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Speaker 1: Approache production.

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Speaker 2: For the record.

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Speaker 1: I'm done trying to make y'all comfortable for the record.

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Speaker 1: You ain't trying to grow downy stuff for your fort

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Speaker 1: the record, laugh on me going all the way way

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Speaker 1: for the record. Ain't trying to link, No, trying to

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Speaker 1: waste stop for.

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Speaker 3: The record, for the record, for the for the record, for.

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Speaker 1: The reading, for the record, for the record.

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Speaker 2: For the record.

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Speaker 1: I'm done trying to make y'all comfortable, right.

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Speaker 4: You know, people don't realize that I'm in feeding at

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Speaker 4: like twenty four seven, twenty four hours a day, like

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Speaker 4: going to sleep or not. And this sounds fucking dumb,

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Speaker 4: but it's scary and I don't know why, and I

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Speaker 4: don't know why it happens, but yeah, it's so hard

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Speaker 4: to explain panic disorder. And when it comes on, you

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Speaker 4: feel like you're gonna fucking die and freak out or

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Speaker 4: flip out, and you've got crazy, crazy things running through

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Speaker 4: your fucking head and you're thinking, you know, why am

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Speaker 4: I thinking this stuff? Like you know, and you've got

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Speaker 4: to bring try and bring yourself back to reality, and like,

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Speaker 4: you know, all that's happening right now is that you've

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Speaker 4: got a shit ladder adrenaline and running through your body

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Speaker 4: and for no reason at all, and you're freaking out,

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Speaker 4: like you're just fucking losing it, And.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's real.

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Speaker 4: It's real difficult.

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Speaker 5: Do you find with your gambling that that gave you

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Speaker 5: anxiety or did it actually give you a sense of

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Speaker 5: I have to be switching off to the world and

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Speaker 5: focusing on the fucking free spins.

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Speaker 2: Look.

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Speaker 4: I remember my first anxiety attack and I was would

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Speaker 4: have bean fucking seventeen, and I was riding home from

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Speaker 4: my mate's house and I was pushing my bike up

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Speaker 4: the hill and my heart started racing and I felt

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Speaker 4: really fucking weird, and I was and it lasted for

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Speaker 4: about ten seconds. It was only very minor, and I

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Speaker 4: was like, whoa, what the fuck was that? Anyway, I

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Speaker 4: thought nothing of it, so, you know, I still continued,

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Speaker 4: you know, smoking weed whatever. And then we turned eighteen,

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Speaker 4: then we started taking ecstasy.

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Speaker 2: There was none of this.

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Speaker 4: You know, I'm only thirty five, but when I was eighteen,

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Speaker 4: there was no I've never even heard of fucking cocaine. No,

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Speaker 4: it wasn't even around like people with ecstasy. It was

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Speaker 4: fucking ecstasy or speed.

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Speaker 2: And that's right. It wasn't nice. It was just it

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Speaker 2: was just gas.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And we so we started, you know, taking ecstasy

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Speaker 4: on weekends and we're, you know, we're doing our thing

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Speaker 4: and smoking a lot of weed and whatnot. Anyway, I

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Speaker 4: started working for my uncle, and my uncle, you know,

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Speaker 4: he's he's had a you know, he don't well, he

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Speaker 4: does drugs.

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Speaker 2: Yep.

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Speaker 4: Fuck, I don't even know we should say that, but whatever,

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Speaker 4: we don't need to know his name, but yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 4: look and I worked for him for a bit, and

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Speaker 4: you know, I knew he did drugs. And he offered

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Speaker 4: me some speed yep, and I took it and he

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Speaker 4: said he you're sure you've had this? And I thought

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Speaker 4: I did, but I hadn't. And I went to a

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Speaker 4: party on the weekend and I was smoking marijuana where

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Speaker 4: and we came home and we're smoking weed with my friends,

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Speaker 4: and you know, this is the same night he gave

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Speaker 4: me that stuff in the avo and that early morning

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Speaker 4: when I'm with my friends smoking weed after a party

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Speaker 4: day or left, and then all of a sudden, this

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Speaker 4: fucking panic just went like and I was fucking shit myself,

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Speaker 4: ringing the hospital like I'm fucking dying. They're like no,

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Speaker 4: you just having a panic attack. You need to calm down.

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Speaker 4: I'm freaking the fuck out, and my parents were away

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Speaker 4: and everything, so I was there by myself, and I'm thinking,

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Speaker 4: I'm laying in the ground in a fetal position, and

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Speaker 4: I'm going I'm going crazy, Like have I got schizophrenia

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Speaker 4: or have I lost my fucking mind? Or you know.

