1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:05,960 Speaker 1: When you look at Australian politics, as we have all 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: probably have been tried very hard not to do this 3 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:09,840 Speaker 1: last week or so because it's been weak to nothing. 4 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,480 Speaker 1: But you'll know there's a thing called a preference deal 5 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,880 Speaker 1: in that you can vote one for one person and 6 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:20,599 Speaker 1: you can vote two for the person you think well 7 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,680 Speaker 1: maybe just as good. And the way you number those 8 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: boxes can change who can win power because different parties 9 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: do different deals with their preferences, which is the way 10 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 1: they put them in which direction, So if your guy 11 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:36,320 Speaker 1: doesn't win, then the preference number two box or whatever 12 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: it goes to that vote. And these have been really powerful. 13 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,440 Speaker 1: They've played a huge role and eventually who ends up 14 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,800 Speaker 1: in power. Quite famously, the Hawk government maintained power at 15 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 1: an election when the preferences from the Australian Democratic Party 16 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 1: eventually handed them the election. Similarly, it was preferences that 17 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,960 Speaker 1: got Darren Hinch his seat in the Australian Senate. But 18 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,800 Speaker 1: do you know that you can make a preference deal 19 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 1: with yourself and what you can win is better day today, 20 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,040 Speaker 1: Particularly if your day's going a bit shit today, maybe 21 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,160 Speaker 1: you might be feeling terrible about something that should have 22 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:11,200 Speaker 1: happened or something that you could have done. We're going 23 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:15,320 Speaker 1: to get to the personal preference countpack deal such a 24 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:23,640 Speaker 1: tough twister right after this good day, Welcome to the show. 25 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,680 Speaker 1: This is better than Yesterday, making it better every single 26 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 1: episode since twenty thirteen. Every week we are here twice 27 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,160 Speaker 1: a week, and every episode is here to just ad 28 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,600 Speaker 1: make today better than yesterday. Does what it says on 29 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 1: the box. Something you hear on this show, I guarantee 30 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: you will make today feel a little bit better than yesterday. 31 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,640 Speaker 1: My name's Oshia Ginsburg and I'm grateful you as a 32 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,960 Speaker 1: part of the show. If you want to get in 33 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: touch with me, send osher Email at gmail dot com 34 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,600 Speaker 1: is my email address, and if you jump in the 35 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,440 Speaker 1: show notes, that's where you can also find tickets to 36 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 1: live shows. There's a few more coming up. There was 37 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: a time not too long ago. Actually it was a 38 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,520 Speaker 1: little while ago now, but it was a significant time 39 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: in my life. When I was I took adversity very differently. 40 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:06,560 Speaker 1: I was the kind of person who'd get disproportionately upset 41 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 1: if someone merged into my lane without indicating. Disproportionately upset 42 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,320 Speaker 1: is grown up speak for I had a man tantrum 43 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,400 Speaker 1: and this person merging into my lane. By they're indicating 44 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 1: and making me point zero zeros there are two seconds 45 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,239 Speaker 1: late to the red light we were both heading to. 46 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 1: I would fly off the handle. But the truth is 47 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 1: I wasn't getting road rage about the person. I wasn't 48 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 1: getting road rage about what was happening on the road. 49 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 1: I was mad that the world was not bending to 50 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,200 Speaker 1: an internal script that I had written rules that I 51 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,360 Speaker 1: have in my brain, which read, you will not cut 52 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: in front of me. But here's the kicker. A lot 53 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,760 Speaker 1: of us are walking around doing exactly that, expecting the 54 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,000 Speaker 1: universe and the people around us to follow a set 55 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,679 Speaker 1: of rules. Except those rules are just in our head 56 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,800 Speaker 1: and nobody else knows about them. Don't worry. It's a 57 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 1: very human thing to do, but it can be very exhausting. 58 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:06,560 Speaker 1: And this is the human and exhausting world of rigid thinking. 59 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 1: Rigid thinking can happen in a headspace where everything feels 60 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: like it should be a certain way, like my partner 61 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: should know what I need without me having to tell them, 62 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 1: like don't think no, people should be driving how I 63 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:23,600 Speaker 1: want them to drive. I should be more successful by now. 64 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,359 Speaker 1: Should is a shitty word. I've talked about it when 65 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 1: I did the Abby commin episode. Should is a little 66 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 1: like a miniature tyrant living inside of us, and it 67 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:38,800 Speaker 1: turns preferences into ultimatums, and the general of the ultimatum 68 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,080 Speaker 1: army gives that big speech like at the start of Pattern, 69 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,240 Speaker 1: to all the soldiers waiting on the hilltop of dawn. 70 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 1: If things aren't absolutely perfect, or if something is wrong 71 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,240 Speaker 1: with you, or something is wrong with them, or something 72 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 1: is wrong with everything, by God, we're not gonna have 73 00:03:54,720 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: that charge you geh. You crack the shit And it 74 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 1: feels like something that will keep us safe, but it 75 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: can often end up doing just the opposite. It's