1
00:00:01,050 --> 00:00:01,530
Speaker 1: As you know, one of the main topics that I am focusing really my entire life on right now, is financial abuse. So many people still have no idea what the definition of financial abuse happens to be. The National Domestic Violence Hotline joined forces with Avon and they asked me, would I interview seven women who have survived domestic abuse? And I said, of course I would. So, I am going to play those interviews for you over the next few weeks and few months. So, on this episode, we will hear from Leslie.So, Leslie, girlfriend, tell us your story. So, I was about 24 years old, a couple of years out of college. And one day I was going to the hairdresser, and as I was walking in, I met this guy outside in the parking lot. So at the time, he was a painter, so he was putting his supplies up and somehow, we just start a conversation. And so from then on, I just found him charming, and, you know, he was cute. And he looked around my age, or maybe about five years older than me. And so, we exchanged numbers. And he called me a couple of days later and we just started talking and it seemed like we had kind of similar personalities, typical dating type thing. No big deal. And so, we started going out, maybe about a week or two later, he revealed that he was actually 39 and not 29. And at first, I was like, oh, I don’t know, that's a little old for me at 24. But, there was just something about him that he was that guy that like, I'll take you out to wine and dine you, you know, let me show you something else, let me show you the world. But your first red flag was there is this big age difference. So that was the first flag, you didn't listen to? All right. So now he's going to wine and dine. You go on.Right. So, one of our first dates, he said, well, have you ever eaten Thai food? So, I'm like, no, you know, this is my first like, major relationship so I hadn't really been out. And so, he drove me out to this place that was kind of like in the country somewhere, we set out on the patio and we were just enjoying our meal. So, the food that I had eaten was really spicy. And so, after a while, my water ran out, and so, I'd ask the server. And she said, I'll be right back. And she didn't come back for a little while. So, then I started to cough a little bit and he's like man, you know, she hasn't come back yet? And I'm like, no, no, no big deal, whatever, I'll be fine. And so, I coughed like maybe a third time. Well, then that just sent him into a rage. And so, all of a sudden, he's yelling at the server, you know, she's, you know, like I was about to die or something. And so, it just gets to a point where now everybody's looking at us in the restaurant. And he stands up and he starts to yell and curse and scream, and I'll never come back here again, and how dare you? And then finally, the owner comes out and she's like, get out, you know, just leave or whatnot. And so, he just throws money on the table and then we get in the car. And as I'm walking out, I remember like mouthing to her, “I'm so sorry.” Because I don't know what's going on. I'm just caught up, it's like he went from zero to 100, like that. And so, he's just talking to me like, why… And he caught me saying, “I'm so sorry.” When we got in the car, he's like, why did you do that? Like, I was trying to defend you, how dare you? You know? And so, I don't really know how to act or what to say or what not. So, then I started saying, I'm sorry to him. And eventually it just kind of died out, the conversation. But that was another red flag that I missed, that he could get really volatile and very angry and upset, just sometimes for no reason.What did you do with that flag? I just tucked it under, threw it away, because I just didn't know. Like, to me, I thought maybe this is how relationships are supposed to go. I didn't necessarily have, like, a guide. My parents divorced and separated when I was really, really young. So, you know, going back and forth between them and between them fighting.So, you just start a relationship was one that you fought in. But he was being protective of you, and you liked it. All right, so now tell me what happens. So, what happens is, you know, after a while, after he's held a steady job, he's making really good money, he takes me out a lot. Then he starts to spend time at my place a lot, and all of a sudden, he doesn't have a job anymore.And are you working? Are you making good money? I'm working, and I’m making pretty decent money for somebody in their early 20s.And you're saving it and you have control over it and you're feeling good about it?Absolutely. All right, so go on.So after a while, like you know, I gave my key to my house because I thought, you know, this is what you’re supposed to do. You know? He lost his car for whatever reason. What does that mean, he lost his car? They repossessed it? I don't know if he borrowed that car, you know, I don’t remember exactly what happened to that car.But now I have to ask you this. When that car disappeared, was that your third flag?It's probably more than that, it’s probably like the 20th flag by then. Yeah, but I just ignored it again. I thought this is a relationship, we're supposed to share, I was to help him out. So, after a while, kind of the manipulation game started to play in. Like, you don't need anybody else but me. So, I had friends who I talked to all the time and they’d say, why are you talking to him? Like you don't have to talk to him. You shouldn't be going out with him. Because I had a really good guy friend from college and he's like, you shouldn't be hanging out with him or going out with him. You have a boyfriend now, what's wrong with you? And so, I remember the conversation I had with my friend, and I'm repeating his words as if I'm him, to my friend. And I remember my friend just pauses like, what? What's going on with you? Like, is that how you really feel? And I'm like, yeah, we shouldn't go out, you know, I don't want to be disrespectful to him. So maybe, you know, we'll just keep it cool.Manipulations started there. So that's a real key side for everybody watching us right now. That when that kind of manipulation starts, when you first start dating and somebody is controlling what you're saying, who you're seeing, is that a warning sign? Absolutely. Yeah. Because I would talk to my mom every day, too. And then he's like, you don't need to talk to your mom, you’re grown, like you're a grown woman, like, are you a baby? You know? So, all the signs at first when we started dating, it was like, you know, let me show you something, you know, because I'm older. And then it started turn into almost like father daughter. Like you don't know anything like, you know. So, let me train you. Let me teach you how the way the world is supposed to be. So then, I stopped talking to my mom a lot like, oh, and then telling her, I don't need to talk to you every day. Like, you know, I'm a grown woman, I'm trying to find my way of life, you know?So, he actually took over your mind? As well as your heart as well as your soul. Yeah, so slow isolation where I didn't really notice it.And then when did it start to get