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Speaker 4: I didn't know what was going on, and it just

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Speaker 4: it fucked me for months. I was just sleeping on

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Speaker 4: on the I remember I was sleeping. I was fucking

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Speaker 4: eighteen years old, sleeping on the floor next to my parents'

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Speaker 4: bed because I was that fucking scared and I didn't

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Speaker 4: know what was going on, and they didn't know, you know,

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Speaker 4: mental even what I am now thirty five, So when

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Speaker 4: I was eighteen, how many years ago is that you

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Speaker 4: so eighteen years yeah? Okay, well eighteen years ago. Even then,

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Speaker 4: mental health wasn't so what it is now. The unification

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Speaker 4: wasn't there. Something was just oh, look take the tablet and.

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Speaker 2: This is yeah.

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Speaker 4: So even my parents, and they love me and they

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Speaker 4: care about me, they didn't even and it's not their fault,

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Speaker 4: but they didn't know, you know, they didn't know, so

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Speaker 4: you know, This went on for a period of time

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Speaker 4: where I couldn't even leave the fucking house. I was

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Speaker 4: flipping the fuck out. Anyway, I ended up graduately gradually

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Speaker 4: it kind of faded away, and I hadn't touched weed

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Speaker 4: or anything because I thought, fuck, if I touch that,

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Speaker 4: I'm going to fucking die. So I went to another

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Speaker 4: party and I ended up smoking again, and it came

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Speaker 4: back even worse, and I flipped the fuck out, and

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Speaker 4: it just yeah, it's just fucking crazy. And anyway, from

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Speaker 4: that moment on, I never touched drugs again in my life.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, I think it's been since I was like nineteen,

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Speaker 4: I haven't touched drugs because I'm too afraid.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because I think, which.

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Speaker 5: Look, as I guess in hindsight, especially in the way

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Speaker 5: things are today, scared the life out of you. You know,

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Speaker 5: it has allowed you to.

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Speaker 2: Never, I guess, be curious and never want to go

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Speaker 2: down there.

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Speaker 4: Nah, because look, mate, I can't tell you how many

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Speaker 4: times I've been drunk, even after this whole power fishing,

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Speaker 4: and I've been out and people are throwing cocaine at

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Speaker 4: me coming in tall It's like, you know, I've never

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Speaker 4: even done cocaine once.

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Speaker 2: It's just I.

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Speaker 5: Think that they think that, you know, oh, yeah, he

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Speaker 5: does drugs, You're the powerfish.

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Speaker 2: He does drugs, you know.

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Speaker 4: But no, and you know, I've never been tempted at all.

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Speaker 4: And I know it sounds so dumb because the people

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Speaker 4: like it's just a panic attack, calm down, like it's

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Speaker 4: not a big deal, like it until you know, it's

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Speaker 4: until it's fucking happened to you, like you have no

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Speaker 4: fucking idea, And that's that's where it began. And you know,

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Speaker 4: thenciety and panic disorder has never really left my life.

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Speaker 4: It's always been there, but it comes in waves and

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Speaker 4: it comes high and it goes slow. So I think

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Speaker 4: for now, like it's been nearly fifteen years. No, yeah,

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Speaker 4: it would been thirteen years. I reckon that I've been

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Speaker 4: taking actual medication for this disorder, and it's been the

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Speaker 4: same medication for this long, but it's never fixed it,

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Speaker 4: and it's never really even taken it fifty percent away.

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Speaker 4: But I haven't changed the other medications or anything. I've

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Speaker 4: been too afraid and I've just wanted to stay on

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Speaker 4: this and it got to a point where I was

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Speaker 4: comfortable living, but there were boundaries which I could and

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Speaker 4: couldn't do. And some of these boundaries and people might

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Speaker 4: not understand. It's maybe a form of agrophobia mixed in

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Speaker 4: with the panic disorder, where you can't leave too far

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Speaker 4: away from your house, and the further you go away

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Speaker 4: from your house, the more you feel that you think

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Speaker 4: these are going to come on and grab you and

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Speaker 4: fuck you up, and you feel like you're gonna die.

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Speaker 4: Even though you know in your head you're not going

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Speaker 4: to die, you still think and when you think about

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Speaker 4: these things, that's when it comes on. So it happened,

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Speaker 4: I don't know, say, fucking fifty kilometers away from my house.

