Speaker 1: I'll get atif cook. Welcome to my show, which we
Speaker 1: call the You Project. How are you?
Speaker 2: I've a what a pleasure to just be here on
Speaker 2: the You Project.
Speaker 1: Ah, look at us both being here in the middle
Speaker 1: of the fucking engine room of the project that is you,
Speaker 1: eighteen one hundred and something episodes down the track, just
Speaker 1: sharing the love and the information, inspiration, education and frivolity
Speaker 1: with the masses. I just got off a big phone
Speaker 1: call before with Nova, the people that partner with us
Speaker 1: on this fine little bloody endeavor, at a five to
Speaker 1: ten minute in the calendar, five to ten minute meeting
Speaker 1: with Kerry from Nova. Kerry, if you're listening, Kerry could
Speaker 1: talk underwater with a mouthful of marbles. She fucking goes.
Speaker 1: She's a verbal fucking older sack. Once you go in,
Speaker 1: once you drive into that verbal culder sack, you just
Speaker 1: go around that. You cannot get out conversational stands. But
Speaker 1: God bless she's good. She looks after us, and she's
Speaker 1: great at her job. But there are no five minute
Speaker 1: meetings with Kerry, none, not one.
Speaker 2: Or there's no five minute meetings with you either, Harp.
Speaker 2: So I'm just saying, chatty, chatty, you know.
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes I'm not chatty. Sometimes I'm like do this,
Speaker 1: do that? Shut up, get over there, But I am
Speaker 1: somewhat well. That was a repeating theme in my school
Speaker 1: reports starting in grade three with Craig has a tendency
Speaker 1: to be somewhat loquacious in class and distracting for other children.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, Mum, what's loquacious? She's like, I don't know.
Speaker 1: So there was no Google or fucking chat GPT back then,
Speaker 1: just the Webster's Dictionary that we didn't have access. I
Speaker 1: think you talk too much, is what she's saying. And
Speaker 1: turns out Mary's guest was on the money excessively and
Speaker 1: unnecessarily verbose was another one.
Speaker 2: Thank god you didn't listen though, thank god.
Speaker 1: And another teacher who remain sorry, a teacher who remained
Speaker 1: nameless because people thought I was throwing her under the bus,
Speaker 1: but I actually loved this teacher said to me, with
Speaker 1: the most thoughtful of intentions, you need to stop talking
Speaker 1: in class because no one is ever going to pay
Speaker 1: to hear you talk, so you need to start learning.
Speaker 1: And I went, that's a good point, and in most
Speaker 1: instances that is very sound advice, as it turns out
Speaker 1: she was wrong, but I love her. She was a
Speaker 1: very good teacher and just again. But you know, here
Speaker 1: I am now, and I have not learned my lesson,
Speaker 1: still not shushing. I've turned it into a fucking business,
Speaker 1: a career, I think.
Speaker 2: Great. The amount of things you can turn into just
Speaker 2: about anything you can turn into a business these days.
Speaker 1: That is true. That is true. If you can I mean,
Speaker 1: I think, and I'm not saying I'm a brilliant communicator
Speaker 1: at all, but if you can communicate, whether or not
Speaker 1: that's on a podcast or as a school teacher, as
Speaker 1: a negotiator, or as a salesperson or as you know,
Speaker 1: a parent, whatever, whatever the role, if you can communicate,
Speaker 1: build connection, rapport, understanding with other people, Like, that's a
Speaker 1: running start to a lot of careers and situations and
Speaker 1: problems that you're going to need to solve. You know,
Speaker 1: if you can communicate, understand others talk a little bit
Speaker 1: less than me. Ideally, listen, listen a little more ideally.
Speaker 1: I'm getting there, though.
Speaker 2: You've come a long way. I dare say, be proud.
Speaker 2: The unnamed teacher should be proud.
Speaker 1: Now that's the unnamed teacher. The funny thing is like today,
Speaker 1: it's one point thirty six is we're recording. I've spent
Speaker 1: the whole from six am this morning till now, I've
Speaker 1: spent it by myself. Other than that a cough at
Speaker 1: the cafe where I'm still sitting by myself, and hello
Speaker 1: to a few people. But yeah, and so then then
Speaker 1: I get with another human, I get a bit excited.
Speaker 1: My first, my first face to face significant chat. I'm
Speaker 1: looking at a face on a screen. I wanted to
Speaker 1: chat to you about something that I find very interesting.
Speaker 1: I said to you, I opened this door last night
Speaker 1: with my group. So we're recording this Tuesday. Last night
Speaker 1: was week six of my mentoring group that I'm currently running.
Speaker 1: If you're thinking, fuck, I wouldn't mind doing a mentoring
Speaker 1: group with Harps. It's ten weeks of you and me
Speaker 1: just opening all kinds of doors and pushing all kinds
Speaker 1: of buttons. Then we're going to announce a new group
Speaker 1: very soon. You can jump in on that. Yes, that
Speaker 1: was a blatant fucking sales pitch. There you go, You're welcome.
Speaker 1: But anyway, last night we did week six of ten.
