1 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,959 Speaker 1: Hi everybody. Carly Taylor here for this week's Mojoy Monday. 2 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:17,079 Speaker 1: So I'm going to talk today about a very helpful 3 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:21,680 Speaker 1: idea that comes from the Stoics, and that is called 4 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:25,079 Speaker 1: the art of acquiescence. And I'm going to start with 5 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: a story. So my mother passed away a little over 6 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:34,560 Speaker 1: ten years ago. She had CLLL, which is chronic lymphocytic leukemia, 7 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: and what that is is cancer of the bone marrow 8 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:41,560 Speaker 1: and there's no cure because it's chronic and it slowly 9 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 1: gets worse over time. And her journey with cll lasted 10 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:48,720 Speaker 1: around seven years. So the story that I'm going to 11 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:52,160 Speaker 1: tell you about my mum is around the final months 12 00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:55,960 Speaker 1: of her life. And looking back, I think I was 13 00:00:56,040 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 1: pretty much in denial that her death was imminent. Cancer 14 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:06,040 Speaker 1: can often be a hidden illness and people can still 15 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:10,479 Speaker 1: function every day with cancer but be very very ill 16 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:14,920 Speaker 1: at the same time. And one day she sat me 17 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,800 Speaker 1: down with a cup of tea in her little flat 18 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 1: in Brunswick in Melbourne, and she told me she only 19 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 1: had a couple of months to live. So suddenly what 20 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 1: I'd been avoiding became very very real. I was in tears, 21 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:33,680 Speaker 1: but what struck me most was how calm she was. 22 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:39,000 Speaker 1: She was completely level headed, even as she went over 23 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,920 Speaker 1: her funeral wishes and where she'd left things for me 24 00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: and my brother to sort out in her flat. She 25 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: was very very calm. And then she shared something very unexpected. 26 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,760 Speaker 1: She said that she was planning this big lunch and 27 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 1: it was called her celebration of life lunch. So what 28 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 1: her idea was that instead of having a wake after 29 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: she passed, she wanted to host her own celebration while 30 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 1: she was still alive. So she gathered her closest people, 31 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: some of whom flew in from interstate, and booked a 32 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:19,160 Speaker 1: private room at the Flower Drum in Melbourne, the Chinese restaurant. 33 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: And this restaurant was particularly special because she had spent 34 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,680 Speaker 1: several years in China and she had a deep love 35 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:32,080 Speaker 1: for Chinese culture. But the thing is, this lunch wasn't 36 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:36,079 Speaker 1: just about celebrating her life. She made it very very clear. 37 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: It was to celebrate everyone's lives who were there that day, 38 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 1: and she set one rule, no tears. In fact, Paul 39 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 1: was the tear police. He had to make sure that 40 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 1: there were no tears because it was meant to be 41 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 1: a happy occasion and a true celebration of all our lives. 42 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,080 Speaker 1: So it was three weeks to the day before she 43 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 1: passed away that the lunch took place, and she stood 44 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:07,200 Speaker 1: up and she gave a speech, and she mentioned every 45 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 1: single person in the room sharing what they meant to her. 46 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 1: And there would have been I reckon fifty or sixty 47 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 1: people there, and she spoke with such eloquence and confidence. 48 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,120 Speaker 1: It was as if she was holding court at this 49 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,639 Speaker 1: grand event. And afterwards everyone was taking photos of her 50 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:32,960 Speaker 1: like she was celebrity. And then three weeks too that 51 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: day she left us. So this brings me to a 52 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: stoic concept called the art of acquiescence, and whether Mum 53 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 1: knew it or not, she embodied this in her final months. 54 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 1: It's a strength I think we can all learn from. 55 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 1: So there's a stoic quote, the fates guide the person 56 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 1: who accepts them and hinder the person who resists them. 57 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:04,920 Speaker 1: When Mum got her diagnosis, after the initial shock, she 58 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 1: was able to accept it, and of course it was 59 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 1: a rollercoaster journey over seven years, but there was an 60 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:16,880 Speaker 1: underlying acceptance that she had to have. So it was like, 61 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:21,320 Speaker 1: what's the point in denying something that you cannot change? 