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Speaker 4: The next time I go back fifty kilometers, I'm thinking

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Speaker 4: in my head, hang on, when I was here last time,

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Speaker 4: it fucking got me. It's gonna get me again. And

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Speaker 4: by you thinking about it, it brings it on.

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Speaker 2: It does. Yeah.

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Speaker 5: So, and just to touch on that too, and if

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Speaker 5: you don't mind, I mean, we've been planning to sit

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Speaker 5: down and do this, you know, for a little bit now, and.

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Speaker 2: This is what happens.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, it pops up and we're not that far from

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Speaker 5: each other, you know, and unfortunately it's just something that

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Speaker 5: you know, we have to overcome and for people that

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Speaker 5: don't understand.

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Speaker 2: For Willem actually being here today.

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Speaker 5: It's absolutely huge and I've got to be really honest, mate,

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Speaker 5: I'm so proud of you and grateful for you to

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Speaker 5: take that step because it's not okay.

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Speaker 4: I don't expect people to understand, you know, it's fuck.

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Speaker 4: It's one of those things. If you haven't got it,

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Speaker 4: you don't know. But you know, I get messages of

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Speaker 4: people and they say, oh, you know, like fuck, you're

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Speaker 4: such a good role model, like you, but you come

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Speaker 4: out the other side of it, and it's like, no,

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Speaker 4: I fucking haven't. I'm still living. I'm still in the

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Speaker 4: same fucking place. I really am.

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Speaker 2: Coming out the other side.

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Speaker 5: And I think you need to really sort of give

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Speaker 5: yourself a bit of credit here. I mean, Docta said.

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Speaker 5: Some of my guests have fought some heavy addictions. I

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Speaker 5: had a lawyer from Brisbane whom you know, come on,

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Speaker 5: who make battle one of the toughest addictions. I have

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Speaker 5: had another great man, Russell Mansu, with a heroin addiction.

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Speaker 5: You had a gambling addiction.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, gambling and drug addiction.

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Speaker 2: But let's talk about it.

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Speaker 5: Let's let's get right in and I want to come

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Speaker 5: through to how you overcome it.

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Speaker 2: What was the day like.

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Speaker 4: For Yeah, Wow, it was basically waking up up and

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Speaker 4: doing anything I could lie, never stole, but lie to

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Speaker 4: get money from family and friends. Yeah, it's very difficult

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Speaker 4: to talk about. It's very embarrassing, and.

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Speaker 5: It'd be embarrassed brother, because at the end of the day,

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Speaker 5: it's your story, and I truly believe that there's not

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Speaker 5: a person out there after hearing this would ever feel embarrassed.

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Speaker 5: I guess it's like me opening up about my sexual

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Speaker 5: abuse that I endured and suffered.

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Speaker 2: It's not easy.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's not, but what.

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Speaker 2: You're doing is hopefully stopping others.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and look, gambling is a very very dangerous addition. Wow,

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Speaker 4: Like I can't believe the hold it had on me

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Speaker 4: and changed my life so much that I was a

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Speaker 4: completely different person. It's exactly, if not worse, to being

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Speaker 4: a very heavy drug addict, because you will do anything

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Speaker 4: to get money, just to press that fucking machine to

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Speaker 4: watch that.

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Speaker 2: Those real spinch just sit there all day.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah, you sit there all day and you get written.

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Speaker 2: I get written drinking at the same.

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Speaker 4: Time everything, And this is this is near the end

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Speaker 4: of where I stop photography, always in and out of

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Speaker 4: the pawn shop, howking all my ship, anything I could

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Speaker 4: fucking get that was mine. It was going in there,

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Speaker 4: and I was going to get that money, and I

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Speaker 4: was going to put it through those machines. Whether I

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Speaker 4: won five ten grand, it was all going to go

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Speaker 4: go back in. I was never going to leave with

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Speaker 4: the money.

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Speaker 2: What was the what was the rush? What was the

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Speaker 2: chase behind it? For those that never gambled.

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Speaker 4: The addiction is so crippling and strong. It's so hard

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Speaker 4: to even try and explain that. You're just not yourself.

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Speaker 4: And I'm walking in these places. I don't even want

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Speaker 4: to fucking win.

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Speaker 2: I don't.

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Speaker 4: It's a fucking sound. It's the smells, it's an alcohol,

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Speaker 4: it's fuck, it's everything.

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Speaker 2: It's the corner of it. Well it's not there.

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Speaker 4: And so everything that leads up to actually gambling itself,

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Speaker 4: and I mean just the mission and the adventure of

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Speaker 4: trying to get that money in the first place and

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Speaker 4: then go there, So the steps that lead up to it,

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Speaker 4: it's all part of it.