Speaker 1: And every week is obviously a different area or a
Speaker 1: different topic. And last night was happiness, fulfillment and in
Speaker 1: a piece. And as I said to you, and clearly
Speaker 1: I'm not the guru on this, I mean, but it's
Speaker 1: really it's a conversation and interaction, questions and answers, like
Speaker 1: doing deep rabbit hole dives on different things. And of course,
Speaker 1: you know, what is happiness and or fulfillment and or
Speaker 1: in a piece for one person would be different from
Speaker 1: someone else. So in other words, you know, you and
Speaker 1: I get on a motorbike, happiness, fun, joy, someone else
Speaker 1: gets on a motorbike, terror, you know, horror, fucking you know, anxiety,
Speaker 1: all of those things, right, So it's not so it's
Speaker 1: largely about what is the stimulus, what is the thing happening,
Speaker 1: and what is the response. But a big part of
Speaker 1: what we ended up talking about is what I call
Speaker 1: the two world theory. There's actually a theory in science
Speaker 1: called the many world's theory, but I just call this
Speaker 1: very colloquially, and somebody else might use it in another capacity,
Speaker 1: but I call it the two worlds theory, which is
Speaker 1: essentially the fact that we're talking about the fact that
Speaker 1: all of us inhabit on a level, we live in
Speaker 1: a lot of worlds, and I could get really deep.
Speaker 1: But on the most fundamental level, we kind of inhabit
Speaker 1: a physical, three dimensional world, you know, a world where
Speaker 1: I can see TIF go into the gym, or I
Speaker 1: can see a ride a motorbike, or people can interact
Speaker 1: with her on the street, and she does life out
Speaker 1: in the world where she pays bills and does her
Speaker 1: job and intersects with other humans and goes overseas to
Speaker 1: India and travels and gets on planes and drives cars
Speaker 1: and pays bills and has a career, all of these
Speaker 1: practical things that happen in the real world, or the
Speaker 1: physical world, I should say, And that's where kind of
Speaker 1: life happens, and that's where we kind of do a
Speaker 1: lot of life. But the place where living happens is
Speaker 1: really more of that internal space of thoughts and feelings
Speaker 1: and ideas and passions and desires and goals and intentions
Speaker 1: and self love and self loathing and self worth and
Speaker 1: self esteem and aspirations and values and beliefs and ideas
Speaker 1: and creativity and terror and joy and pain and discomfort,
Speaker 1: and you know, all of those things that happen or
Speaker 1: are variables in our internal world. And so I wanted
Speaker 1: to open this door with you today a little bit, because,
Speaker 1: as we've said before, we are in terms of like
Speaker 1: internal world. Where I do my living is in my
Speaker 1: thoughts and feelings and ideas, et cetera. But where I
Speaker 1: do life is in this big physical place out here
Speaker 1: with all the other humans. And it's not better or worse,
Speaker 1: or right or wrong. It's just part of the human experience.
Speaker 1: And this idea that you know, success in our culture is,
Speaker 1: as you've heard me say too many times, but we
Speaker 1: generally define success in our culture as about all things external.
Speaker 1: What you've got, what you own, what you look like,
Speaker 1: what you drive, where you live, what people think you,
Speaker 1: how many followers you have, how much do you make
Speaker 1: your brand, your academic prowess, your motorbike, your car, your dogs,
Speaker 1: or whatever. It is like all of these things that
Speaker 1: people can see and assess and evaluate and assign a
Speaker 1: certain value, be that financial or social status value or whatever.
Speaker 1: And I guess the interesting thing is that so many
Speaker 1: people seem to be ticking a lot of boxes. They've
Speaker 1: got a good job, they're pretty fit, they've got a
Speaker 1: nice car, they've got a nice place to live, they've
Speaker 1: got from the outside looking in it's pretty good, but
Speaker 1: the inside out experience is not always that, and we
Speaker 1: seem to have a lot of effort and focus. I'm generalizing,
Speaker 1: and so listener, this might not be you specifically, but
Speaker 1: in general terms, we seem to have a lot of
Speaker 1: energy and focus and attention on all that external stuff
Speaker 1: while not really having a plan per se for the
Speaker 1: internal stuff. And I guess my first I'll shut up
Speaker 1: after this tiff, but I guess my first real revelation
Speaker 1: in this space was even though I kind of instinctively
Speaker 1: knew it as when my career kind of took off
Speaker 1: and things did really well and I owned a bunch
Speaker 1: of gyms and I was making lots to do and
Speaker 1: in the middle of all of that, I mean, I
Speaker 1: wasn't miserable, but I certainly wasn't. I actually was not
Speaker 1: as happy as when I was younger. And that's not
Speaker 1: to say one caused the other, but this started me
Speaker 1: on this kind of inquiry, this path of inquiry about, oh,
Speaker 1: what is if I've got all this stuff and I
Speaker 1: don't feel successful, like I look successful and I seem
Speaker 1: successful to others, but if that perceived success doesn't equate
Speaker 1: to happiness or joy or fulfillment or contentment. Then maybe
Speaker 1: I'm not successful at all. Steps down off soapbox.