actually 76 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,800 Speaker 1: linked with this rigid thinking is linked with higher anxiety, 77 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 1: more likelihood of depression, burnout, all of the really nasty stuff, 78 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 1: And it doesn't make your fun at parties either. Let's 79 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,760 Speaker 1: be honest, but this is where things get interesting. One 80 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,720 Speaker 1: of the best tools to avoid that kind of pain 81 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:28,080 Speaker 1: and conflict around things that you absolutely cannot control doesn't 82 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 1: come from an expensive therapist or a Sunshine Coast Hintland 83 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:37,720 Speaker 1: wellness healing retreat. It comes from a reframe. A reframe 84 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 1: is so gentle, so deceptively small, that's almost a Jedi 85 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,880 Speaker 1: mind trick. And I like to call it a preference deal, 86 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,840 Speaker 1: and that you make a deal with yourself over a preference. 87 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:54,440 Speaker 1: Let me explain, instead of saying people must respect me, 88 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: you can reframe it. Well. Well, firstly, you notice like 89 00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,040 Speaker 1: I'm getting a bit pissed off. W I'm I pissed off? Oh, 90 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 1: because a feeling just inspected. Ah, right, here comes to preference. 91 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,320 Speaker 1: I would prefer it if people respected me, but I 92 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 1: know I will be okay even if they don't. Hmmm. 93 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,560 Speaker 1: You're putting like this little velvet rope around your experiences, 94 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 1: aren't you. You're able to protect your values, but you 95 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,320 Speaker 1: don't get a kick in the emotional shins every time. 96 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,479 Speaker 1: Reality is just you know, watching TikTok videos on the 97 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: train with the sound up full on this speaker. There 98 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 1: was a psychiatrist by the name sorry psychologist, actually by 99 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,480 Speaker 1: the name of Albert Ellis. He's one of the grandfathers 100 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 1: of modern psychology. And he called this sort of thing 101 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:43,599 Speaker 1: disputing irrational beliefs because you can get caught another word 102 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 1: for Richard thinking, which I love, and he coined this phrase. 103 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 1: He said, you can caught up in musturbation. As in, 104 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,160 Speaker 1: this must be this way and this must be that way, 105 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,840 Speaker 1: and the pun is definitely intended. That's really what he 106 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 1: called it, musturbation. When I hear it, it does refer to 107 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,839 Speaker 1: the compulsive nature of that and the idea that it 108 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,120 Speaker 1: kind of gives you a bit of a payoff. So 109 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,800 Speaker 1: we do keep doing it. But if you do it 110 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:09,480 Speaker 1: too much, you can you can, you can hurt Ellis. 111 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,960 Speaker 1: Also he argued that things rigid, things like musts I 112 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,280 Speaker 1: must succeed or they must approve of me. Those are 113 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,039 Speaker 1: things that are the real culpriates behind most of the 114 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:22,479 Speaker 1: pain we feel emotionally. But if we can do a 115 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 1: preference deal, suddenly we've got a bit of wiggle room. 116 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: But this isn't about lowering your standards. It's not insisting 117 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,320 Speaker 1: you'd just go with the flow and you know where 118 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,680 Speaker 1: nothing matters. No, no, no, no no no. Preferences most definitely 119 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,760 Speaker 1: do not mean giving up. They don't mean being a doormat. 120 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 1: They don't mean loosening the psychological death group of these emotions. 121 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 1: Upon you think a bit like this, I guess you 122 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,920 Speaker 1: still want things to go well, and you still show up, 123 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,680 Speaker 1: and you still really hope that your son doesn't throw 124 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,160 Speaker 1: your phone in the toilet when they nike it off you. 125 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,480 Speaker 1: But if they do, you don't collapse into a wee 126 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,760 Speaker 1: water puddle of oh my god, this always happens to me. 127 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: Just pick up the phone, towel off the SIM card, 128 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 1: and pop it in a bowl of ice and move on. 129 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: Because you had a preference, I prefer it if he 130 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,520 Speaker 1: doesn't pop it in the toilet, but you know what, 131 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,920 Speaker 1: I'll be okay if it does. You have a preference, 132 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: not a commandment. And here's why this matters for more 133 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 1: than just your sanity. This isn't personal development fluff. This 134 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: is stuff that I've learned from some very very clever doctors. 135 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: They helped me a lot. But you would have also 136 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 1: seen it on a community level, how rigid thinking can 137 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 1: really mess us up. During the pandemic, there were certain 138 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 1: communications that were very rigid and certain communications that are 139 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,200 Speaker 1: very preferential. So there was rigid thinking. If you look 140 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 1: around the world, that rigid messaging you must do this 141 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:46,200 Speaker 1: or else often backfired. People rebelled, people froze, people doomscrolled. 142 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 1: But when the public health experts led with kind of 143 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 1: more values based communication would prefer you isolate because we 144 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: want to protect each other. People kind of leaned into 145 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:59,480 Speaker 1: it and the message became more collaborative human in some places. 146 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,960 Speaker 1: Actually is it effective and the science backs it up. 147 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:06,120 Speaker 1: The fancy term for not sounding like a dickhead and 148 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,240 Speaker 1: trying to enroll people and having some agency is called 149 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:14,600 Speaker 1: autonomy supportive language. Using some old ASL, people tend to 150 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 1: actually engage with that messaging. It's proved that autonomy supportive 151 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,560 Speaker 1: language the outcomes aligned with that messaging are far higher. 