1 00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:05,920 Speaker 1: That's really what anxiety is. We see it as this pesky, 2 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: annoying thing that we just want to numb out or 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:11,480 Speaker 1: get rid of. But if we use it as that messenger, 4 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:15,560 Speaker 1: and we gently, curiously kind of follow it and we say, hey, 5 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,760 Speaker 1: what's this anxiety got to show me and teach me? 6 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: It will take you on the most amazing path. It 7 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: will take you back to a more whole version of 8 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 1: yourself and you'll end up feeling grateful for it. 9 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 2: Hello and welcome to the heart of it. And today 10 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 2: we are recording on gadigal Land. Today's guest is Georgie Collinson, 11 00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:41,479 Speaker 2: one of Australia's leading anxiety experts, with a particular focus 12 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:45,760 Speaker 2: on relationship anxiety. Don't we all have that at some 13 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 2: point or another. She's the internationally best selling author behind 14 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:55,120 Speaker 2: the Anxiety Reset Method, which was featured on Oprah's Book 15 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,960 Speaker 2: Club in twenty twenty three, which is quite the thing. 16 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:02,160 Speaker 2: Now she's back with a powerful new book, Master Your 17 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 2: Relationship Anxiety, diving deep into the fears, doubts and patterns 18 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:11,240 Speaker 2: that can sabotage our love lives, from love bombing to 19 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:16,080 Speaker 2: abandonment fears. Georgie breaks down the psychology of romantic anxiety 20 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 2: and how to navigate it with clarity, confidence, and calm. 21 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,039 Speaker 2: Have a listen to this. 22 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 3: One, Hey, Georgie Collinson, how are you. 23 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,320 Speaker 1: I'm doing really well. How are you guys? 24 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:31,559 Speaker 2: Good? 25 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 3: Very well, Thank you for joining us. 26 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 2: Before we started, Cam was like, oh, this is the 27 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,280 Speaker 2: one on anxiety that would just makes me anxious. 28 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,840 Speaker 3: Do you reckon? I mean, you've written two books on 29 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 3: anxiety in your experience. Do you think we all have 30 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 3: anxiety to some degree? 31 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 1: That's such a good question. I would say anxiety is 32 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,600 Speaker 1: part of our human experience. I mean, there is so 33 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,960 Speaker 1: much in our environment that sets us up to experience it. 34 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 1: Just the news, the information overload, the social media, not 35 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,359 Speaker 1: to mention, our relationship stresses and work and there's never 36 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,600 Speaker 1: enough time. We're always so busy, and so yeah, there's 37 00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:19,840 Speaker 1: so many reasons to create and generate that anxiety for anyone. 38 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,760 Speaker 1: And then there's some of us who struggle with it 39 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:26,079 Speaker 1: more in that debilitating sense, or we might be more 40 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:31,079 Speaker 1: like how I work with people with high functioning anxiety, 41 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,359 Speaker 1: which is where we get it all done and all 42 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 1: our responsibilities tend to be well maintained, but inside it's 43 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,800 Speaker 1: a very different story. We're feeling this persistent worry. There's 44 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:43,680 Speaker 1: usually a lot of pressure on ourselves, a big inner critic, 45 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:47,600 Speaker 1: and that's becoming more and more sort of the norm 46 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:50,120 Speaker 1: of how we many of us are in society. 47 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,480 Speaker 3: I think you just described me. 48 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,720 Speaker 2: I think she described a lot of it. 49 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: I get that a lot. 50 00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:00,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, I can imagine a high functioning anxiety people. As 51 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 2: Cam mentioned, you've written two books, The Anxiety Reset Method 52 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,920 Speaker 2: and Master Your Relationship Anxieties is your latest book. It's 53 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:13,080 Speaker 2: actually a term I'm not specifically heard. So what is 54 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,239 Speaker 2: relationship anxiety? 55 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: Such a good question. So it's essentially anxiety, persistent worry, 56 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:27,120 Speaker 1: self doubt, insecurity related to pertaining to the context of relationships. 57 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: And this can impact people who are single as well 58 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:33,080 Speaker 1: or in a relationship. You could be with someone who 59 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 1: is very stable, very trustworthy, and still have that anxious 60 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 1: mind worring within you, saying, but what if something happens 61 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,280 Speaker 1: to them? Or what if I'm I'm not quite safe? 62 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: In some ways, our mind will bring up all of 63 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:51,240 Speaker 1: these doubts and fears and worries in various ways, and 64 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,119 Speaker 1: we can go into those different categories of how that presents. 65 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:59,960 Speaker 1: But it's such a situation in a relationship with an 66 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,920 Speaker 1: the person that can generate our anxious fears and those 67 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 1: deepest doubts just by the nature of loving someone and 68 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 1: the vulnerability the risk that it is to love. 69 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 3: Okay, So that can happen between a child and a parent, 70 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:20,040 Speaker 3: that can happen between lovers obviously, and friendships as well, 71 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:21,719 Speaker 3: any kind of relationship. 72 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 1: The book is more in the context of a romantic 73 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 1: intimate partnership, but hey, you know, a lot of those 74 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:33,359 Speaker 1: concepts will apply more universally. It's just that using the 75 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: framework of a romantic relationship, there's just more nitty gritty 76 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,719 Speaker 1: we can dive into in that context. But of course, yes, 77 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 1: it's going to pertain to different relationships too. 78 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,479 Speaker 3: Okay, So how does the anxiety show up? 79 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 1: So we've got four types that we usually see this 80 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,680 Speaker 1: relationship anxiety playing out in. There's the fear of loss 81 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,040 Speaker 1: or abandonment is the first one, which is what if 82 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 1: they leave me? And if you have that sense, like 83 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,479 Speaker 1: I said, you've got this person. You know they are 84 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,440 Speaker 1: you know, by your side, they are your loyal best friend, 85 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,719 Speaker 1: there might be a fear of well, what if something 86 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,240 