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:02,680
Speaker 3: boardroom or in the way, So did I Was I

654
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:04,520
Speaker 3: exhibiting a high level of well being?

655
00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:04,800
Speaker 1: No?

656
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:08,320
Speaker 3: I was exhibiting a high level of fitness at the

657
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:11,680
Speaker 3: expense of my well being, to the point where I

658
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:15,000
Speaker 3: can no longer sustain that level of fitness because I

659
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:19,040
Speaker 3: destroyed my body and the process because I knew. I

660
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:22,280
Speaker 3: knew how to put the throttle down. What I didn't

661
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,200
Speaker 3: know how to do is put it in first gear.

662
00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:28,279
Speaker 3: I think that's a more vivid example because it's a

663
00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:30,800
Speaker 3: little bit more concrete. We see that person who is

664
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:34,120
Speaker 3: a pro athlete. They can't walk now now, now, was

665
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:37,680
Speaker 3: that wrong? No? Because if you ask them maybe they

666
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,799
Speaker 3: might say, well, it was worth it because I got

667
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,000
Speaker 3: to live my dream and I knew this was a

668
00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:47,080
Speaker 3: possible consequence. But that's definitely a possibility if on the

669
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:48,800
Speaker 3: other end it's like, oh, I wish I never did that,

670
00:39:48,920 --> 00:39:49,520
Speaker 3: that said.

671
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:56,480
Speaker 1: Shout out to Ronnie Coleman, poor buddy Ronnie Coleman. We

672
00:39:56,560 --> 00:40:00,719
Speaker 1: love him though. All right, so let's talk now about

673
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,680
Speaker 1: somebody who thank you for that. By the way, somebody

674
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 1: who you sit with them and you, as much as

675
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:15,080
Speaker 1: you can perceive, you realize that their potential is a nine,

676
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:19,279
Speaker 1: but their belief in their own capacity and ability is

677
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:22,960
Speaker 1: a two. So, in other words, their self image doesn't

678
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,200
Speaker 1: match their potential. And by the way, I think this

679
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:30,080
Speaker 1: is nearly everyone. And again this is a you know,

680
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:33,799
Speaker 1: there's a myriad of things around this and variables and approaches.

681
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:37,120
Speaker 1: But so you're talking to someone and you realize the problem,

682
00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:39,919
Speaker 1: or part of the problem at least, is not what's

683
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:43,360
Speaker 1: possible for them, but rather their belief about what's possible

684
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,480
Speaker 1: for them. Where do you start? How do we get

685
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:51,120
Speaker 1: people to or support people? I should say, to build

686
00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 1: confidence and to build an understanding of this is one

687
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:58,359
Speaker 1: of my fucking passions is to help people understand their

688
00:40:58,400 --> 00:40:59,239
Speaker 1: own capacity.

689
00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:03,000
Speaker 3: I think you know, two things pop in my head

690
00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:06,680
Speaker 3: when you ask that question. One is finding areas where

691
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:09,400
Speaker 3: because a lot of times we recognize our capacity in

692
00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:12,280
Speaker 3: one area, but because of whatever story we tell ourselves

693
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:16,839
Speaker 3: in another area, we did question it. So through having

694
00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:21,320
Speaker 3: a conversation, I would be very curious to know what

695
00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:25,200
Speaker 3: has typically gone very well for you, Like what do

696
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:29,280
Speaker 3: people tell you is an attribute or strength or something

697
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:32,839
Speaker 3: about you that you possess that they admire. Let's talk

698
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:36,560
Speaker 3: about a specific time in your life when you've exhibited that.

699
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:39,440
Speaker 3: So like a lot of people who don't know if

700
00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:43,440
Speaker 3: they can make a transition from one career to another career,

701
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:49,480
Speaker 3: but they transitioned from getting married, having a kid, having

702
00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:53,240
Speaker 3: a bunch of stuff happen in between that that was unexpected,

703
00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:57,319
Speaker 3: and now they've got three kids. All of those three

704
00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:01,239
Speaker 3: kids are well adjusted and quote unquote successful people. And

705
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,680
Speaker 3: you ask them like, oh, you know who's your hero,

706
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 3: and they'll go, oh, well, mom or dad, And it's

707
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:08,560
Speaker 3: like it's that same person doesn't know if they can

708
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:12,279
Speaker 3: make a transition. I want to dig into what did

709
00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:15,759
Speaker 3: you do? What do you attribute to being able to

710
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:19,280
Speaker 3: produce such extraordinary results in one area of your life

711
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:21,719
Speaker 3: and then back up and get a little bit more

712
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:24,600
Speaker 3: strategic about how we can take all that stuff about

713
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:28,960
Speaker 3: you and overlay that into another area. Because what exactly,