152 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: Whether you're encouraging I don't know, mask use or just 153 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 1: trying to get your kids to eat vegetables, it works. 154 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 1: So how do you do a preference deal with yourself? 155 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 1: I'll get to that on the other side of this break. 156 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,959 Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to the show talking about doing 157 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,079 Speaker 1: a preference deal with yourself. Going from rigid thinking like 158 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:53,559 Speaker 1: you must not talk over me, or you must always 159 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:58,400 Speaker 1: know what I want for my birthday. I don't want 160 00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 1: to have to tell you where I want to go 161 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 1: out whatever, you should know. The first part of doing 162 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: this is just noticing. I know I talk about this 163 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 1: a lot, but it really is just noticing where those 164 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 1: little sneaky shoulds and must show up, especially at the 165 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,040 Speaker 1: root of any feeling you have in your body. The 166 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,600 Speaker 1: next thing you do is quite gently, not with a 167 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 1: belt sander, but maybe a little polishing chammy, just try 168 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: to kind of sand those things back a little bit, 169 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,080 Speaker 1: take the edges off those And it starts with asking 170 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,559 Speaker 1: yourself a couple questions. What is it that I'm demanding 171 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:33,840 Speaker 1: right now? Is there something that I could prefer instead, 172 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,600 Speaker 1: and what might that feel like? And how would I 173 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,439 Speaker 1: cope with the outcome if things don't go my way? 174 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,680 Speaker 1: And it could sound like, look, I must get this 175 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:48,520 Speaker 1: right becomes I prefer to get this right, but I 176 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:51,040 Speaker 1: know I learned from mistakes. Failure is what learning looks like. 177 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: Or they should understand me, can become Look, I'd prefer 178 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,440 Speaker 1: it if they understood me. But I can try to 179 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:04,719 Speaker 1: explain this again. Or maybe I can't handle this becomes 180 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,840 Speaker 1: obviously I'd rather not be in this situation. But I've 181 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 1: survived everything up until now, so I'm sure some of 182 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,840 Speaker 1: this too. It's not magic, but it does provide a 183 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 1: shift a space between the stimulus and the response, And 184 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 1: this is where something new, something different, something kinder to 185 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,880 Speaker 1: everyone around you and yourself can actually happen. So how 186 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,360 Speaker 1: am I going with this? Well, look, I'm a work 187 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,840 Speaker 1: in progress and all of us are. There's certainly days 188 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,680 Speaker 1: when people cut me off in traffic and my brain 189 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:37,280 Speaker 1: still goes full rustling gladiator. Unacceptable. He was in my 190 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,600 Speaker 1: dream last night. I dreamed about Ussell Crowlastgner the side 191 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: line of a south scam. So I'll go unacceptable. But 192 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,439 Speaker 1: you know, if there was one thing I learned from 193 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 1: my motorcycle training is that the quicker you can calm 194 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,160 Speaker 1: down after someone does something silly, the quicker you can 195 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 1: get your heart rate back down and breathe that quarters 196 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,440 Speaker 1: all the way, the better chance you have surviving in 197 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,199 Speaker 1: the next fifty meters because that person doesn't care. Yeah, 198 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 1: they've cut you off and they've gone away, but you 199 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,560 Speaker 1: need to keep your head on straight because something else 200 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:06,959 Speaker 1: is going to happen. And I've gone pretty good at that. 201 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,440 Speaker 1: It's pretty interesting. Like I said, it just begins with 202 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 1: noticing whether the word should or could have should as 203 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,439 Speaker 1: usually other people could have as you noticing where those 204 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,760 Speaker 1: ideas are at the foundation of whether you're upset or 205 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,719 Speaker 1: maybe you're angry or something about it, and then you 206 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: do a preference deal with yourself and then when something 207 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 1: happens that would otherwise knock you sideways. If you've been 208 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,360 Speaker 1: practicing for a while, you won't really realize it until afterwards, 209 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,840 Speaker 1: But suddenly you'll find yourself not getting as unregulated as 210 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 1: usually did. And then inside you afterwards you go hang 211 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,319 Speaker 1: on that used to really throw me, and then your 212 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:45,200 Speaker 1: little internal Anthony Green will get real excited and point 213 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,880 Speaker 1: out a big pie chart on a massive big screen 214 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 1: next to him, and then you can cut away to 215 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 1: a random, far away RSL victory party in your honor 216 00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 1: because you did a good preference deal with yourself listening 217 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,680 Speaker 1: to the show figuring want to get in touch with me. 218 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,600 Speaker 1: There's a link in the show notes to the substack. 219 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,319 Speaker 1: You can also get story Club tickets there. I'll put 220 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 1: the link there as well. Thanks to Adam Bancher, who 221 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: helped me up with this episode today, have a great Monday. 222 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:17,679 Speaker 1: See you on Wednesday.