Speaker 2: I went for run this morning and I was thinking,
Speaker 2: and I went for a walk with someone last night,
Speaker 2: and I feel like this topic is really closely tied
Speaker 2: to some of the thoughts I was having, And this
Speaker 2: morning it was that idea that I've started doing a
Speaker 2: little bit of running instead of the way that I
Speaker 2: used to train. I've changed a lot of things. I've
Speaker 2: got new hobbies now they're very different. I've signed up
Speaker 2: for a new course, so I've restructured how I how
Speaker 2: I manage my time and my days. And whilst I
Speaker 2: was running, I was thinking about how hard and uncomfortable
Speaker 2: but necessary change is, Like how hard it is even
Speaker 2: when you choose it and you start it and you
Speaker 2: know it's the right direction. The idea of habit and
Speaker 2: familiarity gets inside your head, you know. And I could
Speaker 2: still feel that happening in the middle of all the
Speaker 2: stuff I'm doing, but also thinking about all of these
Speaker 2: changes and being really aware of how this will change me,
Speaker 2: how new hobbies will make my mind focus and think
Speaker 2: about new things, and that will change the life that
Speaker 2: happens inside my head and also outside and what will
Speaker 2: be important and it's interesting.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I think see what I think about with that,
Speaker 1: and this is not this is just me thinking out loud. Okay,
Speaker 1: so you're learning piano. These are all things that are
Speaker 1: happening in your external world, right yeah, yeah, not good
Speaker 1: or not bad by the way. I think those things
Speaker 1: are great, by the way, But I still think we
Speaker 1: still then talk about stimulus and response, and in a
Speaker 1: way we have this idea if I do this or
Speaker 1: if I get that, talk about external world, if I
Speaker 1: do this, achieve that change that own that, then I
Speaker 1: will feel this or this will make my internal This
Speaker 1: will make me less stressed, This will make me more calm,
Speaker 1: this will make me. I wonder if we can address
Speaker 1: the internal stuff without making that internal change a byproduct
Speaker 1: of something that we are doing in our physical world,
Speaker 1: Like ah, if I meditate, I do this thing, then
Speaker 1: that will take away this. And I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: they shouldn't be coral, but it's always like I'm gonna
Speaker 1: you know, when I get you know me, part of
Speaker 1: my story is when I get my PhD, I'm going
Speaker 1: to be happier, like I know I'm not and that's
Speaker 1: not to say that a PhD is good or bad,
Speaker 1: but there's something just in the back of your head
Speaker 1: where you go. Like somebody said to me today, when
Speaker 1: do you finish? I go on, I'm kind of middle
Speaker 1: of you. How happy will you be? I go, I'm
Speaker 1: so fucking happy. It's all about lunchtime right right, because
Speaker 1: this is we go. When I do this, that life
Speaker 1: will be good. Yeah, maybe maybe.
Speaker 2: But also you can't. You can't escape how everything influences you.
Speaker 2: So I think about what are the people or the
Speaker 2: conversations or where does what will my mind grab hold of?
Speaker 2: Like you can't do nothing. You have to do things
Speaker 2: to change you have to do things to change your
Speaker 2: internal but it's it's not about the doing of the
Speaker 2: thing that Maybe it's about the process of the environment
Speaker 2: it puts you in, or the choices you make, or
Speaker 2: how you adapt and evolve because of the thing. Does
Speaker 2: that make sense even?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Kind of kind of. I think also by the
Speaker 1: way I think I do without trying to contradict myself,
Speaker 1: I think in general terms. Quite often it's the like,
Speaker 1: for example, you want to learn to think differently, hang
Speaker 1: out with different people, have different conversations, expose yourself to
Speaker 1: new ideas, new new environments, new culture, and new whatever.
Speaker 1: You know, you're gonna just by osmosis, you're going to
Speaker 1: start to think differently because you're onboarding new ideas and information.
Speaker 1: You want to become a better tennis player. Don't play
Speaker 1: with people that are worse, play with people that are better.
Speaker 1: Get dragged up. You know, same with a lot of principles.
Speaker 1: But I still think that like being able to be
Speaker 1: still and take us do a stuff like, ah, what's
Speaker 1: this feeling? What's that about? Where's that coming? What is this? Okay?
Speaker 1: What am I feeling right now? Like that awareness exercise?
Speaker 1: Where what is it that I'm feeling? I'm feeling insecure? Okay,
Speaker 1: where does that come from? What is that about? What
Speaker 1: triggered that? What's a better way for me? How could
Speaker 1: I reframe this? You know, all that kind of that
Speaker 1: looking inward rather than looking outward to create some internal fix?