714
00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:33,400
Speaker 3: what exactly is the difference? Like what makes what makes

715
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:39,000
Speaker 3: you know accounting to personal training impossible? But like raising

716
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:41,799
Speaker 3: three kids no worries because a lot of other people

717
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:44,719
Speaker 3: would go, oh, I'll take the career change that other

718
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:48,640
Speaker 3: thing that sounds very very hard. Another thing is like

719
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:53,360
Speaker 3: it is just vicarious experience. The fact of the matter is,

720
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,520
Speaker 3: I don't think anybody, like you said, has one hundred

721
00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:58,799
Speaker 3: percent belief in their ability to do anything. So who

722
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 3: do you know who's doing what you want to do

723
00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:05,399
Speaker 3: or who's done something similar to what you're looking at doing.

724
00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:09,000
Speaker 3: Talk to me about that person. What do you think

725
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:12,960
Speaker 3: they believe? Is it possible that sometimes they doubt? And

726
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:15,800
Speaker 3: when they doubt, what do you think they do to

727
00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:20,800
Speaker 3: overcome that and still engage in the process that allows

728
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 3: them to be where they are or more important, be

729
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:26,799
Speaker 3: who they are. So what do you think those attributes

730
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:29,040
Speaker 3: are that they possess? What do you think they do

731
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,200
Speaker 3: every single day? What are some of the things that

732
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 3: they wouldn't do every day or most days they wouldn't

733
00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:37,960
Speaker 3: do it because it's a distraction. Now, out of all

734
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:43,000
Speaker 3: of that, is there one thing or two things that

735
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:47,000
Speaker 3: you believe align with your level of confidence, your ability,

736
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 3: that you can start experimenting with for a giving amount

737
00:43:51,239 --> 00:43:53,080
Speaker 3: of time and see how that works for you. So

738
00:43:53,360 --> 00:44:00,080
Speaker 3: borrow someone else's belief vicariously, go through vicarious experiences. And

739
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:02,360
Speaker 3: then you know, a third thing would be, you know

740
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:06,960
Speaker 3: who really supports you, Okay, how can you enlist their support?

741
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:10,560
Speaker 3: Like Will Marudolf. Will Marudolf's success story is rooted not

742
00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:13,360
Speaker 3: in everything she overcame, which is extraordinary, but it was

743
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 3: rooted in her mother's commitment. You know, her mothers simply

744
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:20,640
Speaker 3: would not be denied when Will Merudolf was a young,

745
00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:24,520
Speaker 3: frightened child and hadn't really lived long enough to have

746
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:29,640
Speaker 3: a level of self efficacy to ever conceptualize that she

747
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 3: would be able to walk, not to mention be one

748
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:36,520
Speaker 3: of the greatest athletes in modern history. So I mean

749
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:40,680
Speaker 3: those three things is finding a different area, go to

750
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:43,279
Speaker 3: a look at your life from a different vantage point,

751
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:48,040
Speaker 3: because you'll find you'll find competence there. Another thing is

752
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:52,799
Speaker 3: borrow vicariously, you know, and then kind of model other

753
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:57,080
Speaker 3: people's behaviors and attitudes that you think allowed them to

754
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:59,440
Speaker 3: be who they are. And you know, who can you

755
00:44:59,520 --> 00:45:00,560
Speaker 3: elicit supports?

756
00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:06,320
Speaker 1: You love it? I would also add, I think, like

757
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:08,120
Speaker 1: from a point of view of how do I build

758
00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:10,759
Speaker 1: self belief? How do I build confidence? Like in a

759
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:15,680
Speaker 1: really practical way, I'd say, well, let's say you've got

760
00:45:15,719 --> 00:45:17,760
Speaker 1: no belief at all that you could run a marathon.

761
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,479
Speaker 1: You know, this is just an example. It's not about

762
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:23,840
Speaker 1: running marathons. It's about visualizing something and doing it.

763
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:25,640
Speaker 3: Well.

764
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,439
Speaker 1: Of course you can't run a marathon because you haven't

765
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:30,440
Speaker 1: trained at the moment. Of course you don't have the fitness.

766
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:33,680
Speaker 1: Of course you don't have the perhaps the equipment. But

767
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,560
Speaker 1: I would say, all right, well what can you do today?

768
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:38,879
Speaker 1: You know? You go, well, I could walk, I could

769
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,680
Speaker 1: probably do a walk, job, I could probably cover a kilometer.

770
00:45:42,600 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 1: And I feel like that's that's really the process for

771
00:45:45,280 --> 00:45:48,279
Speaker 1: so much thing, so many things like if you think

772
00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:52,560
Speaker 1: about Roll with the Punches your podcast, So you're now

773
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 1: how many of you a thousand episodes give or take, Yeah,

774
00:45:57,680 --> 00:46:02,080
Speaker 1: so a thousand episodes ish? And how did you get good?

