Robert: March 9, 2025. Welcome to the Women and Money podcast,
Robert: as well as everyone smart enough to listen. Hi, everybody. Robert,
Robert: the producer here. And yeah, I know, if you're hearing
Robert: my voice, that means unfortunately, Suze is a little under
Robert: the weather today. But have no fear. We have selected
Robert: a part of a really great episode from a while
Robert: back for you to hear today, and the message is very,
Robert: very important. But before we get to that,
Robert: Suze wanted me to tell you that for those of
Robert: you who have a CD at Alliant Credit Union maturing
Robert: during the month of March, the rates that she gave
Robert: you on last Sunday's podcast for the 12 to 17
Robert: month CDs, those rates are absolutely correct.
Robert: 4.35% APR for amounts under $75,000 and 4.40% APR for
Robert: $75,000 or above.
Robert: You can indeed add additional funds to your renewal CD
Robert: to take advantage of those rates. You don't have to
Robert: wait till the CDs mature to sign up for that renewal. Now,
Robert: when you call and an Alliant operator tells you anything different,
Robert: They're wrong. Simply tell them, please check with Don Potter,
Robert: leader of the Member services division at Alliant Credit Union. Then,
Robert: politely ask to speak to a supervisor and make sure
Robert: you identify yourself as a Suze client. You see, Alliant
Robert: has many offers for their members, but these rates are
Robert: for Suze listeners. So again, tell the agent you're a
Robert: Suze client. And one last piece of advice from Suze.
Robert: Just keep your cool with these markets. The markets hate confusion,
Robert: and everyone is confused right now, so just be patient.
Robert: All right, enough of me. Here's Suze from the past.
Suze: I got an email.
Suze: And as I was reading this email, I thought, oh
Suze: my God, this is the podcast today.
Suze: Because behind every one of our financial problems there is
Suze: a personal story. There is something that's going on within
Suze: us that causes us to create an outcome that we
Suze: do not want to live, and yet somehow we don't
Suze: even recognize the role that we play in our own stories.
Suze: So the question today really is, what is your story?
Suze: What is your true story that you are living that
Suze: possibly you created, that possibly you have been put into,
Suze: but yet you stay there? What is your story?
Suze: So as I read this story, I'm going to be
Suze: pointing out things in it,
Suze: to show everyone,
Suze: how we on some level help create the story that
Suze: we are living that we don't want to be living.
Suze: And it goes like this.
Suze: Hi Suze.
Suze: Now I've interviewed you a few times, but this is
Suze: a very personal one. I'm in a bind, and please
Suze: do feel free to use my story to help others.
Suze: You have my permission. Just don't use my name.
Suze: Now before I go into this story, and I'm going
Suze: to keep breaking this story up so I can talk
Suze: to you about it, about things that I've noticed that
Suze: maybe you'll identify with, this is a really, really brilliant woman, really.
Suze: She has interviewed me and she's written some brilliant stories
Suze: from the conversation that we had and.
Suze: As hard as it is to figure out money, at
Suze: least in our own mind, what's really hard is to
Suze: be able to use proper English and write and be
Suze: able to communicate that which others need to hear.
Suze: Now she was totally capable of doing that, but she
Suze: couldn't even read the writing that was on the wall
Suze: in the relationship that she happens to be in. So
Suze: here goes her story.
Suze: She says my husband has been a nightmare with his finances.
Suze: I keep everything separate to protect myself as a result. Secrecy, lies,
Suze: and overall poor budgeting and overspending wrapped into one.
Suze: Now before I go on, she says my husband has
Suze: been a nightmare with his finances. She knows this. She
Suze: gets this, and she keeps everything separate to protect herself
Suze: as a result. That is the foundation of her story.
Suze: Are you living a life like that? Do you recognize
Suze: something that's going on in your relationship?
Suze: And you have to do something because you have to
Suze: protect yourself whether it's physical abuse or financial abuse or
Suze: whatever it may be. Are you living a story where
Suze: on any level you have to protect yourself because if
Suze: that's true, then you are building a foundation out of fear,
Suze: and nothing good will come from that, nothing.
Suze: She goes on to say, since the start of our
Suze: marriage 5 years ago, 5 years is a long time, everybody.
Suze: He has refused to file taxes with me. At first
Suze: he told me it was because I work in New Jersey.
Suze: When I started to work in New York City, he
Suze: continued to be evasive.
Suze: He also refuses to show me his tax returns, so
Suze: therefore I'm forced to file married filing separately.
Suze: I'm gonna stop here again for a second.