Speaker 1: happens to them? You know? That can morph into some 87 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,839 Speaker 1: kind of other potential loss. Then we've got the fear 88 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: of needing someone's approval, of getting their rejection, which essentially 89 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 1: is what if I'm not good enough for them? What 90 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 1: if I'm too needy. It can manifest is, you know, 91 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,760 Speaker 1: judging certain scrutinizing areas of the relationship. What if we're 92 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,760 Speaker 1: not having sex enough, what if I'm not pleasing them 93 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:34,039 Speaker 1: in some way. The third type is the fear of 94 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 1: being trapped in a bad situation, which is like, what 95 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 1: if there are red flags in this relationship? Or how 96 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,280 Speaker 1: do I know that this is really healthy? Or how 97 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: do I know this is the right person for me? 98 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,200 Speaker 1: This idea of the one which we really get fixated on. 99 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: And then the fourth type is the fear of losing 100 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,960 Speaker 1: your identity and your personal autonomy in a relationship. And 101 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,840 Speaker 1: so this can manifest is needing space all the time, 102 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: or fanizing about being with someone else and maybe I'd 103 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:08,440 Speaker 1: be happier in another relationship, or essentially anything to kind 104 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,919 Speaker 1: of push away a little more from that relationship. 105 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:17,919 Speaker 2: And do you find that the anxiety springs from past 106 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:22,680 Speaker 2: trauma in relationships specifically, or is it just something that 107 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 2: can manifest on its own, it. 108 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 1: Will always have its roots in our past experiences. And 109 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: that's the interesting thing. Yes, I mean, look, there may 110 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,159 Speaker 1: well be the rare exceptions where someone is just merely 111 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 1: skipping down the lane in their life and has never 112 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,919 Speaker 1: known a negative relationship before and somehow stumbles into a 113 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 1: situation full of red flags. But I mean the reality 114 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:52,360 Speaker 1: is there's usually some kind of precursor to normalize that 115 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: experience for someone so that it's already familiar. Then we 116 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,200 Speaker 1: don't react to the red flags. We see that anger 117 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:03,040 Speaker 1: outburst or you know, the abusive words or the love 118 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:07,159 Speaker 1: bombing that can occur early on as normal as this 119 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 1: is just how love is, how relationships are, and all 120 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,520 Speaker 1: that conditioning begins when we're children. And if we've only 121 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: known healthy, stable, safe relationships in our lives where you 122 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: can be yourself, you can say what you're feeling, no 123 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 1: one's going to shut you down or call you too 124 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:25,320 Speaker 1: sensitive or too much. Then you're going to feel this 125 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: sense of this is weird being in anything less than that, 126 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 1: you will naturally be protected or want to make moves 127 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 1: away from those scenarios. So, yes, there's always going to 128 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:41,400 Speaker 1: be some thread, and it's so cliche, but it goes 129 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 1: back to our childhood. We are replicating our initial bond 130 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:50,520 Speaker 1: with one or both of our parents, and what wasn't 131 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: what needs weren't met, what moments of pain weren't resolved 132 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 1: with a partner later in life. 133 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,920 Speaker 3: So then based on that, do you advocate to people 134 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,360 Speaker 3: to have therapy and work out their childhood's stuff before 135 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 3: entering relationships. 136 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: That's a great question too, and I would say it 137 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 1: can be both. So there's actually this journey that we 138 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 1: take through our love experiences in life, and it tends 139 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 1: to go through three different stages, which I also outline 140 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 1: in the book. And this is where I just want 141 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,240 Speaker 1: to say, we don't have to do all of our 142 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,320 Speaker 1: healing on our own. I think that's a really big 143 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 1: message out there. If you have to be by yourself 144 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 1: and go into this deep healing phase before you can 145 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,720 Speaker 1: actually meet someone healthy or have a healthy relationship, or 146 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,520 Speaker 1: you can't just jump from one relationship to another. I 147 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,520 Speaker 1: think we're all on very different paths with that, and 148 00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: it's okay to take your own path, and you can 149 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,840 Speaker 1: also reflect on yourself and whether that is in therapy 150 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:56,079 Speaker 1: or with some kind of book you're reading or a podcast. 151 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 1: You know, there's different ways that we can do that 152 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 1: self awareness that's really really beneficial. But these three stages 153 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: we move through and think about in your own life 154 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,319 Speaker 1: or people that you know. You'll generally see people move 155 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: through these three stages. It's fascinating. But the first one 156 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 1: we can move through it with different partners or potentially 157 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,600 Speaker 1: the same partner if we've met that one person when 158 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,360 Speaker 1: we're seventeen, and then we're just with them forever. The 159 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:24,240 Speaker 1: first stage is base love, and this is the partner 160 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,239 Speaker 1: that we meet. Usually it just feels kind of effortless. 