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Speaker 6: So in this case, this game that we're seeing here

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Speaker 6: is titled Super Chicken. The bonuses are based on the

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Speaker 6: hatching of baby chicks. There needs to be something that

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Speaker 6: pulls them to the machine, and that's what the graphics

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Speaker 6: are like.

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Speaker 2: See that.

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Speaker 5: That's very interesting you say that, and I'll just put

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Speaker 5: this in the you know, for example, like my life

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Speaker 5: getting done with drug importation and others that we've had

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Speaker 5: on the show with different hires and rushers. You know,

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Speaker 5: the whole logistics behind creating, preparing, waiting, getting, it's.

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Speaker 2: All on edge. It's all exciting, you know. Fuck, I

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Speaker 2: wouldn't even I.

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Speaker 5: Don't even have a conversation with me today about it.

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Speaker 5: But the point of what I'm saying is in reference

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Speaker 5: to what you're describing, is you're chasing. Yeah, every stage

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Speaker 5: of it is exciting for that moment, you know, but

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Speaker 5: there's always that fucking other side, isn't there.

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Speaker 4: I wanted to lose, really I did. Yeah I did.

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Speaker 4: At the same time I had a good did you

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Speaker 4: actually win? Like yeah one many times and it all

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Speaker 4: went straight back in. I was never ahead, you know,

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Speaker 4: you gambling, you never ahead. You had to lose a game.

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Speaker 4: It's fucking it's not rocket science, you know. But yeah,

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Speaker 4: look I was. It was a self destruction course as well.

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Speaker 4: It was me trying to escape reality from my mental health,

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Speaker 4: and it was an addiction that was inevitably I was

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Speaker 4: gonna kill myself. And it all kind of stopped when

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Speaker 4: I said, if I don't stop now, it's even one thing,

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Speaker 4: key gambling or go kill yourself.

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Speaker 5: That was it, And that was where it got to

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Speaker 5: that deep that Yeah, you had the only two options,

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Speaker 5: that was it.

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Speaker 2: That was it. Did you have any support around you

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Speaker 2: at the time? Did you look very alone?

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Speaker 4: My parents are very supportive, but I'd never tell them

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Speaker 4: the truth. I would never open up completely about it

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Speaker 4: and say that, you know, I want to kill myself

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Speaker 4: or you know, because I don't want him to worry,

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Speaker 4: of course, you know. But I did have a partner

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Speaker 4: that I met, you know, in my well, my worst

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Speaker 4: part of my life. I met her and she was

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Speaker 4: there for me every step of the way. And she

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Speaker 4: was very vulnerable at the stage. You know that there

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Speaker 4: was stuff that happened that shouldn't happened, and but she

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Speaker 4: stood by my side the whole time and.

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Speaker 2: You still with her today.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's so crazy to think that she would

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Speaker 4: put up with that and be there like that time

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Speaker 4: of my life, what I was going through, I really

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Speaker 4: can't believe it was.

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Speaker 2: There an automatum was there that time at all.

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Speaker 5: Like a lot of relationships where it's either fucking stop

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Speaker 5: or I'm gone.

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Speaker 2: I was here with you.

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Speaker 4: Look there was she said many times, if you keep

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Speaker 4: doing what, I'm going to leave you. I was too selfish,

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Speaker 4: I was I didn't care.

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Speaker 2: I didn't care.

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Speaker 4: But she hung in there with you, and she just

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Speaker 4: stayed because she said that she knew it was going

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Speaker 4: to stop, which it it did. But then I relapsed.

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Speaker 4: I've actually relapsed a few times, but I haven't gambled

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Speaker 4: now since December yet December last year, and those relapses,

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Speaker 4: they they were pretty major, but they were very short

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Speaker 4: period lasting.

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Speaker 5: I don't think there's anyone will and this goes across

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Speaker 5: the board that you will find that has an addiction

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Speaker 5: of any type that hasn't had a relapse.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think it's the relapse that creates the success. Uh.

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Speaker 1: For the record, I'm done trying to make y'all comfortable

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Speaker 1: for the record. You ain't trying to grow downy stuff

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Speaker 1: for you for the record, Live on me going all

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Speaker 1: the way for the record. Ain't trying to link, no,

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Speaker 1: trying to waste stop.

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Speaker 3: For the record for the record for the for the

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Speaker 3: record for the record. Yea for the record for the record.

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Speaker 4: Yeah h