775
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:04,359
Speaker 1: Like how did you get good on this show? How

776
00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:06,360
Speaker 1: did you get good on your show? How did you

777
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:09,960
Speaker 1: build brand and confidence and competence? Well, you did the

778
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 1: first show. How great were you on the first show? Probably? Yeah,

779
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:19,960
Speaker 1: Well maybe you're the maybe you're the unicorn that was

780
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:23,759
Speaker 1: brilliant from the start, but us normal people. My first

781
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:27,160
Speaker 1: one hundred episodes were somewhere between shits and average. And

782
00:46:27,239 --> 00:46:30,320
Speaker 1: then you go, but how do I become more confident?

783
00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:34,239
Speaker 1: How do I build self belief? How do I build excellence?

784
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:38,800
Speaker 1: I think, well, just something that you can do, anything

785
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:42,640
Speaker 1: that you can do to create momentum. Anything, you know,

786
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 1: have a conversation, roll the dice, do a podcast that's bad,

787
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:49,200
Speaker 1: Do a bad one, and then next time, dude, one

788
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:52,560
Speaker 1: that's maybe not quite as bad, and then maybe episode

789
00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 1: ten will be rocketing up towards fucking mediocre. But you

790
00:46:57,360 --> 00:47:00,160
Speaker 1: can't get to excellent without being the white belt, you know,

791
00:47:00,239 --> 00:47:04,640
Speaker 1: as we say so many times. All right, Bobby, we've

792
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:10,320
Speaker 1: got a couple. Go, I'm loving it. Let's talk about pressure.

793
00:47:10,400 --> 00:47:15,000
Speaker 1: Life is pressure, or it can be pressure. Achieving can

794
00:47:15,080 --> 00:47:20,120
Speaker 1: be pressure. Being able to self regulate and make hard

795
00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:23,120
Speaker 1: decisions and do things under pressure is part of the

796
00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:26,719
Speaker 1: human experience. And the dichotomy is that while this is

797
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:30,960
Speaker 1: a requirement for thriving and surviving and building resilience. At

798
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:34,600
Speaker 1: the same time, many of us are addicted to comfort

799
00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:39,200
Speaker 1: and certainty and predictability. So talk to us about as

800
00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:45,600
Speaker 1: a coach helping people to become better performers under pressure. Please.

801
00:47:49,360 --> 00:47:51,359
Speaker 3: I want to go back to a conversation I had

802
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:56,279
Speaker 3: with a colleague of mine because he's Okay, is just

803
00:47:56,520 --> 00:48:02,520
Speaker 3: absolutely brilliant. He is a doctor at Yale University and

804
00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:06,640
Speaker 3: he trains teams of doctors, and we were having a

805
00:48:06,680 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 3: conversation about a subject that is coming up increasingly, which

806
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:16,960
Speaker 3: is burnout. It's talking about, well, some major causes of

807
00:48:17,040 --> 00:48:20,319
Speaker 3: burnout that he has seen in his physicians are they

808
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:27,439
Speaker 3: cannot see into the horizon right like next month will

809
00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:30,839
Speaker 3: be markedly different than it is today, Like what I'm

810
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:37,880
Speaker 3: struggling with it can get better. And they seem to

811
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:41,080
Speaker 3: struggle with a sense of self of learned helplessness. So

812
00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:43,600
Speaker 3: no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work,

813
00:48:43,719 --> 00:48:46,719
Speaker 3: no matter how hard I try, things are not going

814
00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:50,080
Speaker 3: to be different. And I think that's really important is

815
00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 3: a sense of meaning that is bigger than your daily struggles.

816
00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:59,160
Speaker 3: And there's a lot of short like there's a lot

817
00:48:59,239 --> 00:49:01,640
Speaker 3: of uncertain in the world. There's a lot of fear

818
00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:05,080
Speaker 3: in the world that's understandable, like what is that meaning?

819
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:07,440
Speaker 3: Like what is most important to you? What does that

820
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:11,600
Speaker 3: look like in the future, and what are things that

821
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:13,840
Speaker 3: you can do every day. This is why habit formation

822
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:17,200
Speaker 3: is so critical, because it's not just in developing the habit.