161 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:32,200 Speaker 1: You just come together. It's sweet, it's young love, and 162 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:38,080 Speaker 1: the relationship kind of works until something just pulls you 163 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,240 Speaker 1: in different directions. Maybe you're studying in different places, maybe 164 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:46,079 Speaker 1: different career paths. Maybe someone figures out that they're actually gay, 165 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:50,280 Speaker 1: or someone has some kind of realization you don't really 166 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,960 Speaker 1: know yourself yet when you meet that person, and so 167 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,520 Speaker 1: then we move into the next phase. We might feel 168 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:59,319 Speaker 1: called to move into what we call chaotic love. And 169 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:03,720 Speaker 1: this is where it's heaven and it's hell all at once. 170 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,720 Speaker 1: It's like the most amazing and love passionate experience you've had, 171 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,959 Speaker 1: and yet it's awful too. All of your wounds will 172 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 1: come up, all of the stuff that I mentioned earlier 173 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:17,440 Speaker 1: that hasn't been resolved since our childhood will come up 174 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,800 Speaker 1: in that chaotic love phase. And this is where we'll 175 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: see people who are in those really uncomfortable patterns of 176 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:27,439 Speaker 1: being attracted to emotionally unavailable people just can't seem to 177 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: find the right person and cycling through relationships. Or again, 178 00:10:31,679 --> 00:10:33,679 Speaker 1: if you're with the same person, maybe you go through 179 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,840 Speaker 1: a really rough time of not getting each other. Or 180 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,400 Speaker 1: this could be maybe the story where someone gets a 181 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,679 Speaker 1: couple gets divorced, but then they find their way back 182 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,439 Speaker 1: to each other later. And then the last phase. If 183 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,560 Speaker 1: we learn our lessons, if we do that growth work 184 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:51,319 Speaker 1: and we start to show up as the healthiest partner 185 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 1: we can be and a more whole version of ourselves 186 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,920 Speaker 1: and really know ourselves well, we can move into expansive love, 187 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:01,600 Speaker 1: which is this side by side partnership where we get 188 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,840 Speaker 1: to grow together. And it's not going to be perfect, 189 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: as I'm sure you guys know you talk about on 190 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 1: your podcast all the time, but it's this opportunity to 191 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 1: stick together through the ups and downs of life, and 192 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:19,280 Speaker 1: it's someone that you can move and evolve with, and 193 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 1: it's a very different experience coming into that expansive love. 194 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,199 Speaker 1: Once we've you know, we can kind of own our 195 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,320 Speaker 1: stuff a bit more. We're better at expressing what we need, 196 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 1: and the relationship can function a lot better. 197 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,120 Speaker 2: Relate, relate, relate on all levels. 198 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:39,960 Speaker 3: Georgie, Well, that chaotic, we're kind of an expensive. 199 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:45,440 Speaker 2: Well, it's helpful when you've got someone, like I've said 200 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,199 Speaker 2: about you before, that's willing to keep going on the 201 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 2: journey for self exploration. Like I think that's where I 202 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 2: think relationships can come undone when one person is doing 203 00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 2: it and the other person isn't whatever. But you know, 204 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,839 Speaker 2: that's that's where I think it's important to you know, 205 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 2: to travel and traverse those places individually, but it's still 206 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,560 Speaker 2: going in the same direction, you know what I mean. 207 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:23,680 Speaker 2: So I love that you said, Georgie, that you don't 208 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,440 Speaker 2: have to have you basically, I'm going to say much 209 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 2: more crudely than you did, but you don't have to 210 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:30,760 Speaker 2: have all your shit together before you meet the love 211 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,280 Speaker 2: of your life. Like, I think that's something the therapist 212 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,360 Speaker 2: that we did early therapy that was very much herm 213 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 2: O like for the single people that she worked with. 214 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,920 Speaker 2: You'll never meet anyone until you're healed, until you've worked 215 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,400 Speaker 2: through your childhood, you won't attract the right person. And 216 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 2: it was like, these women are still single, you know, 217 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 2: because they're waiting to like get all their ship sorted. 218 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,960 Speaker 2: And it's like, I love that you said that. It 219 00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,600 Speaker 2: can absolutely and often we shot we saw our shit 220 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:04,720 Speaker 2: out when we meet someone in reflection, because it's all well, 221 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,320 Speaker 2: it's all well and good to be in your head, 222 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,200 Speaker 2: going I do this with this person, I do that. 223 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,520 Speaker 2: But until you're in relationship, nothing's going to bring out 224 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 2: your wounds and your traumas until you're really in the 225 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:15,199 Speaker 2: thick of. 226 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,280 Speaker 1: It right totally. And this is coming from someone I 227 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 1: spent three and a half years single in between my 228 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,320 Speaker 1: my chaotic relationship, had a few more chaotic ones, and 229 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 1: then my current partner, And you know, it was a 230 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: phase where I did do the solo, independent thing for 231 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,800 Speaker 1: a while of just doing my healing work and focusing 232 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:40,599 Speaker 1: on that. But I reached a point where and I 233 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 1: will say it was a very peaceful time in many ways. 234 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,560 Speaker 1: There was no one there to disagree with me, no 235 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: one there to push my buttons. It was so great 236 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,560 Speaker 1: but of course, as you said, this is where so 237 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,080 Speaker 1: much of the learning happens is when you actually bring 238 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,080 Speaker 1: in another person to mirror you, to reflect things back 239 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 1: to you, and you get to a point or you 240 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,120 Speaker 1: can decide at some point in your life that you're 241 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,240 Speaker 1: just ready to kind of do that work with someone. 242 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,560 Speaker 1: I mean that there is always going to be this opportunity, 243 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 1: this invitation and a relationship with someone to reflect on 244 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:16,400 Speaker 1: yourself and how you're communicating, and what you need and 245 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 1: what parts of you are the mature adult part of you, 246 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 1: and what parts of you are the inner child that's 247 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:24,960 Speaker 1: just throwing a tantrum or doesn't like it, or is 248 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:28,360 Speaker 1: being manipulative or whatever it might be. And there's no 249 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,680 Speaker 1: better space to learn that than within a relationship. One 250 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,480 Speaker 1: of the things I talk about in the book quite 251 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 1: a bit is this obsession we have as a culture 252 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 1: at the moment with hyper independence, really glorifying people that 253 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,760 Speaker 1: do it all by themselves and you know, they're a 254 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 1: self made success or the independent woman's story. You know, 255 