Speaker 1: And like, how many people do you know? And I
Speaker 1: know that like I've literally worked with thousands, You've worked
Speaker 1: with I'm sure hundreds, literally work with thousands of people
Speaker 1: who their overwhelming goal was to change their body significantly,
Speaker 1: and then they did, and again they were happier till lunchtime,
Speaker 1: and then the next day it's almost like their reset
Speaker 1: back to their previous emotional and psychological state, and they
Speaker 1: would come in and go, I just want to lose
Speaker 1: three more caves, or I just want to lift this
Speaker 1: much more, or I just want to run this much quicker,
Speaker 1: or I want my body composition to be this not that,
Speaker 1: And I go, that's what we've been working forwards towards
Speaker 1: for a year. And you're there, You're at the top
Speaker 1: of the mountain. Yeah. Yeah, it's like this destination disappointment thing.
Speaker 1: You get there, you got into the destination, you reach
Speaker 1: the goal, you hit the number, you reach, the wage,
Speaker 1: you reach, the look, the feel, the shape, the PhD,
Speaker 1: the whatever it is. And then you're like, ah, because
Speaker 1: we have this story, whether it's conscious or subconscious, that
Speaker 1: arriving at this literal or metaphoric, or financial or physiological
Speaker 1: or professional point is going to create some internal experience
Speaker 1: somewhere in the wheelhouse of joy and contentment and permanent happiness.
Speaker 2: Do you often sit down and workshop your own life?
Speaker 1: I think probably too much. Like you know, you've met Vin, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love Vin. Shout out to Vin, best mate for
Speaker 1: hundred years. Bin's like, you fucking think too much? Kay,
Speaker 1: you know, because but I do. I try not to.
Speaker 1: I don't really have any anxiety around it. I have
Speaker 1: more curiosity, and I think because for me, I really
Speaker 1: want to be I want to be authentic about like
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about stuff that I don't do,
Speaker 1: you know. I don't want to talk about creating an
Speaker 1: optimal operating system while not actually trying to do that myself.
Speaker 1: So yeah, there's no bigger critic of me than me.
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean I hate myself, but I don't often do
Speaker 1: work and I go, yeah, that's fuck, I killed it.
Speaker 1: That's amazing. Like I'm a very hard marker of my
Speaker 1: own work. Doesn't mean there's self loathing in there. But
Speaker 1: you know, if I do a corporate gig and I
Speaker 1: speak to a bunch of people and I talk for
Speaker 1: an hour and a half or whatever, I do you
Speaker 1: know a day, an hour, half an hour, and Melissa
Speaker 1: will always ask me on the way back from that gig,
Speaker 1: how did you go? And I'll give her a number.
Speaker 1: The numbers always between one and ten, and it's not
Speaker 1: often I give myself an eight or a nine. It's
Speaker 1: generally somewhere in a six, seven, seven and a half,
Speaker 1: But if you ask the people in the audience, I
Speaker 1: would think quite often it would be closer to a nine. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I just yeah, I think even when I do
Speaker 1: something great, it doesn't me seem great. I feel like
Speaker 1: there's room for improvement.
Speaker 2: Do you also workshop your non working part of your life?
Speaker 2: Like do you sit down and look at what's my
Speaker 2: what's my what are my relationships look like? What does
Speaker 2: my free time look like? What do my hobbies look like?
Speaker 2: And if do I want them to be different? And
Speaker 2: if I do, what does that? What does that mean?
Speaker 2: What does that look like?
Speaker 1: Uh No, I don't but I tell you what I
Speaker 1: do do like, I don't do it that way, but
Speaker 1: I do a version of that. I don't really see
Speaker 1: like as I have a conversation with you, now this
Speaker 1: is a genuine, in the moment for me thinking about stuff, honestly, conversation.
Speaker 1: This is not me role playing to record something for
Speaker 1: an episode that we can put up. So I'm simultaneously
Speaker 1: connecting with you. We're having a good chat. I'm enjoying it.
Speaker 1: But also we're doing work, we're produce sing something. So
Speaker 1: I don't really have that delineation or that separation so
Speaker 1: much between where I go now I'm working and now
Speaker 1: I'm not working, and even when I do. You know,
Speaker 1: the funny thing is, even when I work, where you go,
Speaker 1: oh he's working, is getting dressed up and he's going
Speaker 1: into the city and he's talking to a bunch of
Speaker 1: people in a bloody auditorium. Even that for me is fun.
Speaker 1: Like if you said to me, you can sit at
Speaker 1: home by yourself and watch Netflix, or you can go
Speaker 1: and talk to a thousand people. We won't pay you.
Speaker 1: I'd probably rather go talk to a thousand people because
Speaker 1: I love that. Like that is fun for me. So
Speaker 1: there's no I think it depends on your relationship with work.
Speaker 1: Like if work for you is something you survive, something
Speaker 1: that you just put up with, something that is a
Speaker 1: necessary evil, then yeah, I think that would be a
Speaker 1: hard way to live. But you know, because that isn't
Speaker 1: the case with me. I don't feel like I've got
Speaker 1: to get away from anything.