823
00:49:17,640 --> 00:49:22,040
Speaker 3: It's like you are engaging in something and that engagement

824
00:49:22,360 --> 00:49:26,320
Speaker 3: is evidence of ability that is connected to a future

825
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:32,040
Speaker 3: state that by itself decreases the adverse effects of living

826
00:49:32,080 --> 00:49:35,919
Speaker 3: in a high stress environment. Just that, just that expanded

827
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:41,760
Speaker 3: locus of control because the thing and the competence behind

828
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:44,840
Speaker 3: the thing is inseparable. I say, if I do this

829
00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:47,399
Speaker 3: every day, it's going to lead to that, and every

830
00:49:47,480 --> 00:49:50,960
Speaker 3: day I engage in it is the irrefutable evidence, or

831
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:53,640
Speaker 3: as James Clear says, it is the vote I am

832
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:58,600
Speaker 3: casting for who I am, my identity. So I think

833
00:49:58,680 --> 00:50:06,239
Speaker 3: that that's CRITI call and also knowing. I think knowing

834
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:10,920
Speaker 3: when to when to pull back, like resilience is about adaptability.

835
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:14,879
Speaker 3: It's like knowing when to keep going and knowing when

836
00:50:14,920 --> 00:50:18,040
Speaker 3: to unplug. I think that's critical as well, because at

837
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:21,880
Speaker 3: some point you know you're when you get completely exhausted

838
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 3: and frustrated. You don't have the capacity to engage in reasoning,

839
00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:32,200
Speaker 3: planning and proper decision making. So having that level of

840
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:34,640
Speaker 3: honesty and self awareness is probably important.

841
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:37,880
Speaker 1: And what about for you, t If I want you

842
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:40,239
Speaker 1: to answer this too, but Bobby will go first, if

843
00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:45,840
Speaker 1: that's all right, Like a mistake or a failure, or

844
00:50:45,880 --> 00:50:48,279
Speaker 1: a disappointment or a fuck up, whatever you want to

845
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:53,600
Speaker 1: call it, that you experienced yourself something that didn't turn

846
00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:55,640
Speaker 1: out how you wanted it to or thought it would,

847
00:50:55,719 --> 00:50:59,760
Speaker 1: something that was, maybe from the outside looking in, a failure,

848
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:03,359
Speaker 1: but it ended up for you being like a light

849
00:51:03,440 --> 00:51:07,680
Speaker 1: bulb moment or an awakening or a lesson that became

850
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:10,839
Speaker 1: invaluable moving forward. I'm sure there's a bunch of these,

851
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:14,680
Speaker 1: because I think, you know, for people like well, people

852
00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:17,279
Speaker 1: like me anyone, I'm sure you too, Like I tend

853
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:19,480
Speaker 1: to more, I tend to learn more when I fuck

854
00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:21,719
Speaker 1: something up than when I get something right. But is

855
00:51:21,760 --> 00:51:23,640
Speaker 1: there anything that springs to mind for both of you?

856
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:24,840
Speaker 1: We'll start with you, Bobby.

857
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:29,440
Speaker 3: I was hoping we would start with tear F here, because,

858
00:51:30,719 --> 00:51:33,439
Speaker 3: like you've just described the past two years of my life,

859
00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:37,799
Speaker 3: and this is something I haven't been very good at

860
00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:38,759
Speaker 3: as of lait.

861
00:51:42,160 --> 00:51:45,239
Speaker 1: I think also before you dive in, so what is it?

862
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:47,360
Speaker 1: But I also want people because I mean, this is

863
00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:49,400
Speaker 1: not for you or tier for me. This is for

864
00:51:49,520 --> 00:51:53,640
Speaker 1: our listeners, like I want them because this is everyone

865
00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:56,120
Speaker 1: like people are. We're always fucking up. We're always getting

866
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:59,080
Speaker 1: let down, We're always letting ourselves down, We're always getting

867
00:51:59,120 --> 00:52:01,480
Speaker 1: things right and wrong. Also, we're always waking up in

868
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:03,120
Speaker 1: the middle of a trough, not a peak, all that

869
00:52:03,320 --> 00:52:07,160
Speaker 1: human shit. I mean, how do we turn the negative

870
00:52:07,239 --> 00:52:12,680
Speaker 1: components of our experiences as much as possible anyway without

871
00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:16,279
Speaker 1: being delusional? Rah rah self helpers? How do we try

872
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:18,840
Speaker 1: and turn that around so there's something positive in that

873
00:52:19,000 --> 00:52:22,160
Speaker 1: that I can then go cool. Yeah, I didn't want

874
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:24,560
Speaker 1: that to happen. It did happen, But here's what I learned,

875
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:25,279
Speaker 1: and here's what I know.

