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Speaker 1: One of the main topics that I am focusing on, really my entire life on right now, is financial abuse. It still absolutely amazes me, it saddens me, and really kind of flips me out, I’ve got to tell you the truth, that so many people still have no idea what the definition of financial abuse happens to be. Again, I've done this on many podcasts, so you can go back and listen, but here's what I want to do now. Over the next few weeks, rather than hearing it from me, I want you to hear it from women themselves who are survivors of abuse. And they really had absolutely no idea whatsoever that they were suffering financial abuse. And this all happened about a year ago when the National Domestic Violence Hotline joined forces with Avon. And they asked me, would I interview seven women who have survived domestic abuse? And I said, of course, I would. And you can actually see all of those interviews on www.thehotline.org. However, not everybody will go to www.thehotline.org, you don't want to take time to watch something, but you are listening to this podcast. So, I am going to play those interviews for you over the next few weeks and few months. Each one of them, each one of them is so incredible. The day that I was doing these interviews, all the women, and it was like 100 degrees in this studio because the air conditioning didn't work and it was so hot. But it was really hot, the topic, the topic. It was like burning everything alive within me because I'm like, don't tell me that you don't know that you are suffering financial abuse. And none of these women were, because why? It didn't have a black and blue mark.So, because these stories are so important for you to hear, and for me, these stories are important to me, I am re-releasing them, these sessions, on the Women and Money podcast. So, in this episode, we will hear from Rhonda. Take a listen.Rhonda, it's good to see you again. Girlfriend, you came here, you have a story to tell. I want to hear your story and I know everybody watching wants to hear it as well. So, let it roll.I'm speaking out because, for 23 years, I was married to an abusive man that I didn't know, I didn't know what abuse really was. When we were first married, my husband was physically and mentally, emotionally, sexually abusive. I got the bruises, I got the loaded gun to the head, you know, just right here, and he cocked it. And I don't think that he intended to kill me, but, you know, the thought ran through my head. What if it accidentally goes off?The first time that he physically hit you, tell me about that?I don't know that I really remember that particular one, but I can tell you about one that I have vivid in my memory. It was around Thanksgiving. And Suze, the shame in this is, you don't tell anybody, you don't tell your parents, you don't tell anybody what's going on in your life. You want to look like everything's OK. You're just like everybody else. And so, this particular evening, he was drinking. He came in and he beat me up. I remember falling in the hallway from where he hit me with his fist. And I had a black eye. And we were supposed to be going to a big Thanksgiving dinner at my mother's. And I, you know, that happened. And then he said, you know, not only am I going to take care of you, but I'm going over to your parents’ house and I'm going to shoot and kill your mom and your dad and your sister. OK? He left with a gun in his truck going out the driveway. And I'm thinking, I have to tell them, I have to warn them. So, I called them. That's the first time I'd said anything, was, he just beat me up. He said he's coming into your house, if he comes in the driveway, you lock the doors and you call the police and don't you dare let him in. And so, I knew I was going to leave. So, I got to thinking about it. And I thought, now, wait a minute, you've already been, you've already divorced once, which is horrible in the South Bible Belt. You know, you've already made this big mistake once. So, I thought, I've got to give it every potential that I can. Got to try to make this work because I made those vows, and, you know, I just can't do it again. And so, I went to a lawyer, figured out what my legal rights were. Went to a counselor, told him all about it. He said, there's probably no chance that he's going to change any at all. My first plan was to get out while he was gone to work one day, but since I prayed about it and I thought, now you've got to give him a chance. And so, I told him, I said, I'm going to leave if you don't go with me to counseling. And he said, I'm going to no expletive counselor. And I said, OK.I still remember the clothing that I reached in the closet and got and started out the hallway. I remember exactly what it was that I took with me. And he said, where do you think you're going? I said I told you, if you were not going to counseling, I was going to leave and I'm leaving. And he said, OK, I'll go to counseling.So, we went to counseling and he promised that he would quit drinking and that he would quit hitting me. And he never did it again that I know of. He never drank again and he never hit me again. What I didn't know then that I know now, is that there's a lot more to abuse than just drinking and beating.How did that manifest? What did he do?Sexual abuse, which in a marriage you don't think about that. So, he forced himself on you every single day?Pretty much. Pretty much. Maybe not every day, but quite frequently.And when that was happening to you, what were you thinking? What were you feeling? Like, were you just daydreaming somewhere until the time went by?Yes. This won't take very long, I can just endure it and it will be all over. And then a lot of times, Suze, I would turn over and just cry. Just cry after it was over and I would just cry. And he didn't care. He didn't care.And then obviously, if there's sexual abuse, there has to be verbal abuse.Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. You know, this didn't happen every day. He wasn't a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Every day was bad because there were some good times. You couldn't stay that long if there weren’t some good times.How long did you stay?Twenty-three years. We were married for 23 years. Why did you stay so long? Because of my daughter, for one thing, you know, it's the thing of having a family. Both mother and father.And did the daughter love her daddy?Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, so that's why you stayed. Do you know what is so fascinating, Rhonda? It is amazing what women will do to protect their daughters, or thinking that they're protecting their daughters. Because is it true that if you talk to your daughter to this day, which I'm sure you do, that she saw the abuse?She did. She is still someone, I would say, in denial. She doesn't want to hear that kind of thing. She doesn't want to hear about her father. And I mean, I can respect that. I mean, I still loved him. How is that possible? I don't get it. You've got to explain this to me. How do you love a man who sexually, verbally, physically abusive to you? What is it about him that you could possibly love?On the days that he was good.So, you lived for the few days he was good and you forget about the days that he was so bad?And we as Christians read that scripture, you know, that you're supposed to forgive and forgive, and you do. You know, when the person that's supposed to love you the most, abuses you on a regular basis, it changes who you are. It changes who you are inside. After a while, when everybody thinks you're the crazy one and he's the perfect one, because out in public, oh they look good, they look good.So, everybody looked at you like you were the perfect couple? Yes. And they thought, they're wonderful. And then when you separate, it's all your fault. Especially because he was a pastor. He was a man of the Lord. Yes, ma'am. Yes. Everybody looked at you and like, whoa! And so, everything was me. We did eventually go to another counselor, and things seemed to be great. Things were going along well, the daughter's gone to college and everything's going well. And all of a sudden out of the blue, I mean, we had redone the marriage vows, but out of the blue, he came in and said, well, I went to the lawyer and I've closed the checking account. I've closed the credit cards, which they were both in our names. And you have two weeks to get out. And Suze, I fell apart because, I mean, for all these years now, for a good long while, I had been Carla's mom and his wife. And I was the preacher’s wife, so I was doing everything in the church. And now here I am. And what am I going to do?And it never crossed your mind, that God was sending you a blessing at that point in time? Not at that point in time. But now you see it.Oh honey, oh, honey, thank you.Have you written a thank you note for that? Thank God, thank you for that.Oh, I do it every day. So, you have two weeks to get out, you have no money. He says he's closed down everything he had, and he had. And what do you do? One night, I think I was sleeping on the couch and he was going into a bedroom and always locking the door. But this particular night, for some reason, he left his car keys laying out. And I woke up in the middle of the night, just, I don't know why. And something just said inside of me, you need to get in that car and see what's in there. So, to took the keys and went out, and there was a file folder that had $5k in it. It had some insurance papers where I had been taken off as beneficiary and things. And so, I grabbed that, I went back to the house. I grabbed my laptop and put on some clothes, and so I escaped, really, with the clothes on my back, my laptop and that $5000. And here you are today. Jump forward all these years. One of the most successful people in Avon, making a seriously fabulous living. You're now in another relationship with a kind man, with a good man. Look at your face and your life is perfect. It is.So, here's the message to the women who are in this relationship, in this abused relationship. They're thinking of getting out and they're thinking, but there's no hope. I'll never make money, I can't do this, I don't have the money to leave, I'll never have another relationship, nobody will ever take care of me, I've just got to stay. What would you say to them today? I would say, make a plan. Start making a plan, right now. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself. Reach out to other people. Don't keep it bottled up. Let other people know what's going on. There's hope available, there's help available if you will just let people know and do whatever you have to do. Go to a shelter, it's a good place to start if you have nowhere else to go. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself. And once you get just a start, everything will begin to work out. I have goosebumps actually right now because so many times I hear from survivors, “But I took vows, it's what God wanted. I need to stay in this relationship.” And sometimes I ask the question, do you think if God could physically speak to you right now, he would want you to stay in a relationship where you were abused on any level?You're absolutely right. I always say, around self-worth equals net worth. And if you are in a relationship where you don't value who you are, you're never going to be able to value what you have, because you're not going to have anything. I’m so happy that you set yourself free and that you came here today to share your story with everybody. Thank you, my friend. Remember, if you are being abused or you know someone who is being abused, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or Purple Purse, or write me here at AskSuzePodcast@gmail.com. In providing answers neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman is acting as a Certified Financial Planner, advisor, a Certified Financial Analyst, an economist, CPA, accountant, or lawyer. Neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman makes any recommendations as to any specific securities or investments. All content is for informational and general purposes only and does not constitute financial, accounting or legal advice. You should consult your own tax, legal and financial advisors regarding your particular situation. 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