1 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Carly Taylor and if you're new to 2 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 1: the podcast, yes, it is the Paul Taylor Podcast. But 3 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: every Monday I bring you a short, practical episode to 4 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 1: kickstart your week. And what my goal is is to 5 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:29,520 Speaker 1: make these as useful as possible so you can navigate 6 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:32,480 Speaker 1: the ups and downs of being human, whatever that looks 7 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 1: like for you. Right now and today, I want to 8 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,840 Speaker 1: talk about well I consider to be a really essential 9 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: skill for managing the struggle that we so often find 10 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 1: ourselves in when painful emotions and thoughts show up. And 11 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,880 Speaker 1: the skill I'm going to be talking about comes from ACT, 12 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:55,120 Speaker 1: which is acceptance and commitment therapy, and it's called willingness. 13 00:00:56,200 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 1: So willingness is connected to the acceptance. Part of ACT 14 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:07,240 Speaker 1: and part of acceptance is an understanding that our automatic 15 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 1: thoughts and emotions are not within our control, but what 16 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,200 Speaker 1: is within our control is how we respond to them. 17 00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:17,800 Speaker 1: And that's where this skill of willingness can really help 18 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,479 Speaker 1: us with this. And look, it would be great if 19 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 1: we didn't feel painful emotions like sadness or anxiety or fear, 20 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:29,680 Speaker 1: but that's not realistic because these emotions, just like the 21 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:33,800 Speaker 1: ones that feel great, are part of our human humanness, 22 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,319 Speaker 1: part of our human nature. You know, we experience them 23 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,440 Speaker 1: and we can't do anything about that, and of course 24 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:44,080 Speaker 1: we can influence them once they show up. But what 25 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: many of us do is we exert a huge amount 26 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: of energy struggling with them, you know, by trying to 27 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 1: avoid them or get rid of them. But given what 28 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,920 Speaker 1: we pay attention to our brain commits cells to, it 29 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:06,280 Speaker 1: can actually make them worse. And there's this popular metaphor 30 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,520 Speaker 1: in the Act Circle, which I first heard from Russ Harris, 31 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 1: who is an act educator and practitioner. I'm sure many 32 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 1: of you have probably read his books, but I really 33 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: love this metaphor because it illustrates this struggle. So imagine 34 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 1: all your painful emotions and those self defeating, self critical 35 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:30,680 Speaker 1: thoughts were a monster. So let's call it the struggle monster. 36 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 1: This monster represents all this stuff that you're struggling with, 37 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 1: and of course you want to get rid of the 38 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 1: struggle monster, so you challenge it to a tug of 39 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,920 Speaker 1: war with a rope. So you position yourself and the 40 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:48,640 Speaker 1: monster either side of this big, deep pole, and all 41 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,960 Speaker 1: your energy goes into trying to pull the monster into 42 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,600 Speaker 1: the hole, and your thinking is if you can do this, 43 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,400 Speaker 1: if you can get the monster to fall into the hole, 44 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 1: then you're rid of allful thoughts and emotions and then 45 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,840 Speaker 1: you can get on with your life. But the problem 46 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 1: is the struggle monster is really strong. The harder you pull, 47 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,880 Speaker 1: the stronger it seems to get, and then before you 48 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:18,080 Speaker 1: know it, you're inching closer and closer to that deep 49 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: hole yourself. So all this energy is going into this 50 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:28,640 Speaker 1: fight and it's exhausting. And meanwhile, what's behind you. It's 51 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 1: your life, your family, your friends, your work, the beautiful 52 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: world around you. But you're so focused on getting this 53 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 1: struggle monster into the hole that you don't notice any 54 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 1: of that. So what can you do. You can drop 55 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:48,400 Speaker 1: the rope, so stop playing the struggle game. Let the 56 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,640 Speaker 1: monster be there, but without giving it all your energy. 57 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,720 Speaker 1: So it may still tag along looking a bit deflated 58 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,520 Speaker 1: because you're not playing the dug of war with it. 59 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:02,200 Speaker 1: But by dropping the rope, you're free to turn around 60 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:06,720 Speaker 1: and engage with your life. You're not fighting these painful emotions. 