876
00:52:26,640 --> 00:52:28,839
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's that's what I'm saying because I'm coming at

877
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:31,760
Speaker 3: this from my own perspective and I want full DISCLOSU

878
00:52:31,760 --> 00:52:33,600
Speaker 3: because I don't want to be a hypocrite. He going, oh, well,

879
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:36,680
Speaker 3: here's what you would do. Meanwhile, I've been struggling with

880
00:52:36,760 --> 00:52:38,839
Speaker 3: this shit myself, so I just want to be very

881
00:52:39,040 --> 00:52:46,400
Speaker 3: clear about that looking back. One, sit in it, like

882
00:52:46,600 --> 00:52:50,480
Speaker 3: you don't have to have a strategy, have a definition

883
00:52:50,719 --> 00:52:54,520
Speaker 3: and explanation or clarity straight away, Like sit in it

884
00:52:54,640 --> 00:52:58,360
Speaker 3: for a little while because your emotions are probably running

885
00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:01,680
Speaker 3: so high and you're probably who depleted that if you

886
00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:03,920
Speaker 3: jump into okay, what does this mean? I got to

887
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:06,480
Speaker 3: fix this? I going to move forward, You're probably going

888
00:53:06,560 --> 00:53:09,160
Speaker 3: to bring yourself to a point and burnout, which is

889
00:53:09,200 --> 00:53:12,759
Speaker 3: going to make everything worse. Second is perspective, like when

890
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:15,399
Speaker 3: you're explaining this in your head, and this is something

891
00:53:15,520 --> 00:53:20,399
Speaker 3: that I became aware of recently. Any time you look

892
00:53:20,560 --> 00:53:25,040
Speaker 3: at a massive life disappointment as it was all my fault,

893
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:30,759
Speaker 3: like everything that happened was me, or it was not

894
00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:34,960
Speaker 3: my fault at all, like it was everything and everyone

895
00:53:35,040 --> 00:53:40,440
Speaker 3: outside of me. Both perspectives are damaging and delusional because

896
00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:45,360
Speaker 3: that's just not reality. You're always involved in what happens,

897
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:49,880
Speaker 3: regardless of your intention to some degree, and you are

898
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:53,280
Speaker 3: not almighty, all knowing and all powerful to where everything

899
00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:58,200
Speaker 3: is your fault. I think I think that there's a

900
00:53:58,239 --> 00:54:01,799
Speaker 3: lot of thought fallacies in that, so being measured. First

901
00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:05,120
Speaker 3: of all, take a look at what happened not not

902
00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:08,400
Speaker 3: your feelings about it, not what you need. You can

903
00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:12,879
Speaker 3: examine that later, but just look at what happened. Then

904
00:54:12,920 --> 00:54:16,759
Speaker 3: start to go, Okay, why did this impact me the

905
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:21,239
Speaker 3: way it did? Like, what was I hoping for in

906
00:54:21,760 --> 00:54:25,160
Speaker 3: this decision and this course of action? What was sacred

907
00:54:25,239 --> 00:54:28,520
Speaker 3: to me? What did I value that caused me to

908
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:31,840
Speaker 3: pursue this, or maybe what caused me to pursue it

909
00:54:32,239 --> 00:54:35,600
Speaker 3: was an abandonment of my values, and my ego took

910
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:38,560
Speaker 3: over to where I know, I want one thing, but

911
00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:40,800
Speaker 3: oh I really wanted everyone to see me as this

912
00:54:40,960 --> 00:54:44,759
Speaker 3: other thing. So I took this career choice even though

913
00:54:45,520 --> 00:54:48,680
Speaker 3: it didn't mean anything to me personally. But you know

914
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:53,759
Speaker 3: Dad would be proud. So really examine what were your

915
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:58,040
Speaker 3: motivations behind this, and then what are some of the

916
00:54:58,200 --> 00:55:01,560
Speaker 3: most important lessons, like you said, that you can pull

917
00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:07,000
Speaker 3: out of it? How do those lessons apply to helping

918
00:55:07,120 --> 00:55:11,080
Speaker 3: you align more with the values you hold, the identity

919
00:55:11,239 --> 00:55:13,799
Speaker 3: that you want to cultivate for yourself that you would

920
00:55:13,840 --> 00:55:18,240
Speaker 3: be proud of that you uncovered it in the introspective

921
00:55:18,320 --> 00:55:20,320
Speaker 3: part of this in the first place. And what's like

922
00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:27,200
Speaker 3: one small step that you can take exercising the lessons

923
00:55:27,280 --> 00:55:31,880
Speaker 3: you've learned, and that's not perfect, and it still sucks

924
00:55:32,040 --> 00:55:35,120
Speaker 3: and it's still going to hurt. But I think that

925
00:55:36,400 --> 00:55:42,480
Speaker 3: kind of gives you insights and actions that, regardless of

926
00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:44,759
Speaker 3: what you're going through emotionally, can kind of put you

927
00:55:44,880 --> 00:55:47,760
Speaker 3: in a state of forward momentum towards the next chapter

928
00:55:47,880 --> 00:55:52,239
Speaker 3: of your life, where in hindsight this won't have as

929
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:52,759
Speaker 3: much weight.