Speaker 2: You know, I didn't think that either, But I think
Speaker 2: I'm starting to evaluate the idea of just how much
Speaker 2: my mind always has to work, always has to think,
Speaker 2: always has to plan. And I know, even with the
Speaker 2: hobby of a piano. I'm still doing that, but I'm
Speaker 2: doing it in a way that it doesn't relate to
Speaker 2: any form of success or well apart from my own
Speaker 2: accolades of bragging all over socials. But you know, it's
Speaker 2: not related to a profession, you know, an endpoint that
Speaker 2: has anything to do with business. And I think I
Speaker 2: noticed when I try and take time to just sit,
Speaker 2: my mind just wants to think and it wants to plan,
Speaker 2: and it doesn't switch off very well.
Speaker 1: So yeah, and that's.
Speaker 2: Always been natural for me. Yeah, it's just I guess
Speaker 2: it's just under the microscope at the moment, is it.
Speaker 2: You don't want to continue to be that way all
Speaker 2: the time.
Speaker 1: It's it's you know, it's hard to change, isn't it,
Speaker 1: when especially when like part of just how you operate
Speaker 1: is just your personality. Then another part of it is
Speaker 1: how your brain works based on your genetics, you know,
Speaker 1: And then another part of it is how more broadly
Speaker 1: out from your brain, your body works, like just biologically, physiologically.
Speaker 1: And so it's one thing to say I'm going to
Speaker 1: be different this year. No you're not. You're the fucker.
Speaker 1: You're the same. You're the same. You might do different
Speaker 1: things and behave differently, and that doesn't mean you can't change, grow,
Speaker 1: or evolve. I'm talking about all of the c and
Speaker 1: me included, but the amount of stuff that I know
Speaker 1: that is stupid that I still do periodically. Like even
Speaker 1: when you know something, it doesn't mean you don't do it.
Speaker 1: Like if you know that that thing is destructive or
Speaker 1: toxic or stupid, there's a fair chance you're going to
Speaker 1: do it at some stage, because you know, for a
Speaker 1: range of reasons, but one of the main reasons is
Speaker 1: we're emotional. Like I look at people on which I
Speaker 1: don't participate in, but on social media, just going nuts
Speaker 1: at strangers about you know whatever, and it's just such
Speaker 1: a fucking to me anyway, Like maybe it meets some
Speaker 1: need in them, I'm sure it does, but I just go, fuck,
Speaker 1: what a waste of energy and time. And you know,
Speaker 1: and by the way, half the people fully agree with you,
Speaker 1: and half of the people think you're more on and
Speaker 1: those numbers are not going to change. So you're not
Speaker 1: changing anyone's mind, and you're just getting thumbs up from
Speaker 1: your own little echo chamber, and you're not creating anything
Speaker 1: any change on any kind of significant level, like what's
Speaker 1: the point. And it's like if that made your life
Speaker 1: better or you're a better person, or that made you
Speaker 1: joyful or then cool or healthier or but there's nothing
Speaker 1: good to come out of that shit, but people are
Speaker 1: so invested in it.
Speaker 2: People can't help but do it. These days, I started
Speaker 2: I unfollow, I unfollow people that are negative and put
Speaker 2: stuff up that I don't want it. But even I've
Speaker 2: started unfollowing stuff that even if it's not bad or negative,
Speaker 2: if it just makes me if I just don't want
Speaker 2: that energy in my life. If for no reason there
Speaker 2: might need to be shit people with shit sharing shit stuff,
Speaker 2: but if they share stuff that makes me go on
Speaker 2: my own tangent, I just have started snoozing people on
Speaker 2: socials and going on it. I don't want to. If
Speaker 2: I'm going to open my phone and look at shit,
Speaker 2: I want it to be stuff that makes my life better.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I think that's wise. And that doesn't mean,
Speaker 1: you know, like snoozing people or deleting people or unfriending
Speaker 1: or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know, I'm old,
Speaker 1: but I don't know how it works with you kids.
Speaker 1: But to me, it's like well, my energy and my
Speaker 1: time and my attention is not infinite. It's finite. So
Speaker 1: based on who I want to be and how I
Speaker 1: want to be, what's the best investment, Like if I'm
Speaker 1: going to be on my phone, I'm going to look
Speaker 1: at stuff, I'm going to watch a video. Let's not
Speaker 1: say everything's got to be life changing and uplifting. Sure,
Speaker 1: I watched the odd motorbike video or the odd fucking
Speaker 1: I seem to be inundated with dog videos. I blame
Speaker 1: you and a couple of friends for that. Ah, But
Speaker 1: you know, it's like, for the most part, you know,
Speaker 1: it's that question that I've said a few times, like
Speaker 1: in the morning. Generally I think something like, in terms
Speaker 1: of what I want to do today and be today
Speaker 1: and create and change and fix and address or whatever,
Speaker 1: what's the best use of my energy and time? What
Speaker 1: should have my attention, what needs what's the best use
Speaker 1: of my mental and emotional energy? Because it's not finite,
Speaker 1: you know, And I think if you you've got to
Speaker 1: catch yourself though, because it's easy to go down distracting
Speaker 1: rabbit holes where you look up and you're like, well
Speaker 1: that was an hour.