62 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:25,040 Speaker 1: And that's exactly what the art of acquiescence is, accepting 63 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:29,000 Speaker 1: or surrendering to what we can't change. And that's not 64 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:34,520 Speaker 1: about giving up or liking it, but fully embracing the 65 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 1: reality of what is. An epictetis then said to turn 66 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 1: our attention to gratitude, and this is what Mum did. 67 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: She turned to how grateful she was to all the 68 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,520 Speaker 1: people in her life. Now, you don't have to be 69 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,800 Speaker 1: dying to apply this to your life. In fact, I 70 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,880 Speaker 1: try to intentionally practice this every day with the small things. 71 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,479 Speaker 1: And this isn't to say that, you know, we shouldn't 72 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: complain about anything, but so often we spend way too 73 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,880 Speaker 1: much time in that space. So think about all the 74 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,880 Speaker 1: little things that frustrate you. You know, we get a 75 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 1: red light when we're running late, the supermarket trolley wheels 76 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,160 Speaker 1: don't work, that's one of my gripes. We don't get 77 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 1: the job we wanted, the rain ruins our plans, or 78 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,800 Speaker 1: you go through a painful relationship on marriage breakup. You know, 79 00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 1: our kids move out and the house feels too quiet. 80 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: All these things we can get really caught up in 81 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 1: them in these moments because we think life shouldn't be 82 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,600 Speaker 1: this way, or we don't want it to be this way, 83 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 1: or we don't want to feel like this. But reality 84 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:46,479 Speaker 1: is often different to what we think it should be. Marita, 85 00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 1: the founder of Marita Therapy, says, our thoughts are not reality. 86 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: Our thoughts are ideas about reality, and he called the 87 00:05:54,960 --> 00:06:00,200 Speaker 1: resistance to what is reality a contradiction of ideas. So 88 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: rather than listening to our complaining minds about how things 89 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:08,479 Speaker 1: should be, we can practice surrendering to how things are 90 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:13,400 Speaker 1: and surrendering to the things that we cannot change. Now, 91 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,320 Speaker 1: this isn't easy. It's a skill and it's one that 92 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: takes practice. It also takes humility and a willingness to 93 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,800 Speaker 1: sit with the discomfort that it may bring. But when 94 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 1: we do, it opens up space. It's the Japanese concept 95 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 1: of arrogamama, which I often talk about, which is more 96 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:37,040 Speaker 1: of an experience than a translatable word. But the closest 97 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:41,359 Speaker 1: we get is as it is for the suchness of things. 98 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,440 Speaker 1: And then from that place of acceptance we ask what 99 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:51,640 Speaker 1: needs to be done, And really the bottom line of 100 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:57,800 Speaker 1: that is that we are avoid resisting what is. And 101 00:06:57,839 --> 00:07:01,839 Speaker 1: that's how my mother lived her final weeks, fully present 102 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,400 Speaker 1: to what is, and I think we can all bring 103 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 1: that mindset into our daily lives. So ask yourself, what 104 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:14,480 Speaker 1: do you need to surrender to that you cannot change 105 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,520 Speaker 1: what's stressing you out right now, that you simply need 106 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:23,480 Speaker 1: to accept. Marcu's really has said over two thousand years ago, 107 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,840 Speaker 1: if you are distressed by anything external, the pain is 108 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: not due to the thing itself, but to your own 109 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 1: estimate of it, and this you have the power to 110 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: revoke at any moment. It takes courage and wisdom, which 111 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:45,680 Speaker 1: are two core Stoic virtues, to truly accept reality when 112 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 1: we don't like it and surrender to it. Surrendering isn't 113 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: giving up, but when we do surrender, we lighten the 114 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 1: weight of our struggles and we can focus our energy 115 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: on what is within our control, and in doing so 116 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 1: we can live more fully, embracing life with all its 117 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,800 Speaker 1: ups and downs. So this week I invite you to 118 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: become aware of what you can't change right now and 119 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 1: make room for what is. And if you do this 120 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,720 Speaker 1: with the small daily things in your life, you will 121 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 1: train yourself to deal with the more inevitable, challenging aspects 122 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 1: of life. So that's it from me this week. I 123 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 1: hope you all have a fantastic week and I will 124 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:38,600 Speaker 1: catch you next Monday.