Suze: I'm forced to file married filing separately. It's because of
Suze: his actions and what he is doing. She's forced to
Suze: do something that she really doesn't want to do.
Suze: Is that your story any of you, but that is
Suze: the first indication where in this email.
Suze: She's saying that she was forced to do something. Nobody
Suze: forces you to do something. You recognize the situation and
Suze: then you choose to do it. And if they're forcing
Suze: you to do it, now we're in an abusive relationship.
Suze: But he's not forcing her. She's choosing to do that
Suze: cause she's choosing to stay.
Suze: When I was 4 months pregnant, so now we have
Suze: a child entering the situation, I discovered he mortgaged an
Suze: investment property and received $30,000 of cash from it.
Suze: I found this out while accidentally opening his mail.
Suze: Now you accidentally open up somebody's mail, your husband's mail.
Suze: And you see that he got a lump sum of
Suze: $30,000 that you never knew about.
Suze: I open up KTt's mail all the time. I look
Suze: at KT's emails all the time.
Suze: I look at her taxes. I look at everything just
Suze: because I want to make sure that she's up to
Suze: date with everything, cause a lot of business stuff comes in,
Suze: but never in a million years and vice versa, by
Suze: the way, my email account is on her phone, her
Suze: email account is on my phone. Total transparency, everybody. There
Suze: are no secrets. There isn't accidentally opening up a statement.
Suze: If I want to open up a statement, I open
Suze: up a statement.
Suze: But she even uses the words I accidentally opened his mail,
Suze: which also says he has said to her, Don't you
Suze: dare touch my mail. Don't open up anything. What's addressed
Suze: to me is mine. What's addressed to you is yours.
Suze: Don't touch it.
Suze: So I find that fascinating that we're even seeing right
Suze: now a relationship where she's 4 months pregnant.
Suze: And things are still secretive things are still hidden, and
Suze: she finds out about something that she never had any idea.
Suze: Don't you think that is a serious warning sign, a
Suze: warning sign where the story is something's not right here.
Suze: I don't have freedom in this relationship. I can't just
Suze: be and say anything. I'm living by his rules.
Suze: And his rules and actions are absolutely exclusive of me,
Suze: and I'm allowing that to happen. I'm now starting to
Suze: write my own story where I'm abusing myself because I'm staying.
Suze: Do you understand, everybody, what I'm saying to you and
Suze: why I find this email so fascinating and so sad
Suze: when a brilliant woman.
Suze: Does that to herself, and the question has to be
Suze: asked and answered why, why do we do that to ourselves?
Suze: What are we afraid of? Are we afraid of leaving
Suze: and going out and being on our own? Are we
Suze: afraid of hurting somebody? Are we staying under the pretense
Suze: of he's a good guy or she's a good woman
Suze: or whatever? Why I'm asking you to ask yourself these
Suze: questions whether they apply to you or somebody that you know.
Suze: 'Cause stories like this have to be revealed and understood
Suze: so that situation can end, cause if it doesn't end
Suze: sooner than later, it ends up really, really bad.
Suze: She then goes on to say, however, the house that
Suze: he refinanced has since sold for $300,000 above original price.
Suze: He says he didn't get any money from it, however,
Suze: and then she goes on to say, I have trouble
Suze: believing that.
Suze: Let's underline that I have trouble believing that. Why are
Suze: we staying in a relationship with somebody that we don't
Suze: believe what they are telling us, where we can't open
Suze: up mail freely, where we can't see their tax returns? Why?
Suze: What pulls us and keeps us in that story? But
Suze: then she goes on to say it gets worse.
Suze: In July 2020, I saw $42,000 from Charles Schwab hit
Suze: our joint account.
Suze: He immediately raided the Schwab in the amount of 48,000
Suze: to buy a Porsche and didn't tell me.
Suze: I'll let that sink in for a second.
Suze: How would you feel if you had a joint account
Suze: with your spouse and all of a sudden from nowhere
Suze: you see $42,000 enter that account and you're like, whoa,
Suze: where did that come from?
Suze: That's a lot of money. What, what, what are we
Suze: doing here? And then all of a sudden, as quick
Suze: as it comes in, you see it disappear and why?
Suze: He buys a Porsche with it and he doesn't tell you,
Suze: but the reason you find out is cause now it's
Suze: sitting in your driveway. How's that make you feel? What
Suze: do you think about that?
Suze: Why is that a story that you still want to
Suze: be a part of? She goes on to say, I
Suze: threatened divorce and ordered him into therapy. Problem here, she
Suze: ordered him into therapy. He had no desire to go
Suze: into therapy on his own because he didn't think he
Suze: was doing anything wrong.