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: it's kind of like I understand that if you're in 256 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 1: a scenario where maybe you're a single mom and you're 257 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 1: just like you know, going through life in that way 258 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,080 Speaker 1: that can be really empowering. But at the same time, 259 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,960 Speaker 1: tribal beings and we need community and we need others 260 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:07,640 Speaker 1: around us, and so yeah, being in relationship with others 261 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,880 Speaker 1: is essential for our well being and something we kind 262 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:11,720 Speaker 1: of need to come back to. 263 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,760 Speaker 3: It's really good. As you're talking, then, I was thinking 264 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 3: about a line that I've often heard is that it's 265 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 3: easy to be the most enlightened person when you're living 266 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 3: on top of a mountain, and it's only until you 267 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,480 Speaker 3: come down off that mountain and start dealing with the 268 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,400 Speaker 3: people that and dealing with people that you love or 269 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 3: come into contact that you actually realize how enlightened you are. 270 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: That's like the other version of that that I've heard 271 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 1: is like, go spend a week with your family right 272 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,760 Speaker 1: Christmas time. You know, it's always always a test. 273 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:50,080 Speaker 3: Absolutely, So you've got a is this right? A four 274 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,440 Speaker 3: week program for overcoming the mental and emotional stresses in relationship? 275 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:55,640 Speaker 1: That's it. 276 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,760 Speaker 3: So what could I expect if I was to sign 277 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 3: up to that four week program? 278 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,680 Speaker 1: Well, the book guides you through this, and the reason 279 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:08,000 Speaker 1: it's four weeks is that it's essentially we're putting a 280 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 1: timeframe on it. For you to work through and read 281 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: through and apply the different practices in the book. Now, 282 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:18,280 Speaker 1: of course that work that you have to do ongoing 283 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,320 Speaker 1: is going to be much longer than four weeks, But 284 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,560 Speaker 1: there is so much that I can bring to the 285 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: reader's awareness in just a read through of the book 286 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:33,000 Speaker 1: that it creates such a shift that awareness is fifty 287 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,840 Speaker 1: percent of the work. The next part is, of course, 288 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:37,600 Speaker 1: then putting it into practice and you know, learning to 289 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 1: follow through with those realizations. So if you realize, for example, 290 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:46,120 Speaker 1: that you have a habit of abandoning yourself in relationships, 291 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,760 Speaker 1: and what I mean by that is I don't matter, 292 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,800 Speaker 1: I'm not that important, I'm hungry, but I'll feed you first, 293 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 1: you know that kind of mentality. Bringing awareness to that, 294 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,880 Speaker 1: you now have an opportunity to choose differently and remember 295 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,560 Speaker 1: that you need to feed yourself too, or ask for 296 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,040 Speaker 1: what you need and receive as well. You need hugs 297 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,960 Speaker 1: as well as the hugs that you so readily give 298 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:13,439 Speaker 1: to other people. And through working through that, yeah, we 299 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,160 Speaker 1: can make some big shifts if we're really intentional about 300 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,000 Speaker 1: it in a short phase of time. 301 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,160 Speaker 3: And four weeks is a good time to develop positive 302 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,320 Speaker 3: habits too, right. 303 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,800 Speaker 1: That's it. Yes, it doesn't have to be forever. But 304 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,280 Speaker 1: again it's the catalyst for a much bigger shift and 305 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:35,439 Speaker 1: change ongoing in your life. But we really dedicate ourselves 306 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 1: to a time frame. We say, look, I'm just looking 307 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,159 Speaker 1: at me. In these next four weeks, I'm going to 308 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,280 Speaker 1: be the observer of my life. I'm going to watch 309 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 1: what's going on. Again. There's another section I talk about 310 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:51,200 Speaker 1: when we notice we're in these habits of repeating childhood patterns, 311 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,200 Speaker 1: Perhaps we've got the awareness, maybe we've done some therapy 312 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,400 Speaker 1: work or some self development stuff and we can see, Ah, yes, 313 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:02,560 Speaker 1: I always have this habit of exploding emotionally in anger 314 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:06,399 Speaker 1: and irritation because I haven't been putting myself first. Whatever 315 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 1: it might be. Maybe bottle things up and you don't 316 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:12,560 Speaker 1: share it. One of the things I actually recommend is 317 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:17,000 Speaker 1: to let yourself go through that cycle of doing the 318 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,200 Speaker 1: thing that you know that you do do the habit, 319 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:22,000 Speaker 1: watch yourself do it, but don't do it the same 320 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,520 Speaker 1: way you normally would, where you're asleep while you do 321 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,480 Speaker 1: that and you just go through that reactive pattern. Instead, 322 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:31,119 Speaker 1: just watch it. Watch what happens when you do, you know, 323 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,359 Speaker 1: throw in the snide remark that you want to throw 324 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,680 Speaker 1: in or win the argument. Watch what's going on in 325 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:42,919 Speaker 1: those unhealthy patterns with your eyes open and see the 326 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,480 Speaker 1: outcome that results as you do that, And what happens 327 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:50,720 Speaker 1: is you naturally retire of it. Naturally, these new awarenesses 328 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,240 Speaker 1: come to you and you realize that, oh, when I 329 00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:56,960 Speaker 1: do this, I get this result and I feel terrible 330 00:18:57,119 --> 00:18:59,760 Speaker 1: or it doesn't get us anywhere. It's a lose loose, 331 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:05,880 Speaker 1: and we can then again quite easefully shift the way 332 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,879 Speaker 1: we show up, so it's less about like forcing yourself 333 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,200 Speaker 1: to be the perfect person and more just fumbling through. 