Speaker 2: And that's the thing it's like this, you've got to
Speaker 2: accept that that we're wired for that they've they've made
Speaker 2: this shit so that we will do that. So we're
Speaker 2: fighting up, you know, we're swimming against the current. But
Speaker 2: back to the two world theory, what do you have
Speaker 2: principles or how do you manage or how do you
Speaker 2: coach people to manage that?
Speaker 1: I kind of think like, and this is a bit cheesy,
Speaker 1: but I go, let's start with the internal stuff. What
Speaker 1: matters to you, like, what's your what's your if you
Speaker 1: have a life philosophy or ideology, what are your values,
Speaker 1: what do you care about? And then based on that
Speaker 1: stuff like what's important to you, what are your values,
Speaker 1: what are your goals, what are your standards? Based on that,
Speaker 1: are you living a life, a practical life that's reflective
Speaker 1: of those things? You know, it's all well and good
Speaker 1: for me to talk about the stuff that I talk about,
Speaker 1: but then I need to go and be that and
Speaker 1: do that and live that. You know. It's imagine if
Speaker 1: somebody who's listened to me for hundreds of episodes, who
Speaker 1: kind of knows who I am and how I am,
Speaker 1: and then they see me out one night and I'm
Speaker 1: eating fucking three. Chico rolls on my seventeenth beer and
Speaker 1: I'm spewing in the garter and I'm screaming at someone
Speaker 1: and people would go, you know, not that that would
Speaker 1: ever happen, but people would be like, oh, he's a
Speaker 1: complete fraud, you know, or if I treated someone belligerently,
Speaker 1: or if I was you know, I was just out
Speaker 1: of alignment with how I present myself to the world.
Speaker 1: And you know, we spoke last night. We've spoken here
Speaker 1: again about this, but not for all while. You know,
Speaker 1: the public version of you, the personal version of you,
Speaker 1: the private version of you, and the secret version of you.
Speaker 1: You know, and the public version of you is the
Speaker 1: one that you let everyone see, and then the personal
Speaker 1: one is you know, close friends, and then private you
Speaker 1: is maybe one or two people, and then secret you
Speaker 1: is the you that only you get to know and meet. Right.
Speaker 1: And I was talking about last night with my group,
Speaker 1: my mentor and group about without being inappropriate, I try
Speaker 1: to bring so remember it's public, personal private. As we
Speaker 1: get closer to the core, I try to bring private
Speaker 1: me out into the public domain a little bit so
Speaker 1: that I can be really authentic and I can be
Speaker 1: of value to others and talk about stuff that maybe
Speaker 1: is hard to talk about, but also talk about stuff
Speaker 1: that doesn't make me look good, stuff that actually makes
Speaker 1: me look a bit fucked up and a bit flawed
Speaker 1: and a bit limited and a bit you know, inadequate.
Speaker 1: Which is that is who I am, you know. And
Speaker 1: if I'm always trying to present to my audience or
Speaker 1: the world a better version of me than I actually am,
Speaker 1: then I'm role playing. Now. It's catch twenty two. Because
Speaker 1: when you have a public facing kind of thing, of course,
Speaker 1: you want people to think highly of you. You know,
Speaker 1: your brand, your business. You want to look good, you
Speaker 1: want to sound good. You want people to rave about you,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. You want to have raving fans, as
Speaker 1: they say. But yeah, like I had just before I
Speaker 1: told you I was talking to Kerry from Nova, remember yeah,
Speaker 1: shout out to Kez again and we're talking about a
Speaker 1: sponsorship thing. Now i'll tell you what it is, afair.
Speaker 1: I can't tell you now. But it's a bit tricky
Speaker 1: because it's one of those products that I'm like, it depends,
Speaker 1: you know. It's like I there are some things I'm
Speaker 1: happy to have. Let's say, for example, let me pick
Speaker 1: someone or something that like Subway, you know, the sandwich bar. Yeah, Like,
Speaker 1: if Subway came to me and when can we sponsor
Speaker 1: your show, I'd go yep, And I might go, hey,
Speaker 1: today's episode is brought to you by Subway. Thanks Subway. Boom, right,
Speaker 1: But I'm not going to go, Hey, everyone, I eat
Speaker 1: Subway three days a week or seven days a week,
Speaker 1: and the food is the best food you can eat,
Speaker 1: and you should all eat Subway. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: do that now. I'm not saying it's bad at all.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's a bad product. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: anything either way. But there are just certain things that
Speaker 1: like do you want me can we say that today's
Speaker 1: episode is brought to you by the people from Subway
Speaker 1: and blah blah blah this month you can buy a
Speaker 1: foot long for that. Yep, we can do that. But
Speaker 1: can I personally tell a lie about my relationship with No?
Speaker 1: I can't, And I'm not going to go. I think
Speaker 1: something's fucking amazing, even if you're offering me lots of
Speaker 1: do if I don't think it's amazing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, because you lose credibility. People don't want to listen.