930
00:55:55,520 --> 00:55:58,240
Speaker 1: Thank you, Robert. I've don't know that you actually told

931
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:01,000
Speaker 1: us specifically when fuck up that you made at all,

932
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:02,200
Speaker 1: but anyway, that's okay.

933
00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:06,839
Speaker 3: I yeah, I don't, I know, that's all right.

934
00:56:07,000 --> 00:56:07,480
Speaker 1: It was good.

935
00:56:07,640 --> 00:56:09,520
Speaker 3: It was both of you know this fuck up very

936
00:56:09,640 --> 00:56:10,000
Speaker 3: very well.

937
00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:12,600
Speaker 1: No, no, no, you did well, you did well. I'm

938
00:56:12,640 --> 00:56:15,560
Speaker 1: just fucking with you. Tif what's something a mistake of

939
00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:19,000
Speaker 1: fuck up, of failure that actually became something of a

940
00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:21,480
Speaker 1: positive when you got your head around it or moved

941
00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:21,800
Speaker 1: through it.

942
00:56:23,120 --> 00:56:25,520
Speaker 2: But I think I bang on this about this one

943
00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:31,759
Speaker 2: a lot, which was the businesses I went into and

944
00:56:32,640 --> 00:56:35,080
Speaker 2: that didn't go well. But as Bobby was talking, I

945
00:56:35,200 --> 00:56:37,800
Speaker 2: just had the chance to reflect a little because I've

946
00:56:37,800 --> 00:56:41,680
Speaker 2: always said I really tend to thrive and find my

947
00:56:41,880 --> 00:56:44,560
Speaker 2: feet in the middle of adversity. So when shit hits

948
00:56:44,600 --> 00:56:46,640
Speaker 2: the fan, and I was like, that's not helpful for people.

949
00:56:46,800 --> 00:56:49,440
Speaker 2: But what I remembered was last year I listened to

950
00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:53,759
Speaker 2: a podcast with Stephen Bartlett speaking to a doctor. I

951
00:56:53,840 --> 00:56:55,759
Speaker 2: can't remember his name, but I was obsessed with it.

952
00:56:55,840 --> 00:56:57,760
Speaker 2: And one of the things he said, and it always

953
00:56:57,800 --> 00:57:03,319
Speaker 2: stuck with me, was about negative energy being the primary

954
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:07,239
Speaker 2: motivator for change, the primary driver, and so it was

955
00:57:07,239 --> 00:57:10,680
Speaker 2: talking about the idea of venting. So what comes with

956
00:57:10,880 --> 00:57:15,320
Speaker 2: that influx of hugely negative energy is this influx of

957
00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:20,160
Speaker 2: motivation and that begins this wave that I then get

958
00:57:20,200 --> 00:57:23,360
Speaker 2: on and ride. And so I tend to make the

959
00:57:23,480 --> 00:57:26,920
Speaker 2: most of shitty situations that are out of my control.

960
00:57:27,800 --> 00:57:30,120
Speaker 2: And I guess I put it down to that is

961
00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:32,920
Speaker 2: it comes with that, So I lean on that when

962
00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:35,120
Speaker 2: shit hits the fan or doesn't go the way I

963
00:57:35,240 --> 00:57:35,560
Speaker 2: want it to.

964
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:39,040
Speaker 1: HM. Very good, very specific.

965
00:57:39,160 --> 00:57:39,600
Speaker 2: I like it.

966
00:57:39,720 --> 00:57:45,320
Speaker 1: Thank you, giddy up butter cups. Well that might do us.

967
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:48,480
Speaker 1: That was good. I mean, I think for me, if

968
00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:50,840
Speaker 1: I was thinking about when both of you were chatting,

969
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:55,400
Speaker 1: I was thinking, what's something that I not so much

970
00:57:55,440 --> 00:57:57,560
Speaker 1: a fuck up, but just something that I got wrong

971
00:57:57,720 --> 00:58:02,520
Speaker 1: or I think a flaw in my thinking and my motivation.