334 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 1: But with your eyes open and naturally some of these 335 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,199 Speaker 1: things start to shift. I noticed it personally when I 336 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:24,480 Speaker 1: was again attracted to certain emotionally unavailable men and noticing, okay, well, 337 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 1: what happens if I just follow this path this time? 338 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 1: What if I just follow the attraction that I feel? 339 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,439 Speaker 1: And it eventually just hit me and it was so 340 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,080 Speaker 1: clear that this is a dead end, this is not 341 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:40,560 Speaker 1: going to meet my needs. And that was so such 342 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:44,000 Speaker 1: a realization, breakthrough kind of moment to have that and see, like, 343 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,879 Speaker 1: if I keep doing this, this is just yeah, getting 344 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,359 Speaker 1: me nowhere, and I describe it like it's like seeing 345 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:52,640 Speaker 1: your favorite ice cream but knowing it looks so delicious, 346 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 1: but knowing that its spiked with a flavor that you hate, 347 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,080 Speaker 1: and so you kind of know, oh, yep, I've tasted 348 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,399 Speaker 1: that before. I'm not going to taste it again. It 349 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,400 Speaker 1: doesn't taste very good. 350 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,800 Speaker 2: And it's one of those things too, that all of 351 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,119 Speaker 2: your girlfriends are there going, oh my god, she's fallen 352 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,320 Speaker 2: in love with the exact same guy. Like everyone else 353 00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:12,920 Speaker 2: can see it except for you, because you're still trying 354 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 2: to heal that part of yourself, so you still keep 355 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 2: going back to the same kind of like guy until we, 356 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 2: as you say, wake up and have that realization. It's like, oh, 357 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,160 Speaker 2: this is about something else. I keep choosing this to heal. 358 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's it. You know what was even more frustrating 359 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,239 Speaker 1: for me is I had all that awareness, like I 360 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,640 Speaker 1: could see it, and yet I still felt the attraction, 361 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,439 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, yeah, you know, so I 362 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:42,919 Speaker 1: just I kept following those breadcrumbs anyway, but again, showing 363 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,640 Speaker 1: up still kind of like protecting aware of myself in 364 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,160 Speaker 1: that experience, and that's what ultimately helped me break that pattern, 365 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,960 Speaker 1: because I was like Oh yeah, I really get it now. 366 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,760 Speaker 2: I have I know where you know specifically, your your 367 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,880 Speaker 2: speciality is romantic relationships. 368 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 1: That's what the book's about. Though. 369 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:06,880 Speaker 2: For me, I have a lot of friendship anxiety. I'm 370 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,760 Speaker 2: like the youngest of three sisters, so you know, with three, 371 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 2: it's often difficult, like in this sense of like I 372 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 2: feel like someone for me, this is where my brain goes. 373 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,720 Speaker 2: Someone's always going to get left out if it's three 374 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:23,280 Speaker 2: and I'm constantly making like in America, I was one 375 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 2: of three friends. Here here in Australia, I'm one of 376 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:30,159 Speaker 2: three friends, and it's so I am my anxiety around 377 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:33,040 Speaker 2: being left out like I have to. I'm that annoying 378 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,720 Speaker 2: friend that goes are you mad with me? Is everything okay? Like? 379 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,399 Speaker 2: And I'm like, oh my god, it's here again, and 380 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,919 Speaker 2: they're like, Ali, No, it's fine, I love you. 381 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:43,680 Speaker 1: What's going on. 382 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,159 Speaker 2: I'm like, I know, but it's it's I have it 383 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:49,920 Speaker 2: there really strongly. And that's as you say, it's from 384 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,280 Speaker 2: my childhood of being the youngest of three sisters and 385 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,200 Speaker 2: because I was the young and there was a big 386 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,280 Speaker 2: gap as the youngest that the two were you know, 387 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,160 Speaker 2: going out and doing stuff together. So it's just it's 388 00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:02,240 Speaker 2: just carried me. 389 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:06,199 Speaker 1: Through still yeah and yeah, still learning, but you know 390 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,439 Speaker 1: it's amazing you've got the awareness and you can see it. 391 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,840 Speaker 1: And then the next step is that if you can 392 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:14,360 Speaker 1: see in your adult life. Now I've got this experience, 393 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,119 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm that six year old that I 394 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:21,080 Speaker 1: was once being left out or feeling this insecurity. You 395 00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:24,159 Speaker 1: can start to visualize if you're open to it, you 396 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:27,080 Speaker 1: could close your eyes and you can imagine speaking to 397 00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 1: that little six year old and really be the loving 398 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:34,919 Speaker 1: friend or sister or parent that she needed in that moment, 399 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,600 Speaker 1: and you can say to her, you're awesome, you are 400 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: so lovable, you are so worthy of friends and being included, 401 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:45,840 Speaker 1: and you can really teach that younger you the reality 402 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,000 Speaker 1: of why, you know, maybe you were excluded from certain things, 403 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,040 Speaker 1: or there was the competition and things that you probably 404 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:57,280 Speaker 1: weren't explained at the time because so often out our parents, yeah, 405 00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 1: our caregivers, they don't get on the same level as 406 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,600 Speaker 1: us as children. And so yeah, like speaking to yourself 407 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:06,239 Speaker 1: in that way. It sounds so strange, I think and 408 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:10,440 Speaker 1: maybe even weird when we first sort of approach that concept, 409 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:13,000 Speaker 1: but it is such a game changer to kind of 410 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,520 Speaker 1: be this best friend to yourself. This loving parent is 411 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,120 Speaker 1: what I often often refer to it as. And that's 412 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,920 Speaker 1: something that we can keep doing and working with. 413 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,640 Speaker 2: I love that. Thank you. 414 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:27,480 Speaker 3: What if, Georgie, what if one person in the relationship 415 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:35,439 Speaker 3: has anxiety and the other one doesn't and certainly doesn't 416 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,160 Speaker 3: know how to support the anxious one. 417 00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:45,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a tough scenario because, as I mentioned earlier, 418 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,960 Speaker 1: you could be the most stable, secure person. You could 419 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,879 Speaker 1: say to that partner that's anxious, Look you're safe with me. 420 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,119 Speaker 1: I don't know what else to do for you. Like 421 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,160 Speaker 1: I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, and hey, being that 422 00:23:56,200 --> 00:24:01,639 Speaker 1: stable force is really helpful, you know, it help that person. 