Speaker 1: That's the ever present challenge. On the one hand, bills
Speaker 1: you know, you go and then even Kerry goes, are
Speaker 1: you sure? I go, yeah, I'm sure. That's okay. But
Speaker 1: I think we've figured something out which is going to
Speaker 1: be win wins. So so we'll see. But I mean, like,
Speaker 1: when are you at your what are you at your
Speaker 1: most This is not the right word, but you're most settled,
Speaker 1: like the least anxious, the least overthinking. Is there a
Speaker 1: rhyme or reason to that? Can you control it? Can
Speaker 1: you manage it? Or is a little bit hit and miss.
Speaker 2: I guess when I'm when I'm engaged in something that
Speaker 2: like boxing, was always that for me, which is why
Speaker 2: without doing it competitively anymore, I am I'm seeking something
Speaker 2: that gets me that engaged because it need to block
Speaker 2: out everything else. I always got a just a busy,
Speaker 2: excitable minds. That's thinking, and that's my challenge at the moment.
Speaker 2: And I guess what I was thinking about before is
Speaker 2: that letting go of trying to get somewhere and just
Speaker 2: be where I am. And that's all the little changes
Speaker 2: I'm making. The internal changes exist. There is internally just
Speaker 2: be where you are. So these are the choices you're
Speaker 2: making and you're going to do new things, but not
Speaker 2: to get somewhere, just to be where you are for now.
Speaker 2: And one day you might get somewhere, but that'll just
Speaker 2: be a byproduct, and then when you get there, you'll
Speaker 2: just be where you are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is.
Speaker 2: Very unme for a long time. I rush, I rush everything, rush.
Speaker 2: I mean such a rush. What for fucked if?
Speaker 1: I know?
Speaker 2: But I'm busy rushing. I've got to get there.
Speaker 1: And you know what's interesting too, I think we kind
Speaker 1: of have a story, especially when it comes to things
Speaker 1: like our calmness and stillness and equanimity. And it's like
Speaker 1: we think, oh, he's sitting by a river counting butterflies
Speaker 1: and patting his Golden retriever and eating tofu and the
Speaker 1: breeze is just brushing up against his chin and he's
Speaker 1: looking at the mountain in the you know, it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe maybe that would drive me fucking nuts and make
Speaker 1: me anxious because I can't get phone signal. Right, maybe,
Speaker 1: but I think the real challenge, which is not necessarily
Speaker 1: that's maybe part of it. Because I love having said that,
Speaker 1: I love sitting out in my garden. That does change
Speaker 1: my biology and physiology somewhat. But I think the real
Speaker 1: challenge is can I get into that metaphoric space or
Speaker 1: that place of calm and contentment and stillness and equanimity
Speaker 1: and peace and all of that. Can I do that
Speaker 1: without having to be in a particular environment or location
Speaker 1: or by a river like Can I be the Can
Speaker 1: I be the calm in the chaos? Can I be
Speaker 1: that kind of little metaphoric monk in the middle of
Speaker 1: the madness. Can I be that? You know? I think
Speaker 1: that's the because if we can control our internal environment
Speaker 1: without needing some kind of external situation to create it
Speaker 1: for us, then we just take the calm with us.
Speaker 2: In one of my last coaching groups, I I'm going
Speaker 2: to do it again. My participants do an hour and
Speaker 2: I got this off someone else. This was a brilliant
Speaker 2: guy I listened to on another podcast, and he talked
Speaker 2: about doing this sitting in silent, not not meditating, but
Speaker 2: just being still and silent for an hour in somewhere unfamiliar,
Speaker 2: like be out of your environment and just be still
Speaker 2: for an hour, not meditating, not trying to meditate, just
Speaker 2: be there. And I remember one of those people were
Speaker 2: brought to tears by the experience. It's hard, Like, how
Speaker 2: do you just sit still without making the art the
Speaker 2: act of sitting still the thing that you are doing. Yes,
Speaker 2: that's very fucking hard.
Speaker 1: Oh well we are. I mean, apart from when we're sleeping,
Speaker 1: we're pretty dynamic creatures. Like we're not static too often.
Speaker 2: I was thinking about this morning. I was thinking, not
Speaker 2: necessarily in reference to me, but maybe, but I was like,
Speaker 2: I wonder how many people choose and respond to, but
Speaker 2: choose tough love because they don't feel like they deserve
Speaker 2: real love, right, because tough because real love is too whatever.
Speaker 2: It is, like, maybe that's me. I love I love
Speaker 2: training with tough love. I love being I love rising
Speaker 2: to that. But it's like, well maybe because there's something
Speaker 2: underneath that.
Speaker 1: So are you talking about a coach that's kind of
Speaker 1: you know, I loves you and cares about you, but
Speaker 1: they kind of beat you into performance.
Speaker 2: Yeah I guess, yeah, I guess so yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I respond to that too. I like that.
Speaker 1: I'm not and this is not to say that how
Speaker 1: you and I respond to that is the way everyone should. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the whole arm. Yeah, I get that kind of soft gentle.