61 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:11,360 Speaker 1: You're choosing to be here in the moment without letting 62 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:17,200 Speaker 1: these thoughts and these emotions run your life. So by 63 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 1: being willing to experience the emotions without the struggle means 64 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 1: you're allowing yourself to be here now, even if you 65 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:30,600 Speaker 1: don't like it. It's not about embracing them. It's more 66 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 1: about experiencing your emotions, experiencing your thoughts, and you can 67 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:39,520 Speaker 1: get curious about them, but without judging them as good 68 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: or bad. You can notice them there, you can name 69 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,920 Speaker 1: them like there's anxiety, but then shift to what is 70 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,960 Speaker 1: more useful and important to you, and that is your values. 71 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,720 Speaker 1: Your values are what is deeply important to you, deep 72 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,160 Speaker 1: in your heart. So let's give an example. So let's 73 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 1: say you're feeling I'm really anxious, and you've got this 74 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:06,360 Speaker 1: work project that you need to focus on. So rather 75 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 1: than getting stuck into the mental tug of war with 76 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:14,000 Speaker 1: that anxiety, trying to pull that anxiety monster into the hole, 77 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,920 Speaker 1: you choose to turn towards your value of let's say, 78 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:23,480 Speaker 1: commitment or competence. So you put your energy into the 79 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 1: work itself. And what is interesting is that research shows 80 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 1: by refocusing on something productive, the intensity of that emotion 81 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,720 Speaker 1: can dial down and it could infade over time. But 82 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,680 Speaker 1: that's not actually the goal. The goal isn't to get 83 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:44,560 Speaker 1: rid of it. It's to live alongside it, to coexist 84 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:48,200 Speaker 1: with it. But what the research finds is that it 85 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:52,520 Speaker 1: can start to fade over time. So a question I 86 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,200 Speaker 1: often ask my clients is, on a scale of one 87 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 1: to ten, how willing are you to experience these emotions 88 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: or thought while you do what's really important to you. 89 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,400 Speaker 1: So one is no way, it's not happening, I'm not 90 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,600 Speaker 1: doing it, and ten is piece o cake, Bring it on, 91 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,440 Speaker 1: I'm ready. And of course you don't have to go 92 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:17,760 Speaker 1: straight to ten straight away. So Joseph Crouci, who is 93 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,919 Speaker 1: a research professor and has published more than one hundred 94 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: and fifty scientific journal articles, many of them on act, 95 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,520 Speaker 1: and has written many many books, he uses the metaphor 96 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:33,679 Speaker 1: of a diving board, So you think willingness like different 97 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 1: levels of the diving board. So you can start with 98 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:40,039 Speaker 1: the lowest level, something that's really manageable, and then as 99 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,800 Speaker 1: your confidence builds, you might try a higher level, and 100 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 1: eventually you might go up to the highest. So willingness 101 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 1: means that or learning this skill of willingness means that 102 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,840 Speaker 1: you don't have to wait. You don't have to wait 103 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,359 Speaker 1: for your anxiety or your fear or your sadness to 104 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 1: go away before you can live fully. You don't need 105 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: to solve or analyze why you're feeling what you're feeling. 106 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 1: You simply let yourself be just as you are while 107 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:17,320 Speaker 1: you get on with what's important. So as you go 108 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:22,520 Speaker 1: through your week, start to notice when you are struggling 109 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:25,679 Speaker 1: with that struggle monster. Start to notice when you've picked 110 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:29,000 Speaker 1: up that rope and started that tug of war with 111 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: your emotions. And if you're willing, try dropping the rope. 112 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,480 Speaker 1: Let the struggle monster be there without giving it your energy, 113 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: and then turn towards what truly matters. Knowing the struggle 114 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,720 Speaker 1: monster might still be there in the background, but you 115 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 1: are still getting on with your life. And this is 116 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: a skill to practice. It's not easy, because sitting with 117 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 1: painful emotions is not easy, but with practice, it can 118 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,040 Speaker 1: lead you on the part that you want to take. 119 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: It doesn't stop you from moving forward. So thanks for 120 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:11,480 Speaker 1: joining me on today's Mojo Monday. Practice that willingness and 121 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,640 Speaker 1: watch what happens when you free your free up your 122 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 1: energy for the things that bring meaning and joy to 123 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 1: your life. And I will see you next week. Bye.