423 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:06,280 Speaker 1: In fact, there's a video online of a stray kitten 424 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,960 Speaker 1: that is so scared and traumatized and it's in a 425 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,720 Speaker 1: box and there's this mother cat that slowly, slowly approaches 426 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:17,719 Speaker 1: this kitten, and the kitten is freaking out. It's scratching, 427 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,159 Speaker 1: it's hissing at the mother cat that's moving towards it. 428 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,880 Speaker 1: It's not its mother, but it's a mother cat, and 429 00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:28,440 Speaker 1: the cat just keeps slowly, slowly moving towards it, and 430 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,440 Speaker 1: it doesn't react, it doesn't flinch when the kitten lashes out, 431 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 1: and eventually the video moves on and the two are 432 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,360 Speaker 1: curled up sleeping together and the mess I know, it's 433 00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:43,119 Speaker 1: so heartwarming. The message of that video is that this 434 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:48,639 Speaker 1: continued support of I'm not going anywhere, I'm stable, you 435 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,640 Speaker 1: can lash out at me and I'm right here. It 436 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,280 Speaker 1: really can be so healing for another person. So I 437 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,040 Speaker 1: wouldn't underestimate that. But then we don't want to move 438 00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:02,760 Speaker 1: into a space where you are your energy compromising yourself either, 439 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,760 Speaker 1: And so that partner that's got the anxiety also has 440 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,639 Speaker 1: to do that in a work and they have to 441 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:12,040 Speaker 1: start to work with the invitation that anxiety is to 442 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:16,000 Speaker 1: meet parts of yourself that have been wounded in some 443 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,440 Speaker 1: way or in pain, or have been heard or were 444 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,959 Speaker 1: left or went through something. And that's that's really what 445 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,080 Speaker 1: anxiety is. It's we see it as this pesky, annoying 446 00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:27,800 Speaker 1: thing that we just want to numb out or get 447 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,040 Speaker 1: rid of. But if we use it as that messenger 448 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:35,160 Speaker 1: and we gently, curiously kind of follow it and we say, hey, 449 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,359 Speaker 1: what's this anxiety got to show me and teach me, 450 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,080 Speaker 1: it will take you on the most amazing path. It 451 00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 1: will take you back to a more whole version of 452 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,000 Speaker 1: yourself and you'll end up feeling grateful for it in 453 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,239 Speaker 1: the first place. As much as I know, it can 454 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:51,200 Speaker 1: feel like climbing an impossible mountain when you're when you're 455 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,680 Speaker 1: experiencing the grips of it, but that's where we can go. 456 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,639 Speaker 1: So it has to be if you're supporting someone that 457 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: is experiencing a lot of ansaieciety, it has to be a 458 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,239 Speaker 1: team effort. You can certainly do a lot by just 459 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:08,320 Speaker 1: being that stable force, but also you can't do it 460 00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:10,639 Speaker 1: all and don't take on everything. You've also got to 461 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,639 Speaker 1: encourage your partner to do their inner work as well 462 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:14,760 Speaker 1: as best as you can. 463 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,800 Speaker 2: You know, Mel Robins, Yeah, I caught something that she 464 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,600 Speaker 2: was saying the other day, and she was saying, don't 465 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:38,200 Speaker 2: say I have anxiety. Don't say because it's do you 466 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,080 Speaker 2: know what I'm talking about? What I'm about to say? Yeah, 467 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:41,960 Speaker 2: She's like, you need to define it. You need to 468 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:46,480 Speaker 2: be able to say I'm anxious about getting on a 469 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:50,320 Speaker 2: plane and be specific about what it is you're anxious 470 00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:54,640 Speaker 2: about because words matter. What's your take on that. 471 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: Love it all for it one of the first things 472 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,199 Speaker 1: I teach someone who who comes into my world is 473 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:03,960 Speaker 1: to really look at this label of anxiety and the 474 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,600 Speaker 1: identity we tend to take on with it. We often 475 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,119 Speaker 1: think it's a part of our personality, and yeah, some 476 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:13,040 Speaker 1: of us obviously have a sensitivity towards that, maybe a 477 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:17,040 Speaker 1: tendency towards anxiety more than others. But it doesn't mean 478 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,960 Speaker 1: it's who you are. You are so much more than 479 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:23,840 Speaker 1: the anxiety. So it's important that we don't say I 480 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:27,479 Speaker 1: have anxiety or I am an anxious person. I make 481 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,439 Speaker 1: a lot of social media posts about that, and it's funny. 482 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,000 Speaker 1: There are so many people who like fiercely want to 483 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,080 Speaker 1: defend their label, and I think it's important to have 484 00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:39,240 Speaker 1: a context right to work within. So if you can 485 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,439 Speaker 1: kind of say, okay, yeah, oh yeah, I'm fitting into 486 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:47,040 Speaker 1: the anxiety category with this, but again from there, now, 487 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:49,280 Speaker 1: let's use it and work with it, because it's not 488 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:52,760 Speaker 1: who you are. It's just something that you're experiencing, right, 489 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,120 Speaker 1: And that distinction is huge. When we think it's who 490 00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:58,000 Speaker 1: we are and it's like, you know, it kind of 491 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 1: becomes like I am a problem, and that doesn't cultivate 492 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,959 Speaker 1: safety within ourselves. That place we go to when we 493 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,920 Speaker 1: close our eyes and we're alone with ourself, our thoughts, 494 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,200 Speaker 1: our emotions feels very unsafe when we think that there's 495 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:16,159 Speaker 1: some inherent flaw or problem with it. And if we 496 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,320 Speaker 1: can there is so much we can do to start 497 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,600 Speaker 1: to cultivate a safety without inner world. And it really 498 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:24,400 Speaker 1: starts with seeing you're not this big problem, you're not broken, 499 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:28,680 Speaker 1: and you're certainly not forever tattooed with the label of anxiety. 