972
00:58:03,960 --> 00:58:06,200
Speaker 1: And this is a little bit embarrassing, but this is

973
00:58:06,360 --> 00:58:11,400
Speaker 1: just true. I think when I was younger, I really

974
00:58:11,520 --> 00:58:16,880
Speaker 1: wanted to be popular. I wanted people to just think

975
00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:19,720
Speaker 1: I was great, And even early days of doing all

976
00:58:19,800 --> 00:58:24,040
Speaker 1: the stuff, like I chased popularity. That's not the only thing,

977
00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:27,360
Speaker 1: but I really wanted that. And then I kind of

978
00:58:27,480 --> 00:58:32,280
Speaker 1: realized popularity is not love. Popularity is not like it's

979
00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:36,200
Speaker 1: kind of almost like emotional fairy floss. And so I've

980
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:44,160
Speaker 1: shifted from being enamored with that to being more not

981
00:58:44,360 --> 00:58:47,200
Speaker 1: concerned is not the right word, but more aware of

982
00:58:48,120 --> 00:58:54,440
Speaker 1: or wanting to be respected rather than necessarily liked. You know,

983
00:58:54,560 --> 00:58:56,680
Speaker 1: I don't want people to dislike me. I definitely don't

984
00:58:56,680 --> 00:59:01,440
Speaker 1: want to be unpopular, but it's like, yeah, when for me,

985
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:04,600
Speaker 1: when your driver is popularity, you're probably not going to

986
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:08,760
Speaker 1: say some things sometimes which you actually think are true

987
00:59:08,840 --> 00:59:13,000
Speaker 1: and potentially powerful, because you don't want to fuck three

988
00:59:13,160 --> 00:59:16,280
Speaker 1: people off, so you tend to And I used to

989
00:59:16,360 --> 00:59:19,240
Speaker 1: do this. Obviously, we know I don't do now, but

990
00:59:19,320 --> 00:59:21,560
Speaker 1: I used to do it a little bit where and

991
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:23,760
Speaker 1: I know I get called the velvet sledgehammer and all

992
00:59:23,840 --> 00:59:26,800
Speaker 1: that shit, but believe it or not. I used to

993
00:59:26,840 --> 00:59:30,360
Speaker 1: be super aware of just not saying anything because I

994
00:59:30,440 --> 00:59:32,200
Speaker 1: was a bit of a people pleaser. I want everyone

995
00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:34,840
Speaker 1: to fucking love me. And One, it doesn't work. They're

996
00:59:34,880 --> 00:59:36,640
Speaker 1: not all going to love you. Two people are still

997
00:59:36,680 --> 00:59:39,920
Speaker 1: going to hate you. Three it doesn't work on a

998
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:44,080
Speaker 1: personal level, for it lacks integrity and authenticity, you know.

999
00:59:44,720 --> 00:59:48,880
Speaker 1: And five the more, as long as I'm compassionate and

1000
00:59:49,000 --> 00:59:52,040
Speaker 1: as long as my intentions are in the right place,

1001
00:59:52,120 --> 00:59:54,080
Speaker 1: I'll still get things wrong, by the way, even with

1002
00:59:54,200 --> 00:59:57,600
Speaker 1: good intentions. But I'm way more comfortable in my own

1003
00:59:57,720 --> 01:00:00,760
Speaker 1: skin now, even though I have blue hate me and

1004
01:00:00,840 --> 01:00:07,760
Speaker 1: hate my shit than I've ever been steps down off soapbox.

1005
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:11,720
Speaker 2: I love that I was before you said the word integrity,

1006
01:00:11,720 --> 01:00:14,080
Speaker 2: I was going to ask you, is it more about

1007
01:00:14,240 --> 01:00:15,080
Speaker 2: integrity now?

1008
01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:16,200
Speaker 3: Yeah?

1009
01:00:16,400 --> 01:00:21,000
Speaker 1: And I And I mean what I love about talking

1010
01:00:21,040 --> 01:00:23,160
Speaker 1: to Bobby, talking to you, what I love about having

1011
01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:27,080
Speaker 1: these conversations where it's not scripted, We're not following anything.

1012
01:00:27,200 --> 01:00:29,160
Speaker 1: We go where we go, there's a bit of banter,

1013
01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:31,800
Speaker 1: there's a bullshit, bit of bullshit. We don't have to

1014
01:00:31,920 --> 01:00:34,680
Speaker 1: agree on everything. If we get on here and always

1015
01:00:34,800 --> 01:00:38,800
Speaker 1: agree on everything everyone, then you know, it's bullshit. You know,

1016
01:00:39,000 --> 01:00:43,480
Speaker 1: the conversations bullshit. If we always agree on everything, then

1017
01:00:43,560 --> 01:00:49,600
Speaker 1: we're just producing some kind of podcast fairy philosopher mass consumption.