Suze: In the meantime this woman...
Suze: She is now living a story that she really wishes
Suze: she wasn't part of, and so she takes her last
Suze: shot at it and says, you are going to therapy,
Suze: and he has been going weekly now for 7 months.
Suze: At the therapist's urging, he has shown me some bank
Suze: and credit statements. Please note, everybody, it does not say
Suze: he has shown me all of his bank and credit statements.
Suze: Some of them he has showed her his pay stub
Suze: and miscellaneous expenses like his car note, however.
Suze: He still refuses to show me the tax returns or
Suze: be transparent enough to work with a financial coach to
Suze: help us get back on track. 3 coaches have refused
Suze: to work with us after reaching an impasse with him.
Suze: 3 coaches have said, You know what, I'm out of here.
Suze: He isn't somebody that we can work with.
Suze: So this is why this woman now has written and
Suze: she says the following. My question is this I am
Suze: a smart girl about my money. Then she says thanks
Suze: to you.
Suze: I like that part of it. However, some days I
Suze: want to leave, some days I want to stay.
Suze: Now here is the key to this email.
Suze: I'm really trying to make this work as we have
Suze: a 2 year old child.
Suze: And now we know why she's really staying. She's not
Suze: staying because she loves him. She's not staying because she
Suze: likes him. She's staying because she has a 2 year
Suze: old child, and she doesn't want her child to grow up,
Suze: possibly without a father, but she, in her own mind
Suze: thinks that it is better for her to stay in
Suze: this relationship for the child.
Suze: But yet she and her own needs have totally disappeared.
Suze: She says, Is there any possible way for me to
Suze: remain in this marriage and be in a financially healthy,
Suze: she doesn't say emotionally or psychologically. All she says is
Suze: financially healthy, as if money is the only thing that matters.
Suze: A financially healthy place with everything separate with us not
Suze: filing returns together. I save as much as possible, and
Suze: I have opened up an account with and then she
Suze: names a brokerage firm, and it's doing well. One day
Suze: I do plan to buy a home with my parents.
Suze: But his name if we remained together, would not be
Suze: on the mortgage or the deed. OK, that's it. I'll
Suze: take all the straight talk you have to give.
Suze: All right, that's the email. So why, once again, am
Suze: I choosing to talk about this on the Women and
Suze: Money podcast as well as everyone smart enough to listen.
Suze: If you're really smart enough to listen to this podcast.
Suze: And you're really somebody who has been with me for
Suze: all these years now or maybe you're brand new to
Suze: learning about me.
Suze: What does money matter when you yourself aren't fulfilled, when
Suze: you are in a relationship and you don't have any joy,
Suze: you don't have any freedom, you don't have any trust yet,
Suze: you decide to stay.
Suze: And many times you decide to stay because you have
Suze: a 2 year old child.
Suze: Now I wrote this woman back a very long answer,
Suze: but here are the things that essentially I wanted to
Suze: point out.
Suze: What really got me was she had a 2 year
Suze: old child.
Suze: And I wrote her and I said, don't you think?
Suze: That every time you pick up that child and you
Suze: hold that child to your chest that the child can't
Suze: feel that something is wrong, that Mommy isn't happy that
Suze: Mommy's in a relationship that she really doesn't want to
Suze: be in, and you really think that you're staying and
Suze: it will benefit your child.
Suze: Don't you think that you may be teaching your child
Suze: that you stay against all odds, you give up anything
Suze: that could mean anything to you, you ruin your own
Suze: life and you do that for your children?
Suze: If your child was you and coming to you right
Suze: now and was in a relationship like you're in right now,
Suze: what would you say to your child? Wouldn't you say
Suze: to your child, honey, please come home, live with me,
Suze: get divorced. It's over. Come on, let's create a great
Suze: home
Suze: together in love in trust, in integrity, not just for
Suze: you but for the child as well.
Suze: And then we have a situation where mommy and daddy
Suze: want to buy a home with this woman.
Suze: But the woman doesn't want the husband's name on the home.
Suze: Here's something all of you really, really need to remember.
Suze: When you are married.
Suze: And you are making money after you are married, especially
Suze: if you do not have a prenuptial agreement. All the
Suze: money that you may be saving in this account that
Suze: she says she opened in her 401k where she works,
Suze: all of these things, if they get divorced, the longer
Suze: they are married, chances are half of that money is
Suze: going to go to her husband in this particular case.
Suze: So the longer she postpones doing that which she knows
Suze: she should do for herself.