500 00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:35,159 Speaker 3: That's great. It's Celtic saying that. I don't know what 501 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,680 Speaker 3: the Celtic saying is, but it basically means it was 502 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:41,120 Speaker 3: with sickness, and it was someone saying I'm sick, you know, 503 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,240 Speaker 3: and it's like, and the Celtic saying is I am 504 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:48,120 Speaker 3: with sickness or this is with me at the moment, 505 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:52,520 Speaker 3: I'm with this cold. And then it creates separation of it, 506 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:56,640 Speaker 3: so it's not actually, you're not actually sick. It's like, 507 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:58,760 Speaker 3: I'm just with it and it will pass. 508 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,840 Speaker 1: That so much I'm going to start using that. For sure. 509 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,680 Speaker 3: It stayed with me, Georgie. It certainly stayed with me 510 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,120 Speaker 3: because it's a long time ago. But it was whatever 511 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:15,480 Speaker 3: the you know, it was some like, oh, we're never 512 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:16,160 Speaker 3: going to learn. 513 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,640 Speaker 1: That it is. 514 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,719 Speaker 2: I mean, it's probably going to be an incredibly obvious question. 515 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:28,440 Speaker 2: Does anxiety show up more in the more sort of 516 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,680 Speaker 2: volatile relationships or does it show up in the healthy, 517 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:32,680 Speaker 2: loving ones as well? 518 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:36,400 Speaker 1: It can be just as present in both. But of course, 519 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,400 Speaker 1: if you are in a more volatile relationship, and we 520 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 1: can define this in a few ways, like you are 521 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:47,080 Speaker 1: not with someone who is interested in meeting your needs, 522 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:53,480 Speaker 1: You're with someone who is perhaps abusive, and hey, we've 523 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:55,880 Speaker 1: got to look at it. It's more than physical. You know, 524 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,880 Speaker 1: abuse can be emotional. It can be someone who's constantly 525 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:03,800 Speaker 1: putting you down, making jokes at your expense, using derogatory language, 526 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:08,080 Speaker 1: and degrading your self esteem, which can happen, you know, 527 00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,880 Speaker 1: quite casually. You know, Oh you're silly, idiot, right, We 528 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:13,280 Speaker 1: can hear that, and we can have people talk to 529 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:15,760 Speaker 1: them like we talk to our siblings that way, you know, 530 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:19,240 Speaker 1: growing up half the time. So these are some things 531 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 1: that don't make us feel safe inside ourselves. And if 532 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:25,120 Speaker 1: we are in a scenario like that, some people come 533 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:27,680 Speaker 1: to work with me and they want me to build 534 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,840 Speaker 1: their confidence, They want me to build their self esteem 535 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,640 Speaker 1: and help them to feel calm so that they're not 536 00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:37,240 Speaker 1: such a problem for their partner anymore. But it's I know, 537 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:41,680 Speaker 1: but it's kind of like, if you're experiencing these constant 538 00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 1: threats and attacks and you don't feel safe, it's like 539 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:49,160 Speaker 1: trying to be fireproof in a dragon's den. And my 540 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:53,640 Speaker 1: approach is, you know, let's get you instead to build 541 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:56,800 Speaker 1: that self esteem and that awareness enough that you actually 542 00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:00,640 Speaker 1: are okay with getting out of the dragon's den. But hey, 543 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 1: that's a that's a process, and and you know, people 544 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,880 Speaker 1: are going to meet that in their own time. But 545 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:08,360 Speaker 1: that's another big message in the book that I'm really 546 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 1: proud to have out there because it's such a big 547 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,000 Speaker 1: one that is so tough for people who are in 548 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:15,800 Speaker 1: those situations to break out of. 549 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:19,400 Speaker 2: And see, yeah, because you can't. Yeah, you're sorry. I'm 550 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 2: just saying, you're delineating the difference between what is genuine 551 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,600 Speaker 2: anxiety and what is major red flags that it's like, 552 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,680 Speaker 2: hang on a minute, you're actually maybe maybe it's more 553 00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:34,240 Speaker 2: your intuition that you're picking up on rather than the 554 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,800 Speaker 2: fact that it's your anxiety. 555 00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:39,920 Speaker 1: You're just yeah, totally, and we'll get people. We'll get 556 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:43,400 Speaker 1: people telling, you know, like I've had clients where that 557 00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:47,040 Speaker 1: they they again would coming to me trying to fix 558 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:50,400 Speaker 1: their anxiety, but their partner's cheating on them and lying 559 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:52,880 Speaker 1: to them about it, and every time they bring it up, 560 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,440 Speaker 1: they're getting this message of you must be crazy or 561 00:31:56,840 --> 00:32:03,880 Speaker 1: everything's fine. And again it's like our environment matters. Our 562 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:08,239 Speaker 1: relationships really do matter with anxiety. It doesn't matter how 563 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,800 Speaker 1: much we're doing our breath work and our therapy and 564 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,840 Speaker 1: our you know, whatever we're doing to regulate our nervous 565 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:19,040 Speaker 1: system those breathing hacks that we're seeing online. We do 566 00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:21,440 Speaker 1: have to look at the relationships in our lives. And 567 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:25,440 Speaker 1: I've seen even like close friends be detrimental to someone's 568 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,200 Speaker 1: nervous system too, even if you're not actually living with 569 00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,600 Speaker 1: them day to day. Looking at our friendships is also 570 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:32,640 Speaker 1: really important. 571 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:38,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, Georgie, what would your three top tips for anyone 572 00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:41,040 Speaker 3: who is with anxiety? 573 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:48,840 Speaker 1: Love it? Well? If you're with anxiety more in a 574 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:53,960 Speaker 1: general context, again, I would invite you to consider shifting 575 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:57,560 Speaker 1: the relationship that you have with anxiety rather than trying 576 00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,760 Speaker 1: to get rid of it and trying to make this 577 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:02,400 Speaker 1: part of you go away. And the reason for that 578 00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:09,400 Speaker 1: is because that doesn't work. When we reject, suppress, deny 579 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:14,160 Speaker 1: a part of ourselves, it only screams louder for our attention. 580 00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:17,520 Speaker 1: It's kind of like leaving your dog outside where they're 581 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,280 Speaker 1: barking and scratching at the door wanting to come inside. 