1018
01:00:49,960 --> 01:00:53,320
Speaker 1: I like the fact that we don't see either eye

1019
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:56,880
Speaker 1: on everything, we don't always overlap or because that's the

1020
01:00:57,040 --> 01:01:02,320
Speaker 1: fucking human experience, you know. And I think the fact

1021
01:01:02,360 --> 01:01:04,600
Speaker 1: that all of us get on here and we think

1022
01:01:04,720 --> 01:01:08,760
Speaker 1: out loud about what makes things work for humans and

1023
01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:13,480
Speaker 1: what matters for humans, and how we do and think

1024
01:01:13,560 --> 01:01:17,800
Speaker 1: better ourselves individually, but also how we as coaches and

1025
01:01:18,120 --> 01:01:23,040
Speaker 1: fans of people and supporters of people, how we strive

1026
01:01:23,200 --> 01:01:26,240
Speaker 1: to be a positive in others' lives while also being

1027
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:31,240
Speaker 1: kind of dysfunctional ourselves. And as I've said many times,

1028
01:01:31,280 --> 01:01:33,560
Speaker 1: I think it's true for all of us. If I

1029
01:01:33,680 --> 01:01:35,760
Speaker 1: wait until I've got all my shit together before I

1030
01:01:35,880 --> 01:01:40,000
Speaker 1: help people, I'm never helping one person. So you know,

1031
01:01:40,560 --> 01:01:42,400
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be one or the other. It

1032
01:01:42,520 --> 01:01:45,640
Speaker 1: can be both. Bobby, how do people connect with you

1033
01:01:45,800 --> 01:01:46,880
Speaker 1: and follow you? My friend?

1034
01:01:49,080 --> 01:01:57,520
Speaker 3: Well, I might have a stalker. That's one methodology, right, Okay,

1035
01:01:58,000 --> 01:02:02,360
Speaker 3: so we're more appropriate, would you know? I'm no, I'm

1036
01:02:02,360 --> 01:02:05,880
Speaker 3: not saying I would. I just think. I just think

1037
01:02:06,000 --> 01:02:09,280
Speaker 3: I have a stalker because, like, there's this person that

1038
01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:12,320
Speaker 3: follows me home every single day. I mean it's not

1039
01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:14,800
Speaker 3: the same person, it's a different person every day, but

1040
01:02:15,080 --> 01:02:19,840
Speaker 3: you know, it feels like stalking. More appropriately, you can

1041
01:02:20,480 --> 01:02:24,160
Speaker 3: connect with me on LinkedIn or on Robert Cupuccio dot

1042
01:02:24,240 --> 01:02:26,320
Speaker 3: com sefbo dot com.

1043
01:02:27,320 --> 01:02:30,440
Speaker 1: If have you noticed his amazing capacity not to answer

1044
01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:31,720
Speaker 1: the simplest of questions.

1045
01:02:33,520 --> 01:02:37,240
Speaker 2: It's like he goes high performance human that no one's

1046
01:02:37,280 --> 01:02:38,720
Speaker 2: got a fucking license to drive.

1047
01:02:40,240 --> 01:02:41,880
Speaker 1: Yes, it's like fucking good.

1048
01:02:42,360 --> 01:02:43,200
Speaker 2: How do we steer it?

1049
01:02:44,200 --> 01:02:46,960
Speaker 1: Yeah? How do we just? Let's hold his brain in

1050
01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:50,560
Speaker 1: those special gloves, don't fucking drop it. We don't exactly

1051
01:02:50,680 --> 01:02:54,120
Speaker 1: know how it works. We know it works, but nobody understands.

1052
01:02:55,240 --> 01:02:56,800
Speaker 3: If you ever had the question in your mind what

1053
01:02:56,880 --> 01:03:03,000
Speaker 3: happens when traumatic brain injury meets to rats, there it is.

1054
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:07,760
Speaker 1: It's like quantum physics. We all know it's brilliant, we

1055
01:03:07,960 --> 01:03:12,640
Speaker 1: just don't exactly know what the fuck it means. Tiffany

1056
01:03:12,680 --> 01:03:15,080
Speaker 1: and Cook, thank you so much, Bobby, thank you. We'll

1057
01:03:15,120 --> 01:03:19,080
Speaker 1: say goodbye a fair but listeners appreciate you. If you're

1058
01:03:19,120 --> 01:03:23,200
Speaker 1: not on the You Project Facebook page, go over there

1059
01:03:23,400 --> 01:03:26,000
Speaker 1: sign up there's fucking nothing. There's no cost. There's just

1060
01:03:26,080 --> 01:03:29,080
Speaker 1: a community of people maybe like you, that want to

1061
01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:32,120
Speaker 1: talk and interact and give feedback on the show and

1062
01:03:32,240 --> 01:03:36,000
Speaker 1: suggest ideas and be part of a community that's actually

1063
01:03:36,200 --> 01:03:40,800
Speaker 1: not screaming at each other and shoving horrible opinions and

1064
01:03:40,880 --> 01:03:43,880
Speaker 1: bloody biases down each other's throat. We thought we'd try

1065
01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:47,480
Speaker 1: something new, a positive space on the internet, So come

1066
01:03:47,560 --> 01:03:49,680
Speaker 1: and join us. Thanks guys,