Suze: The less money she is going to have in the
Suze: long run, and if she happens to buy a home
Suze: with her parents, even if his name is not on it.
Suze: He's gonna own half of what she has within that
Suze: home if they get divorced.
Suze: So what is the story that we're writing here, everybody?
Suze: What are we postponing? When your story reveals to you
Suze: the truth of what is going on in your life,
Suze: you cannot postpone making a decision over it.
Suze: Because if you postpone it and postpone it and postpone
Suze: it and postpone it, you are the one that financially
Suze: is going to suffer big time, especially if you are
Suze: legally married. Now I get when a relationship goes off
Suze: the charts and you try and you try to make
Suze: it better.
Suze: But if 3 coaches have left him, if he's still
Suze: not willing to show you his tax return, if he's
Suze: trying because you forced him to try.
Suze: Do you really think this is something that you want
Suze: to stay with? My advice to her was a very
Suze: interesting piece of advice. It was very simple. It was,
Suze: I would immediately divorce him.
Suze: Once you divorce him, you now have stopped the clock
Suze: on all the money that you're going to accumulate in
Suze: the future or with your parents, where he will no
Suze: longer be entitled to it.
Suze: Next, if you want to stay with him, OK, if
Suze: you want to continue to be abusive to yourself and
Suze: in the long run your child, in my opinion, OK.
Suze: But at least financially speaking, you have now cut the
Suze: cord that binds the two of you with your savings,
Suze: your retirement account, your real estate, whatever it is that
Suze: you may purchase. It cuts that cord and it gives
Suze: you that freedom, and that is the freedom that you
Suze: gave yourself. And the other thing is this.
Suze: Do you understand that because you are married and you
Suze: have to file separately, you cannot take advantage of so
Suze: many of the retirement accounts out there that are what
Suze: I consider the best retirement accounts in the world, and
Suze: that is a Roth IRA.
Suze: Because you can't make more than $10,000 a year of
Suze: adjusted gross income if you are married filing separately to
Suze: have a Roth IRA.
Suze: So there are things that you aren't able to participate in. Why?
Suze: Because he has forced you in your mind to file
Suze: married finally and separately cause he won't show you his
Suze: tax returns. And why won't he show you his tax returns? Why?
Suze: And how does he file? What if he files married
Suze: filing jointly and forges your name on those tax returns?
Suze: What if he is doing that, and that is the
Suze: reason why he does not want to show you his
Suze: tax returns? What if that's possible?
Suze: So the reason I wanted to tell this story is
Suze: that I wanted bad ending stories to stop, and here's
Suze: what I'm asking all of you to do. I want
Suze: you
Suze: to pick a story that you are living, a part
Suze: of your life that you're really not happy with.
Suze: And everyone has a part of their life I would
Suze: imagine that they're not happy with.
Suze: So I want all of you to write down your story.
Suze: What part of your life are you living that you
Suze: don't like?
Suze: And then I want you to read it back to yourselves,
Suze: and I want you
Suze: to pick out the phrases like I did for you
Suze: in this podcast.
Suze: Where you're blaming somebody else for the situation that you
Suze: happen to be in.
Suze: And if you find that as you're reading your story
Suze: that you're using words like they forced me, I did
Suze: this I whatever it may be.
Suze: Then this is the time for you to rewrite your story.
Suze: Cause every story that you live, one should be happy,
Suze: should be fulfilled, should be something that you learn from.
Suze: There's no room in this world right now for sadness
Suze: or anger or to be vindictive.
Suze: There's no room anymore. It's almost as if this entire
Suze: world is filled with anger. We're angry because we're in
Suze: a relationship that we don't like. We're angry because we're
Suze: caretakers and we've been caretakers now for a long time,
Suze: and we don't want to be a caretaker. We want
Suze: to live our own life. I don't know what it is.
Suze: But you have to write your story.
Suze: And after you have written your story
Suze: I want you to really look at it.
Suze: And then I want you to rewrite it without blame
Suze: or shame.
Suze: I want you to rewrite it in a forceful, positive,
Suze: courageous way, and that's the story that I want you
Suze: to live.
Suze: Because the true bottom line is until you know who
Suze: you are.
Suze: You can never have as much as you are meant
Suze: to have.
Suze: Until you can be truly happy.
Suze: You can't really be strong.
Suze: And if you can't really be strong, you can't really
Suze: then live in your truth, and truth is what attracts
Suze: money to you. There's so many reasons that I want
Suze: you to do this exercise.
Suze: So until Thursday, write your story and let me know
Suze: how it goes.