Speaker 1: You're amazing, Like I appreciate it, but it makes me
Speaker 1: a bit uncomfortable. Like I'm like, ah, I'm glad, I'm
Speaker 1: glad you think that, but yeah, that doesn't Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't know. Look, I do appreciate it, but I think
Speaker 1: I feel unworthy. I don't know. I feel I'm always
Speaker 1: felt unworthy. And I know this. I'm not looking for
Speaker 1: anything from anyone. Yeah, and I'm aware of it, you know,
Speaker 1: and the impostor and the self doubt and all that shit.
Speaker 1: And I know I've done all right, and I know
Speaker 1: I'm not a dickhead. I get all of that, but yeah,
Speaker 1: there's still this, ever, even though it doesn't make sense,
Speaker 1: Like I can just objectively look at what I've done
Speaker 1: in the last forty years and go, well, clearly you're
Speaker 1: not a genius, but you're not an idiot. Right, You've
Speaker 1: done some Okay, you've been somewhat successful. Right, But nonetheless,
Speaker 1: despite that evidence, I can still feel the opposite because
Speaker 1: that's emotion, right, Yeah. Yeah, Like we were talking last
Speaker 1: night about this is interesting. So you know how if
Speaker 1: you take you've got a headache, you take a panadole.
Speaker 1: For example, I take about one pana dolar year and
Speaker 1: a good year, you take a panadolle your headache goes away.
Speaker 1: Two days later you get a headache, or the next
Speaker 1: day take pandola, and then you know, eventually, within a
Speaker 1: few days you've got to take two. And then eventually
Speaker 1: you've got to take ten to get the same response
Speaker 1: because your receptors have down regulated, and now you need
Speaker 1: five thousand milligrams of whatever it was, not five hundred
Speaker 1: milligrams to get the same response because your physiology has
Speaker 1: changed around that in response to that. And there's a
Speaker 1: thing in psychology and human beha you called the headonic
Speaker 1: called headonic adaptation. So have you heard of the term hedonism?
Speaker 2: Yes, yep.
Speaker 1: So hedonism is all about where if I'm a hedonist,
Speaker 1: my whole life is about pleasure. It's about me doing
Speaker 1: shit that gives me joy and happiness and pleasure, and
Speaker 1: that's my focus, right. But this interesting thing happens is
Speaker 1: when you do something that gives you, let's say, a
Speaker 1: ten out of ten response, and then the next day
Speaker 1: you do it or that day you do it again.
Speaker 1: You know you'll still get a great response. But eventually,
Speaker 1: if you only have that same level of stimulus, like
Speaker 1: that awesome, amazing thing happen eventually that hedonic adaptation down
Speaker 1: regulates your response. So now instead of I was going
Speaker 1: to say, I'm going to say it, I fuck it,
Speaker 1: I'm going to say it. It also happens in sex,
Speaker 1: like so some people start off and they have regular
Speaker 1: sex and it's amazing. Then after a while, regularly X
Speaker 1: doesn't give them the same arousal or excitement or joy
Speaker 1: or pleasure. Then they've got to buy a fucking chandelier, right,
Speaker 1: and then the chandelier gets tired and old. Then they've
Speaker 1: got to bring you know, now I can't say it,
Speaker 1: but now I can't fuck That was going to be
Speaker 1: fucking hilarious too, but I'll get in trouble. But the
Speaker 1: bottom line is, and this happens not just in sex,
Speaker 1: but with lots of things where yeah, and in that case,
Speaker 1: there's actually research on that where the sex has got
Speaker 1: to escalate, it's got to become whatever, more intense, more diverse,
Speaker 1: more weird, more whatever for that individual or those individuals
Speaker 1: to get the same level of pleasure or the same
Speaker 1: physiological response. What's my point? My point is, I think
Speaker 1: to really experience happiness, you have to experience sadness reasonably
Speaker 1: regularly and enjoy. You've got to experience pain and to
Speaker 1: embrace the troughs. You've got to just fucking work through
Speaker 1: the peaks, you know. I think it's like the shit storm,
Speaker 1: you know, gives us perspective when the sun shines, you know.
Speaker 2: And all of that exists no matter how good or
Speaker 2: not good your life is, successfully or materiallybsent.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm next week speaking of my group. Like I
Speaker 1: said to you last night, we did Happiness Fulfillment inner piece.
Speaker 1: Next week we're doing our career, money and Retirement. Right,
Speaker 1: we're talking about which is very specific again and like
Speaker 1: it's such like the psychology of money and wealth, the
Speaker 1: experience and money and wealth, and the relationship that we
Speaker 1: have with money and wealth, and the way we socialize
Speaker 1: and our culture around money and the drive for money
Speaker 1: and the status that comes with money and the bullshit.
Speaker 1: Money's fascinating. Fuck, it's a fascinating especially the psychology of money.
Speaker 1: So anyway, you've got to go and train someone very soon.
Speaker 1: And I've got to go and water my bamboo because
Speaker 1: it's hot. It's not going to go get my little
Speaker 1: feet in the dirt and order the fuck out of
Speaker 1: those bad boys. That are about fifteen feet outside my window.
Speaker 1: Thanks helps, Thanks tip, Thanks everyone,