really, really bad?Well, there was one time where we were just having a conversation and I was just talking to him and I was just being playful. And so, I just like tapped is like, oh, come on, whatever. And like, he snapped. And so, he just like, like backhanded me. And he's like, don't you ever do that again. He hit me on the face, to the point where it stung. And so, I was in shock because I'm like, well, I was just playing, and he was like, don't play with me like that, I don't I don't want you to play me like that. And so little things like that. And then, you know, shoving sometimes and just kind of belittling me and saying things about me and saying things, you know. At first he wouldn’t take me out to eat, and then after a while, it was like, look at you, like you got food on your chest, you know, like you're like a pig or something. So. And now all of a sudden, instead of just a sweater or a jacket laying around, I come home one night from work and his friends are there, it was another couple. And the wife says, oh, I heard you guys are moving in together. And I'm like, no, but I come in my living room and like, there's boxes everywhere. Like, we never discussed this. And then he's like, hey, you know, welcome home. And I'm like, what? What just happened? Like, I don't understand where's my life going?And so now he's moved in with you. Your money starting to go to take care of him. And then when did it really turn where it was like, oh, my God?There are so many other little things that were going on that I didn't know about. So, I didn't know that he was in the drugs. I had taken him home to my hometown, and there was a point where we went in the downtown area and then all of a sudden, he got lost. Like I just couldn't find him, wouldn't answer his phone or whatnot. So, looking back on it now, I'm pretty sure he like needed a fix.And then, Leslie, do you feel that you just totally lost yourself? You lost yourself, you lost your mom, you lost your friends, you lost that boyfriend that was just your friend? You lost everybody.Right. Yeah, absolutely.  So, I was working full time. Then I would go home, change clothes really quick, and then go to a restaurant to work part time. Why were you needing to work two jobs? Because I needed to support myself, support him, pay my bills, because now I'm behind. He started hiding drugs in my house. And then when I found it, I flush it down the toilet. And then I remember him coming in and he's like, what do you do with that bag? Where is that bag? I was like, I don't know what you’re talking about. He's like, grabbed me. He was like, I need to know, like, what did you do? Like, he's like, that's a lot of money that you just flushed down. I know you did it or whatnot. So now, like, he's like talked me into like oh I’m in trouble, like, you know, whatever you do, like, I need to find this. And so, he's like, well, it costs me about $600, I need you to go get the money to replace it because I'm going to be in trouble if you don't. And so, I find myself going to the ATM to go get money out, you know, to replace it, because, one, I didn't want him to be in trouble and I didn't want to be in trouble with him. And what was the breaking point? So, him having another relationship and I just felt the loyalty and the disrespect, there was no loyalty, there's no faithfulness. There was just disrespect. Once I found that out, that really was like the turning point. Even after all the manipulation and the, you know, separation, that was the one thing back then, and that in my head, in a relationship, that is a one thing I didn't want to put up with.So how did you get out?I ended up basically creating my own witness protection program. I changed my phone number, I changed jobs.Because he was still trying to get you? And where is he today?He's in prison. Oh, he's in prison for murder. He killed somebody maybe six months after.He killed somebody? When you were with him did he have guns around him?He slept with a gun under his pillow. You know, he could have killed me in my sleep if he wanted to.And was that a flag to you as well?At the time, no. I just felt like he's protecting me so he can have it. He needed a gun under there in case that somebody broke in and he was going to protect me. And what are you doing now? Well, as far as work, I'm an Avon representative. So, I've been with them for about 15 years, and I'm doing very well.When did you finally identify yourself as an abused woman? Probably, probably last year, because I never really thought about it. I didn't. I mean, I knew it happened, but I just didn't think about it. I just kind of pushed it back.And now do you date, are you afraid to date? No, I'm not afraid to date. But I know what I'm looking for now and I know what I'm not looking.So now, you know, at the age of 40, you now know your own thoughts. Absolutely. Yeah. Which is fabulous. So, a strong woman, a secure woman does not dwell in fear. She dwells in faith. She dwells in faith with who she is and what she can do. So, can you at least just make me this promise that from this day forward, you are going to be a financial survivor. That you, Leslie, are going to take when you get your paycheck and you are going to save it. You are going to have a retirement account. You are going to do all of these things, because what I hear is you're very successful at what you do, you have a big team under you. I want you to have a big bucket of money under you. So, if you do, if you say, me too, you want that. Then you can do that. Because when you have financial freedom, you can travel, you don't have to work, you don't have to be worried about anything, you can do anything you want, anytime you want. And you are the master of your own financial destiny. Do you think you could share that dream with me for yourself? I want it. We got a deal, we got a deal. All right girlfriend, and I am so happy to hear that you are quite the survivor. Remember, if you are being abused or you know someone who is being abused, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or Purple Purse, or write me here at AskSuzePodcast@gmail.com. In providing answers neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman is acting as a Certified Financial Planner, advisor, a Certified Financial Analyst, an economist, CPA, accountant, or lawyer. Neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman makes any recommendations as to any specific securities or investments. All content is for informational and general purposes only and does not constitute financial, accounting or legal advice. You should consult your own tax, legal and financial advisors regarding your particular situation. Neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman accepts any responsibility for any loss, which may arise from accessing or reliance on the information in this podcast and to the fullest extent permitted by law, we exclude all liability for loss or damages, direct or indirect, arising from use of the information. To find the right Credit Union for you, visit https://www.mycreditunion.gov/. Interested in Suze's Must Have Documents? Go to https://shop.suzeorman.com/checkout/cart/index/.