582 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,160 Speaker 1: The more you ignore them. You know, there's certain dogs 583 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:25,960 Speaker 1: that will just keep barking louder and louder until you 584 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,520 Speaker 1: just let them in. And this is how anxiety can be. 585 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:30,080 Speaker 1: When we let it in and we say, Okay, what 586 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,520 Speaker 1: are you here to teach me? That can shift so 587 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 1: much so showing up to it with a different attitude, 588 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:41,160 Speaker 1: a different mindset. A curiosity is step one. The next 589 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:45,120 Speaker 1: is also then doing this work to sort of see 590 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:50,360 Speaker 1: a Kate. Is this a part of me from long ago? 591 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,760 Speaker 1: Is this an emotional flashpack that I'm going through? Have 592 00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:56,320 Speaker 1: I felt this way before? Is this a pattern for me? 593 00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:00,200 Speaker 1: And that can maybe take you back to one of 594 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,920 Speaker 1: those memories like, oh, yeah, I used to feel like this. 595 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,360 Speaker 1: You know, I'm anxious for my friends right now, and hey, 596 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,440 Speaker 1: I used to feel like that with my sisters growing up. 597 00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:11,120 Speaker 1: And that's going to give you some big clues as 598 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:13,160 Speaker 1: to the part of you that you need to speak 599 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:18,320 Speaker 1: to to help yourself resolve this pattern, because over time 600 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:21,600 Speaker 1: you really can start to cultivate that safety, and those 601 00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:25,080 Speaker 1: those triggers can come will fire off less and less 602 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:28,240 Speaker 1: and will get less anxiety coming up. And the third 603 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:31,800 Speaker 1: one is just the importance of helping the emotional energy 604 00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:35,440 Speaker 1: to release in some way. There are many different ways 605 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:37,880 Speaker 1: that we can do this, and I was just mentioning 606 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:41,759 Speaker 1: breath works, So breathing practices can be really helpful. Even 607 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:44,279 Speaker 1: just a sigh can be helpful. You can do a 608 00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:47,400 Speaker 1: twenty minute, thirty minute breath work class like one of 609 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:50,840 Speaker 1: those longer ones. There's so many options there. But crying 610 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:56,240 Speaker 1: feeling our feelings. You have a big cry, Oh, that's 611 00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,600 Speaker 1: such an outlet for our nervous system to come back 612 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,640 Speaker 1: into balance. We demonize that in our lives, you know, 613 00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:03,960 Speaker 1: we really make that a weakness or we make it wrong. 614 00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:06,920 Speaker 1: Or it's really hard when you see someone you love 615 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:09,680 Speaker 1: or care about crying in front of you and not 616 00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:12,600 Speaker 1: saying to them, don't cry, or how can I make 617 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,799 Speaker 1: you stop crying? You know, like trying really hard to 618 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:17,400 Speaker 1: rush them out of it. Perhaps we do this with 619 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,960 Speaker 1: our children as well, because again it's it's so painful 620 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,359 Speaker 1: to see them in that. But if we can just 621 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,160 Speaker 1: allow someone to be in their feelings as much as 622 00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,160 Speaker 1: they need to, as long as they need to, and 623 00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:30,520 Speaker 1: witness it, gosh, that's so healing. But we have to 624 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:34,840 Speaker 1: start doing that with ourselves as well. If that's not familiar, Yeah. 625 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:38,600 Speaker 3: Beautiful tips, I was doing that yesterday. I mixed two 626 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,600 Speaker 3: of those. I mixed two of those. 627 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:42,640 Speaker 2: Together, crying inside. 628 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:44,600 Speaker 3: Well, yeah, I was playing golf. So I was out 629 00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:47,120 Speaker 3: there for my emotional release playing golf, and then I 630 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:49,200 Speaker 3: missed a few shots and I started crying on the A. 631 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:50,880 Speaker 2: Teen your mates helpful of it? 632 00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:54,239 Speaker 3: They should let it out, buddy, Oh did they let 633 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:54,600 Speaker 3: it out? 634 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:55,279 Speaker 1: Did they? 635 00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:56,520 Speaker 2: No? 636 00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,799 Speaker 3: Kidding me? Get out of yourself, Dad, I move on. 637 00:36:02,239 --> 00:36:05,120 Speaker 3: It's your shout. You lost. You have to buy the beer. 638 00:36:06,239 --> 00:36:08,680 Speaker 2: Many many a tears bit and shed on the golf cause, 639 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:10,920 Speaker 2: let me tell you, And when I get home. 640 00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:14,000 Speaker 1: This is a tricky thing because I work mostly with women, 641 00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:17,279 Speaker 1: so well, I work exclusively with women, so for men, 642 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:20,359 Speaker 1: the emotional release, it's a different kettle of fish. But 643 00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:24,440 Speaker 1: you know, sport and physical activity, it can certainly be 644 00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,520 Speaker 1: a really really good one and shedding some tears when 645 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:30,160 Speaker 1: when appropriate, we're safe to do so. 646 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:33,480 Speaker 3: Yeah, I know. I absolutely always feel better after a cry, 647 00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:38,160 Speaker 3: always so true, and a cuddle. Cry and a cuddle. 648 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:38,920 Speaker 2: Yeah. 649 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:42,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, we're all just big kids, you know, like how 650 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,920 Speaker 1: it solves ninety percent of things when you just give 651 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,480 Speaker 1: a little kid that's having a meltdown like a cuddle 652 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,520 Speaker 1: and you know, just let them know they're safe. Absolutely 653 00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:51,520 Speaker 1: same we are. 654 00:36:51,719 --> 00:36:54,000 Speaker 2: We never change. Georgie. 655 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:55,200 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. 656 00:36:55,280 --> 00:37:01,080 Speaker 2: Your your last your latest book is Master Your Relationship Anxiety. 657 00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:04,480 Speaker 2: It's got a sort of a plan in it for you. 658 00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:06,839 Speaker 2: You'll you know you can actually you can still work 659 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:09,600 Speaker 2: with Georgie. I'm sure people can find you online and 660 00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,880 Speaker 2: work with you one on one. Her former book was 661 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:17,080 Speaker 2: The Anxiety Reset Method, that reached international success when it 662 00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:19,600 Speaker 2: was picked by Oprah's book Club Hollow. 663 00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:21,080 Speaker 3: That must have been exciting. 664 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,640 Speaker 2: That is so exciting. 665 00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:26,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, it was a pretty wild time, I must say. 666 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:30,360 Speaker 2: For you, congratulations. But thanks so much for talking about 667 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,560 Speaker 2: this topic. I think it's such an interesting one. 668 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:34,880 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure.